Mrs. Doubtfire (1993)
Mrs. Sellner: Oh, by the way. Do you have any special skills?
Daniel: Oh, yes, I do. I do voices.
Mrs. Sellner: What do you mean, you do voices?
Daniel: [German accent] Well, I do voices.
Daniel: [as evangelist] Yes!
Daniel: [as martian] We've come to this planet looking for intelligent life. Oops, we made a mistake.
Daniel: [as Russian immigrant] Happy to be in America. Don't ask for a green card.
Daniel: [as monster] I want you in the worst way.
Daniel: [as Groucho Marx] Well this is certainly a rough meeting and it's not going very well for me, I'll tell you that.
[as Chico Marx]
Daniel: Hey boss, give her a chance. She's gonna loosen up any moment.
Daniel: [as Sean Connery] Look at me right now, Moneypenny, I want to undo that bow and get to know you.
Daniel: [as a used-car salesman] I'll be crazy to make a deal with you!
Daniel: [as Ronald Reagan] Nancy and I are still looking for the other half of my head.
Daniel: [as Walter Brennan] This is it! Yes, I'm doing it! I'm sitting on a gold mine!
Daniel: [as Humphrey Bogart] Don't make me smack you, sweetheart. I'll do it.
Daniel: [normal voice] I do a great impression of a hot dog.
[leans back straight, trying to keep a straight face]
Mrs. Sellner: Mr. Hillard, do you consider yourself humorous?
Daniel: I used to. There was a time when I found myself funny, but today you have proven me wrong. Thank you.
[a mugger tries to snatch Mrs. Doubtfire's purse]
Mrs. Doubtfire: [grabbing him] BACK OFF!, go on, BEAT IT!
Daniel: [startled, the mugger runs off]
Mrs. Doubtfire: [slipping back into character] Broke my bag, the bastard. Ooh!
Mrs. Doubtfire: Sink the sub. Hide the weasel. Park the porpoise. A bit of the old Humpty Dumpty, Little Jack Horny, the Horizontal Mambo, hmm? The Bone Dancer, Rumpleforeskin, Baloney Bop, a bit of the old Cunning Linguistics?
Stu: Mrs. Doubtfire, please.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh I'm sorry, am I being a little graphic? I'm sorry. Well, I hope you're up for a little competition. She's got a power tool in the bedroom, dear. It's her own personal jackhammer. She could break sidewalk with that thing. She uses it and the lights dim, it's like a prison movie. Amazed she hasn't chipped her teeth.
Miranda: What happened?
Mrs. Doubtfire: He was quite fond of the drink. It was the drink that killed him.
Miranda: How awful. He was an alcoholic?
Mrs. Doubtfire: No, he was hit by a Guinness truck. So it was quite literally the drink that killed him.
Mrs. Doubtfire: [reading a letter] "Dear Mrs. Doubtfire, two months ago, my mom and dad decided to separate. Now they live in different houses. My brother Andrew says that we aren't to be a family anymore. Is this true? Did I lose my family? Is there anything I can do to get my parents back together? Sincerely, Katie McCormick." Oh, my dear Katie. You know, some parents, when they're angry, they get along much better when they don't live together. They don't fight all the time, and they can become better people, and much better mummies and daddies for you. And sometimes they get back together. And sometimes they don't, dear. And if they don't, don't blame yourself. Just because they don't love each other anymore, doesn't mean that they don't love you. There are all sorts of different families, Katie. Some families have one mommy, some families have one daddy, or two families. And some children live with their uncle or aunt. Some live with their grandparents, and some children live with foster parents. And some live in separate homes, in separate neighborhoods, in different areas of the country - and they may not see each other for days, or weeks, months... even years at a time. But if there's love, dear... those are the ties that bind, and you'll have a family in your heart, forever. All my love to you, poppet, you're going to be all right... bye-bye.
Daniel: Did you ever wish you could sometimes freeze frame a moment in your day, look at it and say "this is not my life"?
Stu: [about Daniel] What can I say, Ron? The guy's a loser. See ya.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Loser? Oh, yeah.
