- Stan Lee: You know, I think you ought to get him some help. He seems to be really hung up on super heroes' sex organs.
- [first lines, Theatrical Version]
- Brodie: [voice-over] One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck up his ass. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all, but next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So, I run into him a week later in the mall and he's buying another cat. And I says to him, "Jesus, Walt! What are you doing? You know you're just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass too. Why don't you knock it off?" And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy.
- Shannon Hamilton: You wanna say something?
- Brodie: Yeah. About a million things, but I can't express myself monosyllabically enough for you to understand 'em all.
- Brandi: Second suitor, would you ever make whoopie in public?
- Brodie: I already did once today.
- [clicks his finger at Renee]
- Brodie: But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control, so he decides it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, snap! The hydraulics kick back in. The plane rights itself and it land safely and everyone puts their pieces or, whatever, you know, away and deboard. No one mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.
- Gil Hicks: [beat] Well, did he cum, or what?
- Brodie: Jesus *Christ*, man! There's just some things you don't talk about in public!
- T.S. Quint: But they're engaged.
- Brodie: Doesn't matter, it can't happen.
- T.S. Quint: Why not? It's bound to come up.
- Brodie: It's impossible. Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle his sperm? I guarantee he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry his child?
- T.S. Quint: Sure, why not?
- Brodie: He's an alien, for Christ sake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by Earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan, the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a Kryptonite condom, but that would kill him.
- T.S. Quint: How is it that I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi to Man of Steel coital debates with you in the food court?
- Brodie: Cookie stand isn't part of the food court.
- T.S. Quint: Of course it is.
- Brodie: The food court is downstairs. The cookie stand is upstairs. It not like we're talking quantum physics here.
- T.S. Quint: The cookie stands counts as an eatery, eateries are part of the food court.
- Brodie: Bullshit! Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs qualify as food court. Anything outside, of said designated square, is considered an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking. Now, if you're going to wax intellectual about the subject...
- Brodie: You're giving up? You? You used to be stand-up guy, what happened to him? The guy who punched Amanda Gross's mother after she called him "low class".
- T.S. Quint: That wasn't me. It was you.
- Brodie: Oh, yeah.
- T.S. Quint: And it wasn't her mother, it was her grandmother.
- Brodie: No wonder the bitch went down so fast.
- Brodie: I took you shopping all the time!
- [Banging his hands against the elevator wall]
- Rene: You took me where you went shopping, you jerk! You think I care what store in that shitpit dirt mall has the latest Godzilla bootlegs? Do you call eating pizza in the same dive pizzeria every night eating out? Do I give a shit when two major comic book labels are crossing over characters, selling two editions of the same book in varied-ink chromium covers? I'm a girl, damn it! I wanna do girly things! Like fix up someone's hair and get phone calls expressing romantic sentiments!
- Brandi: Suitor number 3, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake or a jackhammer?
- Gil Hicks: Definitely a jackhammer, I'm in there with some pressure and when I'm done, you're not the same as before. You're changed.
- Brodie: Where do you come up with this shit? That's the cheesiest response to an honest question I have ever heard. I saw you kiss and it wasn't anything like that.
- Bob Summers: [Chuckling] Suitor #2, you'll have to wait until you're addressed before you respond.
- Brodie: Richard Dawson, why don't you just go back to your podium until it's time to play The Feud. All right?
- [Audience laughs]
- Gil Hicks: Who the hell did you see me kiss?
- Brodie: Some dude backstage. I don't know who he was but he seemed unimpressed.
- Gil Hicks: I didn't kiss any guy backstage. I swear. I'm not gay.
- Brodie: Hey, Suitorette, this guys a homophobe. You heard how repulsed he sounded. Is this the kind of guy you want to spend a vacation with? This hate-monger?
- Gil Hicks: I don't hate gay people.
- Brodie: So you love them?
- Gil Hicks: Yes. I mean no.
- Brodie: Textbook closet case self-loather. Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality.
- Little Girl: [looking at a Magic Eye poster] Wow. It's a schooner.
- Willam Black: Ha ha ha ha. You dumb bastard. It's not a schooner... it's a Sailboat.
- Little Boy: A schooner IS a sailboat stupid head!
- Willam Black: [becoming enraged] You know what? There is NO Easter Bunny! Over there, that's just a guy in a suit!
- [after hitting La Fours over the head with a baseball bat]
- Jay: Come son of Jor-El, kneel before Zod! Snootchie-bootchies. Ehehehehe!
