Macaulay Culkin: Kevin
Kevin McCallister : Howdy do. This is Peter McCallister, the father. I'd like a hotel room please, with an extra large bed, a TV, and one of those little refrigerators you have to open with a key. Credit card? You got it.
Kevin McCallister : You can mess with a lot of things, but you can't mess with kids on Christmas.
Bird Lady : The man I loved fell out of love with me. That broke my heart. When the chance to be loved came along again, I ran away from it. I stopped trusting people.
Kevin McCallister : No offense, but that seems like sort of a dumb thing to do.
Bird Lady : I was afraid of getting my heart broken again. Sometimes you can trust a person, and then, when things are down, they forget about you.
Kevin McCallister : Maybe they're just too busy. Maybe they don't forget about you, but they forget to remember you. People don't mean to forget. My grandfather says if my head wasn't screwed on, I'd leave it on the school bus.
Bird Lady : I'm just afraid if I do trust someone, I'll get my heart broken.
Kevin McCallister : I understand. I had a nice pair of rollerblades. I was afraid to wreck them, so I kept them in a box. Do you know what happened? I outgrew them. I never wore them outside. Only in my room a few times.
Bird Lady : A person's heart and feelings are very different than skates.
Kevin McCallister : They're kind of the same thing. If you won't use your heart, who cares if it gets broken? If you just keep it to yourself, maybe it'll be like my rollerblades. When you do decide to try it, it won't be any good. You should take a chance. Got nothing to lose.
Bird Lady : Little truth in there somewhere.
Kevin McCallister : I think so. Your heart might still be broken, but it isn't gone. If it was gone, you wouldn't be so nice.
Bird Lady : Thank you. Do you know it's been a couple of years since I've talked to anybody?
Kevin McCallister : That's okay. You're good at it. You're not boring. You don't mumble or spit. You should do it more often. Just wear an outfit with no pigeon poop on it.
Bird Lady : I have been working very hard at keeping people away.
Kevin McCallister : I don't care how much people bug me, I'd rather be with someone than alone.
Bird Lady : So what are you doing alone on Christmas Eve? You did something wrong?
Kevin McCallister : A lot of things.
Bird Lady : Did you know that a good deed erases a bad deed?
Kevin McCallister : It's late. I don't know if I'll have enough time to do enough good deeds to erase all my bad ones.
Bird Lady : It's Christmas Eve. Good deeds count extra tonight. Think of an important thing you can do for others, and go do it. Just follow the star in your heart.
Kevin McCallister : Okay... It's getting pretty late. I'd better get going. If I don't see you, I hope everything turns out okay.
Bird Lady : Thank you.
Kevin McCallister : Tell the birds I said goodbye.
Bird Lady : I will.
Kevin McCallister : If you need somebody to trust, it can be me. I won't forget to remember you.
Bird Lady : Don't make promises you can't keep.
Peter McCallister : Hey Kevin, you better go put your tie on. We don't wanna be late for the Christmas pageant.
Kevin McCallister : My tie is in the bathroom and I can't go in because Uncle Frank is taking a shower. He says that if I walked in there and saw him naked, I'd grow up never feeling like a real man.
[Peter and Kate stare]
Kevin McCallister : Whatever that means.
Peter McCallister : [after a pause, chuckles] I'm sure he was kidding. Just, uh, run in there, get your tie, get out, and don't look at... Anything.
Kevin McCallister : Don't you know a kid always wins against two idiots?
Mr. E.F. Duncan, Owner Duncan's Toy Chest : You see that tree there? Well, to show our appreciation for your generosity, I'm gonna let you select an object from that tree that you can take home with you.
Kevin McCallister : For free?
Mr. E.F. Duncan, Owner Duncan's Toy Chest : Oh, yes. Oh, and may I make a suggestion? Take the turtle doves.
Kevin McCallister : I can have two?
Mr. E.F. Duncan, Owner Duncan's Toy Chest : Well, two turtle doves. I'll tell you what you do: you keep one, and you give the other one to a very special person. You see, turtle doves are a symbol of friendship and love. And as long as each of you has your turtle dove, you'll be friends forever.
Kevin McCallister : Wow, I never knew that. I thought they were just part of a song.
Mr. E.F. Duncan, Owner Duncan's Toy Chest : They are. And for that very special reason.
Officer Bennett : [talking to Peter McCallister, and finding out that Kevin has credit cards] We'll notify the credit card companies immediately. IF you son has the cards, we can get the location on him, *when* and if he uses them.
Kate McCallister : No, I don't think Kevin even knows how to use a credit card.
[at the Plaza Hotel, Mrs. Stone puts the credit card into payment]
Kevin McCallister : [watching in bewilderment] Wow, it worked.
