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Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997) Poster

Quotes

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Dr. Evil: The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen-year-old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard, really. At the age of twelve, I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I suggest you try it.

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Austin Powers: Allow myself to introduce... myself.

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Dr. Evil: Gentlemen, I have a plan. It's called blackmail. The Royal Family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world. Either the Royal Family pays us an exorbitant amount of money, or we make it seen that Prince Charles has had an affair outside of marriage and therefore would have to divorce!

Number Two: Prince Charles *did* have an affair. He admitted it, and they are now divorced.

Dr. Evil: Right, people you have to tell me these things, okay? I've been frozen for thirty years, okay? Throw me a frickin' bone here! I'm the boss! Need the info.

[pause]

Dr. Evil: Okay no problem. Here's my second plan. Back in the 60's, I had a weather changing machine that was, in essence, a sophisticated heat beam which we called a "laser." Using these "lasers," we punch a hole in the protective layer around the Earth, which we scientists call the "Ozone Layer." Slowly but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the risk of skin cancer. That is unless the world pays us a hefty ransom.

Number Two: [pause] That also already has happened.

[in original pressings, Number Two said "That also has already been done."]

Dr. Evil: Shit. Oh hell, let's just do what we always do. Hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage. Yeah? Good! Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that a breakaway Russian Republic called Kreplachistan will be transferring a nuclear warhead to the United Nations in a few days. Here's the plan. We get the warhead and we hold the world ransom for... ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

Number Two: Don't you think we should ask for *more* than a million dollars? A million dollars isn't exactly a lot of money these days. Virtucon alone makes over 9 billion dollars a year!

Dr. Evil: Really? That's a lot of money.

[pause]

Dr. Evil: Okay then, we hold the world ransom for...

Dr. Evil: One... Hundred... BILLION DOLLARS!

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Basil Exposition: Austin, the Cold War is over!

Austin Powers: Finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh? Eh comrades? Eh?

Basil Exposition: Austin... we won.

Austin Powers: Oh, smashing, groovy, yay capitalism!

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[filling out a form]

Austin Powers: Name? Austin Danger Powers. Sex? Yes please!

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Vanessa Kensington: Look, I know I'm being neurotic, but I can't shake off this suspicious feeling about that Italian secretary. You know, Miss Fagina. I don't want to sound paranoid, but I've had some bad relationships in the past, and I have been known to be jealous. I'm sorry.

Austin Powers: No, don't be sorry, baby. You're right to be suspicious. I shagged her.

Vanessa Kensington: What?

Austin Powers: I shagged her rotten, baby, yeah!

Vanessa Kensington: I don't believe you, Austin! I mean, she was repellant.

Austin Powers: Saucer of milk, table 2. Meow.

Vanessa Kensington: Well, did you use protection?

Austin Powers: Of course. I had my 9mm automatic.

Vanessa Kensington: You know I meant 'did you use a condom'?

Austin Powers: No. Only sailors use condoms, baby.

Vanessa Kensington: Not in the 90's, Austin.

Austin Powers: Well they should, those filthy beggars. They go from port to port.

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Vanessa Kensington: Mr. Powers, my job is to acclimatize you to the nineties. You know, a lot's changed since 1967.

Austin Powers: No doubt, love, but as long as people are still having promiscuous sex with many anonymous partners without protection while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a pound!

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Austin Powers: Only two things scare me, and one is nuclear war.

Basil Exposition: What's the other?

Austin Powers: Excuse me?

Basil Exposition: What's the other thing that scares you?

Austin Powers: Carnies.

Basil Exposition: What?

Austin Powers: Circus folk. Nomads, you know. Smell like cabbage. Small hands.

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Dr. Evil: You know, I have one simple request, and that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Now, evidently, my cycloptic colleague informs me that that can't be done. Uh, can you remind me what I pay you people for? Honestly, throw me a bone here! What do we have?

Number Two: Sea bass.

Dr. Evil: [pause] Right.

Number Two: They are mutated sea bass.

Dr. Evil: Really? Are they ill-tempered?

Number Two: Absolutely.

Dr. Evil: That's a start, you know.

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Dr. Evil: Scott, I want you to meet Daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers.