[Takes a lime and throws it at Stu's head. Stu looks back, angry]
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, sir. I saw it! Some angry member of the kitchen staff, Did you not tip them? Oh, the terrorists! They ran that way. It was a run-by fruiting. I'll get them, sir. Don't worry.
Miranda: [about Stu] Isn't he fabulous?
Mrs. Doubtfire: If you like that handsome rugged type. But personally I prefer short, furry and funny.
Miranda: He just wants to go out and have a drink. I think that's pretty harmless, don't you?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Absolutely not, dear, because they always have other intentions.
Miranda: This is business mostly. I'll just sit there and sip club soda and we'll go over wallpaper samples.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Dear Miranda, wake up and smell the coffee. Can't you see the lust in that man's eyes? It's too soon, dear, really. You've got to give your divorce some time, dear. Let your sheets cool down before you bring someone else into the bed, alright?
Miranda: Mrs. Doubtfire, may I ask you a question?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, certainly, dear.
Miranda: How long after Mr. Doubtfire passed away... Did you feel any desire...?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Never.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Never again.
Miranda: Never again?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Once the father of your children is out of the picture, the only solution is total and lifelong celibacy.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Yes. And if you violate that, heaven forgive you! Good luck.
Mrs. Doubtfire: [as Daniel] Look at this! My first day as a woman and I'm getting hot flashes.
Natalie: We're his damn kids too.
[Miranda gives Daniel a dirty look]
Daniel: [nervously] Heh heh, kids say the darnedest things.
Miranda: [sarcastically] Thank you. Any other choice phrases you'd like to teach our five year old, Daniel?
[Trying to get false teeth out of glass]
Mrs. Doubtfire: Carpe dentum. Seize the teeth.
Lydie: Freeze, or you're gonna get it.
Chris: In the balls.
Lydie: She's got 'em?
Chris: She's got everything.
Daniel: [as Mrs. Doubtfire; in his own voice] All right. Listen to me. I'm not... who you think I am.
Chris: Yeah, no shit.
Daniel: Watch your mouth, young man.
Bus Driver: [after noticing Mrs. Doubtfire has hairy legs] I like that Mediterranean look in women. Natural, healthy. Just the way God made you.
Mrs. Doubtfire: [modestly] Well, He broke the mold when He made me. He made me very special.
Bus Driver: He sure did.
Natalie: We're in the middle of "Charlotte's Web". Who's gonna finish it?
Daniel: Well, Grandma will finish it for you.
Natalie: [whispers] She's not as good. She always skips parts, and she never does the voices. She smells funny, too.
Daniel: That's the formaldehyde. That's why Granny's so well preserved.
[at the taping of a children's show]
Daniel: They should have a little disclaimer that says "Do Not Operate Heavy Machinery While Watching This Show". Incredible. This guy used to put me to sleep when I was a kid. Amazing. He has the warmth of a snow pea. He makes Mister Rogers look like Mick Jagger.
[at the pool]
Stu: Your day's on me, Mrs Doubtfire. Anything you need, just put on my tab, okay?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, thank you, dear.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Touch me again, and I'll drown you.
Daniel: [Posing as a caller for the housekeeper ad] I am job.
Miranda: Do you speak English?
Daniel: I am job.
Miranda: I'm sorry, the position has been filled.
Miranda: What a nightmare!
Daniel: Could you make me a woman?
Frank: Honey, I'm so happy!
Daniel: I knew you'd understand.
Daniel: Wow, films. Will I be introducing these movies on air?
Tony: Not exactly.
Daniel: What do I do?
Tony: Well you take all these cans, you box 'em, you ship 'em. Then you box those cans over there, ship them, then more will come in. You box those, you ship those. Any questions?
Daniel: After you box them...?
Tony: You ship 'em. Lotsa luck, smartass.
Daniel: I think I made a friend.
Miranda: Hello, are you calling in response to the ad?
Miranda: Tell me, who was your previous employer?
Daniel: I was in a band, 'Severe Tire Damage'.
Miranda: In a band?