[Kevin is watching a video of an old gangster movie]
Gangster : [on TV] You was here last night too, wasn't ya?
Dame : [on TV] I was singing at the Blue Monkey last night.
Kevin McCallister : She was not, she was smooching with your brother.
Gangster : You was here. And you was smoochin' with my brother!
Kevin McCallister : See?
Harry : Sonny!
Kevin McCallister : Yes?
Harry : Nothing would thrill me more greatly than to shoot you. Knocking off a youngster ain't gonna mean all that much to me. Okay? But since we're in a hurry, I'll made a deal with you: you throw down your camera and we won't hurt you. You'll never hear from us again. Okay?
Kevin McCallister : You promise?
Harry : I cross my heart and hope to die.
Kate McCallister : Why don't you just sit up here for a while and think things over? When you're ready to apologize to Buzz *and* the rest of the family, you can come down.
Kevin McCallister : I'm not apologizing to Buzz; I'd rather kiss a toilet seat!
Kate McCallister : Then you can stay up here the rest of the night.
Kevin McCallister : Fine, I don't wanna be down there, anyway. I can't trust anybody in this family. And you know what? If I had my own money, I'd go on my own vacation. *Alone*. Without any of you guys. And I'd have the most fun in my whole life.
Kevin McCallister : I'm sorry. You wanted a tip.
Cedrick the Bellman : Um, that won't be necessary, sir. I still have some...
[Shows Kevin a piece of gum]
Cedrick the Bellman : tip left over.
Kevin McCallister : [takes out a bundle of cash] No tip? Okay.
[Kevin closes the door as Cedric repeatedly begs him not to close it]
Cedrick the Bellman : Uh, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait...
Kevin McCallister : It's a nice night for a neck injury.
Kevin McCallister : [staring at the Rockefeller Center tree] I know I don't deserve a Christmas, even if I did do a good deed. I don't want any presents. Instead, I want to take back every mean thing I ever said to my family. Even if they don't take back the things they said to me. I don't care. I love all of them... Including Buzz. I know it isn't possible to see them all. Could I just see my mother? I'll never want another thing as long as I live if I can just see my mother. I know I won't see her tonight, but promise me I can see her again. Sometime. Any time. Even if it's just once and only for a couple of minutes. I just need to tell her I'm sorry.
Kate McCallister : Kevin?
Kevin McCallister : Mom?
[Turns back to the tree]
Kevin McCallister : Wow, that worked fast.
Kevin McCallister : Mom, I'm sorry.
Kate McCallister : I'm sorry, too.
[She laughs, he smiles as they hug]
Kevin McCallister : Merry Christmas, Mom.
Kate McCallister : Merry Christmas, sweetheart
Kate McCallister : Oh, thank you.
Kate McCallister : Come on.
Kevin McCallister : How'd you know I was here.
Kate McCallister : Well, I knew you and Christmas trees, and this is the biggest one around.
Kevin McCallister : Where's everybody else?
Kate McCallister : They're at the hotel. They didn't like the palm trees, either.
Buzz McCallister : Okay, everybody, calm down! Calm down! Hey, hey! All right, now, if Kevin hadn't have screwed up in the first place again... Then we wouldn't be in this most perfect and huge hotel room with a truck load of all this free stuff. So I think it only fair that Kevin get to open up the first present. And then I'll go, and the rest of you, and so on.
[Tosses a package to Kevin]
Buzz McCallister : Merry Christmas, Kevin.
Kevin McCallister : Thanks, Buzz.
Peter McCallister : [the entire family applauds] Merry Christmas, Kevin.
Uncle Frank McCallister : Okaaay, Kevin! All right. Merry Christmas!
Buzz McCallister : Okay enough of this gooey sh... Show of emotion. All right, everyone, let's dig in!
Harry : [Yelling up to Kevin] Sonny.
Kevin McCallister : Yeah!
Harry : Nothing would make me happier than to kill you. Knockin' off a youngster doesn't mean a lot to me. But, since we're in a hurry, I'll make a deal with you. Throw down your camera, and we won't hurt you, you'll never hear from us again.
Kevin McCallister : You promise?
Harry : [Rubbing his chest with his finger] I cross my heart and hope to die.
Kevin McCallister : Okay.
Harry : Okay, kid. Give it to me.
[Then Kevin picks up a brick and tosses it down, hitting Marv and he collapses to the ground]
Kevin McCallister : Direct hit!
Harry : [Holds up his fingers] How many fingers am I holding up, Marv?
Marv : [Dazed] Uh, eight.
Harry : [to Kevin] Okay, kid. You wanna throw bricks, go ahead and throw another one.
[Kevin throws another brick and it hits Marv]
Harry : If you can't do any better than that kid, you're gonna lose.
Marv : Harry, no.
[Kevin throws down another brick, hitting Marv again]
Harry : You got anymore?
