Quotes

Army of Darkness

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Ash: Yeah!
[after shooting King Arthur's sword in half]
Ash: Alright you Primitive Screwheads, listen up! You see this? This... is my BOOMSTICK! The twelve-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about a hundred and nine, ninety five. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that?

[last lines]
Ash: [voiceover] Sure, I could have stayed in the past. I could have even been king. But in my own way, I *am* king.
[Ash grabs girl close]
Ash: Hail to the king, baby.
[Ash kisses the girl]

[In a passionate moment of romance]
Ash: Gimme some sugar, baby.

[Upon getting the powered glove in place of his right hand]
Ash: Groovy.

Ash: [alternate take after shooting Evil Ash] I ain't that good.

Duke Henry: You Sir, are not one of my vassals... who are you?
Ash: Who wants to know?
Duke Henry: I am Henry the Red. Duke of Shale, Lord of the Northlands and leader of its peoples.
Ash: Well hello Mister Fancypants. Well, I've got news for you pal, you ain't leadin' but two things, right now: Jack and shit... and Jack left town.

Sheila: You found me beautiful once...
Ash: Honey, you got reeeal ugly!

[from Director's Cut]
Ash: What are you? Are you me?
Evil Ash: Whad are do? Are do be? HAHAHAHAHAH! You sound like a jerk!
Ash: Why ya doin' this, huh?
Evil Ash: Oh, you wanna know? 'Cause the answer's easy! I'm BAD Ash... and you're GOOD Ash! You're a goody little two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes!
[begins to sucker-punch Ash]
Evil Ash: Goody little TWO-SHOES! Goody little TWO-SHOES! HEHEHEHEHE!
[honk honk honk]
Evil Ash: GOODY LITTLE TWO-SHOES! GOODY LITTLE...
Ash: [cocks shotgun and points it under Evil Ash's nose]
[nods head and shoots him]
Ash: Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun.

Old Woman: I'll swallow your soul!
Ash: Come get some.

Arthur: Are all men from the future loud-mouthed braggarts?
Ash: Nope. Just me baby... Just me.

Ash: [to the Witch] Yo, she-bitch! Let's go!

Sheila: But what of all those sweet words you spoke in private?
Ash: Oh that's just what we call pillow talk, baby, that's all.

Ash: Don't touch that please, your primitive intellect wouldn't understand alloys and compositions and things with... molecular structures.

Ash: Klaatu Barada N... necktie... nectar... nickel... noodle. It's an "N" word, it's definitely an "N" word! Klaatu... Barada... N...
[coughs]
Ash: [pause] Okay then... that's it!

[Sheila wants to apologize to Ash]
Ash: First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow.

Wiseman: When you removed the book from the cradle, did you speak the words?
Ash: Yeah, basically.
Wiseman: Did you speak the exact words?
Ash: Look, maybe I didn't say every single little tiny syllable, no. But basically I said them, yeah.

Ash: Lady, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the store.
Possessed woman: Who the hell are you?
Ash: Name's Ash.
[cocks rifle]
Ash: Housewares.

[after Ash chops up Evil Ash with a chainsaw and throws him into a hole]
Evil Ash: [demonic tone] You shall never retrieve the Necronomicon! You'll die in the graveyard before ya get it!
Ash: Hey! What's that you got on your face?
Evil Ash: Huh?
[Ash throws dirt on Evil Ash's face]
Ash: See how that works?

[when Sheila walks into the blacksmith's shop to talk to Ash]
Ash: What? Were you raised in a barn? Shut the door! Probably was raised in a barn, along with the other primitives.

Ash: Maybe. Just maybe my boys can protect the book. Yeah, and maybe I'm a Chinese jet pilot.

