Friends (TV Series 1994–2004) Poster

(1994–2004)

Lisa Kudrow: Phoebe Buffay, Ursula Buffay

Photos 

Quotes 

  • Phoebe : Look, I had a hard life. My mother was killed by a drug dealer.

    Monica : Phoebe, your mom killed herself.

    Phoebe : She was a drug dealer.

  • [after hearing about Chandlers breakup with Janice] 

    Phoebe : Where's Chandler?

    Joey : He's grieving.

    [We see Chandler running outside] 

    Chandler : I'M FREE. I AM FREE.

  • Phoebe : [Right after playing a song in the coffee shop ]  If you want to receive e-mails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer.

  • [Rachel is upset about something] 

    Phoebe : Aww Pheebs.

    Rachel : Honey, that's your name.

    Phoebe : Oh, Pheebs is short for Phoebe I thought that's just what we called each other.

  • Phoebe : Ok, I got an idea. If it's a girl, Phoebe, naturally. And, if it's a boy... Phoebo.

    Ross : Uhh... Sure, but let's not limit ourselves to just one name.

    Rachel : Ok, I got one. If it's a girl... Sandrine. It's French.

    Ross : That's a great name... for an industrial solvent.

    Rachel : Ok, you got a better one?

    Ross : Yeah, check this out. If it's a boy - Darwin.

    Rachel : Yes, Ross, I do want a son who'll be regularly beaten in the schoolyard.

    Phoebe : By Sandrine.

  • [Chandler's roommate, Eddie has just accused him of sleeping with his ex girlfriend and killing his fish] 

    Phoebe : Why would you kill his fish?

    Chandler : Because, Phoebe, sometimes after you sleep with someone you have to kill a fish.

  • Phoebe : I'm going to get a coffee. Anybody want anything?

    Monica : I'll have a latte.

    Ross : I'll have a blueberry muffin, with a decaf.

    Chandler : I'll have a bagel with a little...

    Phoebe : You know I was just being polite.

  • [Re: "If you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?"] 

    Monica : Sex!

    Chandler : Seriously. Answer faster.

    Monica : I'm sorry, sweetie. When she said "sex" I wasn't thinking of sex with you.

    Chandler : It's like a big hug.

    Phoebe : Ross, how about you? Sex or food?

    Ross : Sex!

    Phoebe : What about sex or dinosaurs?

    Ross : My God, it's like Sophie's Choice.

    Phoebe : Joey, if you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?

    Joey : I don't know it's too hard.

    Rachel : Come on, you have to answer.

    Joey : Okay... sex. No, food. No, uh... I want both! I want girls on bread!

  • [Phoebe, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are trapped in Monica's bedroom] 

    Joey : I'm hungry.

    Phoebe : We could eat the wax. It's organic.

    Chandler : Oh great, food with hair on it.

    Phoebe : No, not the used wax.

    Chandler : Because THAT would be crazy.

  • Phoebe : Chandler still thinks I'm pregnant and he hasn't asked me how I'm feeling or offered to carry my bags. I feel bad for the woman who ends up with him.

  • Ross : I love marriage.

    Phoebe : Seriously? You?... Divorce-O?

  • Phoebe : They're coming. Run!

    Joey : Where?

    Phoebe : Mexico!

  • [after settling a fight between Monica and Rachel] 

    Phoebe : Hey, if we were in prison, you guys would be like my bitches.

  • [Ross and Rachel are picking out names for their baby, and have each 5 vetoes] 

    Ross : Curie.

    Rachel : Veto. Rain.

    Ross : Veto. Mark.

    Rachel : Veto. Vince.

    Ross : Veto. Lance.

    Rachel : Veto. James.

    Ross : Hmmm...

    Rachel : If it's a girl.

    Ross : Veto.

    Phoebe : Is it just me, or is Vito beginning to sound real good?

  • [a ritual to get rid of bad-boyfriend karma] 

    Phoebe : Okay, now we need the sage branches and the sacramental wine.

    Monica : All I have is oregano and a Fresca.

    Phoebe : That's okay.

    [Adds them] 

    Phoebe : All right, now we need the semen of a righteous man.

    Rachel : OK, Pheebs, you know what? If we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place.

  • Phoebe : I may play the fool at times but I'm a little more than just a pretty blonde girl with an ass that won't quit.

  • Phoebe : [explaining to Mike's parents and friends her song]  And then it goes back to the chorus, "Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault" and that's it.

    [pause] 

    Phoebe : I know you didn't ask but no-one had spoken for fourteen minutes.

