City Slickers (1991)
Mitch Robbins: Value this time in your life kids, because this is the time in your life when you still have your choices, and it goes by so quickly. When you're a teenager you think you can do anything, and you do. Your twenties are a blur. Your thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money and you think to yourself, "What happened to my twenties?" Your forties, you grow a little pot belly you grow another chin. The music starts to get too loud and one of your old girlfriends from high school becomes a grandmother. Your fifties you have a minor surgery. You'll call it a procedure, but it's a surgery. Your sixties you have a major surgery, the music is still loud but it doesn't matter because you can't hear it anyway. Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale, you start eating dinner at two, lunch around ten, breakfast the night before. And you spend most of your time wandering around malls looking for the ultimate in soft yogurt and muttering "how come the kids don't call?" By your eighties, you've had a major stroke, and you end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse who your wife can't stand but who you call mama. Any questions?
Ed Furillo: See, here's the thing. Kim wants to have kids.
Mitch Robbins: And you don't?
Ed Furillo: I tell her it's because we wouldn't have as much fun, it would hurt her modeling, but... that's not the reason. Having a kid, that's... heavy, that's a real commitment. That's saying I'm never gonna be with another woman for the rest of my life.
Phil Berquist: Wait a minute, let me get this straight. I have... no life, we're all agreed on that, right?
Phil Berquist: Okay. And your big problem is, that you're married to this gorgeous, twenty-four year old underwear model, who thinks that the sun rises and sets in your pants... and that's not enough for you?
Ed Furillo: [shaking his head] You don't understand.
Phil Berquist: No, I don't understand!
Ed Furillo: I don't want to screw around on Kim.
Phil Berquist: So don't.
Ed Furillo: Oh... from the king of restraint.
Phil Berquist: What does that mean?
Ed Furillo: It means, that's pretty smug advice, coming from a man who mounted an eighteen year old checkout girl on the day-old bread rack.
Phil Berquist: She's twenty - and shut up.
Ed Furillo: Let me get you hot, Phil: "I need a price. Register Nine, I need a price...
Phil Berquist: Cut it out!
Mitch Robbins: [warning] Guys...
Ed Furillo: What did you use for protection, paper or plastic?
Mitch Robbins: Alright Ed, your best day, what was it, twins in a trapeze, what?
Ed Furillo: No, I don't wanna play.
Mitch Robbins: C'mon, we did it.
Ed Furillo: I don't feel like it.
Mitch Robbins: Uh, okay.
Ed Furillo: I'm 14 and my mother and father are fighting again... y'know, because she caught him again. Caught him... This time the girl drove by the house to pick him up. And I finally realized, he wasn't just cheating on my mother, he was cheating us. So I told him, I said, "You're bad to us. We don't love you. I'll take care of my mother and my sister. We don't need you any more." And he made like he was gonna hit me, but I didn't budge. And he turned around and he left. He never bothered us again. Well, I took care of my mother and my sister from that day on. That's my best day.
Phil Berquist: What was your worst day?
Ed Furillo: Same day.
Mitch Robbins: Rollin', rollin', rollin', keep them dogies rollin', man my ass is swollen, Rawhide! Get 'em up, move 'em out, wake 'em up, get 'em dressed, get 'em shaved, comb their hair, Rawhide! Tie me down, tell me lies, pull my hair, smack my thighs - with a big wet strap of, Rawhide!
[imitates a horse snorting]
Arlene Berquist: Why is she telling you this... Phil?
Phil Berquist: Because... because I'm her boss! And... we... we have a health plan!
Arlene Berquist: You son of a bitch - you screwed this little girl in my father's store?
Phil Berquist: No... no! No!
Nancy: It was in his car! And I'm not a little girl; I'm twenty.
Arlene Berquist: Get out of this house, you little whore.
Phil Berquist: Hey! I will not permit you to talk to her that way.
Arlene Berquist: Fine. I'll tell my father what you did!
Phil Berquist: Don't you call Mister Levine! Hey! Give me that phone...
[struggles to take the phone from her]
Arlene Berquist: You're crazy!
Phil Berquist: That's right - not having sex for *twelve years* will do that to a person!