Daniel: I just want to know one thing. Are your kids well-behaved? Or do they need like, a few light slams every now and then?
Miranda: Umm, I'll have to get back to you.
Frank: [on the phone with his mother and gets sidetracked by a man mask Jack is making] Enough already, it's a man.
Jack: How would you know?
Evelyn Hillard: This is your mother you're talking to.
Frank: [interrupting] No, Ma, not you, I was talking about the dog.
Daniel: [as Mr. Rogers] Hello, boys and girls, today we're gonna talk about dinosaurs. It's a dino-sorus line!
Daniel: And now ladies and gentlemen, the King.
[hums tune and imitates Elvis with a T-Rex]
Daniel: Hey thank you, I'ma make you lunch, thank you. Okay, now put your claws together for James Bronnnnnntosaurus!
[James Brown style]
Daniel: Pum pum pum, I eat wood, dada dada dada da, it tastes good, dada dada dada da no meat, big feet, I eat wood, pum pum pum! Oh I can't go on, can't go on, I'm goin' extinct! Now it's time for the Raptor rap.
Daniel: Yo I'm a Raptor doin' what I can gonna eat everything 'til the appearance of man. Yo yo yo, see me, I'm living below the soil, I'll be back but I'm comin' as oil!
Miranda: Daniel was so wonderfully different, and funny! He could always make me laugh.
Mrs. Doubtfire: They always say the key to a solid marriage is laughter.
Miranda: But after a few years, everything just stopped being funny.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Why?
Miranda: I was working all the time, and he was always between jobs. I hardly ever got to see the kids, and on the nights I'd try to get home early to be with them, something would go wrong. The house would be wrecked and I'd have to clean it up. He never knew, but so many nights I just cried myself to sleep.
Mrs. Doubtfire: [crushed] Really?
Miranda: The truth is, I didn't like who I was when I was with him. I would turn into this horrible person. I didn't want my kids growing up with a mother like that. When I'm not with Daniel, I'm better. And... I'm sure he's better when he's not with me.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Well, you never... I mean, did you ever say anything to him dear?
Miranda: Daniel never liked to talk about anything serious. I used to think Daniel could do anything, except be serious. But then *I* was serious enough for everybody.
Mrs. Doubtfire: I hope you don't mind me being a tad rude, but... how was he? You know, on a scale of 1 to 10?
Miranda: Well, that part was always... okay.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Just okay? Well, he was probably a Casanova compared to poor old Winston.
Miranda: What was the matter with Winston?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh dear, Winston's idea of foreplay was "Effie, brace yourself."
Daniel: [Discussing the boring children's show] What kind of idiot kept this guy on the air for twenty-five years?
Jonathan Lundy: Me.
[introductions, ending with:]
Daniel: I'm Daniel Hillard, former employee.
Chris: You don't really like wearin' that stuff, do you, Dad?
Daniel: [as Daniel] Well, some of it's comfortable. No! It's a pain in the padded ass!
Daniel: [as Mrs. Doubtfire in his own voice] Sorry I'm late. After all those scotches I had to piss like a racehorse.
[Takes a drink of scotch]
Jonathan Lundy: Daniel?
Jonathan Lundy: Why in God's name are you dressed like a woman?
Daniel: Oh, damn. Well, I'd like you to meet the host of your new show.
Jonathan Lundy: Host?
Daniel: [in Mrs. Doubtfire's voice] Euphegenia Doubtfire, dear. I specialize in the education and entertainment of children.
Jonathan Lundy: Tell me, why would Mrs. Doubtfire be a good host?
Daniel: [in Mrs. Doubtfire's voice] I'm a hip old granny who can hip-hop, bebop, dance til ya drop and yo yo, make a wicked cup of cocoa.
Mrs. Doubtfire: [after being introduced to Natalie] I admire that honesty, Natalie, that's a noble quality. Never lose that, because it often disappears with age, or entering politics.
Lou: Daniel, that line was not in the script; why did you add it?
Daniel: Well, I thought I should comment on the situation.
Lou: What situation?
