Friends (TV Series 1994–2004) Poster

(1994–2004)

Matthew Perry: Chandler Bing

Photos 

Quotes 

  • [Joey has packed an emergency kit with food, Mad-Libs and condoms] 

    Chandler : Condoms?

    Joey : We don't know how long we're gonna be stuck here. We might have to repopulate the world.

    Chandler : And condoms are the way to do that?

  • [Monica knocks] 

    Chandler : You can't come in.

    Monica : Why not?

    Chandler : Because, uh, Ross is naked.

    Ross : What?

    Chandler : Well, I couldn't tell her *I* was naked. She's allowed to see me naked.

    Ross : Why does *anyone* have to be naked?

  • Chandler : I'm not so good with the advice... Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

  • Chandler : I can handle this. "Handle" is my middle name. Actually, "handle" is the middle of my first name.

  • Ross : What are you doing tonight?

    Chandler : Why, do you have a lecture?

    Ross : No.

    Chandler : Free as a bird, what's up?

  • Joey : I can't believe Ross is going out with Rachel's sister. Ya know, when Chandler made out with my sister, I was mad at him for, like, ten years.

    Chandler : That was five years ago.

    Joey : I know. You got five more years.

    Chandler : Joey...

    Joey : You want to make it six?

  • Monica : Now come on, Chandler, the Miami Vice soundtrack? Really?

    Chandler : They were just giving it away at the mall...

    [Monica stares] 

    Chandler : ...in exchange for money.

  • Chandler : I got her machine.

    Joey : Her answering machine?

    Chandler : No. Interestingly enough, her leaf blower picked up.

  • [after hearing about Chandlers breakup with Janice] 

    Phoebe : Where's Chandler?

    Joey : He's grieving.

    [We see Chandler running outside] 

    Chandler : I'M FREE. I AM FREE.

  • Monica : You wanted it to be a surprise.

    Chandler : Oh, my God.

    Monica : Chandler, in all my life I never thought I would be so lucky as to fall in love with my best, my best...

    [crying] 

    Monica : There's a reason why girls don't do this.

    Chandler : Okay, okay I'll do it. I thought, wait I can do this, I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, that you make me happier than I ever thought I could be and if you let me I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. Monica, will you marry me?

    Monica : Yes.

  • Chandler : We're getting a house.

    Monica : We're getting a baby.

    Chandler : We're growing up.

    Monica : We sure are.

    Chandler : So who's going to tell them?

    Monica : Not it.

    Chandler : Not it. Damn it!

  • Chandler : [to Ross]  Three failed marriages, two illegitimate children... The personal ad writes itself.

  • Janice : [Janice walks downstairs and finds Monica and Chandler looking at her house]  What a small world!

    Chandler : ...And yet, I never run into Beyonce.

  • [Joey just got ordained via the internet so that he could perform Monica and Chandler's wedding] 

    Joey : Hey, I started working on what I'm going to say at the ceremony. Wanna hear it?

    Monica , Chandler : Yeah.

    Joey : We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share.

    [Monica and Chandler look impressed] 

    Joey : It is a love based of giving and receiving as well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving, we too can share and love and have... and receive.

    [later] 

    Joey : Okay, you guys, I've got a little more written... are you ready?

    Chandler : Yeah, yeah. Okay.

    Joey : When I think of the love that these two givers and receivers share, I cannot help but envy the lifetime ahead of having and loving and giving... and then I can't think of a good word for right here.

    Monica : How bout receiving?

    Joey : Yes!

  • Monica : I think I'd be great in a war. I'd, like, get all the medals.

    Chandler : Before or after you're executed by your own troops?

  • [Chandler's roommate, Eddie has just accused him of sleeping with his ex girlfriend and killing his fish] 

    Phoebe : Why would you kill his fish?

    Chandler : Because, Phoebe, sometimes after you sleep with someone you have to kill a fish.

  • Phoebe : I'm going to get a coffee. Anybody want anything?

    Monica : I'll have a latte.

    Ross : I'll have a blueberry muffin, with a decaf.

    Chandler : I'll have a bagel with a little...

    Phoebe : You know I was just being polite.

  • Joey : Oh, I'm sorry. Did I get you?

    Chandler : It's an electric drill! You get me, you kill me!

  • [Re: "If you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?"] 

    Monica : Sex!

    Chandler : Seriously. Answer faster.

    Monica : I'm sorry, sweetie. When she said "sex" I wasn't thinking of sex with you.

    Chandler : It's like a big hug.

    Phoebe : Ross, how about you? Sex or food?

    Ross : Sex!

    Phoebe : What about sex or dinosaurs?

    Ross : My God, it's like Sophie's Choice.

    Phoebe : Joey, if you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?

    Joey : I don't know it's too hard.

    Rachel : Come on, you have to answer.

    Joey : Okay... sex. No, food. No, uh... I want both! I want girls on bread!

  • [Phoebe, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are trapped in Monica's bedroom] 

    Joey : I'm hungry.

    Phoebe : We could eat the wax. It's organic.

    Chandler : Oh great, food with hair on it.

    Phoebe : No, not the used wax.