Harry : C'mon Marv! Get up! He don't got anymore bricks. He's out of 'em.
[Marv points up and makes incoherent noises, signaling that Kevin is about to throw another brick]
Harry : What?
[Kevin throws the brick, and once again hits Marv]
Harry : That did it! Nobody throws bricks at me and gets away with it.
Harry : C'mon Marv. Get up. You go this way, I'll go around back.
Marv : [Still Dazed] Harry. Harry. Harry.
Buzz McCallister : [after making a formal apology to the family; whispers to Kevin] Beat that, you little trout sniffer.
Kevin McCallister : [gets up] I'm not sorry. I did what I did because Buzz humiliated me and since he gets away with everything, I let him have it. And since you're all so STUPID to believe his lies, I don't care if your idiotic Florida trip gets wrecked or not! Who wants to spend Christmas in a tropical climate, anyway?
[turns to leave]
Kate McCallister : Kevin!
Peter McCallister : Kevin, you walk out of here, you sleep on the third floor.
Fuller McCallister : [gleefully] Yeah, with me.
Kevin McCallister : So what else is new?
Uncle Frank McCallister : You better not wreck my trip, you little sour puss, your dad's paying good money for it.
Kevin McCallister : Oh, wouldn't wanna spoil your fun, Mr. Cheapskate!
Buzz McCallister : What a troubled young man.
Mrs. Stone, Desk Clerk : I'm confused.
Kevin McCallister : I'm traveling with my dad. He's at a meeting. I hate meetings. Plus I'm not allowed to go in. I can only sit in the lobby. That's boring. So he dropped me off here. He gave me his credit card and told me to give this to whoever was welcoming people in so I won't get into mischief. And ma'am, sometimes I do get into mischief. We all do!
Mrs. Stone, Desk Clerk : Can I help you?
Kevin McCallister : A reservation for McCallister?
Mrs. Stone, Desk Clerk : A reservation for yourself?
Kevin McCallister : Ma'am, my feet are hardly touching the ground. I'm barely able to look over the counter. How can I make a reservation for a hotel room? Think about it. A kid coming into a hotel, making a reservation? I don't think so.
Mr. Hector, Hotel Concierge : I do hope your father understands that last night I was simply checking the room to make sure everything was in order.
Kevin McCallister : Well he was pretty mad.
Mr. Hector, Hotel Concierge : He was?
Kevin McCallister : He said he didn't come all the way to New York to get his naked rear end spied on.
Cedrick the Bellman : [presents a pair of boxers] Your drawers, sir.
Kevin McCallister : [grabs them] Geez! Don't flash these babies around here; there could be girls on this floor!
Cedrick the Bellman : I was very careful, sir.
Kevin McCallister : You can't be too careful when it involves underwear.
Cedrick the Bellman : I understand.
Hotel Operator : Plaza hotel reservations. May I help you?
Kevin McCallister : [using a tape recorder in a low voice] How do you do? This is Peter McCallister the father.
Hotel Operator : Yes, sir.
Kevin McCallister : I'd like a hotel room please...
Hotel Operator : Yes.
Kevin McCallister : ...with an extra large bed, a TV, and one of those little refrigerators you have to open with a key.
Hotel Operator : Yes, sir. You'll need a major credit card upon check in.
Kevin McCallister : Credit card? You got it.
Hotel Operator : Thank you. Enjoy your stay.
Buzz McCallister : [looking at the Christmas tree] Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...
[turns around to face the family]
Buzz McCallister : I'd like to apologize to my family for whatever displeasure I may have caused you...
Kevin McCallister : What?
Buzz McCallister : My prank was immature and ill-timed.
Uncle Frank McCallister : Immature or not, it was pretty gol-darn hilarious.
[laughs while everyone else glares]
Buzz McCallister : I'd also like to apologize to my brother. Kevin, I'm sorry.
Kevin McCallister : [to himself] You're all a bunch of jerks.
Kate McCallister : [Coming into the room] Hi. You know, Kevin, the last time we all tried to take a trip, we had a problem that started just like this.
Kevin McCallister : Yeah, with me getting crapped on.
Kate McCallister : I don't care for your choice of words. That is not what happened last time, that is not what is happening this time. Buzz apologized to you.
Kevin McCallister : [Sitting up, turning to face her] Yeah, then he called me a trout sniffer. He didn't mean what he said, he was just sucking up to you.
Kate McCallister : Okay. Why don't you sit up here for awhile and think things over. When you're ready to apologize to Buzz and to the rest of your family, then come down.
[She turns to leave]
Kevin McCallister : I'm not apologizing to Buzz! I'd rather kiss a toilet seat.
Kate McCallister : Then you can sit up her for the rest of the night.