Scott Evil: What, are you feeding him? Why don't you just kill him?

Dr. Evil: No, Scott. I have an even better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death.

Scott Evil: Why don't you just shoot him now? I mean, I'll go get a gun. We'll shoot him together. It'll be fun. Bang! Dead. Done.

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Scott Evil: I was thinking I like animals. Maybe I'd be a vet.

Dr. Evil: An evil vet?

Scott Evil: No! Maybe like work in a petting zoo.

Dr. Evil: An evil petting zoo?

Scott Evil: You always do that!

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Scott Evil: I hate you! I hate you! I wish I was never artificially created in a lab!

Dr. Evil: Scott, that hurts daddy when you say that. Honestly.

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Casino Dealer: 17.

Number Two: Hit me.

Casino Dealer: You have 17, sir.

Number Two: I like to live dangerously.

Casino Dealer: [Hit for four] :21. Very good, sir.

[to Austin]

Casino Dealer: :5.

Austin Powers: I'll stay.

Casino Dealer: I suggest you hit, sir.

Austin Powers: I also like to live dangerously.

Casino Dealer: 20 beat your 5 sir. I'm sorry, sir.

Austin Powers: Well I must admit, cards aren't my bag, baby.

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Scott Evil: I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me.

Therapist: He doesn't really want to kill you. Sometimes we just say that.

Dr. Evil: No actually the boy is quite astute. I really am trying to kill him, but so far unsuccessfully. He's quite wily, like his old man.

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Austin Powers: My god, Vanessa's got a fabulous body... I bet she shags like a minx... How do I let them know because of the unfreezing process, I have no inner monologue? I hope I didn't just say that all out loud just now.

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Austin Powers: That's Dr. Evil's cat!

Vanessa Kensington: How can you tell?

Austin Powers: I never forget a pussy... cat.

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Dr. Evil: All right guard, begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism.

[guard starts dipping mechanism]

Dr. Evil: Close the tank!

Scott Evil: Wait, aren't you even going to watch them? They could get away!

Dr. Evil: No no no, I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying, I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. What?

Scott Evil: I have a gun, in my room, you give me five seconds, I'll get it, I'll come back down here, BOOM, I'll blow their brains out!

Dr. Evil: Scott, you just don't get it, do ya? You don't.

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[Austin and Vanessa see a man decapitated]

Austin Powers: Not the time to lose one's head.

Vanessa Kensington: No.

Austin Powers: That's not the way to get ahead in life.

Vanessa Kensington: No.

Austin Powers: It's a shame he wasn't more headstrong.

Vanessa Kensington: Hmm.

Austin Powers: He'll never be the head of a major corporation.

Vanessa Kensington: Okay, that'll do.

Austin Powers: Okay.

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U.N. Representative: So, Mr. Evil...

Dr. Evil: It's Dr. Evil, I didn't spend six years in Evil Medical School to be called "mister," thank you very much.

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Austin Powers: [holding Scott hostage] It seems the tables have turned again, Dr. Evil.

Dr. Evil: Not really. Kill the little bastard, see if I care.

Scott Evil: But dad, we just had a breakthrough in group.

Dr. Evil: I had the group LIQUIDATED, you little shit! They were insolent!

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Scott Evil: It's no hassle...

Dr. Evil: Sh!

Scott Evil: But...

Dr. Evil: Sh!

Scott Evil: I'm...

Dr. Evil: Sh!

Scott Evil: All I'm say...

Dr. Evil: Sh!

Scott Evil: There gonna get a...

Dr. Evil: Sh!

Scott Evil: I'm...

Dr. Evil: Sh!

Scott Evil: I'm just...

Dr. Evil: Sh!

Scott Evil: Would...

Dr. Evil: Sh!... Knock-knock.

Scott Evil: Who's there?

Dr. Evil: Sh!

Scott Evil: But...

Dr. Evil: Let me tell you a little story about a man named Sh! Sh! even before you start. That was a pre-emptive "sh!" Now, I have a whole bag of "sh!" with your name on it.

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Austin Powers: Actually, my name is Austin Powers. Danger is my middle name.

