Ewen Bremner: Spud
Spud : [singing] Did you think I would leave you crying, when there's room on my horse for two? Climb up here, Tommy and don't be dying, I can go just as fast with two. When we grow up we'll both be soldiers And our horses will not be toys, and I wonder if we'll remember when we were two little boys.
1st Interviewer : Mr. Murphy, do you mean that you lied on your application?
Spud : No! Uh. Yes. Only to get my foot in the door. Showing initiative and that like.
1st Interviewer : But you were referred here by the department of employment, there was no need for you to get your "foot in the door," as you put it.
Spud : Ehhh... cool. Whatever you say, I'm sorry. You're the man. The dude in the chair.
2nd Interviewer : Mr. Murphy, what attracts you to the leisure industry?
Spud : In a word: pleasure. It's like, my pleasure in other people's leisure.
Tommy : Useless motherfucker, that's what she called me. I told her, I'm sorry, but these things happen. Let's put it behind us.
Spud : That's fair enough.
Tommy : Yes, but then she finds out I've bought a ticket for Iggy Pop the same night.
Spud : Went ballistic?
Tommy : Big time. Absolutely fucking radge. 'It's me or Iggy Pop, time to decide.'
Spud : So what's it going to be?
Tommy : Well, I've paid for the ticket.
Tommy : How's it going with Gail?
Spud : No joy yet.
Tommy : How long is it?
Spud : Six weeks.
Tommy : Six weeks!
Spud : It's a nightmare. She told me she didn't want our relationship to start on a physical basis as that is how it would be principally defined from then on in.
Tommy : Where did she come up with that?
Spud : She read it in Cosmopolitan.
Tommy : Six weeks and no sex?
Spud : I've got balls like watermelons, I'm telling you.
Spud : No! I went to Craigy, Craig Newton. I just put down "Royal Edinburgh College" to help get the job. There's too much discrimination in this town, man. Cause they're both schools, right? And we are all in this together, and I want to put across the general idea rather than the details, like people get all hung up on details, like which school did I go to? How many grades did I get? It could be six, it could be none. It's not important! What is important is that I am, yes?
Man : Mr. Murphy, do you mean that you lied on your application?
Spud : No! Oh yeah, oh yes, only to get my foot in the door, showing initiative and that like.
Man : But you were referred here by the department of employment, there was no need for you to get your "foot in the door" as you put it.
Spud : Eh, cool, whatever you say man, sorry. You're the man, the dude-in-the-chair. I am merely here... like obviously I'm here like, but...
Man : Mr. Murphy, what exactly attracts you to the leisure industry?
Spud : In a word? Pleasure. Like my pleasure in other people's leisure.
Woman : Do you see yourself as having any weaknesses?
Spud : [Shakes head] Oh yes! Cause like I'm a bit of a perfectionist, actually. Yes, I am. See, for me it's got to be the best or is nothing at all. Like, things get a bit dodgy I just cannot be bothered. But here I've got good vibes about this interview thing today, mate. Seems to me that it's going pretty well, eh?
Man : Thank you Mr. Murphy, we'll let you know.
Spud : The pleasure was mine, mate.
Spud : I could really handle some hot sex with a Jewish princess!