Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (1996) Poster

Michael J. Nelson: Mike Nelson



  • Cal Meecham : [after German scientist comments on Mozart at dinner]  What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter?

    Exeter : I'm afraid I don't know the chap.

    Tom Servo : "I'm not an alien!"

    Exeter : My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course.

    Cal Meecham : *Our* composer - he belongs to the world!

    Exeter : Yes, indeed.

    Mike : "I'm not an alien."

    Cal Meecham : That dinner, Exeter, was even more perfect than you promised. Now if you'll excuse me, I could do with some fresh air myself.

    Crow T. Robot : He's gonna get high!

    Cal Meecham : Would you care to join me, Dr. Adams?

    Tom Servo : "Uh, no!"

    Cal Meecham : You, Dr. Carlson?

    Mike : "Your turn to walk the Cal."

    Exeter : Why don't you? Show him the grounds.

    Crow T. Robot : "I dare ya!"

    Exeter : We won't start cracking the whip on Meecham until tomorrow.

    Tom Servo : "Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat, and lay my eggs in your chest! But I'm *not* an alien!"

  • [as Cal and Joe assemble the Interositor] 

    Crow T. Robot : Science and Industry!

    Tom Servo : See big men sticking screw drivers into things - turning them - AND ADJUSTING THEM!

    Crow T. Robot : Build your very own Atom Storage Box!

    Mike : Bringing you state-of-the-art in soft-serve technology!

    Crow T. Robot : Removes lids off bottles and jars of all sizes - and it really, really works.

  • Benkitnorf : [the crew catches Benkitnorf in the shower on Tom Servo's interositer]  Man, you guys scared the living daylights out of me!

    Mike : It's working! Hey! Hi, is Exeter there?

    Benkitnorf : Nah, him and Brack went down to Headbutt Days for Shelly. I gotta meet 'em in the beer tent in about fifteen minutes, so I gotta get going, 'kay?

    Tom Servo : No, wait! We're trapped in space! Can we use this thing to get back to Earth?

    Benkitnorf : I don't know. Geez... let's see, maybe this does something...

    [pushes button, zapping Servo] 

    Benkitnorf : Crap. That's not it. Hang on...

    [gets manual] 

    Benkitnorf : Okay. Did you use the Intensifier Disc?

    All : Yes.

    Benkitnorf : Turn the controls 18 degrees to the left?

    All : Did that.

    Benkitnorf : Are you in Europe? Do you need an adapter?

    All : No.

    Benkitnorf : Well, look. I don't know anything about this thing. Maybe this does something...

    [pushes button, zapping Servo again] 

    Benkitnorf : Oops. That didn't work. Okay, well I'll be sure to tell Exeter to give you a call! Bye!

  • Mike Nelson : [as a Postman delivers a letter]  Sort this, deliver that, I'll make 'em all pay.

  • Exeter : They're concentrating all their attention on Metaluna. Those flashes of light - they're meteors. Hundreds of them! The intense heat is turning Metaluna into a radioactive sun. The temperature must be thousands of degrees by now.

    Crow T. Robot : Cooler by the lake.

    Exeter : A lifeless planet. And yet...

    Tom Servo : Rents are reasonable!

    Exeter : Yet, still serving a useful purpose, I hope. Yes... a sun, warming the surface of some other world - giving light to those who may need it.

    Mike : "Still, your whole family died. That's a bummer, huh?"

  • Mike : Boy, the landlady's gonna be mad.

    Tom Servo : Are you boys cooking up there?

    Mike : No.

    Tom Servo : Are you making an interositor?

    Mike : No!

  • [upon seeing that there is no one flying the plane] 

    Mike : I'm your pilot, Claud Rains. Your co-pilot, Harvey the Rabbit.

  • Mike Nelson : [as the Universal-Internation Presents credit comes up]  Doesn't the fact that it's universal make it international?

  • Mike : Crow!

    Crow T. Robot : [stops swinging pick-axe]  Huh?

    Mike : Crow, listen, you've gotta stop!

    Crow T. Robot : Oh, hi, Mike! I've found the perfect spot. Once I've breached through this wall we'll tunnel our way right back to Earth. URG!

    [returns to swinging pick-axe] 

    Crow T. Robot : Crow, you big dope! You can't tunnel through space.