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Cowboy: Whoo! That is one crazy get-up, mister... Are you in the show?

Austin Powers: No, actually, I'm English.

Cowboy: Oh... I'm sorry.

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Austin Powers: [drowning a man in the toilet] Who does Number Two work for? Who does Number Two work for?

Cowboy: That's right, buddy. You show that turd who's boss.

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Austin Powers: Shall we shag now, or shall we shag later? How do you like to do it? Do you like to wash up first? You know, top and tails... whore's bath? Personally, before I'm on the job, I like to give my undercarriage a bit of a 'how's your father'!

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Austin Powers: Dr. Evil, do you really expect them to pay?

Dr. Evil: No, Mr. Powers. I expect them to die. Even after they pay me the money, I'm still gonna melt every city on the planet with liquid hot magma.

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[returning Austin's personal property after reanimating him]

Quartermaster Clerk: One Swedish-made penis enlarger.

Austin Powers: [to Vanessa] That's not mine.

Quartermaster Clerk: One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger signed by Austin Powers.

Austin Powers: I'm telling ya baby, that's not mine.

Quartermaster Clerk: One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers.

Austin Powers: I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.

Quartermaster Clerk: One book, "Swedish-made Penis Enlargers And Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag Baby", by Austin Powers.

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[first lines]

Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins, and yet each of you has failed to kill Austin Powers. That makes me angry. And when Dr. Evil gets angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset. And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset... people DIE!

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Austin Powers: She's the village bicycle! Everyone's had a ride.

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Frau Farbissina: Remember when we froze your semen? You said that if it didn't look like you were coming back we should try to create an heir so a part of you would live forever?

Dr. Evil: Oh, sure.

Frau Farbissina: Well, after a couple of years we... got a little impatient. Dr. Evil, I want you to meet your son.

Dr. Evil: My son?

Frau Farbissina: Ja. SCOTT!

[Scott enters]

Dr. Evil: Hello, Scott.

Scott Evil: Hi.

Dr. Evil: I'm your father. Dr Evil.

Scott Evil: I haven't seen you my whole life, and-and now you come back and just *expect* a relationship? I hate you. What?

Dr. Evil: Could I have a hug?

Scott Evil: No.

Dr. Evil: Give me a hug.

Scott Evil: No way.

Dr. Evil: Come here.

Scott Evil: I'm not coming over there.

Dr. Evil: Let's go.

Scott Evil: Forget it.

Dr. Evil: Pronto.

Scott Evil: What are you doing?

Dr. Evil: I'm with it. I'm hip.

[trying his best to do the Macarana]

Dr. Evil: Well, don't look at me like I'm frickin' Frankenstein! Give your father a hug.

Scott Evil: You're... hey, don't touch me!

Dr. Evil: Hug, hug, hug. Hug, hug, hug.

Scott Evil: Get away from me, you lazy-eyed psycho!

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Austin Powers: Yeah, baby, yeah

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Vanessa Kensington: Mr. Powers, I would never have sex with you, ever! If you were the last man on earth and I was the last woman on earth, and the future of the human race depended on our having sex, simply for procreation, I still would not have sex with you.

Austin Powers: What's your point, Vanessa?

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[Looking at the man that Austin Powers had drowned and left in the toilet]

Cowboy: Jesus Christ, boy! What did you eat?

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Dr. Evil: [Dr. Evil is introducing his henchmen] Patty O'Brien: ex-Irish assassin. His trademark?

[Patty O'Brien is shown wearing a bracelet with trinkets on it]

Dr. Evil: A superstitious man, he leaves a tiny keepsake on every victim he kills. Scotland Yard would love to get their hands on that piece of evidence.

Paddy O'Brien: Aye. They're always after me lucky charms.

[Dr. Evil and Frau Farbissina laugh]

Paddy O'Brien: What? Why does everyone always laugh when I say that? They *are* after me lucky charms! What?

Frau Farbissina: It's a television commercial. With this cartoon leprechaun, and all of these children are trying to chase him, "Hey, leprechaun, leprechaun man, we want to get your lucky charms." Oh! And there are these little tiny pieces of mashmallow just stuck right in the cereal. So when the kids eat them they think, "Oooh this is candy, I'm having fun!"