Kevin McCallister : Fine. I don't wanna be down there anyway. I can't trust anyone in this family and do you know what? If I had my own money, I'd go on my own vacation, alone, without any of you guys and I'd have the most fun in my whole life.
Kate McCallister : Well, you got your wish last year. Maybe you'll get it again this year.
Kevin McCallister : I hope so.
[Kate turns around and leaves]
Buzz McCallister : [to himself] Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...
[Turns to face his family]
Buzz McCallister : I'd like to apologize to my family for any inconvenience I may have caused you.
Kevin McCallister : [to himself, in disbelief] What?
Buzz McCallister : My prank was immature and ill-timed.
Uncle Frank McCallister : [laughing] Immature, but it was still pretty Goddarn hilarious.
Buzz McCallister : I'd also like to apologize to my brother: Kevin, I'm sorry.
Kate McCallister : Oh, Buzz, that was very nice.
[the family claps]
Kate McCallister : Kevin, do you have something to say?
Kevin McCallister : [Looking around at his family, staring at him with judging expressions]
Buzz McCallister : [Softly to Kevin] Beat that, you little trout sniffer.
Kevin McCallister : I'm not sorry. I did what I did because Buzz humiliated me. And since he gets away with everything, I'll let him have it. And since you're all so stupid to believe his lies, I don't care if you're idiotic Florida trip gets wrecked or not. Who wants to spend Christmas in a tropical climate anyway?
[Starts to walk away, angry]
Kate McCallister : Kevin!
Peter McCallister : Kevin, you walk outta here and you'll sleep on the 3rd floor.
Fuller McCallister : [In a bratty manner] Yeah, with me.
[Takes a sip from his Coke can]
Kevin McCallister : [Sarcastically] So, what else is new?
Uncle Frank McCallister : You better not wreck my trip, you little sourpuss. Your Dad's paying good money for it.
Kevin McCallister : Oh, wouldn't want to spoil you're fun, Mr. Cheapskate.
[Leaves the room, leaving the family in shock]
Buzz McCallister : [In a kiss-up tone] What a troubled young man.
Kevin McCallister : Why do we have to go to Florida? There's no Christmas trees in Florida.
Kate McCallister : Kevin, what is it with you and Christmas trees?
Kevin McCallister : How could you have Christmas without a Christmas tree, Mom?
Kate McCallister : Well... Find a nice, fake silver one. Or decorate a palm tree.
Kevin McCallister : My grandfather says if my head wasn't screwed on, I'd leave it on the school bus.
Kevin McCallister : [voiceover as he's riding in a carriage's trunk] I wanna go home. Mom, where are you?
Kevin McCallister : [trying to pack up after it is discovered that he stole his dad's credit card] I've had enough of this vacation. I'm going home.
[Marv and Harry are climbing down a rope to get to Kevin]
Marv : [sniffing] Harry? You wearin' aftershave?
Harry : That's not aftershave, that's kerosene. The rope is soaked in it!
Marv : [chuckles] WHO would want to soak a rope in kerosene?
[Kevin strikes a match]
Kevin McCallister : Merry Christmas!
Harry : [screams] GO UP!
Kevin McCallister : [peeking through the mail slot of his uncle's brownstone] Hello! Uncle Rob? Aunt Georgette? Anybody home? Hello! Anybody home? It's me, your favorite nephew Kevin. Uncle Rob! Aunt Georgette!
Marv : Come on. He went to the second floor.
Kevin McCallister : Hey! Why don't you guys try the stairs?
Marv : Right.
Harry : Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't you remember what happened last year?
Marv : No.
Harry : Watch this. Let's get him!
[as he makes footstep sounds on the stairs, Kevin throws a tied-off paint can down]
Harry : [pretending to get hit] Oh! He busted me right in my mouth, Marv! That's one.
Marv : Don't worry, Harry! I'll get him!
[he does the same thing, with Kevin throwing another paint can]
Marv : Ow! Right in the schnozz!
Harry : That's two. Come on, let's get him.
Marv : [as they run up the stairs, Kevin heaves a large pipe down] Oops.
[the force of getting hit knocks them down into the basement]
Marv : That's... three.
Harry : [Kevin cuts the pipe loose, which he sees is about to land on them] No.
Marv : That's... four.
Harry : I've got a gun in my pocket. You open your mouth, and you'll be spitting gum out through your forehead.
[glancing at him and Marv and seeing they're not looking, Kevin reaches out and pinches the butt of the woman in front of them; as she turns around, it happens to be the woman who slapped Marv earlier, and her eyes widen in recognition]
Marv : [trying to be suave again] Well, hello.
[she punches him in the face and he falls over]
Kevin McCallister : [indicating Harry] He did it!
Harry : Did what?
Kevin McCallister : [she punches Harry, too] Thanks!