- Brodie: Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent - I don't care which one - but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator.
- Shannon Hamilton: That's it. You're dead, mallrat! I'm gonna fuck you up beyond repair!
- Brodie: Ladies and gentlemen, this tall drink of water headed my way is a pillar of the shopping community who informed me earlier today of a nefarious plan of his to screw my girlfriend in an extremely uncomfortable place.
- Gil Hicks: What... like the back of a Volkswagen?
- Jay: Shit, bitch, we're gonna bust up that stage like a high school kegger. We're just gonna outwit Lafours, X-Men style.
- Brodie: Should I call you Logan, Weapon-X?
- Jay: No, *Wolverine*! Shnickty shnickty shnoine!
- Brodie: See, what he's doing is imitating Wolverine's berserker attack with his adamantium claws.
- T.S. Quint: I never would have guessed.
- [the videotape of Shannon back-dooring Trica is playing on the big screen, with cheesy 70s porno music in background]
- Shannon Hamilton: Yeah, who's your favourite New Kid. Yeah, call me Joey. Oh, come on. Don't make me get loose. Yeah, that's right. Call me Donnie. Oh, girl. Oh, please don't go girl.
- Jay: Goddamn. This is one wacky game show.
- Brodie: [to the cops] Hey! That girl's only 15!
- [cops focus their attention on Shannon]
- Shannon Hamilton: Ah, 15. I thought she was 36!
- [cops are approaching him]
- Shannon Hamilton: Come on, guys. Tell me you wouldn't have popped her.
- Gwen: How is it that you recall the most trivial events?
- Brodie: I'll never forget it. How many times do you get to see Smokey fuck the Bandit?
- Gwen: Didn't I look just like Burt Reynolds?
- Brodie, T.S. Quint: Except for the moustache.
- Jay: [to Willam, who's struggling to see a Sailboat in the Magic-Eye picture] What you need is a fatty-boom-batty blunt! And I guarantee you'll be seeing a sailboat, an ocean, and maybe even some of those big-tittied mermaids doing some of that lesbian shit! Look at me, look at me, you sloppy bitch!
- [Brodie picks up a controller and continues a paused video game]
- Rene: What are you doing? You promised me breakfast.
- Brodie: Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ's sake. It's only the second period and I'm up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Rene, but Hartford, "the Whale," they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime.
- Brodie: After all he's done to you, you should still kinda stick it to him.
- T.S. Quint: How do you propose I do that?
- Brodie: You stinkpalm him.
- T.S. Quint: Stinkpalm?
- Brodie: You take your hand and stick it in your ass like this. You been walkin' all day and you're nervous, so no doubt you'll be sweaty as hell.
- T.S. Quint: You should see yourself right now, a grown man with his hand down his pants.
- Brodie: Yeah i probably look like my old man. So you shake hands with the guy, "Hello Mr. Svenning how have you been?"
- T.S. Quint: Whats the point?
- Brodie: You know how long it takes for that smell to come off? Scrub all you want, it'll stick around for at least two days. How does he explain it to his colleagues and family? They'll think he doesn't know how to wipe his ass properly.
- T.S. Quint: Meanwhile you yourself are left with a hand that smells like shit.
- Brodie: Small price to pay for the smiting of one's enemies.
- Brodie: My Grandmother always used to say "why buy the cow, when you can get the sex for free".
- T.S. Quint: She didn't!
- Brodie: All the time, before she became a lesbian on her 60th Birthday, but that's besides the point.
- T.S. Quint: I was going to propose to her.
- Brodie: Where?
- T.S. Quint: The Universal Tour.
- Brodie: You're kidding. What part?
- T.S. Quint: When Jaws popped out of the water.
- Brodie: That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.
- T.S. Quint: Too bad I'm not trying to marry you.
- Silent Bob: Adventure, excitement... a Jedi craves not these things.
- [c.f.]
- Silent Bob: [link=tt0080684] ]
- [Jay is reading a Hustler. He shows a spread to Silent Bob]
- Jay: Dude, this one looks like your mom.
- [Silent Bob nods]
- [Jay explains the details of Operation Drive By to Silent Bob]
- Jay: Phase one: First you take a run at La Fours with a sock full of quarters. I'd do it, but I pulled my back at humping your mom last night. Nootch! Okay, you clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold. That's when phase two kicks in. I attack the structure Wolvie Berzerk style, and knock out the fuckin' pin and bickety bam, the motherfucker is rubble. Hence, no game show.
