It Takes Two (1995)
Diane Barrows: Besides, you don't want to be an orphan forever.
Amanda Lemmon: So adopt me, why don't you!
Diane Barrows: They won't let me adopt you on my salary; besides, you deserve a mother *and* a father.
Amanda Lemmon: So, get a husband.
Diane Barrows: It's not like buying a car, you know.
Amanda Lemmon: I know. It's got to be that can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, World Series kind of stuff, right?
Diane Barrows: Hey, a girl's got to have her standards.
Diane Barrows: You know, I really thought it was that can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over- the-fence, World Series kind of stuff.
Amanda Lemmon: All this money and these people eat slugs?
Clarice Kensington: I have never been more humiliated in my life!
[turns to walk off and huffs]
Alyssa Calloway: Wanna bet?
[she steps on Clarice's wedding dress so that everyone can see her underpants]
Roger Callaway: [Amanda, as Alyssa, bangs a tune on the piano] Do you think maybe my daughter's asking for a little attention?
Vincenzo: I'd say she's demanding it.
Roger Callaway: [as Amanda bangs the final notes] Hmm.
Alyssa Calloway: Aren't you coming?
Diane Barrows: Uh, no, I think I'm just gonna wait for Amanda out here.
Alyssa Calloway: DIANE BARROWS! GET YOUR BUTT UP HERE THIS... IN-STANT!
Diane Barrows: Okay. Okay. Maybe I'll just stand in the back and take a little look-see.
Diane Barrows: I can't believe you talked me into this!
Alyssa Calloway: You're too tense. Relax.
Diane Barrows: Oh, I've got a thousand pounds of wild animal under my butt and she says relax!
Diane Barrows: Sorry to ruin your wedding. I just didn't want the wrong girl going down the aisle. I mean the wrong flower girl.
Roger Callaway: I think you had it right the first time.
Diane Barrows: You should really put iodine on your butt... cut.
Clarice Kensington: This - is all YOUR fault!
[she raises her arm to hit Amanda, who poses as Alyssa, but Vincenzo furiously grabs her arm and stops her; Clarice turns to him]
Vincenzo: Lady, if you touch that child, I'll pop you one, so help me God!
Frankie: Whoa! Check it out! Buckingham Palace!
Amanda Lemmon: [in a know-it-all tone] That's in London, brainless. It's the Calloway House.
Kid 2: Nobody's lived there for years. It's haunted.
Amanda Lemmon: It's not, either!
Kid 3: Ask anyone. Every full moon, Old Lady Calloway's ghost crosses the lake and eats one of the campers.
Amanda Lemmon: Yeah, right, and Santa Claus lives with the tooth fairy in Queens.
Diane Barrows: Guys like him like girls with food names: Cookie, Muffin, Candy... They don't marry girls like me.
Roger Callaway: I made my money the old-fashioned way - pure dumb luck.
Amanda Lemmon: This orphan stuff is like growing up in the dog-pound. Everybody wants a puppy.
Alyssa Calloway: How was the party?
Amanda Lemmon: Well, the good news is, Clarice is gone.
Alyssa Calloway: You did it!
Amanda Lemmon: The bad news is, she'll be back in a week.
Alyssa Calloway: Oh, you didn't.
Vincenzo: My god - you're *not* Alyssa!
Amanda Lemmon: Nope. Name's Amanda, put 'er there!
[shakes Vincenzo's hand]
Vincenzo: Identical strangers? Holy mackerel, that's amazing!
Amanda Lemmon: Yeah, and it's weird, too!
Diane Barrows: [surprised that Amanda and Alyssa are identical] This is amazing.
Vincenzo: Yeah. And it's weird, too. Now, I understand that through some, uh, some simple mix-up, that Alyssa is in a care of child's services. Now, I've been authorized to tell you, that if I get her back right away, there'll be no legal entanglements.
Diane Barrows: Um, you see, she's not exactly with me, here.
Diane Barrows: She's been... Well, she was adopted.
Vincenzo: Well, then you'd better unadopt her, quick! Mr. Callaway's gettin' married in 90 minutes at St. Bartholomew's! He's expecting his daughter to be there, his *real* daughter.
Diane Barrows: *90 minutes*?
Diane Barrows: Well, I can't even get to Staten Island and back in 90 minutes!
Vincenzo: Well, may I suggest that you go really, *really* fast?
[he writes down a number]
Vincenzo: Here. If you get into any trouble, call this number.
[he hands it to Diane]
Vincenzo: Ask for Lou!
[he leaves, and Diane looks at the number]
Diane Barrows: Lou. Lou Who?
[Diane and Alyssa see a horse-drawn carriage, and Alyssa gets on]
Diane Barrows: Oh, no. NOT another horse!
Alyssa Calloway: Diane, come *on*!
Diane Barrows: Fine.
[she gets into the carriage]
Diane Barrows: Where is the driver?
[she notices that the driver is at the hot dog stand, eating hot dogs]
Diane Barrows: Oh! Hey, buddy! Listen, you've gotta take us to St. Bart's right away; it's an emergency!
Horse Driver: [through a mouthful of hot dog] We're closed, miss. I'm on my break!
[Diane turns to Alyssa, and makes a gesture telling her to get in the driver's seat and take the reins, both of which Alyssa does, and Diane gets in the passenger seat and turns angrily to the driver]
Diane Barrows: [sarcastically] I wanna thank you for all your help, bud!
Alyssa Calloway: [whips the reins] HYAH!
