Matilda: Daddy, you're a crook.
Harry Wormwood: What?
Matilda: This is illegal.
Harry Wormwood: [hands the car drill to Mikey, then walks to Matilda] You make money? Do you have a job?
Matilda: No, but don't people need good cars? Can't you sell good cars, Dad?
Harry Wormwood: Listen, you little wiseacre: I'm smart, you're dumb; I'm big, you're little; I'm right, you're wrong, and there's nothing you can do about it.
[asked to sign Matilda's adoption papers]
Zinnia Wormwood: You're the only daughter I ever had, Matilda. And I never understood you, not one little bit... Who's got a pen?
Agatha Trunchbull: I cannot for the life of me understand why small children take so long to grow up. I think they do it deliberately, just to annoy me.
Narrator: Everyone is born, but not everyone is born the same. Some will grow to be butchers, or bakers, or candlestick makers. Some will only be really good at making Jell-O salad. One way or another, though, every human being is unique, for better or for worse.
[Harry takes his first look at Matilda, grunts, and leaves]
Narrator: Most parents believe their children are the most beautiful creatures ever to grace the planet. Others take a less emotional approach.
[Harry and Zinnia are leaving the hospital with the baby]
Harry Wormwood: What a waste of time!
Zinnia Wormwood: And painful!
Harry Wormwood: And expensive, $9.25 for a bar of soap?
Zinnia Wormwood: Well I had to take a shower, Harry!
Harry Wormwood: $5,000? I'm not paying it. What're they going to do, repossess the kid?
Harry Wormwood: A book? What do you want a book for?
Matilda: To read.
Harry Wormwood: To read? Why would you want to read when you got the television set sitting right in front of you? There's nothing you can get from a book that you can't get from a television faster.
[after listing prices of cars bought and sold]
Harry Wormwood: What was my profit for the day?
Mikey: Could you repeat the last one?
Matilda: [interrupting] $10,265.
Matilda: Check it if you don't believe me.
Harry Wormwood: [he, Zinnia, and Mikey glance at the paper, then at Matilda] You're a little cheat, you saw the paper.
Matilda: From all the way over here?
Harry Wormwood: [suspicious] Are you being smart with me? If you're being smart with me, young lady, you're going to be punished.
Matilda: Punished for being smart?
Harry Wormwood: For being a smart aleck! When a person is bad, that person has to be taught a lesson!
Harry Wormwood: Get up, get up...
Narrator: Harry Wormwood had unintentionally given his daughter the first practical advice she could use. He had meant to say, "When a child is bad." Instead he said, "When a person is bad", and thereby introduced a revolutionary idea: that children could punish their parents. Only when they deserved it, of course.
Agatha Trunchbull: [pointing her riding crop at Amanda] Can you spell?
Amanda Thripp: Miss Honey taught us how to spell a long word yesterday. We can spell "difficulty".
Agatha Trunchbull: You couldn't spell "difficulty" if your life depended on it.
Amanda Thripp: She taught us with a poem.
Agatha Trunchbull: [mimicking Amanda with a high-pitched tone] A poem? How sweet. What poem would that be?
Amanda Thripp: Mrs. D, Mrs. I...
[everyone in the room except Miss Trunchbull and Miss Honey join in]
Amanda Thripp: [chanting with the rest of the class] Mrs. F-F-I. Mrs. C, Mrs. U, Mrs. L-T-Y!
Agatha Trunchbull: [strikes a desktop with her riding crop and all the children instantly face forward] WHY ARE ALL THESE WOMEN MARRIED?
[moves between the desks]
Agatha Trunchbull: Mrs. D? Mrs. I? You're supposed to be teaching SPELLING, not poetry!
[whacks the desk again with her riding crop]
Students: [reciting the words as Matilda magically writes them on the blackboard] Agatha, This is Magnus. Give my little bumblebee her house and her money. Then get out of town. If you don't, I will get you. I will get you like you got me. That is a promise.