- Tricia Jones: I heard that you were going to propose to Brandi Svenning at some theme park. When are men going to learn that women want ROMANCE, not Mr. Toad's Wild Ride...
- Brodie: Be fair. EVERYONE wants Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.
- Brodie: Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel? They're a little melty but damn are they exquisite.
- Jay: You're fucking kidding me! The Easter bunny did this?
- Brodie: All I said was that the Easter bunny at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down.
- Jay: He's fucking dead!
- Brodie: Oh let it go, he's under a lot of pressure.
- [T.S. and Gwen approach them]
- T.S. Quint: What the hell happened?
- Jay: The guy in the Easter bunny suit kicked his ass.
- Brodie: I had it coming.
- Jay: [to Silent Bob] Fuck all that shit! Come on, Silent Bob.
- [Jay and Silent Bob leave]
- T.S. Quint: What really happened?
- Brodie: The proprietor of Fashionable Male beat a raincheck into my stomach.
- Gwen: Shannon Hamilton?
- T.S. Quint: You know that guy?
- Gwen: I went out with him once after we dated. He tried to screw me some place very uncomfortable.
- T.S. Quint: What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?
- Brodie: Sounds like his M.O.
- T.S. Quint: [reading the break-up letter that Renee gave Brodie] Woah, she calls you "callow" in here.
- Brodie: You say that like it's bad.
- T.S. Quint: It means frightened and weak-willed.
- Brodie: Really? Shit. That was the only part of the letter I thought was complimentary.
- Stan Lee: [passes by magic eye picture stops] Oh, a sailboat.
- [Pats William on the back and walks off]
- Willam Black: Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!
- [Runs and kicks the picture over]
- Brandi: [calm and nefarious tone] Second Suitor? If you were a comic book character, what character would you be?
- Brodie: [caught off guard, but delighted] Wow! That's a great question. Tough one, though I mean, what does one gauge his response on? Physical prowess? Keen detection skills? The ability to banter well with super villians?
- Brandi: [interupting] How's your comic book collection, Brodie?
- Brodie: Oh it's goin' good. But, I mean...
- Brodie: [T.S. punches Brodie's arm and shows an angry look, realizing they have been made] Oh, comics? what are you talkin' about lady? I don't collect comics! Comics are for kids!
- T.S. Quint: Maybe he's calmed down, we'll talk about it reasonably.
- Brodie: Reasonably shmeasonably, you should go over there and give him shit.
- Brandi: Suitor Number Three, what would our first date be like?
- Gil Hicks: Well, uh, first I'd take you shopping to stores you wanna shop in, and then we'd do a little lunch, probably at the Cheese Haus, followed by some golfing. And then at night, we'd take in an opera, probably Die Fledermaus, and then I'd follow it up with a drive to a secluded beach where I'd pop on the radio and we could slow-dance till the sun came up.
- Brodie: That was the biggest load of crap I've ever heard! I mean, look at you. You're the kind of guy who would beg for sex. And I should know, we can smell our own.
- T.S. Quint: How easily do you quit? Say you wind up with one of us?
- Brodie: Hopefully not Rush Limbaugh over here.
- Gil Hicks: Well, now, I'm not like Rush Limbaugh.
- Brodie: Well, why not? Because he's fat? Now you have something against fat people, too?
- Brodie: Why don't they ever bring back or remake good shows, like 'BJ and the Bear.' Now there's a concept I can't get enough of, a man and his monkey.
- Jay: Silent Bob here's an electrical genius. He won the science fair in eighth grade by turning his mom's vibrator into a CD player using some chicken wire and shit. The mother fucker's like MacGyver. No, the mother fucker's *better than* MacGyver.
- T.S. Quint: How much did you smoke?
- Jay: All it took was a phat, chronic blunt. These guys were lightweights.
- T.S. Quint: How much do I owe you?
- Jay: My treat. As long as you promise that the next time you pop your old lady, you make her call you "Jay." Snootchie Bootchies.
- T.S. Quint: Let's hope there is a next time.
- [Jay explains the details of Operation Dark Knight to Silent Bob]
- Jay: Okay Lunchbox, let's try this again. We tie you to the roof and you jump off and sail like a Spitfire passing right over the arch nemesis La Fours. You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin. And when that's gone the stage is trashed and we go smoke a bowl. You got it? Now get your fat ass up there. And dude, don't forget your helmet. Snoogens.
- Brodie: You're going to listen to *me*? To something that *I* said? Hell, most of the time I'm just talking out of my ass... or sticking my hand in it.
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