Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (1996) Poster

Trace Beaulieu: Dr. Clayton Forrester, Crow T. Robot



  • [Everyone is being sucked into the vacuum of space] 

    Crow T. Robot : Hey, Mike, you think you can toss me my calculations? Thanks! Ah, here it is. "Breach Hull - All Die." Even had it underlined.

  • Cal Meecham : [after German scientist comments on Mozart at dinner]  What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter?

    Exeter : I'm afraid I don't know the chap.

    Tom Servo : "I'm not an alien!"

    Exeter : My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course.

    Cal Meecham : *Our* composer - he belongs to the world!

    Exeter : Yes, indeed.

    Mike : "I'm not an alien."

    Cal Meecham : That dinner, Exeter, was even more perfect than you promised. Now if you'll excuse me, I could do with some fresh air myself.

    Crow T. Robot : He's gonna get high!

    Cal Meecham : Would you care to join me, Dr. Adams?

    Tom Servo : "Uh, no!"

    Cal Meecham : You, Dr. Carlson?

    Mike : "Your turn to walk the Cal."

    Exeter : Why don't you? Show him the grounds.

    Crow T. Robot : "I dare ya!"

    Exeter : We won't start cracking the whip on Meecham until tomorrow.

    Tom Servo : "Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat, and lay my eggs in your chest! But I'm *not* an alien!"

  • Carl Meecham : Relocation? To where?

    The Monitor : To your Earth.

    Exeter : A PEACEFUL relocation...

    Crow T. Robot : After the genocide, of course.

  • Joe : You know what my kids would say?

    Crow T. Robot : YOU'RE NOT MY REAL FATHER?

  • [as Exeter's flying saucer catches fire] 

    Crow T. Robot : "Service engine soon" I wonder what that's all about.

  • [as Cal and Joe assemble the Interositor] 

    Crow T. Robot : Science and Industry!

    Tom Servo : See big men sticking screw drivers into things - turning them - AND ADJUSTING THEM!

    Crow T. Robot : Build your very own Atom Storage Box!

    Mike : Bringing you state-of-the-art in soft-serve technology!

    Crow T. Robot : Removes lids off bottles and jars of all sizes - and it really, really works.

  • Crow T. Robot : Into the weenie mobile, weenie man away!

  • [after breaching the hull in an escape attempt] 

    Crow T. Robot : Well believe me, Mike, I calculated the odds of this succeeding versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid... and I went ahead anyway.

  • Exeter : Now place your hands above the rail

    [hands suddenly attach to the rail] 

    Exeter : ... they're magnetized.

    Crow T. Robot : And if your hands were metal, that would mean something.

  • Exeter : They're concentrating all their attention on Metaluna. Those flashes of light - they're meteors. Hundreds of them! The intense heat is turning Metaluna into a radioactive sun. The temperature must be thousands of degrees by now.

    Crow T. Robot : Cooler by the lake.

    Exeter : A lifeless planet. And yet...

    Tom Servo : Rents are reasonable!

    Exeter : Yet, still serving a useful purpose, I hope. Yes... a sun, warming the surface of some other world - giving light to those who may need it.

    Mike : "Still, your whole family died. That's a bummer, huh?"

  • Mike : Crow!

    Crow T. Robot : [stops swinging pick-axe]  Huh?

    Mike : Crow, listen, you've gotta stop!

    Crow T. Robot : Oh, hi, Mike! I've found the perfect spot. Once I've breached through this wall we'll tunnel our way right back to Earth. URG!

    [returns to swinging pick-axe] 

    Crow T. Robot : Crow, you big dope! You can't tunnel through space.

    Crow T. Robot : [British accent]  Come, come, boy. We must confound Gerry at every turn!

  • Crow T. Robot : Man, the universe is really cruisin'.

    Tom Servo : Hey, look, there's Taurus the bull.

    Mike : And right underneath him the constellation feces.

    Crow T. Robot : Hey, look, Orion's broke.

  • Crow T. Robot : Puppet wranglers? There weren't any puppets in this movie.

  • Crow T. Robot : Ugh! Who sneezed on the credits?

  • Dr. Forrester : I'm feeling particularly evil because today's experiment is a stinky cinematic suppository called "This Island Earth." You may all bow down before me after this stinkburger.

  • Crow T. Robot : They're forcing him to visit Branson, Missouri.

  • Cal Meecham : Check rate of radioactive decay.

    Crow T. Robot : Increase the Flash Gordon noise and put more science stuff around!

  • Crow T. Robot : He's flown into a Flemish painting.

  • [Dr. Forrester holds a photo of Mike Nelson] 

    Dr. Clayton Forrester : This is my test subject, Mike Nelson - a disgustingly mild-mannered dope who's managed to survive every film I've subjected him to. But, perhaps, this movie will drive him to the breaking point and crush his soul. And then I'll unleash it on an unwitting public, and then I will rule the world!

    [Laughs maniacally and spanks himself with the photo] 

    Dr. Clayton Forrester : Yes, I'm a naughty boy! Naughty! Naughty! Naughty!... Oh, ahem.