Matilda: I love it here! I love my school... it isn't fair! Miss Honey, please don't let them...
Harry Wormwood: [interrupting] Get in the car, Melinda!
Harry Wormwood: Whatever.
Matilda: I want to stay with Miss Honey.
Zinnia Wormwood: Miss Honey doesn't want you. Why would she want some snotty, disobedient kid?
Jenny: Because she's a spectacularly wonderful child and I love her.
Matilda: Adopt me, Miss Honey! You can adopt me.
Harry Wormwood: Look, I don't have time for all these legalities!
Matilda: One second, Dad. I have the adoption papers.
Zinnia Wormwood: What? Where did you get those?
Matilda: From a book in the library. I've had them since I was big enough to Xerox.
Matilda: Why don't you run away?
Jenny: I've often thought about it, but... I can't abandon my children. And if I couldn't teach, I'd have nothing at all.
Matilda: You're very brave, Miss Honey.
Jenny: Not as brave as you.
Matilda: I thought grown-ups weren't afraid of anything.
Jenny: Quite the contrary. All grown-ups get scared, just like children.
Matilda: I wonder what Miss Trunchbull is afraid of.
Agatha Trunchbull: I need a car, inexpensive but reliable. Can you service me?
Harry Wormwood: In a manner of speaking, yes. Uh, welcome to Wormwood Motors. Harry Wormwood, owner, founder, whatever.
Agatha Trunchbull: Agatha Trunchbull, principal, Crunchem Hall Elementary School.
Harry Wormwood: Huh.
Agatha Trunchbull: I warn you, sir, I want a tight car, because I run a tight ship.
Harry Wormwood: Oh yeah, huh, well, uh...
Agatha Trunchbull: My school is a model of discipline! Use the rod, beat the child, that's my motto.
Harry Wormwood: Terrific motto!
Agatha Trunchbull: You have brats yourself?
Harry Wormwood: Yeah, I got a boy, Mikey, and one mis-*take*, Matilda.
Agatha Trunchbull: They're all mistakes, children! Filthy, nasty things. Glad I never was one.
Agatha Trunchbull: This boy, Bruce Bogtrotter, is none other than a vicious sneak thief! You're a disgusting criminal, aren't you?
Bruce 'Little Brucey: I don't know what you're talking about.
Agatha Trunchbull: Cake. CHOCOLATE cake. You slithered like a serpent into the school kitchen and ate MY PERSONAL SNACK!
[cracks the riding crop on the table]
Agatha Trunchbull: Do you deny it?
[Bruce is silent]
Agatha Trunchbull: Confess!
Bruce 'Little Brucey: Well it's hard for me to remember a specific cake.
Agatha Trunchbull: This one was mine. And it was the most scrumptious cake in the entire world.
Bruce 'Little Brucey: My mom's is better.
[all the children gasp]
Agatha Trunchbull: It is, is it? How can you be sure unless you have another PIECE?
Zinnia Wormwood: Look, Miss Snit, a girl does not get anywhere by acting intelligent! I mean, take a look at you and me. You chose books - I chose looks. I have a nice house, a wonderful husband... and you are slaving away teaching snot-nosed children their ABCs. You want Matilda to go to college? Ha, ha, ha, ha...
Harry Wormwood: College?
Harry Wormwood: I didn't go to college. I don't know anybody who did. Bunch of hippies and cesspool salesmen, ha ha ha ha...
Jenny: [insulted] Don't sneer at educated people, Mr. Wormwood. If you became ill, heaven forbid, your doctor would be a college graduate.
Harry Wormwood: Yeah...
Jenny: Or - or say you were sued for selling a faulty car. The lawyer who defended you would have gone to college, too.
Harry Wormwood: What car? Sued by who? Who you been talking to?
Jenny: I can see we're not going to agree, are we?
Harry Wormwood: Any packages come today?