[the horse runs off, pulling the carriage, but Diane falls backwards into the seat]
Horse Driver: [notices and almost runs after his horse] Hey. Hey, lady! Hey, that's...
[spits out his mouthful, then screams after them]
Horse Driver: THAT'S MY HORSE!
Roger Callaway: I don't know what's more bruised, my butt or my ego.
Clarice Kensington: "Rough" is a broken nail, darling, what I'm having is a *train wreck*!
Diane Barrows: [bangs loudly on Butkises' door] Hello! Hello!
Butkis' Neighbor: You lookin' for a Butkis?
Diane Barrows: What?
Butkis' Neighbor: You lookin' for a Butkis?
Diane Barrows: Yes! Yes, I am. Do you know where he is?
Butkis' Neighbor: At the salvage yard. Where else? Harry works those poor kids to the bone.
Diane Barrows: What do you mean?
Butkis' Neighbor: Why do you think he's got so many?
Radio Announcer: Lots of tie-ups this mornin'. It's 20 minutes for the Lincoln, 10 for the Holland. The B.Q.E. is backed up for about 2 miles, and if you're takin' the Van Wyck, better allow an extra 15. Whateva ya do, stay outta midtown. It's gonna be wall-to-wall limos as socialite Clarice Kensington finally lands her man!
Diane Barrows: [after Alyssa, as Amanda, was 'adopted' by the Butkises] You were supposed to protect her! You should've done something. Y-Y-You could've slit their tires or something! Anything!
Jerry: They had the paperwork!
Diane Barrows: *What* paperwork?
Patty: [hands Diane the paperwork] We couldn't find you! Miss Van Dyke was here. What did you want us to do, lie in front of the van, for God's sake?
Diane Barrows: I would have!
[she drops the paperwork]
Diane Barrows: I'm takin' the Jeep!
[she takes the keys to the Jeep]
Jerry: Hey, that's the camp's!
Diane Barrows: [furiously] Oh, don't you even...!
Diane Barrows: [drives all the way to Staten Island] I must be crazy. But I'm not goin' in that church. No matter what happens, I am NOT goin' in that church!
Alyssa Calloway: [to Vincenzo, after thinking that Clarice wants to sell the mansion] I've lost my mother, now I've lost my father! I have no family. I'm an orphan, and I'm running away, so don't you dare tell Daddy!
Harry Butkis Jr.: [after Alyssa posing as Amanda gets off the phone with Amanda posing as Alyssa] New kids aren't allowed to use the phone. Butkis rules.
Mr. Kensington: [entering the bridal dressing room with a Prozac] I knew somebody in this church would have a Prozac.
Clarice Kensington: [snatching the Prozac, impatiently] What is taking so long?
[gulps the Prozac down]
Mr. Kensington: [soothingly] Relax, Clary. Enjoy the moment. This is the happiest day of your life.
Clarice Kensington: [quietly at first, then temperamentally] I'm happy. Don't I look happy? This is me happy! See!
[chuckles, then chants]
Clarice Kensington: Happy-happy-happy-happy-happy-happy-happy!
Clarice Kensington: Let's get this show on the road!
Roger Callaway: Clarice! Your hair! I mean you're here!
Clarice Kensington: If you embarrass me in front of me in front of all these people, I'll make sure you never play anything, ever, again. Have I made myself clear?
Amanda Lemmon: [as Alyssa] Clear as glass.
[Drops her chewed escargot in Clarice's champagne glass]
Amanda Lemmon: In fact, I can see right through you.
Diane Barrows: [as she watches Amanda, unaware that she's really Alyssa Calloway, dash into the woods during a flag football game] Great speed. Bad sense of direction.
Diane Barrows: [to the home office on the phone] Let me just run this by you one more time, okay? Please, just hear me out, one more time. Okay. I know I don't make that much money, and I know that I'm a little bit single, but I want to adopt Amanda. No, I - Are you laughing at me?
Diane Barrows: He's laughing at me!
Diane Barrows: You - YOU STUPID JERK!
[hangs up in fury]
Roger Callaway: Vincenzo, did you ever hit a home run?
Vincenzo: Not recently.
Roger Callaway: You know the feeling when it's the bottom of the ninth, the bases are loaded, and you know the next one's coming right down the middle. And then, you just connect... and for an instant, you know that it's going over the fence and out of the park... and further than you could ever imagine.
Vincenzo: Yeah, that's a great feeling.
Roger Callaway: Yeah.
[pauses, closes wedding ring box]
Roger Callaway: Clarice hates baseball.
Diane Barrows: Told ya. Third time's a charm...
Roger Callaway: Wait. All of this? This was *your* doing?
[Amanda and Alyssa smile]
Roger Callaway: Oh, it *was*, was it?
Roger Callaway: Well, girls, what do you have to say for yourselves?
Diane Barrows: You're not a reject. It's just that, most people want to adopt...
Amanda Lemmon: Babies. I know.
Clarice Kensington: Where the hell is everybody? Vincenzo!
Vincenzo: [to Amanda] I sure hope you've got a plan.
Amanda Lemmon: [as Alyssa] I'm just so terribly relieved that you're not... pissed.
Vincenzo: Pissed, miss?
Mr. Kensington: [as he as Clarice take their first few steps down the aisle] Who would have thought my first little girl would be the last to get married?
Clarice Kensington: [chuckles, then exasperated] Aw, Daddy... shut up!
Clarice Kensington: Enough of this.