Dirk: Look, man, all we need is the tapes, all right?
Record Producer: No, you don't get the tapes until you've paid.
Dirk: In our situation, that doesn't make any fucking sense.
Reed Rothchild: Look, we can not pay for the tapes, unless we take the tapes to the record company, and get paid.
Dirk: Hello? Exactly.
Record Producer: That's not an MP, that's a YP, your problem. Come up with the money, or forget it.
Reed Rothchild: Okay, now you're talking above my head. I don't know all of this industry jargon, YP, MP. All I know is that I can't get a record contract, we cannot get a record contract unless we take those tapes to the record company. And granted, the tapes themselves are a uh um oh, you own them, all right, but the magic that is on those tapes. That fucking heart and soul that we put onto those tapes, that is ours and you don't own that. Now I need to take that magic and get it over the record company. And they're waiting for us, we were supposed to be there a half hour ago. We look like assholes, man.
Dirk: Let me explain to him in simple arithmetic. One, two three! Because you don't fuckin' get it, Burt! You give us the tapes. We get the record contract. We come back and give you your fuckin' money. Have you heard the tapes? Have you even heard them? We're guaranteed a record deal. Our stuff is that good!
Record Producer: Now I get it. Now I understand. You want it to happen... but it's not going to happen. Because it's a Catch-22.
Dirk: What the fuck does that mean? What is a Catch-22, Burt?
Record Producer: Catch-22, gentleman. Think about it.
[pause]
Dirk: You know what I'm thinking about, man? I'm thinking about kicking some fuckin' ass!
[in a scene from "Brock Landers: Angels Live In My Town"]
Dirk: [as Brock] You still hungry?
Jessie St. Vincent: Starving.
[unzipping his pants]
Dirk: [as Brock] Then feast on that.
Dirk: What can you expect when you're on top? You know? It's like Napoleon. When he was the king, you know, people were just constantly trying to conquer him, you know, in the Roman Empire. So, it's history repeating itself all over again.
Dirk: You're not the boss of me, Jack. You're not the king of Dirk. I'm the boss of me. I'm the king of me. I'm Dirk Diggler. I'm the star. It's my big dick and I say when we roll.
Kurt Longjohn: Little Bill.
Little Bill: Hey. Kurt. What's up?
Kurt Longjohn: What's wrong with you?
Little Bill: Ah... my fuckin' wife, man, she's over there... she's got some idiot's dick in her, people standing around watching - it's a fuckin' embarassment.
Kurt Longjohn: Yeah. Yeah. I know. Anyway, listen:
Little Bill: - yeah.
Kurt Longjohn: For the shoot - I wanna talk about the look. I wanted to see about getting this new zoom lens...
Little Bill: Right.
Kurt Longjohn: I wondered if we'd be able to look into getting some more lights, too, y'know...
Little Bill: Jack wants a minimal-thing...
Kurt Longjohn: Right, well, very often, minimal means a lot more photographically than I think, well... than I think most people understand...
Little Bill: I understand.
Kurt Longjohn: No, no. Hey. I know you understand, I was talking about some other people.
Little Bill: Well, I think what Jack is talking about is minimal, not really "natural", but minimal...
Kurt Longjohn: Okay... fine... I was just saying...
Little Bill: I understand...
Kurt Longjohn: - 'cause I'm trying to give each picture it's own look...
Little Bill: Can we talk about this later?
Kurt Longjohn: Oh, yeah... you have to go somewhere... or...?
Little Bill: Well, no, yeah... I mean...
Kurt Longjohn: 'Cause I was hoping to, y'know, for the shoot tomorrow, we could send Rocky down and he could pick it up...
Little Bill: Kurt.
Kurt Longjohn: No. Hey. Gotcha. You've gotta go somewhere so - hey - what the fuck? It's only the fucking photography of the movie we're talking about.