    Chandler : Because THAT would be crazy.

  • Monica : [chasing after him]  Chandler. It happens to lots of guys. You-you-you were probably tired, you had a lot of champagne, don't worry about it.

    Chandler : [motioning with his hands]  I'm not worried, I'm uh, I'm fascinated. Y'know it's like uh, Biology. Which is funny because in high school I uh, I-I failed Biology and tonight Biology failed me.

  • Monica : [the Friends are at the beach]  Okay, just don't go swimming right after you eat.

    Chandler : [to Joey]  You know that's not really true.

    Joey : Try telling that to my Uncle Vinnie.

    Chandler : Why? What happened to him?

    Joey : Nothing; he just really believes that.

  • Joey : Ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven. See, I told you. Less than a hundred steps from our place to here.

    Chandler : You've got waaaay too much free time.

  • Ross : Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-alike contest and *won*!

    Chandler : Ross came fourth and cried!

  • Chandler : And this from the cry-for-help department: Are you wearing makeup?

    Joey : Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially Joey Tribbiani, actor slash model.

    Chandler : That's funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman.

  • Chandler : I can't say hump or screw in front of the b-a-b-y... I just spelled the wrong words didn't I?

  • Ross : Can I borrow your blue tie? Emma spit on mine.

    Chandler : Okay, but you'll have to give it back when I get a job. Of course, by then, ties will be obsolete and we'll all be wearing silver jumpsuits.

  • Chandler : Now, remember, Ben, keep your balance.

    Ben : Thanks, daddy.

    Ross : No, remember, Ben, two mommies, one daddy.

  • Monica : Hey. Where's Joey?

    Chandler : Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?

  • Monica : Whose little ball of paper is this?

    Chandler : Oh, it's mine. I wrote a note to myself, and then I realized I didn't need, so I balled it up...

    [notices Monica's angry glare] 

    Chandler : And now I wish I was dead.

  • [Upon hearing Ross practicing the bagpipe for their wedding] 

    Monica : Why must your family be Scottish?

    Chandler : Why must your family be *Ross*?

  • [Ross and Joey's first meeting] 

    Ross : [glum]  My wife's a lesbian.

    Joey : Cool.

    Chandler : Ross, this is Joey. Joey, Ross.

  • Chandler : All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers... it doesn't make much of a difference.

  • [Joey has to sleep with a woman to get a part] 

    Joey : I just don't think that I want it that way though, you know? I mean, let's say I do make it, all right? I'm always gonna look back and wonder if it was because of my talent or because of... y'know, the Little General.

    Chandler : Didn't you use to call it the Little Major?

    Joey : Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco, I had to promote it.

  • Joey : You think I need a new walk?

    Chandler : What?

    Joey : Well I've had the same walk since high school and you know how when a guy walks into a room and everybody takes notice. I think I need a 'take notice' walk.

    Chandler : Are you actually saying these words?

  • Chandler : I am an excellent secret keeper. I have kept all of out secrets.

    Joey : What secrets?

    Chandler : Oh no-no, Joey, I am not going to tell you because I am an excellent secret keeper.

    [the girls walk away] 

    Joey : You'll tell me later?

    Chandler : You already know.

  • Ross : What are you doing?

    Chandler : Making chocolate milk. You want some?

    Ross : No thanks, I'm 29.

  • Monica : You don't like the game, because you suck at it.

    Chandler : I don't suck at it. It sucks. And you suck.

  • Ross : We were on a break!

    Chandler : Oh, my God! If you say that one more time, I'm going to break up with you!

  • Nora Bing : Hi, Chandler. This is Dennis. He's a great guy...

    Nora Bing : [softly]  ... and a fantastic lover.

    Chandler : Hello, Dennis. Thank you for pleasing my mother so.

  • Ross : Ok, look. You don't have to get married. We can just go home and take a shower. That's not so scary is it?

    Chandler : Depends on what you mean by "we".

  • Chandler : You rent out these tuxes to celebrities for award shows.

    Rachel : Yeah.

    Chandler : You mean these tuxes have been down the red carpet with people screaming "Wow. You look fabulous." at them?

    Rachel : Honey, could I recommend watching a little bit more "ESPN" and a little less "E."?

  • Joey : I am telling this to Rachel.

    Monica : No, Joey.

    Joey : Unless...

    Chandler : Unless what?

    Joey : Unless you name your first born after me.

    Chandler : What? Why?

    Joey : Because, I may never have kids. Somebody's gonna have to carry on my family name.

    Chandler : Your family name is Tribianni.

    [pause] 

    Joey : Oh ho ho. You almost had me there.

  • Monica : Hi.

    Chandler : You are not gonna believe what I did today.

    Monica : Well, clearly you didn't shower or shave.

    Chandler : I got good. I played this game all day and now I rule. They should change the name to Ms. Chandler.

    [pause] 

    Chandler : Although, I hope they don't.

    Monica : Wait a minute, you staid home all day playing Ms. Pacman, while I was at work like some kind of chump?

    Chandler : Yeah, and I got all the top ten scores and erased Phoebe off the board. High five!

    Monica : What is the matter with your hand?