  • Joey : Could you close that window? My nipples could cut glass over here.

    Phoebe : Really? Mine get me out of tickets.

  • Monica : What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it.

    Joey : Yeah, right!... Y'serious?

    Phoebe : Oh, yeah!

    Rachel : Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.

    Monica : Absolutely.

    Chandler : Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.

    Ross : Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket.

    Chandler : The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake.

  • [doing a crossword puzzle] 

    Ross : Heating device.

    Phoebe : Radiator.

    Ross : Five letters.

    Phoebe : Rdatr.

  • Ross : [leaning over and talking to Rachel's lap]  I can't wait to play with you all day, and to hear your first words.

    Phoebe : [wide eyed]  Why are you letting him talk to your crotch that way?

    Rachel : He's talking to the baby.

    Phoebe : Oh, that's good. Because when I heard, "I can't wait to hear your first words" I thought, "Boy that's some trick!"

  • Phoebe : Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap, asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap. He said all you need is to write them a song. Now you haven't heard it yet, so don't try to sing along. No don't sing along. Monica, Monica, have a happy Hannukah. I saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross. And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy. And Rachel and Chandler... have a

    [mumble] 

    Phoebe : handlerrrrr.

  • [a beautiful women is checking out Chandler] 

    Phoebe : [stands up]  Ok, I need to get this right so give me a sec...

    [clears throat and talks in a deep voice] 

    Phoebe : Yo, dude. Eleven o'clock, totally hot babe checkin' you out.

  • Rachel : How about for a girl, Rain?

    Ross : Rain? "Hi, my name is Rain. I have my own kiln and my dress is made out of wheat."

    Phoebe : I know her!

  • Phoebe : No, huh uh, no way, I'm sorry, not gonna happen.

    Chandler : Whoa, whoa, prom night flashback.

  • Phoebe : [Rachel's hormones are raging]  She's going through her fourth month of pregnancy. Remember when I was in my fourth month?

    Monica : Yes, that was the Evander Holyfield period. You know, you were so hard up, you even came on to me.

    Phoebe : Did not!

    Monica : Yes, you did.

    [puts on a seductive look] 

    Monica : Listen, Phoebe, I could have had you if I had wanted you.

    Phoebe : Oh, yeah? Well, bring it on.

    [blows Monica a kiss] 

    Rachel : Guys! Stop it! This is even turning me on!

  • Rachel : Oh, honey. Don't get up. What do you need?

    Phoebe : Oh, no. Oh, nothing.

    Rachel : Come on. I am here to take care of you. What do you need? Anything.

    Phoebe : Okay, I have a wedgie.

    Rachel : Okay, that is all you.

  • Joey : Heh. Let me get this straight. He got you to *beg* to sleep with him. He got you to say he *never* has to call you again. And he got you thinking this is a *great* idea?

    Phoebe : [weakly]  Uh-huh.

    Joey : This man is my God!

  • Phoebe : Well, I'm a pacifist. But, when the revolution comes, I'll destroy all of you.

    [pause] 

    Phoebe : Except for you, Joey.

  • Joey : Pheebs, you wanna help?

    Phoebe : Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.

  • Phoebe : Today is Mike and my one year anniversary.

    Rachel : Oh! What's it the anniversary of? Your first date? Your first kiss? The first time you had sex?

    Phoebe : Yeah!

  • Ross : Hey, Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart? Pheebs?

    Phoebe : Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart?

    Ross : Hey, I might.

  • Phoebe : I remember the day I got my first paycheck. There was a cave-in in one of the mines, and eight people were killed.

    Monica : Wow, you - you worked in a mine?

    Phoebe : No, I worked in a Dairy Queen. Why?

  • Phoebe : Oh, look. Ugly Naked Guy is decorating his Christmas tree. Wow, you should see the size of his Christmas balls.

  • Phoebe : Charlotte? You know, with the web? She has babies, then she dies. It's like, "Hey, mom, welcome home from the hospital." THUD.

  • Rachel : I've never asked a guy out before.

    Phoebe : You've never asked a guy out?

    Rachel : No. Have you?

    Phoebe : Thousands of times. That doesn't make me sound too good, does it?

  • Phoebe : A person's wedding is important. And especially to me. OK? I didn't have a graduation party. And I didn't go to Prom. And I spent my sweet sixteen being chased round a tyre yard by an escaped mental patient who in his own words wanted to "kill me, or whatever." So I deserve a real celebration and I am not gonna let some sweaty little man make me feel badly about it.

