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Title: The Portrait of a Lady (1996)
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| Cast overview, first billed only: | |||
| Nicole Kidman | ... | Isabel Archer | |
| John Malkovich | ... | Gilbert Osmond | |
| Barbara Hershey | ... | Madame Serena Merle | |
| Mary-Louise Parker | ... | Henrietta Stackpole | |
| Martin Donovan | ... | Ralph Touchett | |
| Shelley Winters | ... | Mrs. Touchett | |
| Richard E. Grant | ... | Lord Warburton | |
| Shelley Duvall | ... | Countess Gemini | |
| Christian Bale | ... | Edward Rosier | |
| Viggo Mortensen | ... | Caspar Goodwood | |
| Valentina Cervi | ... | Pansy Osmond | |
| John Gielgud | ... | Mr. Touchett | |
| Roger Ashton-Griffiths | ... | Bob Bantling | |
 |
Catherine Zago | ... | Mother Superior |
|
|
Alessandra Vanzi | ... | Nun #2 |
Isabel Archer, an American heiress and free thinker travels to Europe to find herself. She tactfully rebuffs the advances of Caspar Goodwood, another American who has followed her to England. Her cousin, Ralph Touchett, wise but sickly becomes a soulmate of sorts for her. She makes an unfortunate alliance with the creepy Madame Merle who leads her to make an even more unfortunate alliance with Gilbert Osmond, a smooth but cold collector of Objets' de art who seduces her with an intense but unattainable sexuality. Isabel marries Osmond only to realize she's just another piece of art for his collection and that Madame Merle and Osmond are lovers who had hatched a diabolical scheme to take Isabel's fortune. Isabel's only comfort is the innocent daughter of Osmond, Pansy, but even that friendship is spoiled when Countess Gemini, Osmond's sister, reveals the child's true parentage. Isabel finally breaks free of Osmond and returns to Ralph's bedside, where, while breathing his last, they ... Written by Teresa B. <O'Donnell@worldnet.att.net>
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If the Carry on Team made 'Carry On Florence' would people who wear Panama hats still watch it because it's in Florence? Well they may as well, as it would have about the same dinner party kudos as Jane Campion's 'The Portrait of a Lady', this film pins all of its hopes on appealing to the same crowd who have the directors cut of 'A room with a view', which incidentally should never sit next to this passionless nonsense on a DVD rack, it would be like putting a Chopin CD next to a Booty Gyals Rap attack CD.
Anyway to cut to the chase for some reason we the audience just like the cast are supposed to be captivated and / or in some way enchanted by Isabel Archer(Played by Nicole Kidman) who if she were a Cocktail would be a glass of Luke warm tap water, admittedly she is unforgettable as she had an Austrailian accent throughout, and sported a full head of red Pubic hair. Nevertheless the film carries on regardless (ooops wasn't that a Carry on?) assuming (insisting) that you're sold on Ms Archer and her great invisible bag of charm.
She teases three men who are all clamoring for her affection, all of whom may have had their own personalities and characters but you won't know as it didn't seem important to include such detail.
Only when she gets to Florence does she finally meet someone who can match her invisible bag of charm, he comes in the very camp average form of Gilbert Osmond played by John Malkovich, he does however speak (again slightly camply) in a consistent whispering single tone, that similar to serial killers, this seems for the most part to be just what Mssss Archer had been missing whilst plagued by all of those Testosterone touting 'oh so predictable' men. He is completely ill equipt as a seducer both physically and mentally but then again Ms Archer has about the same kit, therefore the question is, does anyone care what happens to empty boring people, in an empty boring film?
During a business trip a colleague of mine asked me to watch this, I said to her jokingly that it sounds like a Chick Flick and that I had already seen Fried Green Tomatoes (a good film), she insisted it wasn't.....Shelly Winters (Great actress) was in the opening credits.. need I say more... as De Niro would say 'Whatchagonnadoo?'
A supporting character that shouldn't go unmentioned is Henrietta Stackpole played by Mary-Louise Parker, she is completely 1990... every time she was in a scene I couldn't help trying to spot her time machine, she even had that new contrived horrible spoiled nasal Californian accent, you know instead of saying 'never ever' they say 'Navaar Avaaaar'.
I just hope no 'Ladies' try and watch this in the innocent hope it may trigger some wild passionate dreams about moody Barons fighting in moonlit Florence over their 'Porcelain beauty'.. because ladies you'll be disappointed, and if things are so bad you're not disappointed, and that this film does indeed tick your passion boxes ... then you need a divorce....or your Husband does.