    Chandler : Well, I've been playing for like eight hours. It'll loosen up, come on check out the scores. Oh, and also look at the initials, their dirty words.

    Monica : Chandler, why would you do that?

    Chandler : Because it's awesome.

    Monica : You think this is clever?

    Chandler : Well, they only give you three letters, so after A.S.S., it is a bit of a challenge.

    Monica : Wait a minute, this one's not dirty.

    Chandler : Well, it is, when you put it together with that one.

    Monica : Oh, well, if you don't clear this off, you wont be getting those from me. Ben's coming tomorrow over to play this game, this can't be there.

    Chandler : Come on, he wont even know what they mean.

    Monica : He's seven, not stupid.

    Chandler : Have you talked to him lately?

    Monica : All right, I'm just going to unplug it...

    Chandler : No, no, no, if you'll unplug it, then there will be nothing to show from my day. It would be like I was at work!

    [Monica unplugs it] 

    Chandler : Look at that, look at that, it's still there, this thing must have a primitive ROM chip!

    Monica : You gotta beat your scores.

    Chandler : With the claw?

    Monica : Fine, I'll do it. We gotta get this off the screen. Carol and Susan are still upset that you taught him "Pull my finger".

    Chandler : Pull my finger... my hand is messed up!

  • Ross : Oh, really? Well, I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City.

    Chandler : Du-ude!

    Monica : What happened in Atlantic City?

    Ross : Well, Chandler and I are in a bar...

    Chandler : Did you not hear me say, "Du-ude"?

    Ross : ...and this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So after a while he just goes over to her and, uh, after a minute or two, I see them kissing. Now, I know what you're thinking. Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls. And you're right. Chandler's not the type of guy just goes to bars and makes out with girls.

    Monica : You kissed a guy? Oh my God.

    Chandler : In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy.

  • Chandler : My dad slept with Mr. Gribaldi.

    Monica : Who's Mr. Gribaldi?

    Chandler : DOES IT MATTER?

  • [in Barbados, Rachel runs into Monica and Chandler's room in the morning and opens the curtains, it has been raining a lot] 

    Monica : The sun is out!

    Chandler : [squinting in pain]  Hey, remember when I had corneas?

  • Joey : I don't get it. Why can't we use the same toothbrush? We use the same soap.

    Chandler : That's different. The toothbrush has been in my mouth.

    Joey : OK. But next time you're in the shower, think of the first place you're washing, and the last place I washed.

  • Chandler : Look, when Monica comes in, mention fire trucks.

    Joey : Why?

    Chandler : There's this guy at her work that she says is the funniest guy she ever met.

    Joey : How could she do that? She know being funny is your thing.

    Chandler : I know. So could you mention fire trucks when she comes in.

    Joey : I don't know. I'm not too good at memorizing lines.

    Chandler : [sarcastically]  It's a good thing you don't have to do that for a living.

    Joey : I know.

  • Monica : Chandler. You're smoking again?

    Chandler : Well, yesterday I was smoking again, and today... I'm smoking still...

  • [Chandler enters with a terrible hang-over] 

    Monica : How ya doin'?

    Chandler : Well, my apartment's not there anymore because I drank it.

  • Monica : What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it.

    Joey : Yeah, right!... Y'serious?

    Phoebe : Oh, yeah!

    Rachel : Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.

    Monica : Absolutely.

    Chandler : Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.

    Ross : Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket.

    Chandler : The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake.

  • [Telling Rachel how to be sexy] 

    Joey : There was this movie, "Footloose".

    Chandler : "Flashdance".

    Joey : Where this plumber chick...

    Chandler : She was a welder

    Joey : What, were you like *in* the movie?

  • Phoebe : No, huh uh, no way, I'm sorry, not gonna happen.

    Chandler : Whoa, whoa, prom night flashback.

  • Chandler : What? What? What is it? That she left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another woman that likes women?

    Ross : A little louder, okay? I think there's a man on the twelfth floor - in a COMA - who didn't hear you.

  • Chandler : [after accidentally spitting out gum whilst trying to blow a bubble to "charm" Jill Goodacre] 

    [thinks] 

    Chandler : Just reach over and pick it up...

    [discreetly picks up gum from table and pops it back in mouth] 

    Chandler : There we go! Good save! Now it's all good and you're... chewing someone else's gum. Oh, my God! Oh, my *God*!

    [suddenly starts to gag] 

    Chandler : And now you're choking.

    Jill Goodacre : [frowns]  Are you okay?

    [Chandler continues to choke and flashes a thumbs-up] 

  • [Rachel complaining about her father] 

    Rachel : Oh, it was horrible. He called me "young lady".

    Chandler : Ugh, I hate when my father calls me that.

  • Ross : This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year.

    Chandler : What, you never look down in the shower?

    [pause] 

    Chandler : Oh, please. I'm not allowed to make *one* joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?

  • [Joey enters wearing an elf costume. Chandler is in agony] 

    Chandler : Too many jokes. Must mock Joey.

  • [Chandler fell asleep, during Joey's movie. The credits roll, and Chandler wakes up] 

    Chandler : Great show. Good work, Joey.