  • Monica : I'll never have a first kiss again.

    Phoebe : You'll have a last kiss.

  • [after observing a short fight between Rachel and Ross] 

    Phoebe : That's it? "We were on a break." "No we weren't." What happened to you two?

  • Rachel : [looking sad after finding out Joey's girlfriend, Kristin was just a loner, not looking for a serious relationship, when Rachel and Phoebe wanted their realtionship to work]  Well, I guess it wasn't Cupid that brought her here after all.

    Phoebe : No, just another regular flying dwarf.

  • Reporter : I like that. what's your name?

    [pointing tape recorder at Pheobe] 

    Phoebe : Pheobe. That's, P, as in Phoebe, H, as in heobe, O as in oebe, E, as in ebe, B, as in bebe, and E as in... Ello there mate.

  • Rachel : How do we end up with these jerks? We're good people.

    Monica : Maybe we're like some kind of magnets.

    Phoebe : I know I am. That's why I can't wear a digital watch.

    Monica : There's more beer right?

  • Rachel : Didn't the chick and the duck di...

    Phoebe : -ve, dive. Yeah, they dove. Head first into fun on the farm.

  • Phoebe : [sings]  Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? / Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault!

  • Phoebe : [singing]  Jingle bitch screwed me over. Go to hell jingle whore. Go to hell, go to hell, go to hell.

  • Ross : I think it'll be a boy.

    Phoebe : I think it'll be a girl.

    Ross : Phoebe, you thought Ben would be a girl.

    Phoebe : Have you seen him throw a ball?

  • [about Ross being in love with Rachel] 

    Phoebe : This is big. No this is huge. No this is like really really... all right what's bigger than huge?

    Joey : Uh, this?

    Phoebe : Yeah.

  • [Monica and Chandler come back from London] 

    Phoebe : Oh, my god. You had sex.

    Monica : No, we didn't.

    Phoebe : [to Chandler]  I know YOU didn't, I'm saying she did.

  • Monica : What about friends of your grandmother's? Wouldn't they have the recipe?

    Phoebe : Well, you know I may have relatives in France who would know. My grandmother said she got the recipe from her grandmother,

    [trying to pronounce her name in French] 

    Phoebe : Nestlé Toulouse.

    Monica : What was her name?

    Phoebe : [again trying to pronounce it in French]  Nestlé Toulehouse.

    Monica : Nestle Toll House?

    Phoebe : Oh, you Americans always butcher the French language.

  • Phoebe : Come on Ross, you're a paleontologist, dig a little deeper.

  • Joey : Hey, you know, you could always visit him.

    Phoebe : Oh, right, like they're going to let me have a passport?

  • Phoebe : My mom used to stick her head in the oven. Actually she only did it the once, but it was pretty weird.

  • Phoebe : There was a crooked man, who had a crooked smile, who lived in a shoe, for a... while...

  • [Phoebe thinks Joey has a crush on her] 

    Phoebe : Look, Joey, I know about your feelings.

    Joey : Oh, you do?

    Phoebe : Yeah, and I don't think it could happen.

    Joey : I know. I mean it's not just my friend Rachel, it's my pregnant with Ross's child friend Rachel.

    Phoebe : Uhh... Yeah, Rachel, I mean you two are friends.

    [under her breath] 

    Phoebe : Kick me in the stomach why don't you.

    Joey : What?

    Phoebe : Nothing. You know, maybe it's just a crush, it doesn't mean you love her.

    Joey : You think?

    Phoebe : Yeah. I mean I've had them for you guys... except for Ross and Chandler. I'm sure you had them for us before, right?

    Joey : No, not really.

    Phoebe : [under her breath]  Throw me a friggin' bone here, will ya?

  • Phoebe : What happens to the old Christmas trees?

    Joey : They go into the chipper.

    Phoebe : Why do I get the feeling that's not as happy as it sounds?

  • Joey : They want me to do frontal nudity. I can't do that. My grandmother's gonna see that movie.

    Phoebe : Well, grandma's gonna have to get in line.

    [winks at Joey] 

  • Rachel : You gotta come with me!

    Phoebe : Come where?

    Rachel : Wherever I go! Come on! You and me. We'll... we'll start a new group! We're the best ones!

    Phoebe : Okay, but try and get Joey, too.

  • Phoebe : Sting's pen...

    [as she puts it in her purse] 

    Phoebe : ... that he gave to Phoebe.

  • Monica : [to everybody]  We have to talk.

