- Robin Hood: I've come to warn you that if you do not stop levying these evil taxes, I shall lead the good people of England in a revolt against you.
- Prince John: And why should the people listen to you?
- Robin Hood: Because, unlike some other Robin Hoods, I can speak with an English accent.
- [referring to the then-recent blockbuster Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, in which Kevin Costner played the role with an American accent]
- Robin Hood: As my first order of business, I would like to appoint a new Sheriff... my friend Ahchoo.
- Crowd: A black sheriff?
- Blinkin: He's black?
- Ahchoo: And why not? It worked in Blazing Saddles.
- Prince John: Such an unusual name, "Latrine." How did your family come by it?
- Latrine: We changed it in the 9th century.
- Prince John: You mean you changed it TO "Latrine"?
- Latrine: Yeah. Used to be "Shithouse."
- Prince John: It's a good change. That's a good change!
- Robin Hood: Blinkin, listen to me. They've taken the castle!
- Blinkin: I thought it felt a bit drafty. Cor, this never would have happened if your father was alive.
- Robin Hood: He's dead?
- Blinkin: Yes...
- Robin Hood: And my mother?
- Blinkin: She died of pneumonia while...
- [Remembers]
- Blinkin: Oh, you were away!
- Robin Hood: My brothers?
- Blinkin: There were all killed by the plague.
- Robin Hood: My dog, Pongo?
- Blinkin: Run over by a carriage.
- Robin Hood: My goldfish, Goldie?
- Blinkin: Eaten by the cat.
- Robin Hood: [on the verge of tears] My cat?
- Blinkin: Choked on the goldfish.
- [pause]
- Blinkin: Oh, it's good to be home, ain't it, Master Robin?
- Rabbi Tuckman: Excuse me, King. Why, if you like this guy so much, do you object to his marrying Maid Marian?
- King Richard: I have no objection, but I have not yet kissed the bride. It is a custom, and my royal right.
- [hands the rabbi his sword]
- King Richard: Hold this, Father.
- Rabbi Tuckman: Rabbi.
- King Richard: Whatever.
- [tilts Maid Marian and gives her a very long kiss]
- Rabbi Tuckman: [impressed] It's good to be the king.
- King Richard: Now...
- [voice squeaking]
- King Richard: *you* may marry them!
- Rabbi Tuckman: Thank you. Here's your knife.
- King Richard: Sword.
- Rabbi Tuckman: Whatever.
- Robin Hood: Blinkin, I'd like you to meet Ahchoo.
- Blinkin: A Jew? Here?
- Robin Hood: No no, not a Jew. Ahchoo.
- Merry Men: [singing] We're men / We're men in tights / We roam around the forest looking for fights / We're men / We're men in tights / We rob from the rich and give to the poor / That's right! / We may look like sissies / But watch what you say / Or else we'll put out your lights / We're men / We're men in tights / Always on guard / Defending the people's rights / We're men / Manly men! / We're men in tights / Yes! / We roam around the forest looking for fights / We're men / We're men in tights / We rob from the rich and give to the poor / That's right! / We may look like pansies / But don't get us wrong / Or else we'll put out your lights / We're men / We're men in tights / *Tight tights* / Always on guard / Defending the people's rights / When you're in a fix / Just call for the men in tights / We're butch!
- Blinkin: Oh Master Robin!
- [hugging a replica statue of the Venus de Milo]
- Blinkin: You lost your arms in battle! But you grew some nice boobs.
- Robin Hood: Blinkin, I'm over here.
- Maid Marian: I've come to warn you, Prince John and Rottingham have hired men to kill you at the fair tomorrow. You musn't go.
- Robin Hood: Well, that's easy. I won't.
- Maid Marian: Oh, I'm so happy! They were going to try to lure you there by having an archery contest.
- Robin Hood: An archery contest?
- Maid Marian: Their archer is unbeatable.
- Robin Hood: Really?
- Maid Marian: Robin, promise you won't go.
- Robin Hood: All right, I promise you won't go.
- Maid Marian: Thank you.