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Vanessa Kensington: Always wanting to have fun, Austin. That's you in a nutshell!

Austin Powers: No, this is me in a nutshell.

[acts as if he were in a nutshell]

Austin Powers: Help! I'm in a nutshell! How did I get into this nutshell? Look at the size of this bloody great big nutshell! What sort of shell has a nut like this? This is crazy!

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Austin Powers: Do I make you horny? Randy? Do I make you horny, baby? Yeah, do I?

Vanessa Kensington: [in disgust] God, I hope this is part of the unfreezing process.

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Dr. Evil: I like to see girls of that... caliber.

[pause]

Dr. Evil: By "caliber," of course, I refer to both the size of their gun barrels and the high quality of their characters... Two meanings... caliber... it's a homonym... Forget it.

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Austin Powers: [has just farted in Alotta's hot tub] Pardon me for being rude, it was not me it was my food, it just popped up to say hello, but now it's gone back down below.

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Scott Evil: Well my friend Sweet Jay took me to that video arcade in town, right, and they don't speak English there, so Jay got into a fight and he's all, "Hey quit hasslin' me cuz' I don't speak French" or whatever! And then the guy said something in Paris talk, and I'm like, "Just back off!" And they're all, "Get out!" And we're like, "Make me!" It was cool.

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Dr. Evil: Finally, we come to my number two man. His name? Number Two.

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Dr. Evil: There's nothing more pathetic than an aging hipster.

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Alotta Fagina: How dare you break wind before me.

Austin Powers: I'm sorry I didn't realize it was your turn.

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Austin Powers: Allow myself to introduce myself. My name is Richie Cunningham, and this is my wife, Oprah.

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[Austin tries to resist to Fembots]

Austin Powers: [muttering] Baseball, cold showers, baseball, cold showers.

[One of the fembots stands over him and opens her legs]

Austin Powers: Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!

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Dr. Evil: This is Frau Farbissina, founder and leader of the militant wing of the Salvation Army.

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Austin Powers: Ooo, Behave!

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Basil Exposition: [after Austin punched Basil's mother and attempted to pull her hair out] You have a lot of explaining to do!

Austin Powers: I'm sorry, Basil. I thought she was a man.

Basil Exposition: Dammit, man! You're talking about my Mother!

Austin Powers: Well, you have to admit, she is rather man-ish.

Basil Exposition: [shocked] Austin!

Austin Powers: Well, no offense, but if that is a woman it does look like she was beaten with an ugly stick!

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Austin Powers: That really hurt! I'm gonna have a lump there, you idiot! Who throws a shoe? Honestly! You fight like a woman!

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[Dr. Evil has opened a trapdoor, sending Mustafa and several incompetent henchmen falling into a furnace, but Mustafa is still alive. A gunshot is heard]

Mustafa: You shot me!

[pause]

Mustafa: You shot me right in the arm!

[another gunshot]

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Austin Powers: I won't bite... hard.

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Austin Powers: Come again?

Alotta Fagina: Alotta Fagina

Austin Powers: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just not getting it, it sounds like you said your name was a lot of um... never mind!

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Austin Powers: Wait Vanessa, I can explain. You see, I was looking for Dr. Evil when the Fembots came out and smoke started coming out of their jomblies. So I started to work my mojo, to counter their mojo; we got cross-mojulation, and their heads started exploding.

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Austin Powers: WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

Basil Exposition: The shouting is a temporary side-effect of the unfreezing.

Austin Powers: Yes... I'm having difficulty controlling THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE.

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Dr. Evil: I demand the sum... OF 1 MILLION DOLLARS.

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Number Two: Over the last thirty years, Virtucon has grown by leaps and bounds. About fifteen years ago, we changed from volatile chemicals to the communication industry. We own cable companies in thirty-eight states.

[the thirty-eight states illuminate on a map]

Number Two: In addition to our cable holdings, we own a steel mill in Cleveland.

[a steel mill miniature illuminates in Cleveland]

Number Two: Shipping in Texas.

[a ship off the coast of Texas illuminates]

Number Two: Oil refineries in Seattle.