Little Bill: My fucking wife has an ass in her cock over in the driveway, alright? I'm sorry if my thoughts aren't with the photography of the film we're shooting tomorrow, Kurt, OK?
Kurt Longjohn: OK. No big deal. Sorry.
Floyd Gondolli: I like simple pleasures, like butter in my ass, lollipops in my mouth. That's just me. That's just something that I enjoy.
[Both girls high on coke]
Rollergirl: Amber, are you my mom? I'm gonna ask you, okay? And you say yes, okay? Amber, are you my mom?
Amber Waves: Yes, sweetie.
Todd Parker: We're not leaving yet. We're here now, and we want something else from you. Hey... hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey! We want something else from you.
Rahad Jackson: ...What?
Dirk: Todd, what the hell are you doing man? Let's just go.
Todd Parker: In the master bedroom... under the bed... in a floor safe. Understand?
Dirk: What the fuck is the matter with you Todd, let's go! Come on, man!
Reed Rothchild: Todd!
Todd Parker: Shhhut up Dirk. I t... I told you I got a plan. I got a very good plan.
Rahad Jackson: Are you-are you kidding me, kitty?
Todd Parker: Nah, I'm not, see? I'm not kidding. I want what's in the safe! We want what is in the goddamn safe, in the goddamn master bedroom on the fuckin' floor in the goddamn fuckin' floor safe, that's all!
Dirk: Todd, don't be crazy, ok?
[to Rahad]
Dirk: Sir - we don't know anything about this, okay? This is not at all what we wanted.
Todd Parker: Shut the fuck up Dirk.
[to Rahad's bodyguard]
Todd Parker: Do not reach for your gun, man, don't reach for your gun!
Todd Parker: [Todd pulls out gun and aims it at bodyguard, Rahad shoots Todd in the shoulder, before fleeing to his bedroom, laughing maniacally; Dirk and Reed take cover as the bodyguard pulls out two pistols and starts firing at them, Todd then shoots the bodyguard]
Todd Parker: He went in the bedroom!
Dirk: Todd, what the fuck are you doin'?
Todd Parker: He went in the bedroom!
Dirk: Todd, what the fuck did you go crazy?
Todd Parker: He's got coke and he's got cash, in that safe, in that bedroom and if we leave here without it, man we're fuckin' idiots, man! We came here to motherfuckin' do something and we can fucking do it, alright? Are you with me?
Reed Rothchild: Todd, listen to me! Let's just split, man! Let's just split right this was not the thing! This was not supposed to be the thing, Todd!
Todd Parker: That's what we goddamn came here to motherfuckin' do, and that's what I'm gonna fuckin' do right fuckin' now!
Dirk: Fuck, no! Don't, don't! Don't be fucking stupid!
Rahad Jackson: [Todd kicks down the door and is shot in the chest with a shotgun by Rahad] Come on, you puppies!
[Rahad racks his shotgun and fires at Dirk and Reed]
Rahad Jackson: It's comin' down for puppies!
Reed Rothchild: Want to hear a poem I wrote? "I love you, you love me. Going down the sugar tree. We'll go down the sugar tree, and see lots of bees: playing, playing. But the bees won't sting, because you love me." That's it.
Amber Waves: Let me just check on something.
[takes off Dirk's pants]
Amber Waves: This is a giant cock.
Jack Horner: Do these characters have a name?
Dirk: The guy's name is Brock Landers.
Reed Rothchild: And his partner is Chest Rockwell.
Jack Horner: Those are some great names.
[the Colonel's lady friend is lying on the floor, bleeding from the nose]
Young Stud: [wailing] I, I think she did too much coke.
Colonel James: Oh, you think so, doctor?
Colonel James: I'm looking forward to seeing you in action. Jack says you've got a great big cock.
Eddie Adams: Well, I don't know, I guess so.
Colonel James: May I see it?
Eddie Adams: Really?
Colonel James: Please!
[stares as Eddie lowers his shorts]
Colonel James: Thank you, Eddie!