Daniel: The fact that Pudgy the Parrot has a cigarette shoved into his mouth is morally irresponsible!
Lou: This is a cartoon, okay? This is not a freakin' Oprah Winfrey special.
Daniel: Lou, millions of kids see this cartoon, it's like sending each one of them a pack of cigarettes and saying "light up."
Cop: Ma'am, are you aware that it's against the law to possess animals of a barnyard nature in a residential area?
Miranda: What if you're married to one?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Can you help me with something, I found this outside.
[holds up Mercedes hood ornament]
Stu: Uh, yes, this is off my, uh, Mercedes.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Off your Mercedes, dear, you own that big expensive car out there? Oh, dear. Well, they say a man who has to buy a big car like that is trying to compensate for smaller genitals.
Mrs. Doubtfire: [after monkey jumps up and scares her] Ooooh, you wicked, wicked monkey!
Lou: You can't put words in Pudgy's mouth if his mouth isn't moving!
Daniel: Well, it's voiceover. It's an interior monologue. Maybe even the voice of God, that's even better.
Daniel: No, Pudgy, don't smoke!
Daniel: What? Well, let's ask the technicians. Do you think its morally right to promote smoking to the youth of America?
[the three technicians are smoking. One man shrugs]
Daniel: They're biased. That's a mistrial.
Lou: Daniel, listen to me. This session is costing the studio thousands of dollars. Now if you want a paycheck, you stick to the script. If you wanna play Gandhi, then do it on somebody else's time.
Daniel: [imitating Gandhi] Then I've got to do what I've got to do.
Lou: That's very funny. Where the hell are you going? Hey listen, buddy, I'll tell you something, if you leave, you're not getting back in. I'm not taking any crap from you, pal.
Daniel: Well, in the words of Porky Pig, "Pi-pi-pi-pi-pi-piss off, Lou."
Mrs. Doubtfire: Dear, I always say, a flawed husband is better than none at all.
Miranda: Who needs a husband when I've got you?
Miranda: [Answering the phone] Hello?
Daniel: [Posing as a caller for the housekeeper ad, this time with a southern drawl] ... Aaaaaargh! Laila, get back into your cell! Don't make me get the hose! Hello?
[at the pool]
Mrs. Doubtfire: Not a single body that exists in nature, look at that.
Lydie: [looks askance at Mrs. Doubtfire]
Mrs. Doubtfire: [in a threatening tone] Lydie.
Daniel: Well, let's take a little vacation together with the kids, and get you away from work. You're a different person. You really are. You're great.
Miranda: Oh, Daniel, our problems would be waiting for us right here when we got back.
Daniel: Well, we'll move. That way our problems won't follow us.
Miranda: Daniel, please don't joke.
Miranda: It's just, we're far apart. We're different. We have nothing in common.
Daniel: Sure we do. We love each other. Come on, Miranda, we love each other... Don't we?
Miranda: I want a divorce.
Daniel: [to the toy dinosaurs] Take five. Take five million. You're dead.
Daniel: [Wearing a black wig and speaking with a Spanish accent] I hope you are using Jungle Red, because that is the only color I love.
Jack: Mmm. Matches your lips.
Daniel: God bless you. You know I'm feeling fabulous, because I met this beautiful Cuban. Every night is like the Bay of Pigs.
Daniel: I can't lie to you. It's beautiful with him.
Daniel: I don't know. This will scare the children. Do you think so? I don't know, maybe this is too much for them?
Frank: I think we'll have to go to the next level. Latex.
Daniel: I got off early.
Lydie: You mean you got fired?
Daniel: No, I quit. For reasons of conscience.
Daniel: [to Chris] Hey, dude! Congratulations on your twelfth birthday, all right! Got a surprise for you!
Chris: Ooh, a stripper?
Daniel: No, please!
Chris: Two strippers?
Daniel: Haw, boy!
Frank: [Daniel's Mrs. Doubtfire mask has been run over by a truck] Would you be careful with this one? She's an old woman.
Frank: Why wasn't I an only child?