    Joey : You liked it?

    Chandler : Liked it? I loved it.

    Joey : What did you like best about it?

    Chandler : I liked... everything the whole show.

    Joey : What about the specifics?

    Chandler : Specifics? Specifics were the best part.

    Joey : What about the scene with the kangaroo?

    Chandler : I... I was surprised to see a kangaroo in a World War I epic.

    Joey : You fell asleep. There was no kangaroo. They didn't take any of my suggestions.

  • [Chandler and Joey got two lawn chairs, a chick and a duck] 

    Chandler : Could we BE more white trash?

  • Chandler : The only way I would've said six would have been if I had said, "Let's meet at seven, not at six."

    Monica : The only way I would've said seven, would have been if I had said, 'Wow, my boyfriend is such a wiseass... Seven!'

  • Chandler : You know, I'm really glad we decided not to sleep together before the wedding.

    Monica : Me too.

    Chandler : You know, I was, uh, thinking. If you and I had a big fight and broke up for a few hours...

    Monica : Yeah?

    Chandler : Technically we could have sex again. So, what do you think... bossy and domineering?

    Monica : The wedding's off, sloppy and immature.

    [they get up] 

    Monica : Oh, wait. We can't, my cousin Cassie is in the guest room.

    Chandler : Well, get rid of her, obsessive and shrill.

    Monica : Shrill? The wedding's back on.

  • Chandler : All right. You guys don't have to stop having fun just 'cause I'm here. You don't have to feel bad, either. Kathy didn't cheat on all of you...

    [to Joey] 

    Chandler : Well, except you.

  • Chandler : All right, look if you absolutely have to tell her the truth, at least wait until the timing's right. And that's what deathbeds are for.

  • Susie : How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over?

    Chandler : Because I went to an all-boys high school and God is making up for it.

  • [to Ross] 

    Chandler : You know if your not careful, you could not get married at all this year.

  • Rachel : Hey, just so you know: it's *not* that common, it *doesn't* "happen to every guy, " and it *is* a big deal!

    Chandler : [pointing]  I *knew* it!

  • Rachel : [walking out of the bathroom]  Mon, I'm gonna to check my messages.

    Chandler : And you thought of that in there?

    Monica : Well, nature called and she wanted to see who else did.

  • Monica : Pack your things, we're going to Vegas.

    Chandler : You mean, we're just gonna elope? This is great. We're gonna save so much money. And, no more pain-in-the-ass planning.

    [Monicas stares at him] 

    Chandler : Oh, we're not going to elope. We have so much money, could our wedding please be bigger?

  • Chandler : [Monica thinks their maid stole her pants and bra]  Monica, come on do you really think that she would steal from us, then come back and wear it right in front of you?

    Monica : Don't you see? It's the PERFECT crime!

    Chandler : [acting as outraged as her]  She must have been planning this for years!

  • Ross : [receiving his Christmas gift]  You got me a cola drink.

    Chandler : And a LEMON LIME.

    Ross : You shouldn't have. I feel like I should get you another sweater.

    Joey : And last but not least.

    [Monica receives her gift] 

    Joey : They're RIBBED FOR YOUR PLEASURE.

  • Monica : Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts, and a wing.

    Chandler : How do you find clothes that fit?

  • Monica : [about Chandler's mother's new boyfriend]  So, how did you two meet?

    Nora Bing : Well, actually, it's a funny story...

    Chandler : Funny, "ha ha"? Or, funny-

    [makes a gun with his hand and pretends to blow his brains out] 

  • [Chandler and Joey emerge from the bathroom after hiding from a fight between Ross and Monica] 

    Chandler : That was pretty intense, huh?

    Joey : Yeah. Hey, I hope Ross didn't think that we just went in there because we were uncomfortable being out here.

    Chandler : I hope he did.

  • Chandler : Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream.

    Ross : Ah, the lesser known "I Don't Have a Dream" speech.

  • Joey : Oh, yeah. Go for it man, jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind.

    Chandler : Yeah, Joe, I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much peeing every which way.

  • Monica : Chandler, you're panicking!

    Chandler : Uh huh! Join me, won't you?

  • Chandler : ...And I'm not sure about this actor guy, because when he left a message and he heard my name "Chandler Bing", he said "Woah! Short message!"

  • [Referring to Janice] 

    Chandler : How can I dump this woman on Valentine's Day?

    Joey : I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's.

    Chandler : Oh man. In my next life I'm comin' back as a toilet brush.

    [Janice enters Central Perk] 

    Janice : [to Chandler]  Hello Funny Valentine.

    Chandler : Hello, Just Janice.

  • Ross : I figured after work, I'd pick up a bottle of wine, go over there, and try to... woo her.

    Chandler : Hey, you know what you should do? Take her back to the 1800's when that phrase was last used.

  • Chandler : I'm thinking of having an affair with your wife! Oh, you know what, I just did!

    Joey : Really?

    Chandler : No, freak show! She's fictional!

  • Monica : Chandler, it's okay. You don't have to be so macho all the time.

    Chandler : I'm not macho.

    Monica : You're right. I don't know what I was thinking.