  • Crow T. Robot : [gazing at the stars]  I feel so insignificant... then again, I ALWAYS feel insignificant.

  • Crow T. Robot : C'mon! Give Uncle Scrotor a hug!

  • Crow T. Robot : [as ship descends into fantastic Metaluna landscape]  Looks like Dr. Seuss designed their planet!

    Tom Servo : Oh, they're flying into a Roger Dean album cover.

    Crow T. Robot : They're very into "Yes" on this planet.

    Tom Servo : Hee hee!

    Mike : International flights always get the gate furthest from the terminal.

    Tom Servo : Remember, we're parked in the "Denubrian Slime Devil" lot!

  • [one of the aliens is firing on the humans] 

    Crow T. Robot : Eat my photons, small heads!

  • Crow T. Robot : Shall I compare thee to a summers daaaaaaaa...

  • Crow T. Robot : You killed the Hubble!

  • Crow T. Robot : [as Cal beats a MutAnt in the head]  Oh, I'm very vulnerable there! Oh, there go the piano lessons! I can't remember my dad!

  • [Cal and Joe are looking in an interositer catalog] 

    Joe Wilson : Here's something my wife could use in the house...

    Crow T. Robot : A man?

    Joe Wilson : interositer incorporating an electron sorter.

    Cal Meecham : She'll probably gain twenty pounds while it does all the work for her.

    Tom Servo : Cal, you bitch!

  • Dr. Cal Meecham : This isn't paper. It's some kind of metal.

    Crow T. Robot : Uh, no, that's paper, sir.

  • Crow T. Robot : [in a scene where the brain creature enters a room looking all around]  Uh, is the manager here? Hello?

  • [deleted scene] 

    Tom Servo : Well, it was pretty much me, Mike, who saved you.

    Crow T. Robot : Servo, you cried like Oksana Baiul.

    Tom Servo : I never!

  • Dr. Forrester : Oh, who doesn't own an interositer these days?

  • Dr. Forrester : Hello, and welcome. I'm Dr. Clayton Forrester, and soon you will all bow down before me.

  • [Inside the environmental tubes] 

    Crow T. Robot : Wow this must be what its like inside a bong! Whehue!

  • Dr. Clayton Forrester : Say, come to think about it, I don't believe you bowed down before me recently.

    Mike : Sure we have - last week.

    Dr. Clayton Forrester : No, no, no, I think that was more of a curtsey than a bow. So why don't we all just bow down now?

    Mike : I don't see any reason to make us...

    [suddenly kneels, choking] 

    Crow T. Robot : [scared]  Bowing, sir!

    [Tom bows and prays to Dr. Forrester, speaking in tongues] 

  • Tom Servo : Oh, they're flying into a Roger Dean album cover.

    Crow T. Robot : They're very into Yes on this planet.

  • [after Mike damages the Hubble] 

    Crow T. Robot : Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!

    Tom Servo : Don't *do* that!

  • Crow T. Robot : [as Joe comes down the stairs]  This is a job for "Weenie man!"

  • Crow T. Robot : [as Ruth]  Oh, Carl.

    Tom Servo : [as Cal]  Er, Cal.

    Crow T. Robot : [as Ruth]  Oh, Cal.

  • Mike : Geez, Dr. Forrester!

    Crow T. Robot : What a dickweed!

  • Crow T. Robot : The secret government Eggo Project!

  • Crow T. Robot : Don't leave me with the Germans!

  • [as Brack watches the interositer] 

    Crow T. Robot : and now it's time for The Brack Show! Da da da-da-da DA! It's the Brack show! Staring me, I'm Brack!

  • Crow T. Robot : Oh, my god! My waffle! Oh the humanity!

  • Crow T. Robot : G.I. Joe action set. Nerdy Joe not included.

  • Crow T. Robot : I'm gonna curl up in his sock drawer, and sleep for days.

  • [as Joe is talking, Cal ruffels through his desk] 

    Crow T. Robot : Where's my gun?

  • Dr. Clayton Forrester : Wait help, auntie Em! Auntie Em! SUPRIIIIISE! Like who doesn't own an intirositor you collective heads of knuckle? Now get back in the theater you ninny-hammers! And remember, I know who you are, and I saw what you did. Now scat!

    [manically laughing] 

    Dr. Clayton Forrester : I'M THE GOD! I'M THE GOD!

  • Dr. Clayton Forrester : Prepare yourselves for my maddest madness yet!

  • Crow T. Robot , Mike , Tom Servo : NORMAL VIEW! NORMAL VIIEEEEW!

  • Crow T. Robot : [as a crewman pushes a lever]  This oughta kill them!

  • Dr. Cal Meecham : "Complete line of iterociter parts, incorporating greater advances than hitherto known in the field of electronics." What exactly is an iterociter?

    Joe Wilson : I don't know, and I don't want to know.

    Crow T. Robot : Just love me!

  • Crow T. Robot : [Bashing jauntily at the hull with a pickaxe, singing "It's a Long Way to Tipperary"]  Goodbye to Noah Beery, Hello Harold Lloyyyyd...

  • Crow T. Robot : [on the Mu-tant]  Nuts! It's Ted Kennedy in a Barney suit!

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs

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