Wayne's World (1992)

Dana Carvey: Garth Algar

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Quotes 

• Garth Algar : Benjamin is nobody's friend. If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he'd be pralines and dick.

• [Wayne and Garth are lying on the hood of the mirth-mobile, staring at the starlit sky] 

  Garth Algar : Sometimes I wish I could boldly go where no man has gone before... but I'll probably stay in Aurora. What are you thinking about?

  Wayne Campbell : Cassandra. She's a fox. In French, she would be called "la renarde" and she would be hunted with only her cunning to protect her.

  Garth Algar : She's a babe.

  Wayne Campbell : She's a robo-babe. In Latin, she would be called "babia majora".

  Garth Algar : If she were a president, she would be Baberham Lincoln.

  [a brief pause] 

  Garth Algar : Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played a girl bunny?

  Wayne Campbell : No.

  [cracks up laughing] 

  Wayne Campbell : No.

  Garth Algar : Neither did I. I was just asking.

• Garth Algar : Uh oh. Don't look. Stacy.

  Wayne Campbell : Where? Oh, God, I made eye contact.

  Garth Algar : Psycho hose beast.

  Stacy : Happy anniversary, Wayne.

  Wayne Campbell : Stacy, we broke up two months ago.

  Stacy : Well that doesn't mean we can't still go out.

  Wayne Campbell : Well it does, actually. That's what breaking up is.

  Stacy : Well, are you going to go to the Gasworks tonight?

  Wayne Campbell : No.

  Stacy : Don't you want to open your present?

  Wayne Campbell : If it's a severed head, I'm going to be very upset.

  Stacy : Open it.

  Wayne Campbell : Ok. What is it?

  Stacy : It's a gun rack.

  Wayne Campbell : A gun rack... a gun rack. I don't even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do with a gun rack?

  Stacy : You don't like it? Fine. You know Wayne, if you're not careful, you're going to lose me.

  Wayne Campbell : I lost you two months ago. Are you mental? We broke up. Get the net!

• Benjamin : Wayne! Listen, we need to have a talk about Vanderhoff. The fact is he's the sponsor and you signed a contract guaranteeing him certain concessions, one of them being a spot on the show.

  Wayne Campbell : [holding a Pizza Hut box]  Well that's where I see things just a little differently. Contract or no, I will not bow to any sponsor.

  Benjamin : I'm sorry you feel that way, but basically it's the nature of the beast.

  Wayne Campbell : [holding a bag of Doritos]  Maybe I'm wrong on this one, but for me, the beast doesn't include selling out. Garth, you know what I'm talking about, right?

  Garth Algar : [wearing Reebok wardrobe]  It's like people only do these things because they can get paid. And that's just really sad.

  Wayne Campbell : I can't talk about it anymore; it's giving me a headache.

  Garth Algar : Here, take two of these!

  [Dumps two Nuprin pills into Wayne's hand] 

  Wayne Campbell : Ah, Nuprin. Little. Yellow. Different.

  Benjamin : Look, you can stay here in the big leagues and play by the rules, or you can go back to the farm club in Aurora. It's your choice.

  Wayne Campbell : [holding a can of Pepsi]  Yes, and it's the choice of a new generation.

• Garth Algar : Uhm, Wayne? What do you do if every time you see this one incredible woman, you think you're gonna hurl?

  Wayne Campbell : I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. But if you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.

• Garth Algar : OK... First I'll access the secret military spy satellite that's in a geosynchronous orbit over the Midwest. Then, I'll ID the limo by the vanity plate "MR. BIGGG" and get his approximate position. Then, I'll reposition the transmitter dish on the remote truck to 17.32 degrees east, hit WESTAR 4 over the Atlantic, bounce the signal down into the Azores, up to COMSAT 6, beam it back to SATCOM 2 transmitter number 137, and down on the dish on the back of Mr. Big's limo... It's almost too easy.