    Phoebe : Oh, I'm getting a deja-vous. All right no I'm not.

    Monica : All right, we have to talk.

    Phoebe : There it is.

  • Phoebe : We can be guys. Come on, let us be guys.

    Chandler : You don't want to be guys, you'd be all hairy and you wouldn't live as long.

  • Chandler : Where is Ross at? Hasn't he checked out yet?

    Monica : Are you kidding me? It's not 11:00 yet that means Ross still has 11 mins to check out of the hotel, and Ross has NEVER checked out of a hotel early.

    Rachel : Oh yeah that's right. One time Ross and I were at a hotel and we got a late check out... Ross was so happy it was the best sex we ever had!

    Phoebe : Ohhhhhhh!

    Rachel : That is until he screamed out RADISON at the end.

    Phoebe : Yeah that'll kill it.

  • [Phoebe and her ex-boyfriend David meet again after a few years of being apart] 

    Phoebe : You got a haircut.

    David : Yeah, well, I got like, thirty of 'em.

  • [talking about engagement presents for Monica and Chandler] 

    Rachel : Oh, y'know what you should get 'em? One of those little uh, portable CD players.

    Monica : Oh, I already have one.

    Phoebe : Not unless someone borrowed it and left it at the gynecologist.

    Rachel : Yeah, and-and-and by someone, she means Joey.

  • Phoebe : Hey, can we turn on the TV? I think it's raining outside.

  • Phoebe : I think the most romantic song is the one that Elton John wrote for that guy from "who's the Boss?"

    Monica : Which one was that?

    Phoebe : You know, uh, "Hold me closer, Tony Danza... ".

  • Phoebe : Hello, my name is Clunkers. May I please stay with you nice people?

  • Phoebe : A plate of brownies once told me a Limerick.

    Chandler : Let me ask you, Phoebe: were these "funny brownies"?

    Phoebe : Not particularly. Although I do think they had pot in them.

  • [on thanksgiving day] 

    Chandler : So, when's the big game gonna start?

    Phoebe : You don't have to do that, Ross and Joey aren't here, you can watch the parade.

  • Phoebe : You still love Rachel.

    Ross : No, I don't.

    Phoebe : You got married to her.

    Ross : In Vegas. I was so drunk, I could've married Joey.

    Phoebe : [angry]  Hey. You could do a lot worse than Joey Tribianni.

  • Monica : Can you help me fold these napkins?

    Phoebe : Sure.

    Monica : I'm gonna go across the hall and check on the yams.

    [Notices the way Pheobe is folding the napkins] 

    Monica : No... no honey... Not like that, we're not a barn dance. You wanna fold them like swans like I showed you at Christmas, remember?

    Phoebe : Yeah. It all came screaming back to me.

  • Phoebe : Quit being so "testosterony".

    Chandler : ...The real San Francisco treat.

  • Phoebe : Soap Opera Digest. That's one of my favorite digests.

  • Ross : Rachel won't talk to me. She won't even let me in the apartment.

    Phoebe : Hmmm, I wonder why, pervert?

    Ross : I'm not a pervert.

    Phoebe : Please, that's the pervert motto. They have you raise your right hand, put your left hand in your pants and say that.

  • [Rachel, Phoebe and Joey have just found out that Chandler, Ross and Monica went to an after party with Hootie and the Blowfish] 

    Phoebe : What's on your neck?

    Monica : That? That would be the work of a Blowfish.

  • Phoebe : You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason.

    Chandler : Maureen Rosilla.

    Ross : "'Cause she doesn't hate Yanni" is not a real reason.

  • Rachel : I've never been to an analyst!

    Phoebe : And it shows.

  • Phoebe : It's raining. I don't like to fly in the rain.

    Joey : Oh, I'm going to go for a walk in the rain.

    Rachel : Oh... me too!

    Phoebe : Huh! I bet they're doing it!

  • Phoebe : And then what happened?

    The Duck : [flaps its wings] 

    Phoebe : Ooooh!

    [Joey comes in] 

    Phoebe : Hi Joey!

    [she puts the duck on the floor] 

    Phoebe : This isn't over!

  • Shrink Boyfriend : Come on, tell me about it.

    Phoebe : [Lies down]  Well, it's my friends. They have a liking problem. With you. In that... they don't.

    Shrink Boyfriend : Oh.

    Phoebe : But I do! Me, Phoebe.