[she breaks the phone]
Arlene Berquist: I'll call from the bedroom.
Phil Berquist: The bedroom? How the hell would you know where the bedroom is?
Arlene Berquist: I'm calling...
Phil Berquist: Go ahead, call him - I'm sure he's home. It's his night to meet with the other escaped Nazis, isn't it?
Arlene Berquist: I hate you!
Phil Berquist: I hate you more; if hate were people, I'd be China!
Mitch Robbins: [awkward pause] Let's bring out the cake!
Mitch Robbins: [later that night, at the dance] You're wrong, Ed, I'm telling you, it was not a stupid thing to say.
Ed Furillo: It WAS. She says, "thanks", and you say, "I'm married."?
Mitch Robbins: Yeah! I don't want any... false flirtings.
Ed Furillo: False flirtings.
Mitch Robbins: Mm-hmm!
Ed Furillo: Well, what if you're like me? What if you don't encourage them, and they still come after you?
Mitch Robbins: It doesn't happen. See, women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.
Bonnie Rayburn: [walking by] Good night! I'm going to bed.
Mitch Robbins: [smiling widely at her] Good night! Sleep tight.
[Bonnie smiles and waves]
Ed Furillo: [to Mitch] That was flirting.
Mitch Robbins: No, that was... politeness. That was "have a pleasant and restful evening."
Ed Furillo: No, that was "I like your ass. Can I wear it as a hat?"
Mitch Robbins: Have you ever had that feeling that this is the best I'm ever gonna do, this is the best I'm ever gonna feel... and it ain't that great?
Station Manager: Happy Birthday.
Mitch Robbins: It's nothing to be ashamed of - I had the same problem.
Phil Berquist: Didn't you feel stupid; I mean, didn't you feel... inadequate?
Mitch Robbins: Yeah, for a while, but then I overcame it. Can I explain it to you again? I mean now promise me you won't get upset.
Phil Berquist: O.K.; it's not gonna to do any good.
Mitch Robbins: O.K., if you want to watch one show but record another show at the same time, the television set does not have to be on channel 3.
Phil Berquist: Yeah it does.
Mitch Robbins: No it doesn't.
Phil Berquist: It does.
Mitch Robbins: No, if you're watching what you're recording, then it has to be on 3.
Phil Berquist: What... the TV or... or the machine?
Mitch Robbins: The TV.
Phil Berquist: You're saying I can record something I'm not even watching?
Mitch Robbins: Yes, that's the point. You don't even need a TV to record.
Phil Berquist: How would I see it?
Mitch Robbins: Well to see it you need a TV.
Ed Furillo: Shut up! Just shut up! He doesn't get it! He'll never get it! It's been 4 hours! The cows can tape something by now! Forget about it please!
Phil Berquist: How do you do the clock?
Ed Furillo: You're dead. You are dead.
[Cookie is asked to say something at Curly's burial]
Cookie: Lord, we give you Curly. Try not to piss him off.
Barbara Robbins: Go away with Ed. Take Phil. I am giving you these two weeks. It's my present. Go and... find your smile!
Mitch Robbins: What if I can't?
Barbara Robbins: We'll jump off that bridge when we come to it.
Curly: Do you know what the secret of life is?
[holds up one finger]
Mitch: Your finger?
Curly: One thing. Just one thing. You stick to that and the rest don't mean shit.
Mitch: But, what is the "one thing?"
Curly: [smiles] That's what *you* have to find out.
Phil Berquist: [Phil grabs the gun out of the dirt and holds it to Jeff's head at the same time holding a handful of Jeff's hair forcibly, looking to T.R] Put the gun down! Put down the goddamned gun!
Jeff: Mmmm Mmmmm MMMM!
[Jeff looks over to T.R., nervously agreeing with Phil's order]
Mitch Robbins: Phil.
Phil Berquist: I'm not going to let them bully us anymore!
Mitch Robbins: Phil.
Phil Berquist: My father-in-law was a bully!
Mitch Robbins: Phil!
