Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993) Poster

Cary Elwes: Robin Hood



  • Prince John : And why should the people listen to you?

    Robin Hood : Because, unlike some other Robin Hoods, I can speak with an English accent.

    [referring to the then recent blockbuster Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, in which Kevin Costner played the role with an American accent] 

  • Robin Hood : Blinkin, listen to me. They've taken the castle!

    Blinkin : I thought it felt a bit drafty. Cor, this never would have happened if your father was alive.

    Robin Hood : He's dead?

    Blinkin : Yes...

    Robin Hood : And my mother?

    Blinkin : She died of pneumonia while...


    Blinkin : Oh, you were away!

    Robin Hood : My brothers?

    Blinkin : There were all killed by the plague.

    Robin Hood : My dog, Pongo?

    Blinkin : Run over by a carriage.

    Robin Hood : My goldfish, Goldie?

    Blinkin : Eaten by the cat.

    Robin Hood : [on the verge of tears]  My cat?

    Blinkin : Choked on the goldfish.


    Blinkin : Oh, it's good to be home, ain't it, Master Robin?

  • Robin Hood : As my first order of business, I would like to appoint a new Sheriff... my friend Ahchoo.

    Crowd : A black sheriff?

    Blinkin : He's black?

    Ahchoo : And why not? It worked in Blazing Saddles.

  • Robin Hood : I lost. I lost? Wait a second, I'm not supposed to lose. Let me see the script.

  • Robin Hood : Blinkin, I'd like you to meet Ahchoo.

    Blinkin : A Jew? Here?

    Robin Hood : No no, not a Jew. Ahchoo.

  • Blinkin : Oh Master Robin!

    [hugging a replica statue of the Venus de Milo] 

    Blinkin : You lost your arms in battle! But you grew some nice boobs.

    Robin Hood : Blinkin, I'm over here.

  • Maid Marian : I've come to warn you, Prince John and Rottingham have hired men to kill you at the fair tomorrow. You musn't go.

    Robin Hood : Well, that's easy. I won't.

    Maid Marian : Oh, I'm so happy! They were going to try to lure you there by having an archery contest.

    Robin Hood : An archery contest?

    Maid Marian : Their archer is unbeatable.

    Robin Hood : Really?

    Maid Marian : Robin, promise you won't go.

    Robin Hood : All right, I promise you won't go.

    Maid Marian : Thank you.

    [stops for a second, confused] 

    Ahchoo : But wait a minute, Robin, didn't you just...

    Robin Hood : Cool it...

    Ahchoo : Chilled.

  • Robin Hood : You are entering the territory of Robin Hood and his Merry Men.

    Rabbi Tuckman : Faygeles?

    [clears their throats, trying to act macho] 

    Robin Hood : No, no. We're straight. Just... merry.

    Rabbi Tuckman : As I. And who are you, with the exceptionally long feather in your hat?

    Robin Hood : I am Robin of Loxley.

    Rabbi Tuckman : Robin of Loxley? I've just come from Maid Marian, the woman whose heart you've stolen, you prince of thieves, you! I knew her parents before they were taken in the plague, Lord and Lady Bahgel. You know, you two were made for each other. I mean, what a combination. Loxley and Bahgel! It can't miss!

  • [Blinkin, the blind man, is up in a perch looking out for strangers] 

    Robin Hood : Blinkin! What are you doing?

    Blinkin : Guessing. I guess no one's coming.

  • Sheriff of Rottingham : King illegal forest to pig wild kill in it a is!

    Robin Hood , Maid Marian : What?

    Sheriff of Rottingham : I mean, don't you know it's illegal to kill a wild pig in the king's forest?

    Robin Hood : Is it not also illegal to sit on the king's throne and usurp his power in his absence?

    [crowd gasps] 

    Prince John : Careful Robin, you go too far.

  • Sheriff of Rottingham : [taking off his leather glove and slapping Robin with it]  I challenge you to a duel.

    Robin Hood : [picking an iron gauntlet up from the dinner table and smacking Rottingham across the face with it, knocking him down]  I accept!

  • Robin Hood : Too-ta-loo. Au revior. Auf weidesen. Ciao. Ding dow dai.

  • Ahchoo : [after Blinkin catches an arrow]  Blinkin! How did you do that?

    Blinkin : I heard that coming a mile away.

    Robin Hood : Right-o, Blinkin, very good.