[an oil refinery illuminates in Seattle]

Number Two: And a factory in Chicago that makes miniature models of factories.

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Austin Powers: Why take the escalator when I have a perfectly good canoe right here?

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Austin Powers: That's fascinating, Vanessa. Listen, why don't we go in the back and shag?

Vanessa Kensington: What?

Austin Powers: I've been frozen for 30 years. I've gotta see if my bits and pieces are still working.

Vanessa Kensington: Excuse me?

Austin Powers: My Wedding tackle.

Vanessa Kensington: I'm sorry. Uh...

Austin Powers: My meat and two veg. My twig and berries. H-ello, lads, are you still awake?

Vanessa Kensington: Mr. Powers... Mr. Powers, please! I'd appreciate it if you could concentrate on our mission and give your libido a rest...

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Dr. Evil: [calls to his cat while shaking a bag of Meow Mix] Din-Din! "I wants chicken, I want liver, Meow Mix, Meow Mix, please deliver!"

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Austin Powers: Jimi Hendrix deceased, drugs. Janis Joplin deceased, alcohol. Mama Cass deceased, ham sandwich.

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Alotta Fagina: Some sake, Mr. Cunningham?

Austin Powers: Sake it to me baby!

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Dr. Evil: [addressing the members of the U.N] Gentlemen, I give you the Vulcan...

[the drill is unveiled]

Dr. Evil: The world's most powerful subterranean drill.

Austin Powers: Does that make you horny?

Vanessa Kensington: [a little disgusted] Not now, Austin.

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Austin Powers: What exactly do you do, Mr. Number Two?

Number Two: That's my business. Now if you'll excuse, I have to go to the little boys' room.

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Austin Powers: Yeah, and I can't believe Liberace was gay. I mean, women loved him! I didn't see that one coming.

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Dr. Evil: Son, wouldn't you like to see what daddy does for a living?

Scott Evil: Blow me.

Dr. Evil: What?

Scott Evil: Show me.

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Therapist: We have some new-comers here today. Please say hello to Scott and his father Mr... Ev-ille?

Dr. Evil: Evil, Actually, Dr. Evil.

The Group: Hello, Scott. Hello, Dr. Evil.

Scott Evil: Hi, everybody.

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Vanessa Kensington: What's your plan?

Austin Powers: [nervously] First, I plan to soil myself. Then I'm going to regroup and come up with a new plan. Any thoughts?

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Austin Powers: Judo chop!

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Frau Farbissina: Bring in the FEMBOTS!

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Dr. Evil: Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots?

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[last line before credits]

Dr. Evil: I'm gonna get you Austin Powers! It's frickin' freezing in here, Mr. Bigglesworth.

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Alotta Fagina: In Japan, men come first and women come second.

Austin Powers: Or sometimes not at all.

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Dr. Evil: Do you like your quasi-futuristic clothes Mr. Powers? I designed them myself.

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Austin Powers: Au contraire baby, you can't resist me.

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Austin Powers: No, you're right to be suspicious! I shagged her!

Vanessa Kensington: What?

Austin Powers: I shagged her rotten, baby, yeah!

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Austin Powers: I think you're shagedelic baby! You're switched on! You're smashing!

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[Austin Powers sees a man sitting in the corner of the restroom]

Austin Powers: Excuse me, but you didn't happen to see...

[Austin looks at the man and sees that he is blind]

Austin Powers: ...anything at all.

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Austin Powers: That's a man baby!

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Austin Powers: [to Vanessa, on her mother] She was very groovy. Your dad loved her very much. If there was one other cat in this world that could have loved her and treated her as well as your dad, well, it was me. But unfortunately, for yours truly, that train has sailed.

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Austin Powers: [to Dr Evil] What we swingers were rebelling against were uptight squares like you, whose bag was money and world domination. We were innocent, man! If we'd known the consequences of our sexual liberation, we would have done things differently. But the spirit would have remained the same. It's freedom, baby, yeah!

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Vanessa Kensington: Hello, Mummy?

Mrs. Kensington: Oh, hello, Vanessa. And how's Austin?

Vanessa Kensington: He's asleep.

Mrs. Kensington: You didn't.