- [stops for a second, confused]
- Ahchoo: But wait a minute, Robin, didn't you just...
- Robin Hood: Cool it...
- Ahchoo: Chilled.
- Robin Hood: You are entering the territory of Robin Hood and his Merry Men.
- Rabbi Tuckman: Faygeles?
- [clears their throats, trying to act macho]
- Robin Hood: No, no. We're straight. Just... merry.
- Rabbi Tuckman: As I. And who are you, with the exceptionally long feather in your hat?
- Robin Hood: I am Robin of Loxley.
- Rabbi Tuckman: Robin of Loxley? I've just come from Maid Marian, the woman whose heart you've stolen, you prince of thieves, you! I knew her parents before they were taken in the plague, Lord and Lady Bahgel. You know, you two were made for each other. I mean, what a combination. Loxley and Bahgel! It can't miss!
- Sheriff of Rottingham: Sire, I have news!
- Prince John: And what sort of news do you have? It's not bad news, is it? You know I can't take bad news. The day started out so good. I had a good night's sleep, I had a good B.M. I don't want to hear any bad news. So, what kind of news is it?
- Sheriff of Rottingham: Well, to be perfectly frank, it's bad.
- Prince John: [shouts] I knew it! I knew it would be bad news. Wait, I have an idea. Maybe if you tell me the *bad* news in a *good* way, it wouldn't sound so bad.
- Sheriff of Rottingham: [thinking] The bad news in a good way. Yes, I can do that. The bad news in a good way. Well, here it goes.
- [hysterically]
- Sheriff of Rottingham: W-wait till you hear this! I just saw Robin of Locksley, he's back from the crusades.
- [laughs]
- Sheriff of Rottingham: You know, he just beat the *crap* out of me and my men.
- [laughs]
- Sheriff of Rottingham: He hates you and he loves your brother, Richard!
- [laughs]
- Sheriff of Rottingham: And...
- [laughs]
- Sheriff of Rottingham: ... he wants to see you hanged!
- [laughs]
- Sheriff of Rottingham: We, we're in a lot of trouble!
- [laughs and snorts loudly]
- Prince John: [furious] What, are you crazy? Why are you laughing? This is terrible news!
- Sheriff of Rottingham: [taking off his leather glove and slapping Robin with it] I challenge you to a duel.
- Robin Hood: [picking an iron gauntlet up from the dinner table and smacking Rottingham across the face with it, knocking him down] I accept!
- Sheriff of Rottingham: That's going to cost you, Loxley.
- Robin Hood: Please, put it on my bill.
- Sheriff of Rottingham: So, it's come down to this, has it? A fight to the death. Mano a mano, man to man. Just you and me and my *GUARDS*!
- [Blinkin, the blind man, is up in a perch looking out for strangers]
- Robin Hood: Blinkin! What are you doing?
- Blinkin: Guessing. I guess no one's coming.
- Sheriff of Rottingham: King illegal forest to pig wild kill in it a is!
- Robin Hood, Maid Marian: What?
- Sheriff of Rottingham: I mean, don't you know it's illegal to kill a wild pig in the king's forest?
- Robin Hood: Is it not also illegal to sit on the king's throne and usurp his power in his absence?
- [crowd gasps]
- Prince John: Careful Robin, you go too far.
- [preparing to ravish Maid Marian]
- Sheriff of Rottingham: A chastity belt! That's going to chafe my willy!
- Ahchoo: [after Blinkin catches an arrow] Blinkin! How did you do that?
- Blinkin: I heard that coming a mile away.
- Robin Hood: Right-o, Blinkin, very good.
- Blinkin: Pardon? Who's talking?
- Little John: Let me introduce you to my best friend: Will Scarlet.
- Scarlet: Scarlet's my middle name. My full name is Will Scarlet O'Hara.
- [pause]
- Scarlet: We're from Georgia.
- Angry Villager: There must be another way of doing the credits.
- Fire Marshal: That's right. Every time they make a Robin Hood movie, they burn our village down!
- King Richard: [taking Prince John's crown] You are no longer worthy to wear this sacred symbol of authority.