    Blinkin : Pardon? Who's talking?

  • Robin Hood : [trying to unlock the chastity belt]  Um, darling?

    Maid Marian : [in sultry voice]  What?

    Robin Hood : You're not going to believe this...

    Maid Marian : What?

    Robin Hood : It won't open!

    Maid Marian : WHAT?

    Robin Hood : Wait, I have an idea! Call a locksmith!

  • Robin Hood : Kindly let me pass.

    Little John : Uh, no. Sorry, but a toll is a toll, and a roll is a roll, and if we don't get no tolls, then we don't eat no rolls.


    Little John : I made that up.

    Robin Hood : It's very fascinating. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to hurt you.

  • [Ahchoo has released Robin from a noose] 

    Robin Hood : Nice shooting, Ahchoo.

    Ahchoo : To tell you the truth, I was aiming for the Hangman.

  • Rabbi Tuckman : I am Rabbi Tuckman, purveyor of sacramental wine and moyel extraordinaire.

    Merry Men : 'ello Rabbi!

    Rabbi Tuckman : Hello boys!

    Robin Hood : A moyel... I don't believe I've ever heard of that profession.

    Rabbi Tuckman : A moyel is a very important guy. He makes circumcisions.

    Scarlet : What, pray tell, sir, is a circumcision?

    Rabbi Tuckman : It's the latest craze. The ladies love it!

    Little John : I'll take one!

    Ahchoo : Hey, put me down for two!

    Robin Hood : I'm game. How's it done?

    Rabbi Tuckman : It's a snap.

    [demonstrates with a carrot and a miniature guillotine] 

    Rabbi Tuckman : I take my machine here, I take your little thing, I put it through this hole, and then...

    [releases the blade, cutting the end off the carrot] 

    Rabbi Tuckman : I nip the tip! Whose first?

    Merry Men : [groan] 

    Little John : I changed me mind!

    Ahchoo : I forgot, I already got one.

    Blinkin : [puts his hand in the air]  Question...

    [Ahchoo pulls his arm down silencing him] 

    Rabbi Tuckman : I gotta start working with a younger crowd.

  • Ahchoo : [Standing by a creek as Robin is about to fight Little John to cross the bridge]  Look, Robin, you don't have to do this. I mean, this ain't exactly the Mississipi. I'm on one side, I'm on the other side. I'm on the east bank, I'm on the west bank. It's not that critical.

    Robin Hood : It's the principal of the thing.

    Ahchoo : Nice knowing you.

  • [Robin crashes Prince John's party, and slams a wild pig on the table] 

    Sheriff of Rottingham : That's a wild boar!

    Robin Hood : No, no. That's a wild pig.

    [Robin points at Prince John] 

    Robin Hood : *That's* a wild bore.

  • Robin Hood : And who might you be?

    Little John : Oh, they call me "Little John".

    Little John : [Suddenly becomes very concerned]  But... but don't let my name fool you! In real life, I'm very *big*.

    Robin Hood : I'll take your word for it.

  • Guard : Robin of Loxley, where is your king?

    Robin Hood : King? King? And which King might that be? King Richard? King Louis? King Kong? Larry King?

  • Rabbi Tuckman : [performing the marriage]  Robin, do you?

    Robin Hood : I do.

    Rabbi Tuckman : Marian, do you?

    Maid Marian : I do.

    Rabbi Tuckman : I now pronounce you man and...

    King Richard : I object!

    Rabbi Tuckman : Who asked?

  • Robin Hood : [first meeting Blinkin the blind servant]  BLINKIN!

    Blinkin : Master Robin, Is that you?

    Robin Hood : Yes.

    Blinkin : What back from the Crusades?

    Robin Hood : Yes.

    Blinkin : And alive?

    Robin Hood : [pause]  yes.

  • Robin Hood : Rabbi, you seem to be on the side of good. Will you come and share with us some of your wisdom, some of your council, and perhaps... some of your wine?

    [Merry Men snicker] 

    Rabbi Tuckman : Wisdom and council, that's easy. But this is sacrimental wine! It's only used to bless things.

    Merry Men : Awwwww...

    Rabbi Tuckman : [pauses]  Wait a minute! There's things here! There's rocks, there's trees, there's birds, there's squirrels. Come on, we'll bless them all until we get vashnigyered


    Rabbi Tuckman : Join me!

    Robin Hood : Let's hear it for the Rabbi!

