Judge Judy (1996– )
Judge Judy: Don't spit on my cupcake and tell me it's frosting.
Judge Judy: Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining.
Judge Judy: I'm speaking. When my mouth moves, yours stops.
Judge Judy: These children are entitled to at least one parent to set a good example. Grownups take care of their children, they don't just provide them with food, they provide them with a moral compass. They try not to teach them to become brawling animals in parking lots, hitting each other with 2X4's, scratching each others' eyes out. Human beings don't do that to each other. You don't belong at a club at 12 a.m., you belong HOME! Reading them stories from a BOOK!
Judge Judy: ...I would trust your witness much more if he didn't have holes in his jeans.
Judge Judy: ...I am not going to ask you to leave. But, the next time you come into my courtroom, dress more appropriately. You are not going to a beach party.
Judge Judy: You know how I can tell if a 17-year-old girl is lying? When her mouth moves.
Judge Judy: You have to speak slowly and PROJECT what you are saying!
Judge Judy: People who are single and living together shouldn't rent for a higher monthly rate than either of them could pay alone. Now I know I'm probably going to lose about 40% of my cases if I say this, but I'm willing to make that sacrifice for the common good. If only enough folks got that through their heads! Then you wouldn't have two people who are homeless, with their credit in the toilet. THEN they could part ways without all that fuss and aggravation!
Judge Judy: Don't try to teach a pig to sing. It doesn't work and it annoys the pig.
Judge Judy: ...Take your hands off your hips and stand up straight, like you're in court... Uncross your arms. You are not at the beach... Hey, stop swaying! It's making me nauseous.
Judge Judy: I don't care how the Word of God applies here. This is a courtroom, not a church, so don't preach to me.
Judge Judy: When you can't look at me in the eye and tell me the story, that means you're lying.
Judge Judy: Your counterclaim for your stress is dismissed. That's because the only one who is stressed around here, so far, is me.
Judge Judy: What do I know about football? Two things: it interferes with Sundays; and the players don't run around bases.
Judge Judy: [mimicking a litigant] "... She ran out of my house and slammed the door, breaking a window. I was extremely upset, so I grabbed a rock and tossed it gently at her car."
Judge Judy: [to a plaintiff] ... My own children have taken my cars and had accidents. Once, one of my sons went over an embankment into a ditch; then he told me that the earth opened up because of severe rain, that such was how the car slid down the roadside. Needless to say, that story didn't work; but I didn't SUE him, either.
Plaintiff: The police said get in by any means necessary.
Judge Judy: I don't believe it! That never happens!
Judge Judy: Judge Judy: Instead of going to the police, why didn't she take the couch and television and put in on a truck and take it to his house?
Defendant: I will tell you why
Judge Judy: Why?
Defendant: It is too big, you can't even get it out of the door of the condo... the couch and the television.
Judge Judy: Madam, did they build the condo around the couch and the television?
Judge Judy: [to a male litigant, who's been pitted against a female litigant] ... Personally, I don't find you as attractive as she did; so I suggest you *shut up*!
Judge Judy: [to a litigant who waved for her attention] ... Believe me, you are NOT that eager for me to embarrass you.
Judge Judy: You, sir, are a low-life, amoral piece of crap!
Judge Judy: Is the word stupid written across my forehead?
Judge Judy: Women do stupid things when they're in love. That's why I've been in business for twelve years.
Plaintiff: [Describing an altercation with a traffic cop] He wasn't listening to what I had to say...
Judge Judy: He doesn't have to listen to you! If you want someone to listen to you, you should go to a psychiatrist!
Judge Judy: You say he harasses you, he says you harass him, you know who is really harassed here? Me!
Judge Judy: Have you ever heard of the K.I.S.S. principle? "Keep It Simple, Stupid."
Judge Judy: I'm here because I'm smart, not because I'm young and gorgeous... although I am!
Judge Judy: This is my courtroom and I can say what I want. When you become a judge, we will talk.
Judge Judy: ...That's going to be the most expensive curse word you ever said!
Judge Judy: If you live to be a hundred, you will never be as smart as me. On your BEST day, you're not as smart as *I* am on my WORST day.
Plaintiff: He signed me a promissory note...
Judge Judy: I don't care if he signed you the Declaration of Independence!
Judge Judy: I don't care what you think! *I'm* the one who has to determine what is fair.
