What About Bob? (1991)
Dr. Leo Marvin: I want some peace and quiet!
Bob Wiley: Well, I'll be quiet.
Siggy: I'll be peace!
[Bob and Siggy burst into giggles]
Dr. Leo Marvin: Are you married?
Bob Wiley: I'm divorced.
Dr. Leo Marvin: Would you like to talk about that?
Bob Wiley: There are two types of people in this world: Those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don't. My ex-wife loves him.
Dr. Leo Marvin: [pause] I see. So, what you're saying is that even though you are an almost-paralyzed, multiphobic personality who is in a constant state of panic, your wife did not leave you, you left her because she... liked Neil Diamond?
Dr. Leo Marvin: You think he's gone? He's not gone. That's the whole point! He's never gone!
[Leo opens the door; there's Bob]
Bob Wiley: Is this some radical new therapy?
Dr. Leo Marvin: YOU SEE?
Bob Wiley: [speaking to workers in a mental hospital] It reminds me of my favorite poem, which is, "Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic... and so am I!"
Bob Wiley: [telling a joke] The doctor draws two circles and says "What do you see?" the guy says "Sex."
Bob Wiley: Wait a minute, I haven't even told the joke yet! So the doctor draws trees, "What do you see?" the guy says "sex". The doctor draws a car, owl, "Sex, sex, sex". The doctor says to him "You are obsessed with sex", he replies "Well you're the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"
[Leo has a rifle pointed at Bob]
Bob Wiley: What are we doing?
Dr. Leo Marvin: Death Therapy, Bob. It's a guaranteed cure.
Bob Wiley: You ever hear of Tourette's syndrome? Involuntarily shouting profanity?
Dr. Leo Marvin: It's exceptionally rare.
Bob Wiley: Shit-eating son-of-a-bitch! Bastard, douche-bag, twat, numb-nuts, dickhead, BITCH!
Dr. Leo Marvin: Why exactly are you doing this?
Bob Wiley: If I fake it, then I don't have it.
Bob Wiley: I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful... I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful... I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful...
[Leo is strapping a bomb to Bob]
Dr. Leo Marvin: This is black powder, Bob. One teaspoon of this stuff can blow up a tree stump. There we go!
Bob Wiley: And, how much is this?
Dr. Leo Marvin: Twenty pounds worth.
Bob Wiley: Bob, privately conversing with the Marvin family on front porch about Dr. Marvin. "We can't be expected to understand him. He is so far above us. We are like ropes on the Goodyear Blimp."
Dr. Leo Marvin: You understand, don't you? There's no other solution. You won't go away.
Bob Wiley: I will.
Dr. Leo Marvin: No, you won't. You're just *saying* you will! But then, after I don't kill you, you'll show up again. And you'll do something else to make everyone in my life think you are wonderful and I'm a schmuck. But I'm not a schmuck, Bob, and I'm not going to let you breeze into town and take my family away from me, just because you're crazy enough to be *fun*.
Bob Wiley: ...baby step onto the elevator... baby step into the elevator... I'm *in* the elevator.
Bob Wiley: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Siggy: I mean, my Dad just dropped me in the water, without warning me first. I mean, I nearly drowned! My whole life flashed before my eyes!
Bob Wiley: Wow, you're lucky you're only twelve.
Siggy: It was still grim.
Dr. Leo Marvin: Why are you always wearing black? What is it with you and this death fixation?
Siggy: Maybe I'm in mourning for my lost childhood.
Bob Wiley: [to man on bus] Hi, I'm Bob. Would you knock me out, please? Just hit me in the face.
Dr. Leo Marvin: On Wednesday we'll eat Gil... on Thursday we'll eat Bob! Ha ha ha, no no no, that's going too far.
[talking to his fish]
Bob Wiley: Good morning, Gil. I said, good morning, Gil.
Bob Wiley: [riding in Leo's car, speaking as Leo drives] It was an interesting morning, fruitful. But it lacked the intensity that you and I generate together, the sparks that we get one-on-one. We just gotta figure out a way to work around your schedule. Could we work afternoons? Two to four? Three to five? Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday?
Dr. Leo Marvin: AHHHHHH!
[slams the brakes, gets out of the car, walks around, and opens Bob's door]
Bob Wiley: Are you saying you'd rather work mornings?
Dr. Leo Marvin: [nearly incomprehensible] GET OUTTA THE CAR!
Bob Wiley: Goodbye, rat-dick suck-nut!
Siggy: [upstairs] Bye, dog-pissing-barf!
Dr. Leo Marvin: [screams from the bottom of the stairs] Sigmund!
Bob Wiley: Later, testicle-head bosom-beaver!
[looks out the window]
Bob Wiley: Good Morning America's here!