  • Ross : My dad wanted to know if you wanted to play racquetball with us.

    Monica : Wow. That's great. Dad must really like you, he doesn't ask just anyone to play.

    Ross : Yeah and he didn't really ask for you, he asked for Chancy, I assumed he meant you.

    Chandler : Well, did-did you correct him?

    Ross : No, I-I thought it would be more fun this way.

  • Chandler : Can you see my nipples through this shirt?

    Rachel : No, but don't worry. I'm sure they're still there.

  • Chandler : Hey, you know, I have had it with you guys and your "cancer" and your "emphysema" and your "heart disease." The bottom line is smoking is cool and you know it.

  • [When asked if he knows anything about chicks] 

    Chandler : Fowl? No. Women?... No.

  • Ross : Oh, I gotta go, kids... I got Lamaze class.

    Chandler : Oh! And I got Earth Science but I'll catch you in gym?

  • Janice : It's a small world after all.

    Chandler : Yeah. And I still don't get bumped into Beyonce!

  • Monica : [Monica has refused to go out with Chandler]  Darn it! There's no more soda.

    Chandler : I'll go get some.

    Monica : Really?

    Chandler : Well, I would,

    [shouts] 

    Chandler : but I'm not your boyfriend!

  • [pounding a scone] 

    Ross : Stupid British snack food.

    Chandler : Did they teach you that in your anger management class?

  • Chandler : Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento. You, however have had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it. I don't think that was my point.

  • Joey : Hey, I got something for you.

    Chandler : What's this?

    Joey : Eight hundred and twelve bucks.

    Chandler : Well, I don't know what Big Leon told you but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night.

  • Chandler : I got a job in advertising. Well, not a paying job. More of an internship. But, they hire people they like.

    Joey : Yeah, we got interns on "Days of Our Lives".

    Chandler : Yeah, it's the same thing... except, less sex with you.

  • Chandler : [taking duck out in the hallway]  Now you stay out here and you think about what you did.

    Ross : That's a duck.

    Chandler : That's a bad duck.

  • Monica : [about the erogenous zones]  Now, most guys will hit uh, 1-2-3 and then go to 7 and set up camp.

    Chandler : That-that's bad?

    Rachel : Well if you go to Disneyland, you don't spend the whole day on the Materhorn.

    Chandler : Well you might if it were anything like 7.

  • [Chandler's drunk from having jello shots] 

    Monica : Stick out your tongue.

    Chandler : Take off your shirt.

  • Chandler : Now, honey, I know you don't like to relinquish control...

    Monica : Oh! Relinquish is just a fancy word for "lose"!

  • Monica : So you wanna?

    Chandler : OK.

    [pauses] 

    Chandler : I can't.

    Monica : [Snaps]  Well you're not 18 anymore, but give it a minute.

    Chandler : I can't because of Emma.

    Monica : Oh, Emma, Sweetie, I forgot you were here.

  • Chandler : Ding dong, the psycho's gone.

  • Joey : [to Ross]  Forget about Rachel. Go to China, eat Chinese food.

    Chandler : Of course there they'd just call it food.

  • [Ross looking at Monica's legs] 

    Ross : Wow.

    Chandler : Hey stop staring at my wife's legs. No, no, stop staring at your sister's legs

  • Joey : Just because she went to Yale drama, she thinks she's like the greatest actress since, since, sliced bread!

    Chandler : Ah, Sliced Bread, a wonderful Lady MacBeth.

    Joey : God, I just, I hate her! I hate her! With her, "Oh, I'm so talented." and "Oh, I'm so pretty," and "Ooh, I smell so good."

    Chandler : I think somebody has a crush on somebody.

    Joey : Hey, Chandler, can we please stay focused on my problem here? Y'know?

    Chandler : I'm talking about you. You big, big freak.

  • Eddie : [Chandler just asked him to move out]  This is kinda out of the blue, isn't it?

    Chandler : No, no, no. This isn't out of the blue. This is smack dab in the middle of the blue.

  • Phoebe : We can be guys. Come on, let us be guys.

    Chandler : You don't want to be guys, you'd be all hairy and you wouldn't live as long.

  • Chandler : [dancing and singing]  She's on the other line, gonna call me back, she's on the other line, gonna call me back.

    Monica : Don't you still have to pee?

    Chandler : That's why I'm dancing.

  • Ross : So, uh, what did the insurance company say?

    Chandler : Oh, they said uh, "You don't have insurance here so stop calling us."

  • Chandler : Where is Ross at? Hasn't he checked out yet?

    Monica : Are you kidding me? It's not 11:00 yet that means Ross still has 11 mins to check out of the hotel, and Ross has NEVER checked out of a hotel early.

    Rachel : Oh yeah that's right. One time Ross and I were at a hotel and we got a late check out... Ross was so happy it was the best sex we ever had!

    Phoebe : Ohhhhhhh!

    Rachel : That is until he screamed out RADISON at the end.

    Phoebe : Yeah that'll kill it.

  • [Chandler's trying to quit smoking] 

    Chandler : Eww, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock in my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too.

    Ross : Okay, I think it's time to change someone's nicotine patch.