Vanessa Kensington: No! I made him sleep on the sofa.

Mrs. Kensington: Vanessa, I'm proud of you.

Vanessa Kensington: Why?

Mrs. Kensington: Because you've managed to resist Austin Powers' charms.

Vanessa Kensington: [laughing] Oh, well, God knows he tried, Mummy. I actually had to end up being rather firm with him. What about his teeth? It's really bizarre.

Mrs. Kensington: Darling, you have to understand, in Britain in the '60s, you could be a sex symbol and still have bad teeth. It didn't matter.

Vanessa Kensington: Did you ever?

Mrs. Kensington: Me? No, of course not. I was married to your father.

Vanessa Kensington: Did you ever want to?

Mrs. Kensington: Austin is very charming, very debonair. He's handsome, witty, has a knowledge of fine wines. Women want him, and men want to be him. Every bit an international man of mystery.

Vanessa Kensington: Yeah, well, you didn't answer my question, Mummy.

Mrs. Kensington: I know. Let me just say this: Austin was the most loyal and... caring friend I ever had. I will always love him.

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Austin Powers: Hey, Americans, yeah! Enjoy that wine. Hey, there you are!

Las Vegas Tourist: Well, hi. Do I know you?

Austin Powers: No, but that's where you are. You're there.

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Austin Powers: You're smashed.

Vanessa Kensington: No, I'm not.

Austin Powers: Yes, you are.

Vanessa Kensington: No, I'm not. I'm the sensible one. I'm always the designated driver.

[after a moment of silence]

Vanessa Kensington: Oh, kiss me.

Austin Powers: I can't, darling.

Vanessa Kensington: Why not?

Austin Powers: 'Cause you're drunk. It's not right.

Vanessa Kensington: No, I'm not drunk. I'm just beginning to see what my Mummy was talking about all those years ago.

Austin Powers: I can't.

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Dr. Evil: Release the sharks! Mr. Powers, you'll notice that all the sharks have laser beams attached to their heads. I figure every creature deserves a warm meal.

Number Two: [clearing his throat] Ahem.

[whispering in his ear]

Number Two: Dr. Evil, it's about the sharks. When you were frozen, they were put on the endangered species list. We tried to get some, but it would've taken months to clear up the red tape.

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Dr. Evil: Gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. It's been 30 years, but I'm back. Everything's gone perfectly to plan except for one small flaw: due to a technical error by my henchman Mustafa, complications arose in the unfreezing process.

Mustafa: But my design was perfect.

Dr. Evil: Look what you did to Mr. Bigglesworth!

[he shows the Persian cat is now hairless]

Mustafa: But, Dr. Evil, we were unable to anticipate feline complications to the reanimation process...

Dr. Evil: Silence!

[he presses a button on a control box, and Mustafa is dumped from his chair into a furnace below]

Dr. Evil: Let this be a reminder to you all that this organization will not tolerate failure.

[Mustafa moans in agony]

Dr. Evil: Gentlemen, let's get down to business.

[another moan of agony]

Dr. Evil: We've got a lot of work to do.

Mustafa: Someone help me! I-I'm still alive, only I'm very... badly burned.

Dr. Evil: Some of you I know, some of you I'm meeting for the first time.

Mustafa: Ah-ah! Hello out there! Anyone! Could someone call an ambulance? I'm in quite... a lot of pain.

Dr. Evil: Okay, you've all been gathered here to form my evil cabinet.

Mustafa: Ohhh!

Dr. Evil: Excuse me.

[picking up a telephone receiver]

Dr. Evil: Yes, he's down there.

Voice on Dr. Evil's Telephone: Is he dead?

Dr. Evil: No, not dead. Burned. Badly.

Voice on Dr. Evil's Telephone: So you want me to take care of him?

Dr. Evil: Yes.

Voice on Dr. Evil's Telephone: I'll kill him.

Dr. Evil: Riiiiight.

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Vanessa Kensington: I'm gonna need you to sign these release forms.

Austin Powers: Release forms?

Vanessa Kensington: Well, yes. You're not officially working for the Ministry of Defence, and these forms indemnify the Ministry against any, um... mishaps that may occur in the line of duty.