Judge Judy: ...And you ought to be ashamed of yourself!
Judge Judy: That must be the S.O.D.D.I. principle: "Some Other Dude Done It."
Judge Judy: This is not "Let's Make a Deal," and I'm not Monty Hall!
Judge Judy: When you mess around with jail-bait, you accept the consequences!
Judge Judy: ...You spent $72 getting your hair done? You wasted your money!
Judge Judy: ...Two people can't talk at the same time. When my mouth is moving, it means that you need to be quiet.
Judge Judy: Do you know when a gift becomes a loan? When the relationship is over. Have you ever heard that, sir? Well, neither have I. I just made it up. I'm going to put it on coffee mugs.
Judge Judy: ...Sir, the *table* didn't have three beers and then get up and move!
Judge Judy: ...Of course I'm right; I'm always right. I'm like a truth machine.
Judge Judy: This birthday is going to be more expensive than you thought!
Judge Judy: ...You are not a good witness. Because a good witness answers a Judge's question directly, and my question to you was a very simple one. A SIX YEAR OLD COULD ANSWER IT!
Judge Judy: You're gonna keep your mouth shut until I come to you and ask you a question; otherwise, Byrd will take you outside until you understand the rules. Because here, I'm in charge... I run this show. Do you understand? You don't speak until I speak to you. Or do you want me to label you a liar before we even begin?
Judge Judy: ...I eat morons like you for breakfast. You're gonna be crying before this is over.
Judge Judy: The only attitude I tolerate around here is my own! You speak, then I rule, and after that you shut up. Do you understand?
Judge Judy: For what I'd like to say right now, I wish we were on cable... I'm not gonna waste another second on this case. Between the two of you, I doubt I could put together a three-digit IQ.
Judge Judy: What do I know about Myspace? It's an Internet site where people, who have nothing better to do with their time, go and chat about a whole bunch of nonsense. We could eliminate a third of the problems in this country, if people actually had to shovel coal into a furnace for heat... rather than spending all that time they have making problems for other people, by sitting at their personal computers doing things other than those which PCs were actually designed for.
Judge Judy: What's next? You can only be evicted when you pay rent.
Defendant: Pain and suffering
Judge Judy: I'm in pain.
Defendant: I'm in pain too.
Judge Judy: Did I come to you? Then don't come to me.
Petri Hawkins-Byrd: Parties have been sworn in, Judge.
Petri Hawkins-Byrd: You may be seated.
Judge Judy: [the end of many cases] Goodbye, have a happy life!
Judge Judy: [pointing to two feuding exes] This genius picked this genius!
Judge Judy: [about a girl wearing too-skimpy attire] ... Byrd, get her a jumper; she looks cold!
Judge Judy: ...You are to respond, "Yes, ma'am"!
Judge Judy: Don't look up at the heavens. God is not going to help you with this case. Only the truth will set you free.
Judge Judy: I don't want you, or anybody else, to think I'm stupid. Old, maybe; stupid, never.
Judge Judy: If you want the facts, you go to a therapist. If you want the law, you come to court.
Judge Judy: In court, I ask the questions; you answer them. And so far, you've gotten most of them wrong.
Judge Judy: I'm going to deal with your counterclaim as fairly and expeditiously as I can: it's dismissed. You should bless her, not sue her!
Judge Judy: Touch every third person, and you'll find an idiot.
Judge Judy: I only do one thing at a time; otherwise, I get confused and then I can't trick you.
Judge Judy: Don't let the word "bar" fool you. This is a courtroom, not a barroom.
Judge Judy: ...You're lying. I can tell because the hairs on the back of my neck are standing up.
Judge Judy: I love the truth. If you don't tell me the truth, you're gonna be eating your shoes.
Judge Judy: Don't get too comfortable. This case is not going to take long.
Judge Judy: There's only one wise-ass I tolerate in my courtroom... and that's the bailiff.
Judge Judy: There are all kinds of worthwhile charities around. Breast augmentation surgery doesn't fall into that category.
Judge Judy: ...That's why they don't let people drink until they're 21 years old, because even 21-year-olds are morons. 20-year-olds and 19-year-olds are double-morons. They shouldn't even be allowed out of the house after nine o'clock at night.
Judge Judy: ...So you didn't feel the need to file taxes last year, huh? That's very interesting; I'll make sure the IRS receives a copy of this tape.