    Merry Men : [Cheer] 

  • Robin Hood : [carrying Marian to the bed]  Oh my darling, at last.

    Maid Marian : [sliding his hand to the key to unlock her chastity belt]  Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

    Broomhilde : [rushes into the room]  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

    Robin Hood : [groans] 

    Broomhilde : You are not married yet! Before you do it, you must go through it! Or else I blew it.

  • Robin Hood : Oh, my darling, I'm ready for that kiss now.

    Maid Marian : But first, I must warn you. It could only be a kiss. For I am a virgin and could never... go all the way.

    Robin Hood : But...

    Maid Marian : Unless I were married. Or if a man pledged his endless love to me.

    Robin Hood : Yes...

    Maid Marian : Or if I knew that he desperately cared for me. Or if he were really cute!

  • Robin Hood : Prepare for the fight scene!

  • Robin Hood : Good people, who have travelled from villages near and far! Lend me your ears!

    Robin Hood : [Crowd proceeds to pull off ears and throw them at Robin] 

    Robin Hood : That's disgusting!

  • Maid Marian : Oh, darling, don't despair! For it is written on a scroll: "One day, he, who is destined for me, shall be endowed with a magical key, that will bring an end to my... virginity."

    Robin Hood : Oh, Marian, if only 'twere me.

    Maid Marian : Oh, if 'twere you, 'twould be... twerrific.

  • Robin Hood : [Robin and Ahchoo are fight the sherif of Rottinghams men]  Watch my back!

    Ahchoo : [Ahchoo litarlly leans over and looks at his back as a guard punches him twice in the back]  Your back just got punched twice.

    Robin Hood : Thank You!

  • Asneeze : I am Asneeze, father of Ahchoo.

    Robin Hood : Bless you.

    Asneeze : No no no, Ahchoo is my son.

  • [Rottingham slices off Robin's necklace, sending his key flying. The key falls into the lock of Marian's chastity belt] 

    Robin Hood : It is the key to the greatest treasure in all the land!

    Maid Marian : This means you've always been my one true love because it's just the right size!

    Sheriff of Rottingham : It's not the size that counts... It's how you use it!

  • Robin Hood : This is Ahchoo.

    Little John : Bless you!

    Ahchoo : [laughs]  No, that's my name, man. Ahchoo.

  • Robin Hood : Ah! Right rope!

  • [Ahchoo is getting beaten up by a group of soldiers and as Robin who is riding his horse searches for Ahchoo, he suddenly saw Ahchoo getting beaten up by a group of soldiers] 

    Robin Hood : Ahchoo?

    [the soldiers briefly stop beating Ahchoo and face Robin Hood] 

    Soldiers : Bless you!

    [the soldiers continues to beat up Ahchoo] 

    Ahchoo : Man, I hope someone is getting a video of this!

  • [Robin has just been chained in Le Dungeon] 

    Asneeze : You are very brave for not a homeboy.

    Robin Hood : Oh, thank you.

    Asneeze : I've been in here for a while. Perhaps I could be of service. Do you have any questions?

    Robin Hood : What are you in for?

    Asneeze : Jaywalking.

  • Robin Hood : Are you with me? Yea or Nay?

    Villager : Well which one means yes?

    Robin Hood : Yea.

  • Robin Hood : By the by, do you know praying mantis?

    Ahchoo : You're looking at him.

  • Robin Hood : Rabbi!

    Rabbi Tuckman : [sticks his head out of his tent]  Who calls?

    Robin Hood : It is I, Robin of Loxley! We wish to get married in a hurry!

    Rabbi Tuckman : Married in a hurry? That's great! Hold on, I'm on my last customer. I'll be right out.

    [goes back inside his tent, then something being chopped off is heard, followed by a man screaming. The rabbi comes back out] 

    Rabbi Tuckman : Put a little ice on it. You'll be fine.

    [to Robin] 

    Rabbi Tuckman : Married in a hurry, married in a hurry! Please invite me to the briss.

  • The Hangman : [In a Jocular mood]  Let's see, are you about a 16, 16 1/2?

    [mimics hanging himself, then hums as he selects a noose and places it around Robin's neck] 

    The Hangman : There.

    Robin Hood : It's a little tight.

    The Hangman : That's the idea. Would you care for a blind fold?

    [Robin shakes his head; the hangman raises his eyepatch] 

    The Hangman : How about half a one? Get it, sir?

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs

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