Phil Berquist: I hate bullys! Because bullys don't just bully you,
[Phil gets on his haunches, the gun still pressed to Jeff's forehead]
Phil Berquist: they take away your diginity!
Mitch Robbins: Phil, come on!
Phil Berquist: I hate that! I really, HATE that!
[Phil cocks the gun, and we see a bullet rotating into the chamber]
[Jeff squeezes his eyes shut, awaiting the shot]
Jeff: . Sorry!
Phil Berquist: BANG!
[Jeff's head tenses, expecting to be shot, then looks up at Phil in surprise and confusion]
Phil Berquist: All right, you assholes go and sleep it off!
[Phil makes a motion with the gun in hand toward the tent directing Jeff and T.R. to head that way]
Phil Berquist: Where are you from?
Ben Jessup: Baltimore. We have a dental practice there.
Mitch Robbins: Really, you're both dentists?
Steve Jessup: Yes! We're black AND we're dentists. Let's not make an issue out of it.
Ben Jessup: Eh, they're not making an issue of it. You're making an issue of it.
Ed Furillo: This guy, Curly, is a true cowboy. One of the last real men. He's untamed, a mustang. It'll do us good to be in his world for a while.
[Curly is approaching them from behind Mitch]
Mitch Robbins: Do us good? Didn't you guys see? The man was hanging the hired help! And, did you notice his eyes? He has crazy eyes. He's a lunatic! We are going into the wilderness being led by a lunatic!
[Mitch notices everyone's terrified faces as Curly is standing directly behind him]
Mitch Robbins: He's behind me, isn't he?
Mitch Robbins: You know what just occurred to me? Roping is stupid. This is a cow, not a gazelle, watch. Get off the horse, huh? Ok. And then you walk up to the cow. Look at how good this is working. Then you say "Hi. I'm Bob Vila with 'This Old Herd.' We're going to rope you today." Then you take Mr. Loop and put it around the head of Mr. Cow.
[dismounts and walks up to the cow and puts the loop of lasso around its head]
Mitch Robbins: Now what's wrong with that?
[Curly whistles and cattle takes off running, dragging Mitch helplessly behind it]
Mitch Robbins: I'M ON VACATIOOOOOOOOOOOON!
Bonnie Rayburn: That's really wonderful. You got him to drink from the bottle.
Mitch Robbins: Yeah, thank God, 'cause my nipples were killing me.
Danny Robbins: We saw a picture of you in a newspaper in your underwear.
Kim Furillo: Oh, well that was an advertisement. I sometimes model ladies' underwear.
Barbara Robbins: You looked great.
Danny Robbins: Mom, you said let's see how she looks after having two kids.
Phil Berquist: So Do you hate baseball?
Barbara Robbins: No I like baseball. I just never understood how you guys can spend so much time discussing it. I mean I think the game is great but I don't memorize who played third base for Pittsburgh in 1960.
Barbara Robbins: See, that's exactly what I mean.
Clay Stone: Two weeks ago, you boys were as worthless as hen shit on a pump handle. And look at you now!
[running through the streets in front of angry bulls, deliberately]
Mitch Robbins: Whose idea was this anyway?
Mitch Robbins: Excuse me, el doctor! Hello...? Don't sew anything up that's supposed to remain open, OK?
[while Mitch Robbins is delivering the calf (Norman)]
Mitch Robbins: You know, this was not in the brochure...
Phil Berquist: You know you were right, Mitch. My life is a "do-over". It's time to get started.
Mitch Robbins: I hope I can help.
Ed Furillo: Now I'm gonna go home, and I'm gonna get Kim pregnant.
Mitch Robbins: I hope I can help.
Cookie: You ain't gonna get any nouveau, amandine, thin crust, bottled water, sauteed city food. Food's brown, hot, and plenty of it.