- Prince John: Oh, please have mercy on me, brother. It wasn't my fault. I got some really bad advice from Rottingham.
- Blinkin, Ahchoo, Scarlet, Little John, Crowd: [coughs] Bullshit! Bullshit!
- King Richard: Brother, you have surrounded your given name with a foul stench!
- [to the crowd]
- King Richard: From this day forth, all the toilets in the kingdom shall be known as... Johns!
- [the crowd cheering]
- Prince John: [yelling] NO!
- King Richard: Take him away!
- [the Merry Men began to grabbing Prince John]
- Prince John: No, wait, wait!
- King Richard: Put him in the Tower of London! Make him part of the tour.
- Abbot: We are here to witness the marriage, of Mervin, the Sheriff of...
- [crowd snickers]
- Abbot: Mervin? Your name is Mervin?
- Sheriff of Rottingham: [over crowd laughing] Shut up! Shut up!
- Abbot: OK... Mervin.
- [crowd starts laughing again]
- Sheriff of Rottingham: Wasn't your... didn't your mole used to be on the other side?
- Prince John: I have a MOLE?
- Head Saracen Guard: [rushes into Le Dungeon] I just told my boss the good news and...
- [sees that all the prisoners has escaped]
- Head Saracen Guard: and... and I'm in deep shit!
- [Robin crashes Prince John's party, and slams a wild pig on the table]
- Prince John: Traif.
- Robin Hood: A present for you and your guest.
- Sheriff of Rottingham: That's a wild boar!
- Robin Hood: No, no. That's a wild pig.
- [Robin points at Prince John]
- Robin Hood: That's a wild boar.
- Prince John: Tell everyone that when the day is out we shall have a wedding. Or a hanging. Either way, we're gonna have a lot of fun, huh?
- Robin Hood: Kindly let me pass.
- Little John: Uh, no. Sorry, but a toll is a toll, and a roll is a roll, and if we don't get no tolls, then we don't eat no rolls.
- [Proudly]
- Little John: I made that up.
- Robin Hood: It's very fascinating. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to hurt you.
- Sheriff of Rottingham: Struckey has loxed again.
- Prince John: What?
- Sheriff of Rottingham: Loxley has struck again.
- Maid Marian: Wait!
- Sheriff of Rottingham: What for?
- Maid Marian: If you promise not to kill Robin, I shall do the most disgusting thing that I can think of.
- Prince John: Oooohhh.
- Sheriff of Rottingham: Oh? And what's that?
- Maid Marian: I shall marry you.
- Sheriff of Rottingham: What? You'll be mine? You'll give yourself to me every night? And sometimes, right after lunch?
- Maid Marian: Yes, but only my body. You can never have my heart, my mind, or my soul!
- Sheriff of Rottingham: Oh, oh yes! I respect that.
- [Ahchoo has released Robin from a noose]
- Robin Hood: Nice shooting, Ahchoo.
- Ahchoo: To tell you the truth, I was aiming for the Hangman.
- Robin Hood: [trying to unlock the chastity belt] Um, darling?
- Maid Marian: [in sultry voice] What?
- Robin Hood: You're not going to believe this...
- Maid Marian: What?
- Robin Hood: It won't open!
- Maid Marian: WHAT?
- Robin Hood: Wait, I have an idea! Call a locksmith!
- Sheriff of Rottingham: He "deered" to kill a King's dare.
- Sheriff of Rottingham: [realizing he said it wrong] He dared to kill a King's deer.
- Robin Hood: Goodbye, my dearest.
- [waves]
- Robin Hood: Toodle-oo. Au revoir. Auf Wiedersehen. Ciao. Ding dow dai.
- Sheriff of Rottingham: This is a stealth catapult, we've been working on it secretly for months. It can hurl one of these heavy boulders undetected, over a hundred yards, completely destroying anything in its path.
- Prince John: Wow! How's it work?
- Sheriff of Rottingham: It's rather simple. You get one of these heavy boulders, put it here where I'm sitting, and then pull on that lever.
- Prince John: Like this?
