Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)
Cary Elwes: Robin Hood
Robin Hood : Blinkin, listen to me. They've taken the castle!
Blinkin : I thought it felt a bit drafty. Cor, this never would have happened if your father was alive.
Robin Hood : He's dead?
Blinkin : Yes...
Robin Hood : And my mother?
Blinkin : She died of pneumonia while...
Blinkin : Oh, you were away!
Robin Hood : My brothers?
Blinkin : There were all killed by the plague.
Robin Hood : My dog, Pongo?
Blinkin : Run over by a carriage.
Robin Hood : My goldfish, Goldie?
Blinkin : Eaten by the cat.
Robin Hood : [on the verge of tears] My cat?
Blinkin : Choked on the goldfish.
Blinkin : Oh, it's good to be home, ain't it, Master Robin?
Robin Hood : I lost. I lost? Wait a second, I'm not supposed to lose. Let me see the script.
Maid Marian : I've come to warn you, Prince John and Rottingham have hired men to kill you at the fair tomorrow. You musn't go.
Robin Hood : Well, that's easy. I won't.
Maid Marian : Oh, I'm so happy! They were going to try to lure you there by having an archery contest.
Robin Hood : An archery contest?
Maid Marian : Their archer is unbeatable.
Robin Hood : Really?
Maid Marian : Robin, promise you won't go.
Robin Hood : All right, I promise you won't go.
Maid Marian : Thank you.
[stops for a second, confused]
Ahchoo : But wait a minute, Robin, didn't you just...
Robin Hood : Cool it...
Ahchoo : Chilled.
Robin Hood : You are entering the territory of Robin Hood and his Merry Men.
Rabbi Tuckman : Faygeles?
[clears their throats, trying to act macho]
Robin Hood : No, no. We're straight. Just... merry.
Rabbi Tuckman : As I. And who are you, with the exceptionally long feather in your hat?
Robin Hood : I am Robin of Loxley.
Rabbi Tuckman : Robin of Loxley? I've just come from Maid Marian, the woman whose heart you've stolen, you prince of thieves, you! I knew her parents before they were taken in the plague, Lord and Lady Bahgel. You know, you two were made for each other. I mean, what a combination. Loxley and Bahgel! It can't miss!
Sheriff of Rottingham : King illegal forest to pig wild kill in it a is!
Sheriff of Rottingham : I mean, don't you know it's illegal to kill a wild pig in the king's forest?
Robin Hood : Is it not also illegal to sit on the king's throne and usurp his power in his absence?
Prince John : Careful Robin, you go too far.
Robin Hood : Too-ta-loo. Au revior. Auf weidesen. Ciao. Ding dow dai.
Rabbi Tuckman : I am Rabbi Tuckman, purveyor of sacramental wine and moyel extraordinaire.
Merry Men : 'ello Rabbi!
Rabbi Tuckman : Hello boys!
Robin Hood : A moyel... I don't believe I've ever heard of that profession.
Rabbi Tuckman : A moyel is a very important guy. He makes circumcisions.
Scarlet : What, pray tell, sir, is a circumcision?
Rabbi Tuckman : It's the latest craze. The ladies love it!
Little John : I'll take one!
Ahchoo : Hey, put me down for two!
Robin Hood : I'm game. How's it done?
Rabbi Tuckman : It's a snap.
[demonstrates with a carrot and a miniature guillotine]
Rabbi Tuckman : I take my machine here, I take your little thing, I put it through this hole, and then...
[releases the blade, cutting the end off the carrot]
Rabbi Tuckman : I nip the tip! Whose first?
Merry Men : [groan]
Little John : I changed me mind!
Ahchoo : I forgot, I already got one.
Blinkin : [puts his hand in the air] Question...
[Ahchoo pulls his arm down silencing him]
Rabbi Tuckman : I gotta start working with a younger crowd.
Ahchoo : [Standing by a creek as Robin is about to fight Little John to cross the bridge] Look, Robin, you don't have to do this. I mean, this ain't exactly the Mississipi. I'm on one side, I'm on the other side. I'm on the east bank, I'm on the west bank. It's not that critical.
Robin Hood : It's the principal of the thing.
Ahchoo : Nice knowing you.
Guard : Robin of Loxley, where is your king?
Robin Hood : King? King? And which King might that be? King Richard? King Louis? King Kong? Larry King?
Robin Hood : Rabbi, you seem to be on the side of good. Will you come and share with us some of your wisdom, some of your council, and perhaps... some of your wine?
[Merry Men snicker]
Rabbi Tuckman : Wisdom and council, that's easy. But this is sacrimental wine! It's only used to bless things.
Merry Men : Awwwww...
Rabbi Tuckman : [pauses] Wait a minute! There's things here! There's rocks, there's trees, there's birds, there's squirrels. Come on, we'll bless them all until we get vashnigyered
Rabbi Tuckman : Join me!
Robin Hood : Let's hear it for the Rabbi!
Merry Men : [Cheer]
Robin Hood : [carrying Marian to the bed] Oh my darling, at last.
Maid Marian : [sliding his hand to the key to unlock her chastity belt] Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
Broomhilde : [rushes into the room] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Robin Hood : [groans]
Broomhilde : You are not married yet! Before you do it, you must go through it! Or else I blew it.
Robin Hood : Oh, my darling, I'm ready for that kiss now.
Maid Marian : But first, I must warn you. It could only be a kiss. For I am a virgin and could never... go all the way.
Robin Hood : But...
Maid Marian : Unless I were married. Or if a man pledged his endless love to me.
Robin Hood : Yes...
Maid Marian : Or if I knew that he desperately cared for me. Or if he were really cute!
Robin Hood : Prepare for the fight scene!
[Rottingham slices off Robin's necklace, sending his key flying. The key falls into the lock of Marian's chastity belt]
Robin Hood : It is the key to the greatest treasure in all the land!
Maid Marian : This means you've always been my one true love because it's just the right size!
Sheriff of Rottingham : It's not the size that counts... It's how you use it!
Robin Hood : Ah! Right rope!
[Ahchoo is getting beaten up by a group of soldiers and as Robin who is riding his horse searches for Ahchoo, he suddenly saw Ahchoo getting beaten up by a group of soldiers]
Robin Hood : Ahchoo?
[the soldiers briefly stop beating Ahchoo and face Robin Hood]
Soldiers : Bless you!
[the soldiers continues to beat up Ahchoo]
Ahchoo : Man, I hope someone is getting a video of this!
Robin Hood : Rabbi!
Rabbi Tuckman : [sticks his head out of his tent] Who calls?
Robin Hood : It is I, Robin of Loxley! We wish to get married in a hurry!
Rabbi Tuckman : Married in a hurry? That's great! Hold on, I'm on my last customer. I'll be right out.
[goes back inside his tent, then something being chopped off is heard, followed by a man screaming. The rabbi comes back out]
Rabbi Tuckman : Put a little ice on it. You'll be fine.
Rabbi Tuckman : Married in a hurry, married in a hurry! Please invite me to the briss.
The Hangman : [In a Jocular mood] Let's see, are you about a 16, 16 1/2?
[mimics hanging himself, then hums as he selects a noose and places it around Robin's neck]
The Hangman : There.
Robin Hood : It's a little tight.
The Hangman : That's the idea. Would you care for a blind fold?
[Robin shakes his head; the hangman raises his eyepatch]
The Hangman : How about half a one? Get it, sir?