Sal: We got this job on 65th and Third. This big freakin' ballbreaker of a job, right, and we got the area roped off so that some schmuck don't walk through there and take a wrecking ball between the eyes. All of a sudden this woman, you know with the big dark glasses and the Bloomingdale bags, she starts walking right through the ropes and I yell down at her, "Hey! You can't go there ya stupid bitch." And suddenly, this big steam fittin' bursts and this enormous God damn crane crashes right down on her legs. And she's screaming, "My Legs! My Legs!" And I say, "No shit, your legs, you got a two-thousand-pound goddamn crane on 'em." Now , do you know how in an emergency you can get like superhuman strength? I reach down and I lift up this crane and Ernesto was able to slide her out from under, and the doctors were able to save her legs. So the moral is: don't walk where you're not supposed to walk because there may not be someone with superhuman strength to save your little ass. And don't do drugs. That's it!
Mitch Robbins: Those cows trusted us.
Ed Furillo: Trusted us? They followed us because we yelled, 'Yah'. They're cattle.
[Mitch denies he's been ogling Bonnie]
Ed Furillo: Are you telling me you wouldn't like to hump her brains out?
Mitch Robbins: Lovely image. Ranks right up there with that favorite of yours"bang the shit out of her."
Ed Furillo: Sorry I offended your delicate sensibilities, pal... I noticed you were staring at it pretty hard.
Mitch Robbins: [Playing harmonica]
Curly: Put that away.
Mitch Robbins: [Stops, then resumes playing harmonica]
Curly: I said, put that away!
Mitch Robbins: Hey you know, the first time I tried to talk to you, you embarrassed me. So I teased you a little bit which maybe I shouldn't have done, so I'm sorry. And now you're sitting over there playing with your knife, trying to frighten me - which you're doing a good job. But if you're gonna kill me, get on with it; if not, shut the hell up - I'm on vacation.
Barry Shalowitz: What do you think? What would be the perfect flavor with this meal?
Ira Shalowitz: Cherry vanilla?
Barry Shalowitz: No. If it was Chinese food, right on the money, but this? Toasted almonds.
Mitch Robbins: What's going on?
Ira Shalowitz: Barry can pick out the exact right flavor of ice cream to follow any meal. Go ahead. Challenge him.
Mitch Robbins: Challenge him?
Barry Shalowitz: Go on.
Mitch Robbins: [shrugs] Franks and beans.
Barry Shalowitz: Scoop of chocolate, scoop of vanilla. Don't waste my time.
[Flings plate at Mitch as if he throws down the gauntlet]
Barry Shalowitz: Come on. Push me.
Mitch Robbins: Sea bass.
Barry Shalowitz: Grilled?
Mitch Robbins: Sauteed.
Barry Shalowitz: I'm with you.
Mitch Robbins: Potatoes au gratin. Asparagus.
Barry Shalowitz: Rum raisin.
Mitch Robbins: Woof, what? How do you know he's right?
Ira Shalowitz: How do we know? 1400 retail outlets from coast to coast, that's how we know.
Phil Berquist: Let's have some peace and quiet around here, for chrisakes! I've been under a lot of stress! I lost my wife, I lost my job, and I'm developing some kind of rash from making in the bushes!
Mitch Robbins: I wish you hadn't worn this jacket.
Ed Furillo: What's wrong with it?
Mitch Robbins: Well, look at it - it's got your name and your picture on it. It's a little grotesque.
Ed Furillo: I'm proud of what I do.
Phil Berquist: So is the President - he doesn't wear his picture on his suit.
Ben Jessup: Hi.
Mitch Robbins: [shaking his hand] Hi, Mitch Robbins.
Ed Furillo: I'm Ed Furillo - I sell sporting goods.
Mitch Robbins: Show him your jacket.
Phil Berquist: I'm Phil Berquist. I committed adultery; lost my job and my family.
Mitch Robbins: His jacket's being made.
Bonnie Rayburn: [explaining why she broke up with her ex] We had different needs. I needed him to treat me decently and get a job, and he needed to empty my bank account and leave.
[the boys have finally got the cattle herd moving]
Ed Furillo: We're doing great, guys! We're driving them!
Phil Berquist: Ah, that's perfect! We're lost but we're making good time!
Danny Robbins: My dad's name's Mitch and he's a... He's a submarine commander.
Mitch Robbins: Danny.
Danny Robbins: He works for WBLM Radio.