[after seeing "Mrs. Doubtfire" peeing while standing up]
Chris: Lydia! We gotta call the cops! We gotta dial 911 now!
Chris: [stammering] Mrs. Doubtfire! He's a she! She's a he! He's a she-she.
Chris: He's half-man, half-woman.
Lydie: [screams] WHAT?
Mrs. Doubtfire: [after turning the TV off and tossing the remote into the aquarium] Between the hours of 3 PM and 7 PM, I'm in charge. And when I'm in charge, you will follow a schedule. Those who do *not* follow the schedule will be punished.
Natalie: [whispering to Lydie] Punished?
Natalie: She's lying. She'd never punish us.
Mrs. Doubtfire: [evilly] Don't fuss with me.
Mrs. Doubtfire: All right everybody, it's time to expand your minds, it's...
[turns off the TV]
Mrs. Doubtfire: Homework time. Okay?
Lydie: [turns the TV back on with the remote] Yeah, but after Dick Van Dyke.
Mrs. Doubtfire: [turns off the TV] No. Now.
Lydie: [impatiently] No.
[turns the TV back on]
Lydie: We always watch Dick Van Dyke.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Really? Well, not anymore.
[takes the remote control from Lydia and throws it in the air. It lands straight into the aquarium]
Mrs. Doubtfire: The only thing you'll be watching... is Deep CNN.
Daniel: [talking about his apartment] I was going kind of a refugee motif. You know, "fleeing my homeland" kind of thing. But look at you. This lovely Dances With Wolves motif. What's your Indian name, Shops With A Fist?
Miranda: Are my children ready yet?
Daniel: No, our children are not ready yet. Because you are an hour early and you were late dropping them off.
Stu: People change, Ron. I'm pushing 40. I don't want to spend the rest of my life by myself.
Ron: She's got an awful lot of baggage, though. Three kids?
Stu: Three terrific kids, and I'm crazy about them, especially that little Natalie. Look at her. She's a sweetie pie. God knows they need some kind of stable father figure in their life right now.
Ron: What about their real father?
Stu: What can I say, Ron? The guy's a loser.
Daniel: [Yiddish accent] Oi, it was such a shandw! I should never buy gribenes from a Mohel. It's so chewy.
Daniel: [normal voice] No, oh no, I feel like Bubbi. This is not working.
Frank: You know this isn't working, but don't worry it's a work in progress. And you're my brother. I will never let you be embarrassed.
Daniel: God bless you.
Frank: I think we're gonna have to do the entire face.
Daniel: But look at this nice thing though we have here.
[Frank is making Daniel's woman costume]
Daniel: It's not working. I need to go older.
Frank: Older? You mean like a Shelley Winters older, or Shirley MacLaine older?
Daniel: What's the difference?
Frank: Some Scotch tape and red hair dye.
Daniel: What about Joan Collins?
Frank: Oh, I don't think I have the strength. But I have some plaster.
Miranda: Mrs. Doubtfire.
Mrs. Doubtfire: [startled] What?
Miranda: You're going into the men's room.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Huh? Oh, so it is. I do need new glasses dear. Sorry.
[Frank is on the phone with his mother. He covers the mouthpiece to speak to Daniel]
Frank: She wants to know if you want to come stay with her.
Daniel: No way!
Frank: [uncovers mouthpiece] He says he'll think about it, Ma.
Daniel: Newspaper? Are you taking one of those personal ads: DWF seeks WWM with BMW into light B&D?
Stu: [asking the family if they'd like to go in the pool] How about you, Mrs. Doubtfire?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, you wicked, wicked man! Isn't there enough flesh here to feast your eyes on?
Stu: Oh, come now, Mrs. Doubtfire, don't be bashful.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, no, dear. I think they've outlawed whaling.
Mrs. Doubtfire: What a lovely home you have. Did you decorate this yourself?
Miranda: Yes, I did.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, it reeks of taste!
[at a fancy swimming pool]
Mrs. Doubtfire: Isn't this posh? I'll bet it's very exclusive, probably need a credit reference just to get in the pool.