Eddie Adams: No problem.
[the Colonel continue to stare as Eddie walks away]
Buck Swope: See this system here? This is Hi-Fi... high fidelity. What that means is that it's the highest quality fidelity.
Eddie Adams: Jack, I was thinking about my name, y'know?
Jack Horner: Yeah?
Eddie Adams: I was wondering if you had any ideas.
Jack Horner: I've got a few, but you tell me.
Eddie Adams: Well, my idea was, y'know, I want a name, I want it so it can cut glass, y'know, razor sharp.
Jack Horner: Tell me.
Eddie Adams: When I close my eyes, I see this thing, a sign, I see this name in bright blue neon lights with a purple outline. And this name is so bright and so sharp that the sign - it just blows up because the name is so powerful... It says, "Dirk Diggler."
Young Stud: [sobbing] This is TWICE in two days that a chick has OD'd on me!
Colonel James: [rapidly] Well, do you think this means that maybe ya, oughta think about getting some new shit? Whaddya ya think?
Young Stud: [contritely] Yes, sir.
Colonel James: Ah.
[Little Bill walks in on his wife having sex with someone]
Little Bill: What the fuck are you doing?
Little Bill's wife: What the fuck does it look like I'm doing?
[Little Bill discovers his wife having sex for a group of spectators]
Little Bill: What the fuck are you doing?
Little Bill's wife: Go away, Bill, you're embarrassing me.
Dirk: Aren't you gonna take your skates off?
Rollergirl: I never take my skates off.
Jack Horner: We're about to make film history, right here... on videotape.
Reed Rothchild: Have you seen that Star Wars movie?
Eddie Adams: Yeah, I've seen it four times.
Reed Rothchild: You know, people tell me I kind of look like Han Solo.
Jack Horner: Ah, where are you going?
Becky Barnett: I gotta go wash my vagina.
Jack Horner: How long you gonna be?
Becky Barnett: Five minutes. You want it clean, don't you?
Dirk: I wanna fuck. It's my fucking big dick. Who wants to fuck?
Floyd Gondolli: This here's the future. Videotape tells the truth.
Jack Horner: Wait a minute. You come into my house, my party, to tell me about the future? That the future is tape, videotape, and not film? That it's amateurs and not professionals? I'm a filmmaker, which is why I will *never* make a movie on tape.
Reed Rothchild: Hey, are those lizard?
Dirk: No, they're Italian. I'm gonna fuckin' buy these.
Jack Horner: I got a feeling that behind those jeans is something wonderful just waiting to get out.
[just before they start filming Dirk's first movie]
Dirk: Does he want me to keep going until I come?
Amber Waves: Yeah. You just come when you're ready.
Dirk: Where should I come?
Amber Waves: Where do you want?
Dirk: Wherever you tell me.
Amber Waves: Come on my tits, if you can, okay? Just pull it out and do it on my stomach and my tits, if you can.
Amber Waves: [having sex, filming a porno] Oh, John. You're a wonderful actor.
Dirk: It's okay to come?
Amber Waves: Are you ready to come?
Dirk: Yeah.
Amber Waves: Come in me.
Dirk: What?
Amber Waves: I'm fixed. I want you to come in me.
Dirk: Okay.
[moans and climaxes]
Scotty: I'm a fuggin' idiot. I'm a fuggin' idiot. Fuggin' idiot, fuggin' idiot, fuggin' idiot...
Jack Horner: Before you turn around, you've spent maybe 20, 25, 30 thousand dollars on a movie.
[Rollergirl scratches her crotch]
Amber Waves: What's going on down there?
Rollergirl: I have to go pee.
Amber Waves: Well, pee then.
Buck Swope: You're not being fair. This isn't fair.
Loan Officer: This financial institution cannot endorse pornography.
Buck Swope: Stop saying pornography! Why are you doing this to me? I am an actor. I am an actor.
Rahad Jackson: Oh, that's Cosmo... he's Chinese.