[first lines]
Ash: [opening voiceover] My name is Ash and I am a slave. Close as I can figure, the year is thirteen hundred A.D. and I'm being dragged to my death. It wasn't always like this. I had a real life, once. A job.
Ash: [in flashback, dressed in an S-Mart uniform smock] Umm... Hardware, aisle twelve. Shop smart, shop S-Mart!
Ash: [voiceover] I had a wonderful girlfriend, Linda. Together we drove to a small cabin in the mountains. It seems an archeologist had come to this remote place to translate and study his latest find: Necronomicon ex Mortis, the Book of the Dead. Bound in human flesh and inked in blood, this ancient Sumerian text contained bizarre burial rights, funerary incantations, and demon resurrection passages. It was never meant for the world of the living. The book awoke something dark in the woods, something evil.
Linda: [Screaming as something crashes through the window of the cabin]
Ash: [voiceover] It took Linda, then it came after me. It got into my hand and it went bad, so I lopped it off at the wrist.
[Ash prepares to cut off his hand with a chainsaw, laughing dementedly, then screaming in pain]
Ash: [voiceover] But that didn't stop it, it came back big time.
Ash: [Clinging to the cabin doorway as a vortex conjured by the book pulls at him] For God's sake how do you stop it?
[the board he's holding breaks, and Ash falls into the vortex as the opening credits start]

Ash: It's a trick. Get an axe.

Ash: Now I swear, the next one of you primates even *touches* me...

Ash: Klaatu Barada Nikto.
Wiseman: Well, repeat them.
Ash: Klaatu Barada Nikto.
Wiseman: Again.
Ash: I got it, I got it! I know your damn words, alright?

Ash: [soldiers cheer as Ash returns with the Necronomicon] Yeah, great, great.
Ash: [as the soldiers crowd him, Ash pushes one aside] Get the fuck out of my face.

Evil Ash: You're going down!
Ash: I'm going up!

[as undead Ash stands triumphant on catapult]
Ash: Buckle up Bonehead. 'Cause you're goin' for a ride!

Evil Ash: I got a bone to pick with you.

Ash: [trying to kill a small Ash that has jumped into his mouth and into his stomach, he gets a kettle of boiling water] Okay, little fella, here's a little
[shouts]
Ash: hot chocolate for ya! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Deadite Captain: [pulling a newly animated skeleton from the grave] Welcome back to the land of the livin'... NOW PICK UP A SHOVEL AND GET DIGGING!

Ash: Alright. Who wants some?

Ash: [after reaching the location of the Necronomicon, and finding three identical books]
[scratches himself in the head]
Ash: Three books?... Wait a minute... Hold it... Nobody said anything about three books! Like, like what am I supposed to do, take... take one book, or all books, or... or what?

[Directors cut ending: a long-bearded Ash emerges from a cave where he's been asleep for 700 years. He looks overjoyed]
Ash: Ha ha. Manufactured parts. Ha...
[Look of joy turns to horror as he sees a world devastated by nuclear war]
Ash: No. No. Oh God I slept too long!
Ash: [as the credits start] Hahahahahahahahaha...

Evil Ash: You're pissing me off, you ugly son of a bitch!

[to his skeleton minions, who are digging up corpses in a graveyard]
Evil Ash: Dig, damn you! Dig faster! I shall command every worm-infested son-of-a-bitch that ever died in battle!
Skeleton: Thank you, sir!

Ash: Say hello to the twenty-first century!

Ash: [after being sucked into a blackhole in a fake copy of the Necronomicon and struggling back out] Whoa. Wrong book.

Ash: [to Arthur] You know your shoe lace is untied.

Sheila: I may be bad... but I feel gooood.

Ash: That's it, go ahead and run. Run home and cry to mama!

Ash: I know you're scared; we're all scared, but that doesn't mean we're cowards. We can take these skeletons, we can take them, with science.

Ash: So what's the deal? Can you send me back or not?
Wiseman: Only the Necronomicon has the power. An unholy book which we also require. Within its pages are passages that can send you back to your time. Only you the promised one can quest for it.
Ash: I don't want your book, I don't want your bullshit. Just send me back to my own time, pronto, today. Chop chop!

Skeleton: Let's get the hell out of here!

Old Woman: Into the pit with those bloody-thirsty sons of whores!

Ash: [stomping after the mini Ashs] London bridge is falling down, falling down, falling doown!
[steps on a nail held by the mini Ashes]
Mini Ashs: My fair lady ha!