    [does so] 

    Chandler : [deadpan]  Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now.

  • Monica : Wow. You're a really good kisser.

    Chandler : Well, I have kissed more than four women.

  • Chandler : Stay... stay. Good fake dog.

  • Chandler : Ew, ew, ew, ew ew ew ew ew. Ugly Naked Guy got a Thighmaster.

  • Chandler : [about Richard]  Oh hey listen, don't be mad at him, it's our fault. I'm sorry we've been hoggin so much of his time.

    Joey : Yeah, he's just really great to hang around with.

    Richard : Well...

    Joey : No, I'm serious. Chandler and I were just talkin' about this. He is so much cooler than our dads.

    [Chandler kicks, out of sight] 

    Joey : I mean, you know, our dads are okay, you know? But Richard is just- ow, ow.

    [to Chandler] 

    Joey : What are you kickin' me for, huh? I'm tryin' to talk here.

  • [after having sex with Rachel's boss] 

    Rachel : You promised you would break up with her.

    Chandler : I did break up with her. She just took it really, really well.

  • Phoebe : A plate of brownies once told me a Limerick.

    Chandler : Let me ask you, Phoebe: were these "funny brownies"?

    Phoebe : Not particularly. Although I do think they had pot in them.

  • Joey : Is Phoebe here with the cab yet?

    Chandler : Yeah, she brought the invisible cab. Jump in.

  • Chandler : Goodbye, you fruit drying psychopath.

  • [Joey is making marinara sauce and filling every container possible with it. Chandler enters] 

    Chandler : Whoa, whoa, so I'm guessing you didn't get the part... or Italy called and said it was hungry.

  • Chandler : What are you guys like a gang or something?

    [Joey whispers to Rachel] 

    Joey : Yeah, we are.

    [Rachel whispers to Joey] 

    Rachel : We're the Cobras.

  • Chandler : [talking to Monica about the new house]  When did you start crapping money?

  • Joey : How come we don't have jam at our place?

    Chandler : Because the kids need shoes.

  • Monica : Come on, I see you looking at other women's breasts all the time!

    Chandler : You see that?

    Monica : Do you see this?

    [opens her mouth and stares] 

    Monica : Duhhhhhh?

  • [Listening to Phoebe and Mike breaking up whilst holding a heavy sofa] 

    Chandler : Aaaaaand... Hernia.

  • Monica : You broke a little girl's leg?

    Ross : I know. I feel horrible. Okay.

    Chandler : [reading the paper]  Says here that a Muppet got whacked on Sesame Street last night.

    [to Ross] 

    Chandler : Where exactly were you around ten-ish?

  • [Upon learning he must move far away and commute to work] 

    Ross : Why, it's like I've been given the gift of time.

    Chandler : That's great. Last year I got the gift of space. We should get together and make a continuum.

  • [on thanksgiving day] 

    Chandler : So, when's the big game gonna start?

    Phoebe : You don't have to do that, Ross and Joey aren't here, you can watch the parade.

  • Monica : I am so jealous.

    Rachel : You guys are really just right there.Aren't you?

    Chandler : Yes... Right where?

    Monica : The beginning, where it's all sex and talking and sex and talking...

    Chandler : Yeah you gotta love the talking.

    Monica : And the sex?

    Chandler : Alright we hadn't have sex yet. Okay. What's the big deal?This is special. I want our love to grow before moving to the next level.

    Rachel : Oh, chandler, that is so nice.

    Ross : That is really nice... Lying! No way is that the reason.

    Rachel : Why? Just because you're not mature enough to understand something like that?

    Chandler : He's right. I'm totally lying.

    Monica : Then what is it?

    Chandler : Kathy's last boyfriend was Joey.

    Ross : And you're afraid you won't be able to fill his shoes?

    Chandler : No. I'm afraid I won't be able to make love as well as him.

    Ross : I was going for the metaphor.

    Chandler : Yes and I was saying the actual words.

    Monica : Big deal. So Joey has had a lot of girlfriends. That doesn't mean he's great in bed.

    Chandler : We share a wall. So either is great in bed, or she just liked to agree with him a lot.

    Monica : With you it's gonna be different. The sex is gonna be great because you guys are in love.

    Chandler : Yeah?

    Ross : Just go for it Chandler.

    Monica , Rachel : Yeah you should.

    Chandler : All right. All right. I'll sleep with my girlfriend. But I'm just doing it for you guys.

  • Chandler : You wanna tell secrets? Okay. In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers.

    Ross : All right. Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-a-like contest and won.

    Chandler : Ross came in fourth and cried.

    Ross : Chandler got drunk one night and slept with the woman who cleaned our dorm.

    Chandler : That was you.

    Ross : Whatever dude. You kissed a guy.

  • Joey : And you call yourself an accountant?

    Chandler : ...No.

  • [In response to a stupid comment] 

    Chandler : You have to stop the Q-Tip when there's resistance.

  • Rachel : So are things between you and Joey getting any better?

    Chandler : It couldn't get any worse. Last night, I spent eight hours calling him, trying to get him to talk to me.