Mrs. Dupree: I don't do laundry, I don't do windows, I don't do carpets, I don't do bathtubs, I don't do toilets, I don't do diapers...
Miranda: Um, my children have been potty-trained for quite some time.
Mrs. Dupree: Well, I don't do washing, I don't do basements, I don't do dinners, and I don't do reading!
[Miranda shows Mrs. Dupree to the door and gives Lydie the "slitting your throat" gesture as she walks away; Lydie checks Mrs. Dupree's name off the list]
[Mrs. Doubtfire is trying to discourage Miranda's new suiter]
Mrs. Doubtfire: I hope you bring cocktail sauce. She's got the crabs, dear, and I don't mean Dungeness.
Miranda: Are you OK?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, I thought I saw Clint Eastwood, that would make my day! He is such a stud muffin!
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, as I hold this cold meat, I'm reminded of Winston.
Daniel: [shouting to Mrs. Sellner in the other room as he undresses from the Mrs. Doubtfire disguise] Oh, Mrs. Sellner! I just got out of the shower. I think you'll be very pleased with me. I've been through some really interesting changes and I'm becoming a new man and a model father...
[unhooks the bra]
Daniel: Yes I want to keep you abreast to some of the changes in my career.
[takes off bra]
Daniel: There have been two big developments.
[unzipping the body suit]
Daniel: I'm finally starting to come into my own. Things are really starting to take shape.
[pulling his arms out]
Daniel: And I'm blossoming, really I am!
[pulls the suit down off his chest]
Daniel: Things were hairy for awhile, but, oh, I'm in great shape now.
[the body suit is off]
Daniel: I'm my own man now. Oh, yes.
[pulls out fake teeth]
Daniel: A job I could really sink my teeth into. I'll be right there, Mrs. Sellner.
[pulls off wig and mask]
Daniel: I don't have the same face anymore, Mrs. Sellner.
Jonathan Lundy: [after Daniel tells him about an ex in the dining staff] Does your girlfriend have a girlfriend?
Daniel: Hey, it's the '90s!
Jonathan Lundy: Where the hell have you been? I took the liberty of ordering you another Scotch.
Lydie: I just want to apologize for being such a pain today.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, dear, it's all right.
Lydie: No, I'm - I'm really sorry. It's just, I'm still kind of messed up about everything.
Mrs. Doubtfire: We all are, sweetie.
Mrs. Doubtfire: I just mean I understand the pain you're all going through.
Lydie: Yeah. Well, I also wanted to thank you.
Mrs. Doubtfire: For what?
Lydie: For making my mom so happy.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh...
Lydie: She hasn't been in this good a mood since... I can't even remember. It's been a long time.
Daniel: [ad-libbing as Pudgy the Parrot] Oh, I will not do this! I cannot! Oh what a foul way for a bird to die! I don't wanna get beak cancer! No! My lungs are blackened!
Lou: Alright, cut! Cut!
Daniel: Help me, help me!
Lou: Daniel, that line was not in the script, why did you add it?
Daniel: Well I thought I should comment on the situation.
Lou: What situation?
Daniel: The fact that Pudgy the Parrot has a had cigarette shoved right into his mouth, is morally irresponsible!
Lou: This is a cartoon, OK? This is not a frigging Oprah Winfrey special!
Daniel: Lou, millions of kids see this TV show. It's like sending them each a pack of cigarettes and saying "Light up!".
Lydie: [deleted scene] Dad, why can't you just pretend?
Daniel: To be what, honey?
Lydie: Pretend to be Mrs. Doubtfire and pretend to be Pudgy the bird and all those other things. Why can't you and Mom just pretend to be happy?
Daniel: We probably could.
Lydie: And we'd still be a family.
Daniel: Yeah we would be, but we'd be a pretend family, you know? It wouldn't be real. You'd know, you'd know we'd be acting. You can't act 24 hours a day, I'm not that good an actor, today proved that. No, life's more real and wonderful and acting is nice, it's a job.
Lydie: It's your job to be our father.