    Crow T. Robot : [British accent]  Come, come, boy. We must confound Gerry at every turn!

  • Crow T. Robot : Man, the universe is really cruisin'.

    Tom Servo : Hey, look, there's Taurus the bull.

    Mike : And right underneath him the constellation feces.

    Crow T. Robot : Hey, look, Orion's broke.

  • Mike : Joe, I'm in one of these boxes, find me!

  • Mike : Yeah, let's slip awayy under cover of afternoon in the biggest car in the county!

  • Crow T. Robot : [as ship descends into fantastic Metaluna landscape]  Looks like Dr. Seuss designed their planet!

    Tom Servo : Oh, they're flying into a Roger Dean album cover.

    Crow T. Robot : They're very into "Yes" on this planet.

    Tom Servo : Hee hee!

    Mike : International flights always get the gate furthest from the terminal.

    Tom Servo : Remember, we're parked in the "Denubrian Slime Devil" lot!

  • Tom Servo : See, all rights are reserved, Callahan.

    Mike : [in a Clint Eastwood voice]  Yeah, but what about the rights of that little girl?

  • Mike : This is when science didn't have to have any specific purpose.

  • Cal Meecham : [Struggling with the controls of his jet]  I have no control...

    Mike : I keep eating and eating.

  • [alien spaceship catches plane in tractor beam] 

    Mike Nelson : I'm beginning to think they're not from around here.

    Tom Servo : No, I bet you they're English, or Canadian.

  • Plane Voice : Good morning, Dr. Meecham.

    Tom Servo : Good morning, Voice.

    Plane Voice : Hope you slept well.

    Mike Nelson : 'Cause it's time to die.

  • Plane Voice : Please be seated, Dr. Meechum. And welcome aboard.

    Mike Nelson : [imitating the Plane Voice]  You're being kidnapped by The Light FM!

  • Joe Wilson : You're too darned smart.

    Tom Servo : And handsome!

    Cal Meecham : I may just be the dumbest man who ever lived.

    Mike : No argument here.

  • Mike : Suddenly I have a refreshing mint flavor.

  • Mike : Washingtonland, the new Disney theme park.

  • Dr. Clayton Forrester : Say, come to think about it, I don't believe you bowed down before me recently.

    Mike : Sure we have - last week.

    Dr. Clayton Forrester : No, no, no, I think that was more of a curtsey than a bow. So why don't we all just bow down now?

    Mike : I don't see any reason to make us...

    [suddenly kneels, choking] 

    Crow T. Robot : [scared]  Bowing, sir!

    [Tom bows and prays to Dr. Forrester, speaking in tongues] 

  • Mike : Geez, Dr. Forrester!

    Crow T. Robot : What a dickweed!

  • [as Exeter's flying saucer crashes] 

    Tom Servo : Oh, don't mind me, I'm just a weather balloon!

    Mike : Just some swamp gas.

  • Mike : Putting the men's room in the tower, what was I thinking?

  • Mike : So they worship the ever-lasting gobstopper?

  • Mike : I'm just gona drop you at the north pole, that okay?

  • Mike Nelson : Doesn't the fact that it's universal make it international?

  • Crow T. Robot , Mike , Tom Servo : NORMAL VIEW! NORMAL VIIEEEEW!

  • [seeing the desolate, war-ravaged surface of Metaluna] 

    Mike : This must be what went on in Salvador Dali's head.

  • Mike Nelson : The Jetsons 2: After the Armageddon.

  • Mike : Eat at Joes Eat At Joes, Eat at Joes

  • Mike : Raspberry world. For all your raspberry needs.

  • Exeter : [Hammy]  Stand back... I command you, stand back!

    Mike : ACTING!

  • Mike : [as Cal, after Cal & Ruth's plane is beamed into the spaceship]  If I don't miss my guess, I think this has something to do with those white-haired fellows.

  • Cal Meecham : [reading from the iterociter handbook]  Iterociter incorporating planetary generator. Iterociter with voltarator. With astroscope.

    Mike Nelson : [as Cal turns the book sideways]  Saaaay, Miss Interociter!

  • Mike Nelson : [as Cal and Ruth are captured, as Cal]  I just know they're going to probe my anus.

  • [on approaching the planet Metaluna] 

    Mike : Eww, it's Michael Stipe's head!

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs

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