    Rachel : Oh, wow. Eight hours. So you could probably really use one of those plug-in telephone headsets, huh?

    Ross : Should we all expect Christmas gifts that can be stolen from your office?

    Rachel : You shouldn't.

  • Jack Geller : I remember when we first got engaged.

    Chandler : Oh, I don't think I ever heard that story.

    Monica : Oh dad, really you don't need to...

    Jack Geller : [ignoring her]  Well, I'd gotten Judy pregnant. I still don't know that happened.

    Judy Geller : [incredulous]  You don't know how that happened? Your dog thought my diaphragm was a chew toy.

  • Joey : Anyway, I started working on what I'm gonna say at the ceremony, you wanna hear it?

    Monica , Chandler : Yeah!

    Joey : Now, listen, it's just the first draft so... "We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share. It is a love based on giving and receiving, as well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving, we too can share and love and have and receive."

    Chandler : [to Monica]  Shouldn't we call the spitter?

  • [In response to one of Joey's stupid comments] 

    Chandler : How do you not fall down more often?

  • Phoebe : Quit being so "testosterony".

    Chandler : ...The real San Francisco treat.

  • Chandler : Rachel, it's the Visa card people.

    Rachel : Oh, okay. Will you take my place?

    Chandler : All right.

    [on phone] 

    Chandler : Yes, this is Rachel.

  • Chandler : [to a woman]  Come on, I'll show you to my room... Wow, that sounds weird when it's not followed by "No thanks, it's late".

  • Chandler : And by the way, Count Rushmore doesn't exist.

    Joey : Oh yeah? Then who's the guy who painted all the faces on the mountain?

  • Julie : [Monica has told everyone about Chandler's third nipple]  You know, Chandler, in some cultures a third nipple is considered a mark of virility. The most desirable women dance naked around you so you can make your pick.

    Chandler : Ah, would any of these cultures be in the tri-state area?

    Julie : Sorry.

  • Phoebe : You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason.

    Chandler : Maureen Rosilla.

    Ross : "'Cause she doesn't hate Yanni" is not a real reason.

  • [talking to Monica] 

    Chandler : Yeah, I know it must be important to you when you start chattering like a monkey.

  • Chandler : You know what they say, ask your slippers a question... you're going crazy.

  • Chandler : You took your eggs and you left. Do you really expect me never to find new eggs?

  • Chandler : Where's Joey? His mom's on the phone.

    Monica : He's in the bathroom... I don't think you wanna go in there!

    Chandler : C'mon, we're roommates... Aaaaaaaagh! My eyes! My eyes!

  • Chandler : Am I sexy in Tulsa?

  • Ross : I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.

    Joey , Chandler : That's nice.

    Ross : No, no, with him. I'm on this field, and they, they hike me the baby. I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defense is comin' right at me.

    Joey : Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.

    Ross : Right, but, it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us. And so I uh, I just heave it downfield.

    Chandler : What are you crazy? That's a baby!

    Joey : He should take the sack?

    Ross : Anyway, suddenly I'm downfield, and I realize that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right? Only I know there is no way I'm gonna get there in time, so I am running, and running, and that, that is when I woke up. See, I am so not ready to be a father.

    Chandler : Hey, you're gonna be fine. You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America. You're gonna make a great dad.

    Joey : Yeah, Ross. You and the baby just need better blocking.

  • Chandler : Ok, I'm just going to go outside.

    Ross : Whoa, whoa, hold it.

    Chandler : Don't worry. I'm not going to run away again. I just want to get some fresh air.

    Ross : Ok.

    Chandler : [exits into hallway and lights a cigarette]  Ahh, fresh air...

  • Ross : Hey who is this Casey? Why's he calling Rachel?

    Chandler : Well I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance... You know make a little love... Well pretty much get down tonight...

    Ross : [puts message in cupboard] 

  • Ross : You guys won't believe what I have to do for work today!

    Chandler : Yes, but Ross you chose a career of talking about dinosaurs.

  • [Chandler is caught smoking] 

    Phoebe : Oh, I can't believe you. You've been so good, for three years.

    Chandler : And this- is my reward.

    Ross : Hold on a second, all right? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit.

    Chandler : Okay, so this time I won't quit.

  • Monica : Look, Chandler, I feel really bad about this. Please have this bachelor party.

    Chandler : No.

    Monica : Stop being a baby and watch the hot woman get naked.

    Chandler : ...All right.

    Joey : YEAH.

    Chandler : But, I'm only doing this for you... And Joey.

    Monica : Ok, so who's going to be there?

    Chandler : No, no, no. Just Ross and Joey is humiliating enough.

    Ross : Well, actually, I have a date tonight.

    Chandler : Yeah, I understand. What kind of guy would blow off a date for a fake bachelor party.

    Joey : [on cell phone]  Yeah, baby, I'm not gonna make it tonight...

  • Phoebe : Hey. Why isn't it Spidermen? You know, like Goldmen, Silvermen.

    Chandler : Because, it... it's not his last name.

    Phoebe : It isn't?

    Chandler : No. It's not like Phil Spidermen. He's a spider *man*. You know, like Goldmen is a last name but there's no gold man.

