Dinosaur Island (1994)
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There is no better way to describe this movie. It has the audacity to say 'Dinos genetically bred and trained by' instead of 'SFX by' in the credits, and has the only drunken redneck T-Rex in history. (Of course he is, just look at that pot-belly)
I have to confess that I only rented the movie because it had Dinos and girls in leather bikinis, 2 things near and dear to my heart, but after about 20 minutes of watching, I actually put away my alcohol, turned off the computer game I was playing and restarted the movie so I could catch every last horrible, horrible detail.
For those that like 'So bad it's good' movies as I do, then this is the ultimate 'must-see' movie.
It starts with four stranded army soldiers washing up on a seemingly deserted island. Soon they are surrounded by a group of warrior women and hauled off to the main village. They are given the choice of fighting the big dinosaur (the name escapes me right now) or death. While the older soldier (Ross Hagen) thinks up a strategy, the other 3 go off, perusing the all-female village. They stumble upon 3 lovely villagers, and of course pair off with them. The ladies don't have regular names so the guys invent some for them....right out of a men's magazine. Miss April (Antonia Dorian), Miss May (Griffen Drew, who look simply fabulous in this movie), and Miss June (Michelle Bauer). After that, the plot pretty much goes as expected: each soldier scores with their respective woman, kill the dinosaur, and have some more sex later. Even Ross Hagen's character gets some from the queen of the village! What an ending! It's a short, 80-something minute film which will leave you in stitches with how bad it really is. Truly a treat for those who watch Cinemax Late Night (commonly called Skin-O-Max).
A small group of military men crash land on a tropical-ish island. This island is inhabited by a) dinosaurs (hence the title), and b) attractive young women in fur bikinis. Conveniently, the number of young women is the same as the number of military men. A plot - I can't believe I have dignified it with the word "plot" - involves fighting the dinosaurs and having sex with the women.
Let me say at the outset that this film isn't entirely without merit. There are actually some witty lines in the script here and there, Antonia Dorian is gorgeous in (and out of) her fur bikini, and there is a fairly large scale dinosaur model/puppet/suit which features.
Less praiseworthy, but worth remarking on, are the presence of Michelle Bauer (overexposed in more ways than several, but still decorative) and Griffin Drew (including implants), and a small quantity of extremely bad stop-frame animation used to bring certain dinosaurs to, er, life.
The big trick used here, though, is forced perspective. Thus, there is no need to finance a giant egg prop - you use a normal egg near the camera and have your actors 50 yards away point in the right direction to make it look as if they are pointing at the egg near the camera. Or they run away, as if chased by a dinosaur, while a small scale dinosaur close to the camera is manipulated to look as though it is chasing them. Of course, it helps if both the close and distant items are focused the same. And it helps as if the dinosaur model doesn't look as if you just bought it from a toy shop. And it helps if your models aren't grounded in normal sized (and scaled) foliage, thus making them look like the models they are.
The cheap, tatty special effects are dreadful. The film as a whole is preposterous. And yet it has a cheesy good nature which makes it oddly appealing...
It's 10:00 p.m. on Friday night and I just had a shot of jack and finished off my third beer. This party is out of control! I just watched "Dinosaur Island" followed by an episode of "Black Tie Nights" on Cinemax. This couple was on a date and then they had sex. That's the show. Genius eh?
Speaking of genius, "Dinosaur Island" was a T&A spectacular. Three army guys crash land on the island of the prehistoric breast implants. They must prove themselves worthy of their big bouncy affection by slaying the really cheap dinosaur that prowls the island. The girls are confused by the new arrivals in their midst. "What is this thing you men call love?" The guys are ready to shed the cavegirl's clothes and get this party started on a Saturday night.
Once again, I must give praise where it's due. Michelle Bauer is the real deal. As the women pair off with the men, Michelle chooses the fattest loser to hook up with. She gives hope to all of us dorks out here every time she rips off her bra. Thank you Michelle for getting naked for us again. There are plenty of other women who take their tops off as well. So that's good too.
All of the dinosaur scenes were ridiculously cheap but I didn't mind. You don't think I actually watched this for the dinosaurs do you? Of course not. Anyway, "Dinosaur Island" is a good T&A flick. It's worth a look for B-movie lovers.
One last thing, keep an eye out for Nikki Fritz who shows up at the very beginning of the movie. I thought she looked familiar but I didn't realize it was her until after the credits rolled. She is the High Priestess who has her breasts painted blue and dances around like a stripper. Apparently the dinosaur is attracted to the human sacrifice by the hypnotic gyrations of cavewoman pole dancing.
As far as the FX, I've seen much worse in many recent independent (and major studio) releases. Plus, the editing is coherent (even if the continuity is deliberately uneven) and you can actually hear the dialogue.
As far as the plot, it actually has one, even if it's as silly as a Carol Burnett sketch. (BTW, the "healing boobs" scene is pretty sly.) Anyway, there's a lot more pretentious junk than this to watch, so give it a try some evening when you've had a few drinks and you need something disposable.
You know that you're in the heart of Cheese-and-Sleaze Land when a movie begins with a closeup of a wild-eyed, wild-haired jungle beast of a woman screaming like a banshee at the camera while wearing little more than thongs and a thong, bare-breasted except for body paint in a color bearing a surprising resemblance to Boise State Bronco Blue. Any hope you may have for this film's potential to elevate and celebrate life vanishes a moment later, when the camera cuts away to two parallel lines of scantily clad women brandishing spears and chanting rhythmically before a rough-hewn altar, upon which a woman writhing in a fur bikini struggles against the vines tethering her arms to the altar's towering sides (though even a casual inspection reveals that the vines are looped around her wrists, not tied, and would probably fall limply to the ground if she would just open her hands and turn loose of them).