Harry Wormwood: [noticing her books] Where'd all this come from?
Matilda: The library.
Harry Wormwood: The library? You've never set foot in a library. You're only four years old.
Harry Wormwood: You're four!
Harry Wormwood: If you were six-and-a-half, you'd be in school already.
Matilda: I want to be in school. I told you I was supposed to start school in September. You wouldn't listen.
Harry Wormwood: Get up, get up, get out of here, give me that book.
[He drags Matilda, throwing the book aside, to where Zinnia is]
Harry Wormwood: Dearest pie, how old is Matilda?
Zinnia Wormwood: Four.
Matilda: I'm six-and-a-half, mommy!
Zinnia Wormwood: Five, then!
Matilda: I was six in August.
Harry Wormwood: You're a liar.
Matilda: I want to go to school.
Harry Wormwood: School? It's out of the question. Who would be here to sign for the packages? We can't leave valuable packages sitting out on the doorstep. Now go watch TV like a good kid.
Zinnia Wormwood: You know, sometimes I think there's something wrong with that girl.
Harry Wormwood: Hmph, tell me about it.
Matilda: This is the cottage from your story!
Matilda: The young woman is you!
Matilda: But then... No.
Jenny: Yes. Aunt Trunchbull.
Agatha Trunchbull: You filthy ahh, crush the little weasel!
Agatha Trunchbull: [On the phone] Wormwood! You useless, used-car-salesman scum! I want you around here now with another car! Yes, I know what caveat emptor means, you low life liar! I'm gonna sue you. I'm gonna burn down your showroom! I'm gonna take that no-good jalopy you sold me and shove it up your bazooga! When I'm finished with you, you're gonna look like roadkill!
Harry Wormwood: [to Michael, who is choking on a carrot Matilida shot at his mouth with her powers] Chew your food; you're an animal!
Jenny: [sees a painting of Ms. Trunchbull] Oh my. My father's portrait used to hang there.
Matilda: Whoever painted The Trunchbull must have had a strong stomach. A really strong stomach.
Agatha Trunchbull: [speaking to Matilda about her and her father] You're a liar and a scoundrel, and your father's a liar and a cheat, one of the most corrupt lowlifes in the history of civilization! Am I wrong? I'm never wrong!
Matilda: [to the FBI agents, as they rummage through her parents' garage looking for car parts] You two men are going to be in a lot of trouble very soon.
FBI Agent Bill: [to his partner] It's the female minor.
FBI Agent Bob: Aren't you supposed to be in school, young lady?
Matilda: I really hope you have a search warrant. According to a constitutional law book that I read in the library, if you don't have one, you could lose your job or even go to federal prison.
FBI Agent Bob: It's your father who's going to federal prison. And you know where you'll end up?
FBI Agent Bill: In a federal orphanage.
FBI Agent Bob: If you cooperate, we'll make sure it's a nice orphanage.
FBI Agent Bill: The kind with food... and teeny-weeny cockroaches.
FBI Agent Bob: What do you say?
Matilda: There's another crime in the making, your car is about to run a stop sign.
Agatha Trunchbull: [accusing Matilda of putting a newt in her drinking water] You didn't like the chokey, did you? Thought you'd pay me back, didn't you? Well, I'll pay you back, young lady.
Matilda: For what, Miss Trunchbull?
Agatha Trunchbull: For this newt, you piss-worm!
Matilda: I'm telling you, I didn't do it!
Agatha Trunchbull: Besides, even if you didn't do it, I'm going to punish you, because I'm big and you're small, I'm right and you're wrong, and there's nothing you can do about it!
Agatha Trunchbull: I like a joke as well as the next fat person!
[Miss Trunchbull has accused Matilda of going into her house]
Jenny: Miss Trunchbull, I was the one who was at your house last night, and I think...
Agatha Trunchbull: [grabbing and clenching Miss Honey's wrist very tightly in her fist] I broke your arm once before; I can do it again, Jenny.