Jack Horner: Don't just ram it in there like that, this is not a hole in the wall pal, it's Rollergirl.
Jack Horner: You know this is the film I want them to remember me by.
Rollergirl: You don't ever disrespect me. FUCKER! YOU NEVER DISRESPECT ME, YOU FUCKER!
Eddie Adams: [to his mother] You don't know what I can do! You don't know what I can do, what I'm gonna do, or what I'm gonna be! I'm good! I have good things and you don't know about! I'm gonna be something! I am! And don't fucking tell me I'm not!
Reed Rothchild: [as Chest Rockwell] Let's get some of that Saturday night beaver.
Amber Waves: [screams] Oh, I don't want to do this any more. Honey, I can't. Let's just? Let's have fun now! Let's just go and go and go, because it's over. There's just too many things, too many things, too many things. Too many things.
Rollergirl: Okay.
Amber Waves: Let's go walk.
[sniffs]
Rollergirl: I don't want to leave this room.
Amber Waves: [laughs] Me, either! I love you, honey!
Rollergirl: I love you, Mom!
Dirk: Yeah, well this is imported Italian nylon.
Becky Barnett: It sounds like your bosses at the stereo store are saying the same thing.
Buck Swope: What?
Becky Barnett: YOU HAVE TO GET A NEW LOOK!
Buck Swope: What? You get a new look.
Becky Barnett: I have a look alright. The look I have is just fine.
Buck Swope: What's your look?
Becky Barnett: Chocolate love 100%. You don't have to lash out like that Buck, I'm just trying to be your friend.
Buck Swope: Drop it Becky.
Reed Rothchild: Nobody fucks with Chest and Brock!
Little Bill: [while shooting a scene, Dirk ejaculated inside Amber] We missed the cum shot. He came inside her. Maybe we could go to stock footage, or...
Jack Horner: Are you crazy? It won't match!
Dirk: Jack? I can do it again if you need a closeup.
Dirk: I know fucking karate.
[the Colonel James is in jail after being arrested for cocaine possession and attempted statutory rape]
Colonel James: They found something else.
Jack Horner: What?
Colonel James: Well... it's just... they're so cute when they're so young like that...
Jack Horner: Ah, Jesus...
Jack Horner: If it looks like shit, and it sounds like shit, than it must be shit.
Buck Swope: [to his pregnant wife] How's my little kung fu fighter?
Jessie St. Vincent: He's kicking ass inside my stomach.
[his one word prediction for the future of the porn industry]
Floyd Gondolli: Videotape.
Reed Rothchild: TODD... PARKER!
Todd Parker: Rockin' Reed Rothchild!
Reed Rothchild: You made it! Woo-Hoo!
Todd Parker: Amazing party, man! Fuckin' chicks everywhere!
Reed Rothchild: You bet. Compliments of Jack Horner. Thank you.
Todd Parker: I wouldn't mind me having a piece of that action right over there.
Reed Rothchild: Michelle; I'll introduce you.
Todd Parker: Sure, introduce her to my lap!
Reed Rothchild: Ha ha. You just get off of work, man?
Todd Parker: Don't dance Sunday nights.
Reed Rothchild: Right.
Todd Parker: Who's 'vette is that out in the driveway?
Reed Rothchild: DIRK! I'm so jealous.
Todd Parker: That shit's jammin', man.
Todd Parker: Start down low with a 350 cube, three and a quarter horsepower, 4-speed, 4:10 gears, ten coats of competition orange, hand-rubbed lacquer with a huplane manifold,
Todd Parker: Full fuckin' race cams. Whoo!
Rahad Jackson: You want somethin' to drink? A little pill, a little coke, a little dope? I got everything!
Jack Horner: The story sucks them in.
Joe: [as Dirk is in his truck and trying to rub his penis to get an erection] Come on!
Dirk: [Dirk stops] I can't! I can't get it hard, right? I can't. I'm sorry!