Daniel: No it's not a job, it's a joy being your father, I don't have to play the part of your father, I am your father, I may act like a fool, but I am your father, okay? Always, rain, shine, it's the one wonderful thing in my life.
Miranda: [describes the benefits of having Mrs. Doubtfire] We're all doing so great.
Daniel: Ohh. Sounds like an amazing woman; too good to be true.
Miranda: I bring home a birthday cake and a few gifts. You bring home the goddamn San Diego Zoo and I have to clean up after it!
Mrs. Doubtfire: Look, Nattie. That's called liposuction.
Daniel: I feel like Gloria Swanson.
Frank: You look like her mother.
Daniel: I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.
[after Daniel has lost his mask]
Mrs. Sellner, The Social Worker: Can I give you a hand?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, no, dear, I don't need a hand.
Daniel: [in his own Daniel] I need a face.
Mrs. Doubtfire: [as the Meringue mask is "melting" off Daniel's face] As you can see, I can't stay with you, dear. I'm melting like a snow cone in Phoenix.
Jonathan Lundy: Daniel?
Jonathan Lundy: Are you wearing ladies' perfume?
Daniel: Yes, I am.
Jonathan Lundy: Are you wearing lipstick?
Jonathan Lundy: Why?
Daniel: It rubbed off.
Jonathan Lundy: From whom?
Daniel: [he pauses, trying to come up with an answer] Girl I used to date. She's a waitress.
Jonathan Lundy: A waitress? Here?
Daniel: Oh, yeah. On the way to the bathroom... couldn't keep her hands off me.
Jonathan Lundy: You dog.
Daniel: [sniggers] You scallywag!
Daniel: [as Mrs. Doubtfire telling Lydia and Chris about him as Mes. Doubtfire] Well now that you know, You can't tell mom, Because If she finds out, I'll only be able to see you through plate glass, OK? and you can't tell Natalie, cause she'll blow my cover.
Mrs. Doubtfire: [Appears over the fridge with cream cake all over her face] HELLO!
[Mrs Sellner screams]
Mrs. Doubtfire: Aw I'm so sorry to frighten you, dear, I must look like a YETI in this getup!
Daniel: [Posing as a caller for the housekeeper ad, this time with a German accent] Yeah, my name is Elsa Emmelman, and I want to know how many children do you have.
Miranda: I have two girls and a boy.
Daniel: Oh, a boy... I don't "werk" with the males, 'cause I used to be one.
Miranda: [hangs up] Yikes!
Mrs. Doubtfire: [on the show] Oh, a big knock at the door. Who could it be and do we have enough time?
[opens the door and finds the mailman]
Mrs. Doubtfire: Mr. Sprinkles, boys and girls! Hello, Mr. Sprinkles!
Daniel: May I see the ad? Miranda, I just want to look at the ad, I have a right as their father.
Miranda: Fine. Here. Anything else you wanna see?
Daniel: Are you offering?
Miranda: Not any more.
Daniel: What's the change?
Daniel: [panicking while putting on a grey woman's wig and a bathrobe] Ah! Norman Bates!
Daniel: Welcome to Euphegenia's house. A little draughty, but you know. It's nice. What can I do for you?
Miranda: First of all, congratulations on the show.
Daniel: Thanks. You got to see the dress rehearsal, you know.
Miranda: We've... The kids... We've been watching every day.
Daniel: It's nice to know they can see me every day.
Miranda: Look, Daniel. I know it's gonna take a long time to get over all the fights and... all the horrible things we said to each other. It's... It's so hard. But I know somehow you and I will be all right and we'll get through this. But the kids... I don't want to hurt our children.
Daniel: So what do you want me to do? You want me to pretend like everything's all right? Put on a happy face? Smile? Jesus, Miranda. You took my children away from me. I can only see them now with supervision. Some woman who comes and watches me with the kids like I'm some sort of deviant. If I try to hug 'em, she wonders why. You know what that's like? You just sat there in that courtroom, you knew the truth, you didn't say a word and you let that judge pass that despicable sentence.
Miranda: I was angry.
Daniel: Oh, God.
Miranda: Look, you hurt me, too.