• Wayne Campbell : Well, that's all the time we had for our movie. We hope you found it entertaining, whimsical and yet relevant, with an underlying revisionist conceit that belied the films emotional attachments to the subject matter.

  Garth Algar : I just hoped you didn't think it sucked.

• [Holding Claudia Schiffer picture] 

  Garth Algar : Hey, are you done yet? I'm getting tired of holding it.

  Wayne Campbell : Yeah, that's what she said.

• [Talking about Claudia Schiffer] 

  Wayne Campbell : She's a babe.

  Garth Algar : She's magically babelicious.

  Wayne Campbell : She tested very high on the stroke-ability scale.

• Wayne Campbell , Garth Algar : [to Alice Cooper]  We're not worthy! We're not worthy!

  Garth Algar : We're scum!

  Wayne Campbell : We suck!

• Garth Algar : [reading Benjamin's planner aloud]  "Daily reminder, Thursday: Purchase feeble public access cable show and exploit it." Gee, I feel sorry for whoever *that* is.

• Garth Algar : That bass player's a babe. She makes me feel kinda funny, like when we used to climb the rope in gym class.

• [Garth plays an astonishing drum solo in the music store] 

  Guy : You are like... amazing... dude.

  Garth Algar : Thanks. I like to play.

• Garth Algar : Ribbed for her pleasure. Ewww.

• Garth Algar : Okay, pop quiz. Cassandra is not interested in Benjamin because... A: Chicks think he's handsome, B: has cool car, C: has lots of cash, D: has no visible scars, E: does not live with parents.

  Wayne Campbell : Okay, how about, F: you're a gimp. You know what you can do with your pop quiz?

  Garth Algar : Well, you know what you can do with your show? You can take a flying...

  [a passing jet liner mutes out most of what he says] 

  Garth Algar : ...till the handle breaks off and you have to get a doctor to pull it out again!

  Wayne Campbell : You kiss your mother with that mouth?

• Garth Algar : Hey Mr. Donut Man, who's trying to kill ya? I don't know but they better not!

• Garth Algar : We fear change.

• Wayne Campbell : [next to a Cop]  I smell bacon. Does anyone else smell bacon?

  Garth Algar : I definitely smell a pork product of some kind.

• Garth Algar : Uh, Wayne?

  Wayne Campbell : Yeah?

  Garth Algar : Do you ever get the feeling Benjamin's just using us?

  Wayne Campbell : Good call. It's like he wants us to be liked by everyone. I mean Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes everybody liked. They left that to the Bee Gees.

• [after being stranded] 

  Garth Algar : I'm having a good time... *not*!

• Benjamin Kane : So Garth, what do you think so far?

  Garth Algar : [describing his feelings of the new set]  It's like a new pair of underwear: At first, it's constrictive, but after awhile it becomes a part of you.

  [the Vanderhoffs give him an odd look] 

• Wayne Campbell : Kiss your mother with that mouth? I'm gettin' outta here, Damien!

  Garth Algar : Fine then, go!

  Wayne Campbell : I'm gone!

  Garth Algar : Go then!

  Wayne Campbell : But I am!

  Garth Algar : Go!

  Wayne Campbell : I'm Gone!

  Garth Algar : Go then!

  Wayne Campbell : But I am!

• Garth Algar : Did you ever see that "Twilight Zone" where the guy signed a contract and they cut out his tongue and put it in a jar and it wouldn't die, it just grew and pulsated and gave birth to baby tongues? Pretty cool, huh?

• Garth Algar : [getting a suck-cut]  Aaaahh! Turn it off man, turn it off! It's sucking my will to live! Oh, the humanity!

• Garth Algar : We're looking down on Wayne's basement. Only that's not Wayne's basement. Isn't that weird?

  Wayne Campbell : Yeah, that's weird, man, that's weird. Garth! That was a haiku!

• Wayne Campbell : No way!