Mitch Robbins: [Phil, Ed and Mitch have just arrived at the dude ranch, and are watching the cowboys rope and take down a steer. The cowboy jumps off the horse and grabs the horns of the steer, at the same time planting his heels in the dirt to try and stop the steer] My ass hurts, just watching this.
Barbara Robbins: You know Mitch? I've been thinking. If you really hate your job, why don't you just get out of there?
Mitch Robbins: No, I'm just going to do it better. I'm going to do everything better.
Barbara Robbins: Everything?
[Barbara and Mitch share a long kiss]
Mitch Robbins: See?
Barbara Robbins: Oh, I missed you.
Mitch Robbins: I missed you too.
Barbara Robbins: Let's go home.
Mitch Robbins: Today, is my best day!
[Mitch and Barbara begin to kiss again]
Skycap: Mr. Robbins!
Mitch Robbins: [breaks his kiss with Barbara abrubtly] Yeah, right over here! This is gonna be great.
Barbara Robbins: What, did you get a dog?
Holly Robbins: We got a dog?
Danny Robbins: All right!
Mitch Robbins: Come on little man.
[Mitch opens the oversized cage and grabs the reins on Norman, gently pulling him out of the cage]
Mitch Robbins: . Everyone, this is Norman!
Barbara Robbins: It's a cow.
Mitch Robbins: Well,
[Mitch struggles to steady himself as he picks up Norman]
Mitch Robbins: he's a calf, actually.
Barbara Robbins: Mitch, wait. You're gonna put him in the VAN?
Mitch Robbins: Oh yeah, and then the den!
[Mitch loads Norman in the van]
Barbara Robbins: Mitch, you're not taking him home!
Mitch Robbins: [Norman moos again as he is loaded into the van] See kids, he just said, hellllooooooo! Well, just for a little while. Then we'll put him in a petting zoo, so he can be with your mother!
Barbara Robbins: Ah! Come on, let's go home!
Mitch Robbins: [walks around to the driver side of the van] I'm kidding, I'm just kidding! All right, seat belts Norman, seat belts!
Barbara Robbins: Mitch...
Mitch Robbins: I hope you went to the bathroom Norman, because we got a long drive ahead of us!
[Barbara puts her head in her hands, exasperated and laughing at the same time at Mitch's foolishness]
Mitch Robbins: Let's go home!
Ed Furillo: You OK?
Mitch Robbins: Yeah.
[Mitch and Ed go into the tent to check on Phil]
Mitch Robbins: Phil?
Phil Berquist: Yeah?
Ed Furillo: We were a little worried about you back there.
Phil Berquist: Ah.
[Phil sits down on the stool, Ed and Mitch kneel down in front of him, as he holds the gun, looking down]
Mitch Robbins: Why don't you give me the gun, Phil?
Phil Berquist: Ah, it's OK, I know how to handle a gun.
[Phil begins to unload the gun by pushing the bullets out of the cylinder]
Phil Berquist: . You know being a store manager, you have to be there pretty early in the morning to receive the trucks. You have to be sure the, register totals, match the receiving records... and all the stock is put in the proper place, it's a very... responsible, job.
[Mitch looks to Phil and watches as he unloads the gun nervously, Phil hands it to Mitch when it is completley unloaded, grinning nervously]
Phil Berquist: . Ah, CHRIST!
[Phil begins to sob, and bury's his head on Mitch's shoulder]
Mitch Robbins: [Mitch rubs and pats Phil's back] Hey Phil, come on Philly... It's OK man, it's not that bad...
Phil Berquist: [Phil's head is still in Mitch's shoulder] My life is over! I'm almost 40 years old, and I'm at the end of my life!
Mitch Robbins: Phil, hey.
[Mitch raises Phil up so he is looking at him]
Mitch Robbins: You remember when we were kids, and we were playing ball, and we hit the ball over the fence out of bounds, and we yelled, DO OVER?
Ed Furillo: [grins, remembering] Yeah!
Mitch Robbins: Your life is a do over. You've got a clean slate.
Phil Berquist: I got no place to live. And I'm gonna get wiped out in the divorce because I committed adultery. So, I may never see my kids again. I'm alone. How's that slate look now?