Jenny: [suddenly mad, she briskly releases her arm from Miss Trunchbull's grip with her free hand] I am *not* seven years old anymore, Aunt Trunchbull!
[the class gasps]
Agatha Trunchbull: Shut your mouths!
Zinnia Wormwood: [Matilda comes home from school, excitedly. Zinnia's on the phone, talking about her kids] Mine are driving me crazy. I'll tell ya, six hours a day of school IS NOT enough.
Matilda: [walking out of the room excitedly] I'll say!
Agatha Trunchbull: Useless, flamin' car! Wormwood! Sell me a lemon? You're heading for the chokey, young lady!
Agatha Trunchbull: Teach you a lesson!
Matilda: What lesson?
Agatha Trunchbull: You and your father think you can make a fool out of me!
Matilda: My father?
Agatha Trunchbull: The guy with the stupid haircut!
Matilda: I'm nothing like my father.
Agatha Trunchbull: You're the spitting image. The apple never rots far from the tree!
Harry Wormwood: Are you in this family?
Harry Wormwood: Hello?
Harry Wormwood: Are you in this family?
[switches the lamp off]
Harry Wormwood: Dinner time is family time. What is this trash you're reading?
Matilda: It's not trash, Daddy, it's lovely. It's called "Moby Dick", by Herman Melville.
Harry Wormwood: Moby *what*?
[snatching the book from Matilda and tears the pages out of the cover]
Harry Wormwood: This is Filth! Trash...!
Matilda: It's not mine! It's a library book!
Harry Wormwood: I'm fed up with all this reading! You're a Wormwood, you start acting like one! Now sit up and look at the TV.
Harry Wormwood: What do you want?
Matilda: Yell at me, okay?
Harry Wormwood: SHUT UP AND LEAVE US ALONE!
Matilda: Yell at me again!
Harry Wormwood: [in a rage] Yell at ya?
[storming towards her]
Harry Wormwood: I'll come in there and pound your miserable hide! What do I have to do to gain respect around here? I'm gonna give you a tanning like you never had in your life! My word is my law!
[Matilda uses her powers to slam her bedroom door in Harry's face just as he reaches it]
Harry Wormwood: [Matilda arrives home from school late at night after Bruce Bogtrotter's encounter with the Trunchbull] Young lady, where were you?
Matilda: Miss Trunchbull kept the whole school late because this boy ate some chocolate cake.
Harry Wormwood: That's the biggest lie I've ever heard. Did you see all those packages outside? They were left out there for the whole world to see because you weren't here to take 'em in!
Matilda: [after Matilda destroys the Wormwoods' TV with her powers] I didn't do it.
Harry Wormwood: Of course you didn't do it, you little twit.
Agatha Trunchbull: Amanda Thripp!
Amanda Thripp: Yes, Miss Trunchbull?
Agatha Trunchbull: What are those?
Amanda Thripp: What's what, Ms. Trunchbull?
Agatha Trunchbull: Hanging down by your ears.
Amanda Thripp: You mean my pigtails?
Agatha Trunchbull: Are you a pig, Amanda?
Amanda Thripp: *No*, Ms. Trunchbull.
Agatha Trunchbull: Do I allow pigs in my school?
Amanda Thripp: My mommy thinks they're sweet.
Agatha Trunchbull: [bends down] Your mommy... is a TWIT!
Written by Trunchbull on the blackboard: If you are having fun, you are not learning.
Million $ Sticky Host: For those idiots out there who don't know how to play, here's how it goes. For each correct answer, they'll move one step closer to our Cube of Cash. Once in our Cube of Cash, any money that sticks to your gooey body, you get to take home!
Agatha Trunchbull: The distance the shotput goes, depends upon the effort that you PUT INTO IT. PERSPERATION! If you can't handle the little brat, I'LL LOCK HER IN THE CHOKEY!
