L.A. Story (1991)
Quotes
Harris: Why is it that we don't always recognize the moment when love begins but we always know when it ends?
[Admiring a painting]
Harris: I like the relationships. I mean, each character has his own story. The puppy is a bit too much, but you have to over look things like that in these kinds of paintings. The way he's *holding* her... it's almost... filthy. I mean, he's about to kiss her and she's pulling away. The way the leg's sort of smashed up against her... Phew... Look how he's painted the blouse sort of translucent. You can just make out her breasts underneath and it's sort of touching him about here. It's really... pretty torrid, don't you think? Then of course you have the onlookers peeking at them from behind the doorway like they're all shocked. They wish. Yeah, I must admit, when I see a painting like this, I get emotionally... erect.
[the painting is revealed to be of a red rectangle]
Tom: I'll have a decaf coffee.
Trudi: I'll have a decaf espresso.
Morris Frost: I'll have a double decaf cappuccino.
Ted: Give me decaffeinated coffee ice cream.
Harris: I'll have a half double decaffeinated half-caf, with a twist of lemon.
Trudi: I'll have a twist of lemon.
Tom: I'll have a twist of lemon.
Morris Frost: I'll have a twist of lemon.
Cynthia: I'll have a twist of lemon.
Mr. Perdue, Maitre D' at L'Idiot: You think with a financial statement like this you can have the duck?
Harris: I could never be a woman, 'cause I'd just stay home and play with my breasts all day.
[whilst showing Sara around LA]
Harris: Some of these buildings are over 20 years old.
Mr. Perdue, Maitre D' at L'Idiot: Your usual table, Mr. Christopher?
Carlo Christopher: No, I'd like a good one this time.
Mr. Perdue, Maitre D' at L'Idiot: I'm sorry, that is impossible.
Carlo Christopher: Part of the new cruelty?
Mr. Perdue, Maitre D' at L'Idiot: I'm afraid so.
Harris: Forget for this moment the smog and the cars and the restaurant and the skating and remember only this. A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.
[Harris is trying to convince Sara not to go back to England]
Harris: There comes a time in a person's life when it's now or never. It's now or never. Let me read to you from this book of poems: "O pointy birds, o pointy pointy. Anoint..."
[Sara slams window shut]
Harris: Sitting there at that moment I thought of something else Shakespeare said. He said, "Hey... life is pretty stupid; with lots of hubbub to keep you busy, but really not amounting to much." Of course I'm paraphrasing: "Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."
[Explaining itself, quoting Shakespeare's "Hamlet"]
The Signboard: There are more things in heaven and earth, Harry, than are dreamt of N your philosophy.
Harris: There's someone out there for everyone - even if you need a pickaxe, a compass, and night goggles to find them.
Harris: I call it performance art, but my friend Ariel calls it wasting time. History will decide.
Harris: Let us just say I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it because I was so happy all the time.
Harris: So there I was jabbering at her about my new job as a serious newsman - about anything at all - but all I could think was wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, and most wonderful and yet again, wonderful.
[Harris overhears an amorous couple in the next room]
Harris: They're really excited. They must be cheating on someone.
Harris: I've been thinking about myself and I think I can become the kind of person that's worth you staying for. First of all, I'm a man who can cry. Now it's true, it's usually when I've hurt myself, but it's a start.
Harris: [calling the restaurant] Hello, L'Idiot? Yes, I'd like to make reservations for two for Friday. Saturday? Sunday? Ah good. Eight-thirty. Five-thirty or ten-thirty? Um, five-thirty. Visa... I'm a weatherman... yes, I'm on TV! Renting... I just sold a condo... yes, in this "soft market"... well, I don't see how that's any of your... the low fifties.
Mr. Perdue, Maitre D' at L'Idiot: You think with a statement like this you can have the duck?
Chef: He can have the chicken!
The Signboard: R.U.O.K.?
[Harris' girlfriend slept with his agent]
Harris: And I thought they were only supposed to take 10 percent.
Sara: I keep thinking I'm a grown up, but I'm not.
[repeated line]
Sara: Let your mind go and your body will follow.
