- Armand: You do an eclectic celebration of the dance! You do Fosse, Fosse, Fosse! You do Martha Graham, Martha Graham, Martha Graham! Or Twyla, Twyla, Twyla! Or Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd! Or Madonna, Madonna, Madonna!... but you keep it all inside.
- Albert Goldman: Whatever I am, he made me! I was adorable once, young and full of hope. And now look at me! I'm this short, fat, insecure, middle-aged THING!
- Armand: I made you short?
- Albert: [discussing abortion] Oh, I know what you're going to say. "If you kill the mother, the fetus dies, too." But the fetus is going to be aborted anyway, so why not let it go down with the ship?
- Armand: Yes, I wear foundation. Yes, I live with a man. Yes, I'm a middle- aged fag. But I know who I am, Val. It took me twenty years to get here, and I'm not gonna let some idiot senator destroy that. Fuck the senator, I don't give a damn what he thinks.
- Armand: My cemetery's in Key Biscayne. It's one of the prettiest in the world. The sky is blue, palm trees, rolling hills. The one is Los Copa's really shit.
- [sigh]
- Armand: What a pain in the ass you are. And it's true: you're not young, you're not new, and you do make people laugh. And me? I'm still with you because you make me laugh. So you know what I got to do? I got to sell my plot in Key Biscayne so I can get one next to you in that shithole Los Copa, so I never miss a laugh.
- Albert: You know, I used to feel that way too until I found out that Alexander the Great was a fag. Talk about gays in the military!
- Agador: Senator, another shot for you?
- Senator Kevin Keeley: I don't really drink...
- Agador: Yeah, but now's the time to pretend!
- Armand: A woman is said to be worth her weight in hens. And a man's wealth is measured by the size of his cock.
- Katherine: You were so terrified, it was so sweet.
- Armand: I thought I was gonna have a heart attack. I mean, I walk in the door and there's a woman in my bed!
- Katherine: I paid the doorman twenty dollars - twenty dollars, in those days!
- Armand: Oh, God. And I thought, "what the hell, let's try it once with a woman and see what those straight guys are raving about."
- Senator Kevin Keeley: [in drag] No one will dance with me. I think it's this dress. I told them white would make me look fat.
- Barbara Keeley: [in female drag] What about me? I'm just as pretty as the rest of these guys!
- Albert: Oh yes... Coldeman. The "d" is silent in America. It's Cole D'Isle au Man, or Cole of the Isle of Man, in France, where Armand's chateau is, Cold-e-man in Greece where Armand's work is, and finally the vulgar Coleman in Florida where Armand's home is, so actually, we don't know where we are until we hear our last name pronounced! Ahahahahahahaaaaa!
- Albert Goldman: "You look tired" means "you look old." And "you look rested" means "you've had collagen."
- Senator Kevin Keeley: Louise, I'm the Vice President of the Coalition for Moral Order! My co-founder has just died in the bed of an underage black whore!
- Albert: Oh yes, another jibe, another joke at my expense. You were probably laughing at me with Katherine, too. Well, why not? I'm not young, I'm not new, and everyone laughs at me. I'm quite aware of how ridiculous I am. I've been thinking that the only solution is to go where no one is ridiculous and everyone is equal. Goodbye, Armand.
- Albert: Could you tell them I was a relative who dropped in? Val's Uncle? Uncle Al?
- Armand: What's the point? You'd be Val's gay Uncle Al.
- Albert: Oh, I could play it straight!
- Armand: Oh please, look at you! Look at the way you're holding your glass! Look at your pinky! Look at your posture!
- Albert: What? What about you? You're obviously not a cultural... whatever it is. You've never been to a museum, and you eat like a pig!
- Armand: Albert, these people are right-wing conservatists. They don't care if you're a pig, they just care if you're a fag!... Ah, fuck 'em! Of course you can pass as an uncle!
- Armand: What we really need is a woman. We can get away with Albert as an uncle if we had a woman as a mother. Ironic, isn't it? When you need a woman...
- Albert: Oh Vallie, this is such a shock. I'm not saying anything, I promised your father, Mmm-mmm. But you're only twenty, and if you throw yourself away on some dormitory slut you'll be sorry for the rest of your life. There, enough said, no more, subject closed.
- Senator Kevin Keeley: [in drag] Meet me in 20 minutes at the corner of El Dorado and Palm.
- Keeley's Chauffeur: Lady, not for a million dollars.
- Louise Keeley: Who is this boy, Barbie? When was the last time you saw him?
- Barbara Keeley: Please don't call me Barbie. This afternoon at two o'clock. We've been sleeping together for a year.
- Senator Kevin Keeley: Oh God, has he been tested?
- Louise Keeley: Oh, Kevin!
- Barbara Keeley: Yes, and so have I.
- [Louise screams]
- Albert: [Armand has entered from the kitchen to hear Albert finishing a story] ... and so they decided to find a cemetery they *really* loved instead of eating tofu!
- Albert: My mother always said, "Live on Fisher Island, get buried in Palm Beach. That way, you'll have the best of Florida."
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