[she lunges the ball at the door, ultimately puncturing it immensely]
Agatha Trunchbull: Get it?
Jenny: [nods] Yes, ma'am.
Agatha Trunchbull: One day Jen, you'll see that everything I do is for your own good. And for the good of those - PUTRESCENT LITTLE CHILDREN!
[she shoves Jenny out of her office and slams the door after her]
Zinnia Wormwood: [cutting off Harry's hat with scissors] I still don't see how you glued your hat on, Harry. I mean, I know you say you didn't, but obviously, you did.
Harry Wormwood: I did *not* glue my hat to my head! The hat shrunk! The fibers fused to my hair!
Jenny: Matilda, you promised me you wouldn't go back in that house again.
Matilda: I didn't, I was on the garage roof.
Matilda: I did it with my powers.
Agatha Trunchbull: I have never been able to understand why small children are so disgusting. They're the bane of my life. They're like insects: they should be got rid of as early as possible.
[makes spraying gesture]
Agatha Trunchbull: Psst! My idea of a perfect school is one in which there are no children... at all. Wouldn't you agree, Miss Honey?
[Miss Honey briefly nods yes as she leaves to rescue Matilda from the Chokey]
Harry Wormwood: [appalled at Zinnia talking with FBI agents Bill and Bob] What is this, a hot tub party? Get the hell outta here! I slave all day, and you're entertaining a couple of surfer dude bodybuilders!
Matilda: [off to the side] They're cops, Dad.
Harry Wormwood: From now on, this family does *exactly* what I say, when exactly, when I say it!
[turns off his lamp]
Harry Wormwood: And right now, we are eating dinner and watching TV!
Agatha Trunchbull: [Jenny knocks on Ms. Trunchbull's door] Come in, come in, whoever you are.
[Jenny enters Ms. Trunchbull's office and almost get struck by a dart]
[Harry has ordered out of the house the FBI agents, whom Zinnia had just been talking to]
Zinnia Wormwood: You don't let me talk to people! I live in a cage, Harry! I need to talk to SOMEBODY besides our stupid kids!
Harry Wormwood: Oh, yeah? Well, a man is entitled to come home and find dinner on the table, without having to wait for a convention of male strippers!
Agatha Trunchbull: [Talking about the cake] Smells chocolatey, eh? Now, eat it.
Bruce 'Little Brucey: I don't want any, thank you.
Agatha Trunchbull: EAT IT!
Agatha Trunchbull: You wanted cake, you got cake! Now EAT IT!
Matilda: We'll wait until she's gone, then we'll go get your doll.
Matilda: Just kidding.
Narrator: Dirty dealings, like buying stolen car parts, never stay secret for long, especially when the FBI gets involved.
FBI Agent Bob: [into recorder] 9:17, suspect exits domicile.
FBI Agent Bill: I've got 9:18.
FBI Agent Bob: [into recorder] 9:17 is correct.
Harry Wormwood: Since you're an educator, I'll make you a deal.
Agatha Trunchbull: You'd better.
Harry Wormwood: Let's do business.
[the Trunchbull's car, sold to her by Harry Wormwood, has broken down, forcing her to haul it all the way back to her house]
Agatha Trunchbull: [yells] Aaaargh! Crush that little weasel!
Agatha Trunchbull: [her car has broken down] Come on, move you piece of junkyard fodder! Shift you...!
Agatha Trunchbull: [wielding a hammer throw] Some rats are gonna die today.
Mikey: [throwing marshmallows as Matilda was grabbing the book that was thrown] Hey, Dipface. Have a marshmallow. Have another marshmallow, Dipface. Dipface!
Mikey: Hey, Dipface. Where are you going?
Mikey: Hey, Dipface. Have carrot.
[throws carrot from the spoon. Matilda turns around and carrot is facing her. With powers, the carrot flies into his mouth. She laughs. Mikey chokes the carrot]
Harry Wormwood: Chew your food; you're an animal!