[Sara McDowel asks Harris when the right time for deep, sustained, booming sounds were in L.A. We later find out she plays tuba]
Harris: Ah - deep, sustained, booming sounds. Around nine, nine-fifteen.
Harris: Well, maybe you think it's intellectual because you were raised with a banana and an inner tube... This is an intellectual-free zone.
Sharon: Whatever you do, don't get dumped in L.A. I mean, it's not like New York, where you can meet someone walking down the street. In L.A. you practically have to hit someone with your car. In fact, I know girls who speed just to meet cops.
Frank Swan: What do you do for a living, Rollie?
Roland: I deal in English paintings.
Frank Swan: Abstract or realistic?
Roland: Depends on which way you look at them, I suppose.
Harris: You know, you're really nobody in L.A. unless you live in a house with a really big door.
Roland: That's the difference between England and America. The English maintain civil relationships with their exes. Americans sue them.
Harris: [after seeing tiny dinner at L'Idiot's] I'm already finished and I don't remember eating.
Gail, News Anchor: And what a surprise this weekend when the weather turned unseasonably low. Here's Harris Telemacher, our "wacky weatherman" with a report.
Harris: And when the weather dropped down to 58 degrees this weekend, how did you cope?
Man: I went to make sure all the windows were shut.
Harris: And, what about your pets? Were they outside? What happened?
Man: Well, the cats were out till around ten. But it got a little too cold for them and they came in.
Harris: The cats were out till around ten. But it got a little too cold for them and they came in! Well, that's how L.A. coped with that surprise low of 58 degrees that turned the weekend into a real weenie shrinker!
Harris: A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.
Roland: Sara just got off a plane from London.
Trudi: Oh, you must be exhausted.
Sara: Yes, I'm shattered, but it's nothing that some sleep and a good fuck wouldn't cure, as my sister used to say. Ha ha ha.
[Everyone stares]
Roland: You'll have to forgive Sara.
Sara: Oh, it was just... it was just a figure of speech. I've been on a plane for twelve hours next to a crying baby.
Harris: Here, let me not drive for a while.
Harris: [to SanDeE*] Well, thank you for a lovely lunch and enema.
Trudi: One of the first things I always teach my clients is about the point system. You should never have more than seven things on. You know, like your earrings count for two points, those daisies count for three points. But the best thing to do is, right before you go out, look in the mirror and turn around real fast, and the first thing that catches your eye, get rid of it. I mean, I had this thing in my hair before I left, remember? And I pulled it right out, 'cause as soon as I turned, gone! Marilyn Monroe did that.
Harris: We've got sun, earth, and atmosphere, and when you've got that, you've got weather!
SanDeE*: [on the beach] Is it OK to spin here?
The Signboard: What I really want to do is Direct.
Harris: There are two reasons for the ridiculous detour I was about to embark on...
[SanDeE* is leaving work]
Harris: Are you closed?
SanDeE*: Ya. Sorry.
Harris: The first reason was: I believed a relationship with Sara was impossible...
[SanDeE* "spinning" in the rain]
Harris: And the second reason was: I was a big, dumb male.
SanDeE*: I'm studying to be a spokesmodel.
Harris: What is, what is a spokesmodel?
SanDeE*: Um, it's just a model who speaks, you know, and she points at things like merchandise, you know, like a car or washer and dryer. Sometimes it's something really small, you know, like, like a book or fine art print.
Harris: They have classes for that?
SanDeE*: Yeah, 'cause it's a lot harder than it looks.
Harris: If confusion about your love life is ruining your day, I think it's good to go over to your best friend's house and ruin her day too.
Sara: Roland thinks L.A. is a place for the brain-dead. He says, if you turned off the sprinklers, it would turn into a desert. But I think - I don't know, it's not what I expected. It's a place where they've taken a desert and turned it into their dreams. I've seen a lot of L.A. and I think it's also a place of secrets: secret houses, secret lives, secret pleasures. And no one is looking to the outside for verification that what they're doing is all right. So what do you say, Roland?
Roland: I still say it's a place for the brain-dead.
Harris: Okay, more wacky, less egghead. What was your name again?
Carlo Christopher: [to Mr. Perdue] Is this part of the new cruelty?