[another truck suddenly pulls up with a group of guys]
Joe: You just shouldn't do this sort of thing, you faggot!
[punches Dirk]
Dirk: You know, I'm gonna be a great big bright, shining star.
Jack Horner: He's my 17-year-old piece of gold.
Rollergirl: [to Amber in a documentary about Dirk] He can fuck really hard or he can fuck really gently. He's the best.
Dirk: [standing in the kitchen at work with Jack] So, you want five or ten?
Jack Horner: What?
Dirk: Well, if you just wanna see me jack off, it's ten. But if you just wanna look at it, it's only five.
[Reed and Buck discuss a magic trick in a loud and crowded night club]
Buck Swope: Doesn't it scare you dealing with all those evil forces?
Reed Rothchild: Evil horses?
Buck Swope: Evil forces.
Reed Rothchild: Evil? No man, it's not evil. It's an illusion.
Buck Swope: Yeah, yeah, it's confusing.
[Reed looks confused and smiles]
Reed Rothchild: Thank you.
[last lines]
Dirk: [practicing his lines in the mirror] I've been around this block twice now. Looking for something. A clue. I've been looking for clues and something led me back here. Yeah. So here I am. It could have been me, the one who was at Ringo's place when the shit went down. Hey. I know how it is. I've been there. We've all done bad things. We've all had those guilty feelings in our heart. I'm going to take your brain out of your head and wash it and scrub it and make it clean. I don't know. But I'm going to have to settle this. First we're going to check the hole and see what we can find. We're going to get nice and wet, and you're going to spread your legs. Oh, that's good. So you know me. You know my reputation. Thirteen inches of tough load, I don't treat you gently. That's right. I'm Brock Landers. So I'm going to be nice. So I'm going to be nice. So I'm going to be nice, I'm going to ask you one more time. Where the fuck is Ringo?
Dirk: [he stands, unzips his pants and pulls out his penis] I am a star. I'm a star, I'm a star, I'm a star. I am a big, bright, shining star. That's right.
[he rezips his pants]
Little Bill's wife: Don't stop, Big Stud!
Dirk: I'm ready to shoot RIGHT NOW.
Jack Horner: I don't want it loud, I want it mellow. Mellow!
Maurice: I'm the ultimate Latin Lover. There ain't no Latin Lover like me.
Amber Waves: Too many things too many things too many things... I wanna go for a walk. Let's go for a walk.
Reed Rothchild: I have other interests. I'm a magician.
Donut Shop Robber: [suddenly charges in the donut shop with a gun] Alright, motherfucker! Empty the cash register *now,* motherfucker! HURRY UP!
Buck Swope: [puts his hands up]
[whispers loudly]
Buck Swope: Jesus Christ!
Donut Shop Robber: [points gun at Buck] Shut the *fuck* up!
[to the cashier]
Donut Shop Robber: HURRY UP WITH THAT SHIT!
[the donut shop cashier starts emptying out his register; a random customer sitting at a table watches]
Donut Shop Robber: [the cashier hands the robber a brown bag full of cash] No, no, no, motherfucker! Empty the safe, too, asshole! Come on, I haven't got all night!
[the cashier goes to empty the safe as the customer sitting silently at the nearby table quickly reaches inside his coat jacket]
Donut Shop Robber: [the shop robber turns to Buck] Don't even move!
Buck Swope: [trembling with his hands still in the air] I'm not movin', I'm not moving...
Donut Shop Robber: SHUT UP! Don't even fuckin' move, man!
[the cashier begins to empty out the safe and collects large amounts of cash; the customer sitting at the table pulls out a pistol]
Buck Swope: [stutters] I'm not...
Donut Shop Robber: Shut the fuck up!
Buck Swope: [Buck spots the customer aiming his gun at the robber] Hey, hey! Don't do that! No, no, no, no...
Donut Shop Robber: [to Buck] You shut the fuck up!