Judge Judy: You say you're on disability for a bad back? Couldn't you get a job in an office or something?
Judge Judy: Everyone is equal in the eyes of the law, but that doesn't mean the law has to treat everyone equally.
Judge Judy: The sexes are not equal. They only start out equal, and then something happens along the way... You think it's sports? Contact sports, maybe, to the head.
Senor Trujilo: ...I have a lot to be proud of.
Judge Judy: Like what?
Senor Trujilo: I graduated high school.
Judge Judy: Oh, well! That's, like, the Eighth Wonder of the World, isn't it!
Senor Trujilo: Yes - By our family's standards, that's a great accomplishment.
Judge Judy: [to a litigant] You mess around with me, and I'll wipe the floor with you. Do we follow each other?
Judge Judy: You don't seem to get the drill here in court. In a court, I ask the questions and you answer the questions. So far, you've answered the questions and you've gotten most of them wrong.
Judge Judy: Sir, do you wanna say something to me? Are you sure you wanna say something to me...? No, you don't. Believe me, that is the LAST thing you want.
Judge Judy: ...I've got a message for all you single people out there, in the audience, so listen to me very carefully - Aside from no joint bank accounts, no joint credit cards, no joint visas until you're married, take this home with you: NEVER cosign on anybody's behalf for anything, and I mean NOT EVER!
[to the plaintiff]
Judge Judy: Having said that, I think you should have brought your case to me sooner.
Judge Judy: Do you know how old I am? Do you realize that every second of my life is precious?
Judge Judy: I have 3 sons, so I know you are no gift! You're not even good looking!
Judge Judy: Did you forget you were coming to court today?
Judge Judy: ...This is your aggravation. Not his. He doesn't want your aggravation. Byrd doesn't want your aggravation...
[to the bailiff]
Judge Judy: ... Do you, Byrd?
Judge Judy: ...I think you ought to be quiet. You know, they don't need anybody stirring up the pot. You're a pot-stirrer.
Judge Judy: [to the defendant who denies owing the plaintiff any money] Let me explain something to you, my husband once offended me on July 6th 1978. I can tell you exactly where I was sitting, and what he was eating. Most people have a memory of important dates and times. Now if somebody, gave me/loaned to be $5000 I would remember some of the circumstances surrounding it - because you, sir seem to have a very, very good memory of everything you did - calling the bank, calling the title company, getting the checks, sitting down and going over everything - the only thing you don't have a memory of is "Can I borrow $5000?". Judgment to the plaintiff for the amount of $5000 - thank you.
Judge Judy: Never combine business with pleasure; that's not good business. Got what I mean?
[Judge Judy states her opinion of people who have themselves excessively tattooed]
Judge Judy: Yeah, well, I'm probably just very old-fashioned about this whole tattoo thing. I think that when people do that in excess, which clearly to me, there's, there are excesses. I would prefer that somebody say, "Look at me, look at me, this is what I've accomplished. I wrote a book. I graduated from college. I've just completed a wonderful work of art that I hung in a museum. Something that I've accomplished," rather than saying, "Look at me, look at me, I'm gonna be the most outlandish I can be so I can get your attention." There's positive attention, there's negative attention. But maybe there will come a point where being tattooed over your whole body is accepted. I will be long gone when that happens fortunately!
Judge Judy: What do you do for a living, Sir?
Judge Judy: "Um" is not an answer! What kind of training did you need to do "Um"?
Defendant: [Judy is tearing up some love letters the Defendant recieved from the Defendent] Can I suggest something Ma'am?
Judge Judy: [looks up from tearing the letters] Shhh!
[continues tearing them up]
Judge Judy: Don't say you'll gladly pay Tuesday for a hamburger today, when you didn't pay Thursday for the burger you had yesterday.
Judge Judy: There's just one person who's allowed to ask, or answer, rhetorical questions in my courtroom - and that's me! Understand? No, *don't answer!*... There you go again.
Judge Judy: ...Did that sound like a rhetorical question? It wasn't. I want you to answer it, capisce? Now, that was a rhetorical question! See the difference?
Judge Judy: So far this case is going in your favor, madam; does it look like I need any help?... THEN SHUT UP!
Announcer: [repeated voice over] Real cases, real people. Judge Judy.