Black Sheep (1996)
[phoning citizens in an attempt to secure votes]
Mike: Hi there, this is Mike Donnelly. I work over here at the recreational center. To be honest with you, I pretty much run the place ha, ha, ha. Is this ah Pat Gyles? Good, Good. Hey, hope everything's going great in your fine town of... er... Avery? Edward! Ha, ha, ha. Say, the reason I'm calling is I wanted to tell you a little bit about the candidacy of Al Donnelly. Al Donnelly's a guy with a dream. His dream is to become governor of this great state of Washington. Hell, every guy's got his dream, am I right? Between you, me, and the wall here, I had a doozy myself last night. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Get this: A corn-fed harvest mouse, a hooker, a nun, a Flemish peasant woman, whips, chains, whistles yo-yo's, a circus midget. My grandmother riding by on a bicycle gives me the finger, and a duck! Now, I don't know ha, ha, ha. Are you crying? Oh my lord. I am sorry honey, please don't! Could you get your daddy on the phone. No, don't hang up please I...
[phone hangs up]
[Mike is pretending to be a cop, Steve is pretending to be a prisoner]
Steve: Ro-ads. Ro-ods.
Mike: Quiet back there! I've taken enough guff from you for one day!
[turns to state trooper]
Mike: Raving psycho! Butchered 400 chickens and screwed a beagle. I'm taking him back to Nevada where he's wanted for banging horses!
Mike: [on stage making a fool of himself] That's one small step for man! One giant... I have a dream!
Mike: [dressed as security guard] Please move away from this vector and get into another coordinate pronto. There's no access for you in this quadrant.
Teen: Man, why don't you goose-step on down to the women and children over there and give them your little power trip, because they may be impressed by it, asshole!
Mike: Young man, I'm gonna twist off your head and spike it onto the floors of a nightmare you can't even imagine! I will dance with you inside the six-sided ring of fire, unless you move from this area, far and fast, NOW!
Mike: Man! This place is trashed!
Steve: Check this out! This whole fridge is held up here just by this plug!
[unplugs the fridge, letting it slide toward Mike, pinning him against the wall]
Steve: You OK?
Mike: I'm just dandy! I got a bowl of chocolate pudding in my underpants!
Steve: We didn't have any pudding in there, buddy.
Drake: I'm not far from dragging you out of the car and beating you to dust.
Steve: You should work up to that, kinda leaves you nowhere to go.
Governor Tracy: Now you'll have to tell me your name so I know who to make the check out to.
Clyde: My best friends call me Cash.
[Steve comes back sprayed with a fire extinguisher]
Mike: Whoa, what happened to you? Did you fall into some mud or something?
Steve: Yeah, I did. And now I'm gonna be famous because I'm the only one in the world who knows where you can find *white* mud.
Mike: We've all been screwed by Governor Tracy, and now, I'm going to screw her!
Drake: I could go over to your mama's, and light a small fire in her panties!
Steve: This is great I never win at checkers.
Mike: Well, it's kinda easy to win when you NEVER MOVE YOUR BACK ROW!
Mike: [after a terrifying experience of the refrigerator almost crushing him] I'm just dandy, I got a bowl of chocolate pudding in my underpants.
Steve: We didn't have any pudding in there buddy.
[the roof has blown off the house and it begins to hail all over Mike who is in the top bunk]
Steve: Hey Mike, 'I got dibs on top' Ha ha.
Mike: Shut up!
Steve: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Mike: Why don't you shut up?
Steve: Heh heh, 'Hello Washington'. Ha ha ha.
Mike: SHUT UP!
Mike: What the hell was that?
Steve: A chunk in the road or something.
Mike: I just chunked in my pants.
Motorcycle Cop: Could you take him through here a little faster than seven miles per hour, Officer...
Mike: Meoff, Jack.
[turns to Steve and mouths "Jack Meoff"]
Mike: [cheering on Rock the Vote Crowd] Yea! Kill whitey!
[crowd goes silent]
Rastafarian: No! No! No!
Harold: [as he and "Mother" drive off with Mike's tie caught in their trunk, pulling Mike along] He must be all hopped up on Crack Cocaine.
Governor Tracy: [Mike has just given evidence that Governor Tracy's campaign has committed voter fraud] Now hold on young man, there is a good explanation for all of this. Neuschwander?
Neuschwander: Actually, there is a very good explanation for this.
Neuschwander: She put us up to it.
Governor Tracy: [hushed] Would you shut up?
Neuschwander: It's all her!
Governor Tracy: [hushed] Shut up!
Neuschwander: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Motorcycle Cop: [Steve and Mike are high on nitrous oxide and have been pulled over] Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?
Mike: [Acting casual] Sixty? Sixty five tops?
Motorcycle Cop: *Seven!*
Motorcycle Cop: Seven miles an hour.
Motorcycle Cop: And normally, when I stop people, they pull on the shoulder!
[Mike is shown to have stopped and pulled over onto the center line]
Mike: [on stage making a fool of himself] Voting kicks ass right! Cause, uh, if voting kicks ass, you got some kick ass shit!
Steve: [on Drake Sabitch] This guy is like Leatherface, Chucky and Jan Brady all rolled into one.
Governor Tracy: Neushwender are you finished stirring that drink or is this some kind of fucking science experiment?
[seeing his brother acting like an idiot on stage]
Al: Oh God, I'm a dead man.
Mike: Boy, I could sure use some cupcakes or peanut butter cups right now.
Mike: [holding onto a small plant on a steep hill] Oh, thank you, little roots! Please stay strong!
Steve: [completely wasted on the nitrous oxide] ... But, this map is heavy... It's got all of those... robes on it. Robes? Rogues?
Mike: [also stoned; giggling] Roads!
Mike: [suddenly stops laughing] I'm stoned... so are you!
[looks in the backseat]
Mike: Dammit! The nitrous oxide's leaking into the car! OK, calm down... we just gotta keep under the speed limit... limit...
[starts giggling again]
Mike: Limit! Haha, that's another one of those freaky words!
Governor Tracy: I have heard the voice of the voters and the voters said...
[Mike is screaming for help while hoisting by his underwear on a satellite dish]
Governor Tracy: ...Holy Shit?
Al Donnelly: [as Mike sees his brother and Steve off in their plane] So long, little brother.
Mike Donnelly: Okay, see you, Al. So this is it, huh, Steve?
Steve Dodds: I guess I'm gonna miss you. I'm not gonna miss a 9mm to my head, but... What were you thinking?
Mike Donnelly: I don't know. All right, you guys. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
[as they board, Mike closes the door and waves goodbye, but his coat is caught in the door, and the planes starts to drag him]
Mike Donnelly: Oh, my God! No! No! Please don't take off! Please! Al! Al! No, no! NOOOOOOOOOOO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL!
[the planes takes off, and Mike flies along for the ride]
Steve: [Steve is going to flip off the old lady, and starts out by acting like he's digging around in his pocket looking for it] Hang on, I got a little present for ya.
Old lady: [Looks at his hand] What'cha doing? Playing Pocket Pool?
Old lady: Got a little *chubby* going on there!
Old lady: Dream on, you little fart.