    Shrink Boyfriend : Well, I can't say I'm surprised. It's what I've come to expect from this kind of co-dependent, dysfunctional group dynamic, this sitting around in your Coffee House drinking from Cups which, I'm sorry, may as well have nipples on them! Saying "Oh, define me, define me! Love me, I need love!"

    [they break up] 

  • Rachel : [Referring to Ross's new girlfriend]  Ooh look, she's touching his leg.

    Phoebe : Oh you see, that's probably nothing she's very sexually aggressive.

  • [Chandler is caught smoking] 

    Phoebe : Oh, I can't believe you. You've been so good, for three years.

    Chandler : And this- is my reward.

    Ross : Hold on a second, all right? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit.

    Chandler : Okay, so this time I won't quit.

  • Phoebe : [Imitating someone really annoying]  "Oh, I slept with Billy Joel." Who hasn't?

  • Phoebe : Hey. Why isn't it Spidermen? You know, like Goldmen, Silvermen.

    Chandler : Because, it... it's not his last name.

    Phoebe : It isn't?

    Chandler : No. It's not like Phil Spidermen. He's a spider *man*. You know, like Goldmen is a last name but there's no gold man.

    Phoebe : Oh, oh okay...

    Phoebe : There should *be* a gold man!

  • Phoebe : Oh, my God! The foster puppets!

  • Phoebe : It's because of stuff like this that you're BURNING IN HELL!

  • Phoebe : Please don't kill yourself. My mother did, I know what I'm talking about. And besides, I wasn't even meant to be working today. Don't you see that the Universe wants you to live?

    Suicidal Guy who doesn't need Toner : [shouts at his coworkers]  Do you hear that? I don't need you people. The Universe cares about me! The whole Universe! Ha-ha-ha!

    [They ignore him. To Phoebe] 

    Suicidal Guy who doesn't need Toner : I wish they cared a little bit...

  • Rachel : Yes, Phoebe, but Jack gave up a Cow, and I gave up an Orthodontist!

    Phoebe : Did you love him?

    Rachel : No.

    Phoebe : Well, there you go, Jack loved the Cow.

  • Phoebe : You know, we thought you were different. But I guess it was just the coma.

  • Phoebe : You know, this reminds me of the time I was living on the street and this guy said he'd buy me food if I slept with him. Because that was a real problem and this is just some High School crap.

  • Phoebe : There's no such thing as an innocent Burger.

  • Phoebe : We're... just saying Goodbye to the Hotel. We LOVE you, Paradise Hotel, Golf Resort and Spa!

  • Phoebe : Are you kidding, that woman has the nose of a bloodhound! And the breasts of a Greek Goddess...

  • Phoebe : [singing in the Hospital]  At first they're so cute and soft to the touch/ Then they grow up and resent you so much/ Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why/ and you cry and you cry and you cry/ and you cry and you cry and you cry and you cry... Thanks Ross!

    Ross : I'm paying you to STOP!

  • Phoebe : PICK UP THE SOCK! PICK UP THE SOCK! PICK UP THE SOCK!

  • Phoebe : Stop, you guys! Look what you're doing to Chandler!

  • Phoebe : Leave me behind! I'm just a machine!

  • Phoebe : [making fun of TV]  If I don't hold my hair, my head will fall off.

  • Phoebe : I've done some research, and it turns out mink aren't very nice.

  • Rachel : Does this look like something the girlfriend of a paleontologist would wear?

    Phoebe : I don't know, you might be the first one.

  • Phoebe : [Chandler's run off]  Come on, Ross we've got to think like Chandler!

    Ross : So where's the one place he'd never expect us to look?

    [Scene Cuts] 

    Ross : So THIS is your Office?

  • Ross : "Ooh, I must Take a Mental Picture"!

    Phoebe : You were making fun of Parker? Okay so he's Positive and Energetic and maybe that's a bit much, but I like that about him. You wanna know what I think? I think your collective dating record reads like a Who's Who of Human Crap!

    Ross : ...What was wrong with Mona?

  • Joey : Do you want to hear something weird?

    Phoebe : Always!

  • Phoebe : I just gave birth to three children and I will not see them grow up in a World where Joey is right!

  • Frank Buffay Jr. : No, it was perfect. Telling you about my likes and dislikes. How I like to melt things and dislike things that don't melt. A hooker tried to break my arm.

    Phoebe : She's not a hooker.

    Frank Buffay Jr. : Yes, but when I tell my friends about it later, she WILL BE a hooker.

  • Phoebe : Boobs will help us figure it out.

  • Phoebe : I'm not going to let that man make you eat your Baby.

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs


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