    Phoebe : Oh, oh okay...

    Phoebe : There should *be* a gold man!

  • Chandler : I know they call this a love seat but I'm not feeling anything special towards you...

    Ross : [takes newspaper... folds it up... faces Chandler... and hits him... ] 

  • Chandler : I am holding up these cushions as a symbol of my remorse! Though you may haveth anger now...

  • Chandler : [conflicted over Kathy]  That's no good, I'm starting to yearn!

  • Chandler : Well actually, gum would be perfection.

    [voice over] 

    Chandler : Gum would be perfection? Where did that come from? Coulda said thanks, coulda said I'll have a stick but no, for me, gum would be perfection. I loathe myself.

  • Chandler : [Name the 50 States Game]  If you can't do it you can't do it. That's the great thing about this game, it makes you want to kill yourself.

  • Chandler : At least your middle name isn't Murial!

    Ross : Chandler M Bing? Your parents never gave you a chance, did they?

  • Chandler : [can't talk Phoebe's boyfriend out of moving in with her]  Were your parents HAPPY or something?

  • Susie : You know why I like you?

    Chandler : Because my parents sent me to an all-boys Boarding School and now God is making up for it?

  • Chandler : When I get back it's going to be Chair City, and I'll be the one who's sitting on chairs!

  • Joey : Want some jam?

    Chandler : No thanks, I just had a jar of mustard.

  • Mona : Thanks for showing me your semi-precious stone collection. You got 300 of them. It was fascinating. So, we still on for tonight?

    Ross : Sure.

    Mona : Ok. Bye.

    Ross : Bye.

    Chandler : [to Ross]  Wow, you must be great in bed.

  • Ross : The door's closed! I can't see anything with the door closed!

    Chandler : And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.

  • Chandler : Did you do it on our invitations?

    Ross : Not on the ones we sent out.

    Chandler : Oh, so it was on the ones, we had framed.

  • Ross : I want someone who gets my heart pounding

    [sees Rachel] 

    Ross : ... Someone who...

    Chandler : Little play things with yarn?

    Ross : What?

    Chandler : Could you want her more?

    Ross : Who?

    Chandler : Dee the sarcastic sister from "What's Happening".

  • Chandler : You kissed my best Ross!

  • Chandler : So, is he house trained or is he going to leave little bathroom tiles all over the place?

  • Chandler : Do you have the revised Annual Network Usage Summary?

    Colleague : We haven't seen an ANUS this bad since the 70s.

  • Chandler : [Everyone's hugging]  Aw... oh that's right, I have no-one.

  • Chandler : Go with the Egg, my friend!

  • Colleague : Now, Chandler, I'm going to need this back on Tuesday.

    Chandler : If you say so, Sir.

  • Chandler : We just think Emily might be being a bit... unreasonable.

    Joey : [pointing]  Yes! Yes! Unreasonable!

  • Chandler : [making fun of TV]  Oh she should not be wearing those pants! I say push her down the stairs!

  • Chandler : Full bag... warm bowl... something horrible must have happened here!

  • Chandler : You made my girlfriend think!

  • Chandler : You know, you're a great guy, Richard.

    Richard : Yeah. I hate that.

  • Chandler : When I get back it'll be Chair City, and I'll be the one who's sitting on Chairs!

  • Joey : [Chandler and Joey are sightseeing in London]  Alright! Westminster Abbey. Hands down. Best Abbey I ever seen.

    [Joey gets out his digital camera so he can take Chandler's picture in front of the Abbey] 

    Joey : Hey! Ok. What do you think of the Abbey, Chandler?

    Chandler : Yeah, I think it's great. It's great. You know, they're thinking of changing the name of this place.

    Joey : Really? To what?

    Chandler : To put the camera away!

    Joey : Man, you are Westminster Crabby.

  • Chandler : [Drunk, Ross and Chandler's famous romance-author Mother kissed]  I expect this from her, she's always been a Freudian nightmare.

  • Rachel : Come on, Monica! They are Cute Doctors.

    [gesture] 

    Rachel : Doctors who are

    [gesture] 

    Rachel : Cute!

    Chandler : So what have we learned so far? Rachel, what's all this about you and Doctors? I mean, was your Father a Doctor?

    Rachel : ...Yes.

  • Chandler : Who's the Bitterest man in the living room/ the Bitterest man in the living room? Hello, Neighbour!

  • Chandler : Big head, big head, big head!

  • Joey : You know what the best thing about marriage is? Waking up next to the same face every morning, until the sweet release of death.

    Chandler : This is the worst Batchelor Party ever!

  • Chandler : I was being Shelley Winters from the Poseidon Adventure.

    Ross : I know.

  • Chandler : Hell is full of people like you.

  • Monica : That was close.

    Chandler : Yes, you almost over-reacted to something.

  • Chandler : He said "Hey Todd, want a donut?" And I wanted a donut. So now it's five years later, the donut's gone, and I'm still Todd.

  • Chandler : Something funny about sneakers.

  • Monica : You like having baths with me!

    Chandler : [an American]  It's not the bath I like, it's the wet naked Lady!

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs


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