Austin Powers: Mishaps? But isn't that what being an international man of mystery's all about?

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Dr. Evil: What are your plans for this evening?

Scott Evil: I thought I'd stay in. There's a good titty movie on Skinemax.

Dr. Evil: And that's how you'd like to live your life, is it?

Scott Evil: Yeah.

Dr. Evil: Pretty much. Right.

Scott Evil: What?

Dr. Evil: [he moves to press Scott's button on his furnace control box, but Frau swats his hand away with her riding crop] Ow!

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Dr. Evil: Ah, Number Two. Your timing is impeccable. Go ahead. Take Mr. Powers away.

Number Two: No.

Dr. Evil: What?

Number Two: Dr. Evil, I've spent 30 years of my life turning this two-bit evil empire into a world-class multinational. I was going to have a cover story in "Forbes". But you, like an idiot, wanted to take over the world. And you don't realize there is no world anymore. It's only corporations.

Dr. Evil: Silence, Number Two!

Number Two: No! I've had enough of you pushing me around. Mr. Powers, I have a business proposition you might find very interesting.

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Dr. Evil: Face it, freedom failed.

Austin Powers: No, man, freedom didn't fail. Right now we've got freedom and responsibility. It's a very groovy time.

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Austin Powers: I've got you now, Dr. Evil.

Dr. Evil: Well done, Mr. Powers. We're not so different, you and I. However, isn't it ironic that the very things you stand for - free love, swinging parties - are all now in the '90s considered to be... evil?

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Commander Gilmour: [after hearing about Dr. Evil's Big Boy rocket, which is returning] Good God. He's back!

Johnson Ritter: Well, in many ways, the Big Boy never left, sir. He's always offered the same high-quality meals at competitive prices.

Commander Gilmour: Shut up!

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Austin Powers: I've been frozen for 30 years. I've got to see if my bits and pieces are still working.

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Austin Powers: That ain't no woman! It's a man, man!

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[last lines]

Austin Powers: What say, you, we go out on the town and swing, baby? Yeah!

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Austin Powers: Smashing Baby! When this ship comes a' rockin', don't come a' knockin', baby!

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Austin Powers: It's freedom, baby, yeah!

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Easily Fooled Security Guard: [Hypnotized attempt at a British accent] I brought you your orange sher-bert.

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Austin Powers: Relax, Vanessa, don't have a thrombo.

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Commander Gilmour: I'm off to London, Eng-a-land.

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Dr. Evil: [after eliminating his inept henchpeople] Mustafa, Frau Farbissina, I spared your lives because I need you to help me rid the world of Britain's top secret agent, the only man who can stop me now. We must kill Austin Powers!

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Austin Powers: Why don't you ever model for me, Mrs. Kensington?

Mrs. Kensington: You know how Mr. Kensington feels about that.

Austin Powers: Oh, behave.

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General Borschevsky: So, who is this Austin Powers?

Basil Exposition: The ultimate gentleman spy. Irresistible to women, deadly to his enemies, a legend in his own time.

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Austin Powers: I've got you now, Dr. Evil.

Dr. Evil: Not this time. Come, Mr. Bigglesworth! See you in the future, Mr. Powers.

Mrs. Kensington: [he closes and seals his cryogenic pod] My God! He's freezing himself!

Basil Exposition: [narrating as the pod takes off inside a rocket-powered Bob's Big Boy statue] And so Dr. Evil escaped and had himself cryogenically frozen, to return at a time when free love no longer reigned, and greed and corruption ruled again.

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Austin Powers: Alotta meant nothing to me.

Vanessa Kensington: Well, it means something to me. Austin, if you want us to have a relationship, you have to get it into your head that times have changed. You can't just go off shagging anybody anymore. And if you could, I wouldn't, because I'm not like that.

Austin Powers: Vanessa... you're everything to me.

Vanessa Kensington: You just don't get it, do you? Well, good night, Austin. Welcome to the '90s. You're gonna be very lonely.

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Therapist: What brings you here with us today?

Scott Evil: Well, I just really met my dad for the first time five days ago.

Dr. Evil: I was partially frozen his whole life.

Therapist: That is beautiful that you can admit to that.

