Suddenly Susan (1996–2000)
Susan: Maddy, we are all here to talk to you about what's been going on lately.
Maddy: Okay, what's been going on lately?
Vicki: Don't play dumb with us you lush, we're here about the booze!
Luis: Susan, where's your paper punch?
Susan: Why don't you ask Vicki, she's been helping herself to a lot of my things lately.
Vicki: Tell the paranoid tall girl I didn't take her paper punch. It threw itself at me.
Mrs Fong: There's a rumor going around the building that you're having a costume party.
Susan: Mrs Fong, how can there be a rumor going around the building when it's just you and I that live here?
Mrs Fong: Okay, let me rephrase that. I put this against the door and heard you on the phone.
Jack: Hey, there's your man To-ny. Why don't you go say hi?
Susan: Hey handsome.
Tony: Will you give it up? I didn't want you last night. I don't want you today. And I wouldn't want you if we were two horny teenagers stranded on a desert island!
Susan: Vicki, have you seen my car keys?
Vicki: No and you don't need to look in your purse or your jacket either.
[Susan glares at her]
Vicki: I needed a mint!
Susan: [sarcastic] Well I hope you found one.
Vicki: No, but at least you had enough money to buy some.
Maddy: Are you aware that we are out of legal sized writing pads? We only have letter sized! I can't work like this!
Todd: I came in here wearing a brand new pair of size ten sneakers. I'm not leaving in some green European freak boots.
Girl in audience: So, do you need a college degree to work in a magazine?
Vicki: No, not if you're sleeping with the boss.
Susan: Excuse me!
Luis: No, don't excuse it Vicki.
Jack: Oh, shut up Luis.
Luis: No, you shut up.
Jack: You shut up.
Vicki: [to Jack] You shut up.
Todd: [to Vicki] You shut up!
Vicki: [to Todd] I'm on your side!
Boy in audience: yeah, I'm confused... which one of you is sleeping with the boss?
Susan: Of course I want to have kids. Everyone does.
Oliver: No, no, not everyone...
Susan: Well, normal people! Normal people who haven't run off and gotten themselves neutered!
Susan: I was over Jack way before he was over me and now he's moving on first? It's wrong, it's just wrong!
Maddy: I'll tell you what's wrong. Your lips are moving and sounds coming out.
Miranda: [packing up her nativity scene] Goodbye baby Jesus. Goodbye Mary. Goodbye football player. Hey! Who put a football player in my nativity scene?
Nate: That was me. Sorry, I accidentally broke one of your wise men.
Miranda: You broke my wise man and replaced him with an action figure?
Nate: Hey, that's Torell Davis!
Miranda: That's Torell Davis? You better move over baby Jesus!
Todd: I don't want to sit at this desk for the rest of my life trashing bands! I want some other bitter wannabe trashing me!
Susan: We don't need men to have a good time. We need men to take their clothes off!
Ian: [singing] Vicki she's a laugh, she's a cut above the staff, she writes a column like a two bit hack. I suggest a new career, perhaps a job in Sears, but she earn more money lying on her back!
Ian, Nate, Miranda and Luis: [in unison] On her back!
Vicki: Fine! I think I can get my own dry cleaning Polly! I don't need your help!
Luis: Yeah! We're better people 'cause we butter our own bagels.
Todd: [Found out Maddy and Luis are sleeping together] Maddy? Was the antichrist unavailable?
Hollywood Hogan: You know it's people like you that sit around whining about what's wrong with the world that annoy me. Well, I don't whine sister, I kick ass, so what do you think about that?
Susan: I'll tell you what I think about that, I'm gonna bury you.
Hollywood Hogan: What does that mean?
Susan: It means that I'm gonna run against you as supervisor and I'm gonna kick your ass!
Oliver: Why did you say you agreed if you weren't going to listen to what I said?
Susan: Because usually, you think what I think. That's what couples do. That's what we did. Until you invited half of San Francisco for six pieces of fish!
Oliver: You didn't even know this guy. He could have been an axe murderer or anything.
Susan: No, I asked him first!
Zack Hayward: God, that moon is huge.
Susan: You can see the moon through the fog?
Zack Hayward: No, I'm talking about the guy flashing me from across the street.
Luis: Now let's not forget who's fault this really is. Damn you Oliver Browne! And the Range Rover you drove up in. Why don't you take some more beautiful pictures, ruin some more lives!
Maddy: Oh, come on Luis! We live in a universe with certain natural laws. The earth revolves around the sun. Red Sox never win the series and I always reject you!
Ian: For the benefit of Miss Keane, what are we selling here?
Ian: And who are we selling it to?
Ian: And why are we selling it?
Nate: 'Cause men like sex!
Susan: Wow, apologizing really makes me hungry, can I have some of this bacon?
Susan: Mmm, this is great. Who orders chocolate pudding and bacon?
Vicki: I ordered the pudding. The bacon was here when I sat down.
Susan: Oh come on, don't you just love this song?
Geoffrey: [screams] Turn that crap down!
Susan: Pull your pants up!
Vicki: Hmm... a whole bagel when you usually scoop out the middle. Coffee, when you normally drink tea. This only adds up to one thing, you're having sex!
Rachel Fismann: Would you like a pig in a blanket? It's a tiny wiener with a little dough, just like my first husband.
[Jack must choose between taking Susan on a date and going to a game]
Jack: Let's see...
[takes out a coin]
Susan: You flip that coin, I'll kick your ass.
Susan: Hey, I don't need Oliver. There are a lot of gorgeous guys in San Francisco.
Vicki: Yeah, but they're all dating each other!
Claire: Careful honey, I'm all done up! Remember, smudges and smears give mommy tears!
Susan: I'm Susan Keane-Champion of the poor, the young, the elderly, the small business owners, the vegetarians, the meat eaters alike! All the people of this great city and I'm here to tell you that NOBODY KICKS MY ASS!
Susan: It's career day at my old junior high. You're more than welcome to come.
Maddy: Mmmmm... No thanks, I already have a career.
Vicki: Yeah... office hag!
Maddy: Vicki, I could responds to your childish remark by mentioning that your hair would embarrass a troll doll but I'm not going to sink to your level.
Maddy: Get a hat!
Pete Mulligan Fontaine: Ok people, your *male* is here. So are your letters and packages.
Susan: I'm just a little concerned with what seems to be your growing obsession with my Nana.
Vicki: That's ridiculous! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to run down to Market Street. Helen should be on the number 20 bus and I want to be there to wave as she goes by.
Susan: Sure, it's all fun and games until somebody needs a restraining order!
Todd: Apparently me getting stung by a bee and almost dying isn't newsworthy.
Maddy: No, but the fact that you're able to read at all certainly is.
Todd: Ok, if you are going to stay here, let's get some ground rules straight. No parties, no drugs, no surprise guests. I don't want the narcs kicking in the door like they did at my 6th birthday party!
Todd: When are you going to grow up? I don't want the twins keeping their money in a piggy bong the way that I did!
Susan: Woah! I think I'm gonna need a coffee so I can deal with that jacket.
Vicki: Sure. I'll just get your hurtful bitch mug.
Nate: Vicki, you seem upset, is there something wrong?
Vicki: Yeah, you! You're cheap, you eat the tops off the muffins, you stink up the place and you're ugly!
[after Jack try's singing "Jingle Bells" for the Christmas Party at the hospital]
Vicki: This just in from my ears: "OUCH!"