- [John pulls the lever and flings Mervin into the air]
- Sheriff of Rottingham: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
- Latrine: [praying by her bed in her boudoir] Oh dear Lord, if you see fit to send me my one true love...
- [the Sheriff crashes through the roof and lands on the bed]
- Latrine: [looks up and grins] Thank you!
- [starts to climb on top of the Sheriff]
- Latrine: Oh my god! Oh my god!
- Sheriff of Rottingham: [struggles] No! No! I have a headache!
- [runs away]
- Latrine: OH BUGGER!
- [breaks the fourth wall]
- Latrine: I was *that* close! I touched it.
- Sheriff of Rottingham: This was to be a "private" meeting... I mean, who are these men?
- Don Giovanni: These? These are my most trusted associates. On my right, Dirty Ezio. On my left, Filthy Luca.
- Filthy Luca: [Stands Up] We thank you, for inviting us on the day of your daughter's wedding.
- Don Giovanni: No, no, no.
- Filthy Luca: I hope that her first child, is a masculine child.
- Don Giovanni: Shut up! We haven't even had our meeting yet!
- Filthy Luca: ...Oh yeah.
- [sits down]
- Rabbi Tuckman: I am Rabbi Tuckman, purveyor of sacramental wine and moyel extraordinaire.
- Merry Men: 'ello Rabbi!
- Rabbi Tuckman: Hello boys!
- Robin Hood: A moyel. I don't believe I've ever heard of that profession.
- Rabbi Tuckman: A moyel is a very important guy. He makes circumcisions.
- Scarlet: What, pray tell, sir, is a circumcision?
- Rabbi Tuckman: It's the latest craze. The ladies love it!
- Little John: I'll take one!
- Ahchoo: Hey, put me down for two!
- Robin Hood: I'm game. How's it done?
- Rabbi Tuckman: It's a snap.
- [demonstrates with a carrot and a miniature guillotine]
- Rabbi Tuckman: I take my machine here, I take your little thing, I put it through this hole, and then...
- [releases the blade, cutting the end off the carrot]
- Rabbi Tuckman: I nip the tip! Who's first?
- [groans from the Merry Men]
- Little John: I changed me mind!
- Ahchoo: I forgot, I already got one.
- Blinkin: [puts his hand in the air] Question...
- [Ahchoo pulls his arm down silencing him]
- Rabbi Tuckman: I gotta start working with a younger crowd.
- Robin Hood: [first meeting Blinkin the blind servant] BLINKIN!
- Blinkin: Master Robin, Is that you?
- Robin Hood: Yes.
- Blinkin: What back from the Crusades?
- Robin Hood: Yes.
- Blinkin: And alive?
- Robin Hood: [pause] yes.
- Robin Hood: And who might you be?
- Little John: Oh, they call me "Little John".
- Little John: [Suddenly becomes very concerned] But... but don't let my name fool you! In real life, I'm very *big*.
- Robin Hood: I'll take your word for it.
- [Broomhilde prepares to jump on horse from the balcony]
- Horse: [makes loud noise and shakes head]
- subtitle: She's got to be kidding!
- Guard: Robin of Loxley, where is your king?
- Robin Hood: King? King? And which King might that be? King Richard? King Louis? King Kong? Larry King?
- Abbot: I will perform the opening prayer in the New Latin. Oh ordlay, ivethgay usway ouryay essingsblay. Amen-ay!
- Crowd: AMEN-AY!
- Sheriff of Rottingham: Over that boy hand!
- [pauses, looking confused]
- Sheriff of Rottingham: Hand over that boy!
- Robin Hood: Oh, my darling, I'm ready for that kiss now.
- Maid Marian: But first, I must warn you. It could only be a kiss. For I am a virgin and could never... go all the way.
- Robin Hood: But...
- Maid Marian: Unless I were married. Or if a man pledged his endless love to me.
- Robin Hood: Yes...
- Maid Marian: Or if I knew that he desperately cared for me. Or if he were really cute!
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Top Gap
By what name was Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993) officially released in India in Hindi?
Answer