Scott Evil: He comes back, and-and now he wants me to take over the family business.

Dr. Evil: But, Scott, who's gonna take over the world when I die?

Therapist: Listen to the words he used: "who's going to take over the world when I die?" It feels like that to some of us sometimes, doesn't it?

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Vanessa Kensington: We're going to outfit you with this. It looks like a watch, but in fact, it's a geosynchronous positioning device.

Austin Powers: Very shagadelic.

Vanessa Kensington: And then there's this.

Austin Powers: Okay, let me guess. The floss is garrote wire, the toothpaste is plastic explosives, and the toothbrush is the detonation device.

Vanessa Kensington: No, actually. Well, since you've been frozen, there have been fabulous advances in the field of dentistry.

Austin Powers: W-What do you mean?

Vanessa Kensington: [understanding that he doesn't get the hint] Nothing.

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Vanessa Kensington: I look forward to working with you, but do me a favor and stop calling me "baby". You can address me... Agent Kensington.

Austin Powers: Oh, come on.

Vanessa Kensington: All right, then. Vanessa.

Austin Powers: Was that so hard?

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Vanessa Kensington: You know, I haven't had this much fun since college.

Austin Powers: Well, I'm sorry.

Vanessa Kensington: Why?

Austin Powers: I'm sorry that bug up your ass had to die.

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Cowboy: [hearing Austin strain in a toilet stall, unaware he's trying to fight off Paddy O'Brien] Hey, partner, come on, you gotta relax. Don't force it. Gonna blow out your O-ring, drop a lung.

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Austin Powers: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Burt Bacharach.

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Austin Powers: ["finding" the Swedish-made penis enlarger in his luggage] How did this get in here? Somebody's playing a prank on me. Honestly, it's not mine.

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U.N. Representative: It is the policy of the United Nations not to negotiate with terrorists.

Dr. Evil: Really? So long.

[the UN members begin panicking as his feed cuts]

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Austin Powers: You seem surprised to see me, Miss Fagina.

Alotta Fagina: What do you want, Mr... Cunningham, was it?

Austin Powers: Your boss, Number Two, I understand that cat's involved in big underground drills.

Alotta Fagina: How did you know?

Austin Powers: I didn't, baby. You just told me.

Alotta Fagina: We can talk about business later. Let me slip into something more comfortable.

Austin Powers: Oh, behave.

[entering her bedroom, she closes the door in a seductive manner]

Austin Powers: [interested] Oh.

[watching her silhouette as she undresses]

Austin Powers: Good God.

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Austin Powers: So... which side of the bed do you want?

Vanessa Kensington: You're sleeping on the sofa, Mr. Powers. In fact, I'd like to take this opportunity to remind you that the only reason we're sharing a room is to keep up the context that we're a married couple on vacation.

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Austin Powers: Whatever happens, I want you to know that I feel really bad about that Italian bird. What I'm trying to say is... that if you want me to be a one-woman man, well, that's just groovy, baby.

Vanessa Kensington: Behave.

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Vanessa Kensington: [holding up the penis enlarger pump] Austin.

Austin Powers: [being choked by Random Task] Honestly, it's not mine.

Vanessa Kensington: No, use it.

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Austin Powers: You know, Vanessa, I'll never forget the first time I saw you. You were so incredibly beautiful... so incredibly sexy... I knew I had to have you. Right then and there. Did you feel the same way?

Vanessa Kensington: Actually, I couldn't stop staring at your teeth.

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Austin Powers: That's not your mother, it's a man, baby!

[pulling at her hair]

Austin Powers: Get off! Get off! Come on! Why won't this wig come off? Ugh! Ugh!

Basil Exposition: Austin!

Austin Powers: Yeah, hold on. Hold on one second.

Basil Exposition: No, no! Unhand my mother!

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Dr. Evil: One more peep out of you and you're grounded Mister and I am not joking. Let's begin.

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Austin Powers: Its time to swing, baby.

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Austin Powers: Judo KICK!

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[entering the Electric Psychedelic Pussycat Swingers' Club]

Austin Powers: This is my happening and it freaks me out!

[c.f.]

Austin Powers: [link=tt0065466] ]

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