  Garth Algar : Way!

• [Holds out a Dixie cup] 

  Garth Algar : Hey Phil, if you're gonna spew, spew into this.

• Benjamin : First, let me get this out of the way - I'm a big fan.

  Garth Algar : You are?

  Benjamin : The way I see it, your show is capable of so much more.

  Garth Algar : Well, we'll try harder, OK? Just give us a second chance. Just don't go and cancel us without giving us a second chance.

• Benjamin : Do you have a lawyer?

  Wayne Campbell : Yes. Ahm, no. We're between lawyers right now. You see, our first lawyer screwed our affairs so bad.

  Garth Algar : That's right. I walked right to that office - that's what I did - and I reached across that desk and I grabbed him by his big fat head and I said "Listen, man. I'm not going to jail for *you* or for anybody."

• Terry : Wayne. Wayne. Garth told me about the show, man. I love you man.

  Wayne Campbell : Yeah, and I love you too, Terry.

  Terry : No, no, no. I mean it man. I LOVE you.

  Wayne Campbell : No, I-I mean it. I love you.

  Terry : No, you don't, man. I love you.

  Wayne Campbell : [being hugged by Terry]  Garth. Hey, come over here, I think Terry has something he wants to say to you.

  Terry : I love you, man.

  Garth Algar : Thank you.

• Garth Algar : Let me tell you something about women, Wayne. They want you to come get them. They LOVE it.

• [Wayne opens a door to show a bunch of spies in training] 

  Garth Algar : What are you gonna do with these guys?

  Wayne Campbell : Oh, nothing really. I just always wanted to open a door to room where people are being trained like in James Bond movies.

• [last lines] 

  Cassandra : I love you, Wayne.

  Wayne Campbell : I love you, Cassandra.

  Dreamwoman : I love you, Garth.

  Garth Algar : I love you, dreamwoman.

  Noah Vanderhoff : You know, ever since I did your show, kids are looking at me in a whole new way.

  Terry : I love you, man.

  Russel : And I love you. Because I've learned that Platonic love *can* exist between two grown men.

  Benjamin : And I've learned something, too. I've learned that a flawless profile, a perfect body, the right clothes, and a great car can get you far in America - almost to the top - but it can't get you everything.

  Wayne Campbell : Isn't it great that we're all better people?

  [beat] 

  Wayne Campbell , Garth Algar : FISHED IN!

• Stacy : Hi, Garth.

  Garth Algar : Hi.

  Stacy : I'm looking for Wayne. I'm very concerned about him; he seems to be going through a difficult phase right now, ya know. What do you think it is?

  Garth Algar : That you're mental.

  Stacy : You know him best, what do you think I should do?

  Garth Algar : Just get over it and go out with somebody else.

  Stacy : "Get over it go out with somebody else." Yeah, thanks, OK, great. Hi.

• Wayne Campbell : Phil, what are you doing here? You're partied out, man. Again.

  Garth Algar : What if he honks in the car?

  Wayne Campbell : I'm giving you a no-honk guarantee.

• Garth Algar : [playing street hockey with Wayne and blocking a goal]  Gretzky denied!

• Garth Algar : [to camera]  Hey, why is this guy being so nice to us?

• [last lines] 

  Garth Algar : You know, I, I don't think anyone's gonna tell us when to leave.

  Wayne Campbell : Yeah, good call, Garth. Uh, I'll bet we're just gonna sit here, and when they're finished, they'll fade to black.

  [screen fades to black] 

  Garth Algar : I can't believe they did that.

  Wayne Campbell : I told ya.

• [Wayne and Garth are driving along the Interstate 94 - Edens Expressway northbound towards Milwaukee] 

  Garth Algar : We should be pretty close to Milwaukee by now.

  [Garth slices off a long piece of red rope licorice and eats it] 

  Wayne Campbell : Look! There's Shotz Brewery!

  Garth Algar : Cool!