Daniel: Oh, you ripped my heart out! Will you come back and do it again!
Miranda: You lied... You lied... Uh, you know what?
Miranda: I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't wanna do "who did what to whom".
Miranda: Ever since this happened, I've been trying to make sense out of it. And the only thing I know to be true in my heart is that the children were happier... when Mrs. Doubtfire was a part of their lives.
Daniel: Oh, yeah?
Miranda: She... She brought out the best in them. She brought out the best in you.
Daniel: And you.
Miranda: Yeah. They miss her terribly.
Daniel: What are you saying?
Miranda: Daniel, the kids need you.
Daniel: I need them.
Daniel: [as Grunge the Cat] Salutations, snack.
Judge: Mr. Hillard, since you've determined to act as your own attorney, you are entitled to make a closing statement at this time.
Daniel: Your Honour, in the past two months, I've secured a residence, I've refurbished that residence and made it "an environment fit for children". Those are your words. I'm also holding down a job as a shipping clerk. So I believe I met your requirements. Ahead of schedule. In regards to my behaviour... I can only plead insanity. Because, ever since my children were born, the moment I looked at them, I was crazy about them. Once I held them, I was hooked. I'm addicted to my children, sir. I love them with all my heart, and the idea of someone telling me I can't be with them, I can't see them ever day... It's like someone saying I can't have air. I can't live without air and I can't live without them. Listen, I would do anything. I just want to be with them. I know I need that, sir. We have a history. And I just... They mean everything to me. And they need me as much as I need them. So, please, don't take my kids away from me. Thank you.
Judge: Mr. Hillard. You've been able to fool a lot of people into believing that you're a 60-year-old woman. No easy task. And your little speech seemed to be... very heartfelt and genuine. But I believe it to be a terrific performance by a very gifted actor. Nothing more.
Daniel: No. It's not that.
Judge: The reality, Mr. Hillard, is that your lifestyle over the past month has been very unorthodox. And I refuse to further subject three innocent children to your peculiar and potentially harmful behaviour. It is this court's decision to award full custody to Mrs. Hillard.
Daniel: Oh, God, no, sir, please.
Judge: You will have supervised visitation rights every Saturday.
Daniel: Supervised, sir?
Judge: Yes. A court liaison will accompany you when you spend time with the children. I am suggesting a period of psychological testing and perhaps treatment for you, Mr. Hillard. We will re-examine this case one year from now. Thank you. Court is adjourned.
Daniel: [Deleted Scene: Miranda opens the door to find Daniel] We need to talk.
Miranda: [Still pissed] I can't talk to you dressed like that!
Daniel: [Seeing he is still dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire] I'll change. May I come in?
[She, angrily, lets him in]
Daniel: [while the children sit in Lydia's room, listening] And you told me 100 times, as Mrs. Doubtfire, that I was wonderful and I would have done it as myself for nothing, but you wouldn't let me do it!
Miranda: There are no excuses! I cannot forgive you ever!
Daniel: I did it because I just wanted to be with the kids!
Miranda: You lied to the kids!
Daniel: I never lied to the kids, okay?
Miranda: What do you mean?
Daniel: They found out!
Miranda: They knew?
Miranda: How dare you?
Daniel: You're just trying to erase it like it doesn't exist! You're trying to destroy the fact that we're a family!
Miranda: This family doesn't work!
Daniel: OH, IT'D WORK IF YOU LET IT WORK!
Miranda: YOU'RE HARMFUL FOR THEM TO BE IN THIS FAMILY THAN IT IS FOR THEM TO BE IN A DIVORCED FAMILY! THAT THEY CAN ADJUST TO!
Daniel: NO, THEY CAN'T ADJUST TO THAT! I'M THEIR FATHER! THEY LOVE ME!
Miranda: I'M THEIR MOTHER! THEY LOVE ME!
[All 3 children are standing on the stairs]
Lydie: [Crying] I HATE YOU BOTH!
[She storms back upstairs, with Natalie right behind her]
Chris: [Stays behind, crying] Me, too.