Why is she tied--er, looped to the altar? She's a Snackable in a fur-bikini wrapper, a squirming sacrifice to the Great One--a snarling, bellowing Tyrannosaurus Rex rendered in stop-motion animation so shaky and erratic as to call to mind an image of Michael J. Fox doing an impression of Elvis dancing to "All Shook Up." With more gratuitous nudity than one of Calvin Klein's wet dreams; with dime-store plastic dinosaurs brought to life through ham-handed, conspicuous special effects that are almost capable of momentarily startling a slow-witted four-year-old child; and with acting more stiff, self-conscious, and unnatural than a break-dancing Mitt Romney, "Dinosaur Island" is 85 minutes of mediocrity sinking into banality under the weight of the director's apathy and the actors' indifference, most notable in the end for its almost complete lack of talent, wit, or imagination.
I ranked it four out of five stars on Netflix, in the hope that Netflix will start tossing more flicks like it my way. I would've given it five stars, but I don't want Netflix to think that I lack discerning taste and a refined artistic sensibility.
The story, three guys who are on their way to a court martial get lucky as they end up on an island where there are voluptuous cave women; however, there are also dinosaurs! The guys are told they must die, until they are thought to be gods who will help the cave women dispose of the great one, a super dinosaur! The lead guy escorting the three losers to their court martial seems intent on delivering the men and even works out a deal with the leader of the cave women who distrusts these men, but then he seems to side with the soldiers making one think they missed a scene or two.
The film is good for one thing and that is nudity and it delivers some really nice looking females. The comedy pretty much fails for the most part, the action is terrible and the effects are hokey. Ross Hagen plays the man intent on bringing the men back and whose change of heart comes out of nowhere. He is an actor who is a b movie king starring in a ton of films and also in films parodied on MST3K such as Sidehackers and Hellcats. The rest of the cast is not really notable, but a lot of those girls are very attractive!
So, how many boxes in that quotient did 'Dinosaur Island' check? Well let's see; Beautiful women naked? Oh yeah, some absolutely gorgeous B-movie babies in leather bikinis and a lot less. They may be a primitive tribe but they've obviously mastered the art of aerobics and breast enhancement!
Frequent use of stock footage? Yep, it's amazing how many Dakotas the military use even in the 90s. Even more amazing they seem to have the ability to fly directly from Korea to the US which is quite an amazing feat of endurance.
Appalling special effects? Yep, I can't really decide which is worse, the baby T-Rex which is so blatantly a hand operated puppet or the adult T-Rex which is very obviously two men in a big rubber suit?
Dialogue which makes you wince? By golly and how! Plot which makes little or no sense? In spades!
Just for the record, the Stegasaurus is a vegetarian dinosaur so why do they kill it?
So don't go in expecting Citizen Kane but for what it is this is a fine film in the great Fred Olen Ray tradition.
Regarding the T&A there is plenty, yet somehow someway it is not only tasteful but mostly directly related to the plot.
Regarding the quality it's a mixed bag. The movie actually looks quite good, the location and costume design is solid but when the sfx come into the equation it all falls apart. I'm not saying the sfx are bad I'm saying they're awful. The dinosaurs are stop motion animation and looked at home back in the 60's so there is no excuse for a 1994 film.
Yes the film isn't supposed to be taken seriously and is essentially a comedy but those sfx are beyond bad.
Thankfully the script is okay and there are genuine laughs to be had, the whole movie reminded me of Cave Girl (1985) except Cave Girl didn't reach beyond its means and had far more of a charm.
For what it is Dinosaur Island isn't bad but as a whole it's not something I could ever confidently recommend to anyone.
Some decent efforts at humour
Tasteful well done T&A scenes
SFX that were on point in the 60's
Things I Learnt From This Movie:
Trained military with automatic weapons will have no effect on a raging t-rex but a bunch of scantily clad girls with sticks will scare it off
Boobs squeezing is the no.1 fighting technique for amazons
The infamous beast of the cave is the offspring of a xenomorph and a muppet
** (out of 4)
"B" movie kings Fred Olen Ray and Jim Wynorski co-directed this silly softcore flick that has enough nudity and camp for two movies. A group of Army guys have their plane crash into the ocean but thankfully they wash up on shore of an island that they think is deserted. They're incorrect because there's a bunch of big breasted and beautiful women but the only downside is that there's also dinosaurs who love to eat people. DINOSAUR ISLAND is obviously a film that wasn't meant to be taken serious as everything here is pretty cheap from start to finish. I'm really not sure why two directors were needed but they deliver pretty much what you'd expect in a film like this. The majority of the running time has nothing going on except for the beautiful women running around jiggling as they become curious about things like kissing and sex. This here leads to a lot of jokes where the men all try to get something from them while at the same time trying to figure out how to kill the dinosaurs. The CGI dinosaurs in this movie are perhaps the worst you'll ever see and I'm sure even Edward D. Wood, Jr. would be embarrassed by them. Quite often the girls will be using their spears against the dinosaurs and yet you can tell that they didn't know what they were looking at during filming. There are several times where the girls are "stabbing" the dinosaurs but not coming close to actually hitting them as the timing of the real stuff and the CGI are off to the point where you can't help but laugh. The cast includes some familiar faces like cult favorite Michelle Bauer and Peter Spellos (SORORITY HOUSE MASSACRE 2) but everyone fits their roles just fine. DINOSAUR ISLAND is certainly a cheap and poorly shot little thing but there's enough nudity and camp to make it worth viewing for those who enjoy this sort of thing.