Bob Wiley: Isn't this a breakthrough, that I'm a sailor? I sail? I sail now?
Dr. Leo Marvin: Keep sailing, Bob!
Dr. Catherine Tomsky: If you want to be rid of him, just tell him you won't treat him anymore.
Dr. Leo Marvin: Catherine, that's easy for you to say. The man is, is like, like human Krazy Glue!
Dr. Catherine Tomsky: You should never have let him sleep in your pajamas, Leo.
Dr. Leo Marvin: I can't believe that I'm hearing this!
Dr. Catherine Tomsky: Relax, Leo.
Dr. Leo Marvin: I'm relaxed!
Dr. Catherine Tomsky: Take a vacation.
Dr. Leo Marvin: I'M ON VACATION!
Dr. Catherine Tomsky: Maybe you should check in here for a few days. Get a handle on things!
Bob Wiley: Excuse me, Phil, but with these particular symptoms, is Prozac the right choice?
Lily Marvin: You think Prozac is a mistake?
Bob Wiley: Well, with this kind of manic episode, I would think Librium might be a more effective management tool.
Phil: You could be right. I'll rewrite the prescription.
Bob Wiley: [to himself] ... baby steps get on the bus, baby steps down the aisle, baby steps...
Bob Wiley: Baby step to four o'clock. Baby step to four o'clock.
[Bob and Siggy are jumping on their beds, faking Tourette's syndrome]
Bob Wiley: Shit-for-brains!
Bob Wiley: Dingleberry butt!
Siggy: Snot face!
Bob Wiley: Vulture Vomit!
Siggy: Turkey tits! Belch breath!
Bob Wiley: Well, I get dizzy spells, nausea, cold sweats, hot sweats, fever blisters, difficulty breathing, difficulty swallowing, blurred vision, involuntary trembling, dead hands, numb lips, fingernail sensitivity, pelvic discomfort.
Dr. Leo Marvin: So the real question is, what is the crisis, Bob? What is it you're truly afraid of?
Bob Wiley: What if my heart stops beating? What if I'm looking for a bathroom, I can't find it, and... my bladder explodes?
Dr. Leo Marvin: [Hangs up phone] That patient, the one who called before, he committed suicide.
Fay Marvin: Oh, Leo, how horrible.
Dr. Leo Marvin: Oh well, let's not let it spoil our vacation.
Bob Wiley: [eating corn] Oh, Fay, this is so scrumptious. Is this hand-shucked?
Bob Wiley: [Leo is pulled over by a motorcycle cop for speeding after leaving Bob on the side of a road and is mumbling incoherently. Bob passes by in a pickup truck] Ahoy! Excuse me officer, can you make sure he's home by 7?
[Bob displays 7 fingers for the direction]
Motorcycle Cop: Hey, didn't I see that guy on TV?
[Motorcycle Cop tears off ticket for Leo, who then snatches it angrily]
Minister: Bob Wiley, would you have Lily Marvin to be your beloved wedded wife, to cherish and love till death do you part?
Bob Wiley: I do.
Minister: Lily Marvin, would you have Bob Wiley to be your beloved wedded husband, to cherish and love till death do you part?
Lily Marvin: [smiling] I do.
[Bob heaves a sigh of relief. Bob and Lily smile at one another]
Minister: If anyone wishes to express why these two shouldn't join together in matrimony... speak now, or forever hold your peace.
[the catatonic Leo jiggles his head and makes throaty sounds. No one notices, even Bob, who is looking around]
Minister: Then, By the power invested in me and the state of New York. I pronounce you, man and wife.
Dr. Leo Marvin: [suddenly stands up and shouts] NO!
Siggy: [excitedly shouts] Dad's back!
Anna Marvin: Daddy!
Lily Marvin: Leo!
Lily Marvin: [rushing over] Leo!
[the family surrounds the recovered Leo as everyone applauds]
[the Marvins have told Bob to leave, and they are saying their farewells]
Siggy: Goodbye, green-puking pissant.
Bob Wiley: Later, barf-breath douche-mouth.
[Leo is splattered with mud by a passing car]
Dr. Leo Marvin: Oh, damn... Son-of-a-bitch-and-BOB!
Bob Wiley: What if I'm looking for a bathroom, I can't find one, and my bladder explodes?
Dr. Leo Marvin: You do understand, Bob, don't you? There's no other solution. You won't go away.
Bob Wiley: Oh, yes I will.
Bob Wiley: [during dinner] Fay, this is delicious. Mmm. Mmmmm.
Dr. Leo Marvin: Will you STOP that, please?
Nursing Home Guard: Hey, you're Bob Wiley, aren't you?
Bob Wiley: [excitedly] Yeah.
Nursing Home Guard: I saw you on TV. You were great.