Mitch Robbins: [Jeff and T.R. have been intimidating Bonnie, Mitch tries to step in] Bonnie, you want to come ropin' with us?
Bonnie Rayburn: Yes, I'd...
Jeff: [Jeff and T.R. step in front of her] No, that's all right, Bonnie's talking with us, friend.
T.R.: She's fine right here.
Mitch Robbins: [as Phil and Ed approach] Listen, guys, what are you doing, huh? This isn't exactly nineties behavior, I've gotta be honest with ya.
Jeff: ...You stepped on my foot.
Ed Furillo: He did not, you horse's ass.
Jeff: You want a piece of this?
Ed Furillo: Any time, Zeke.
Jeff: How about right now, 'Stubby'?
Ed Furillo: Fine!
Curly: [makes his introduction, by roping Jeff from horseback and choking him to the fence. He enters the corral and addresses Bonnie] This man owes you an apology.
Mitch Robbins: I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by it.
Curly: Not you... him.
[motioning to Jeff]
Jeff: [refusing] Uh-uh. No.
[Curly pulls a huge knife and throws it at Jeff, landing within an inch of his crotch]
Jeff: I'm sorry, ma'am, that'll never happen again!
Mitch Robbins: Yeah, see that it doesn't!
[Curly glares at him]
Mitch Robbins: I'm sorry, I thought that we were... on the same... you're doin' fine!
Curly: [walks up to Jeff and retrieves his knife] You guys were drinkin'... don't let it happen again.
[Jeff agrees violently. Curly uses his knife to raise his hat to Bonnie]
[and departs. The two cowboys make a hasty exit in the opposite direction]
Mitch Robbins: Did you see that guy? That is the toughest man I've ever seen in my life!
Mitch Robbins: Did you see how leathery he was? He was like a saddlebag with eyes!
Bonnie Rayburn: Listen, it took a lot of courage to do what you did. Thank you.
Mitch Robbins: [They begin to smile and eye each other, then Mitch comes to his senses] I'm married.
Barbara Robbins: I'm sick of people coming over here and thinking they're in a Bergman film. "You've met my husband, Mr. Death?"
Danny Robbins: We saw a picture of you in the newspaper in your underwear.
Kim Furillo: Oh, that was an advertisement. I sometimes model ladies' underwear.
Barbara Robbins: You looked great.
Danny Robbins: Mom, you said "let's see how she looks after having two kids".
Phil Berquist: [Referring to Mitch, after Curly takes him off to round up strays] Do you think he'll be all right?
Ed Furillo: Sure. Curly's just trying to scare him.
Phil Berquist: If anything happens to him... I'm going after Barbara.
Mitch Robbins: Ed, have you noticed that the older you get, the younger your girlfriends get? Soon you'll be dating sperm.
[Mitch is being treated by a Spanish doctor after being gored in his rear during the "Running of the Bulls" in Pamplona]
Mitch Robbins: This is all your fault, Ed!
Ed Furillo: My fault?
Mitch Robbins: You're a macho lunatic. Phil and I are sheep!
Phil Berquist: We're not sheep.
Mitch Robbins: We do every stupid thing he asks!
Ed Furillo: I didn't make you run.
Mitch Robbins: No, it was a 2,000-pound rampaging animal spraying bull snot all over Spain! That's what made me run! *You* made me stand in front of it!
Bonnie Rayburn: [listening to the guys talk baseball] Ugh, baseball.
Ed Furillo: You've got something against baseball?
Bonnie Rayburn: It's just I used to live with a guy who was like a baseball encyclopedia and I just got flashes.
Phil Berquist: You broke up with him 'cause of baseball?
Bonnie Rayburn: Uh, no, we had different needs. I needed him to treat me decently and get a job, and he needed to empty my bank account and leave.
Phil Berquist: So, do you hate baseball?
Bonnie Rayburn: No, I like baseball. I just never understood how you guys could spend so much time discussing it. I mean, I've been to games, but I don't memorize who played third base for Pittsburgh in 1960.
Mitch: Don Hoak.
Mitch: Beat you.
Bonnie Rayburn: See, that's exactly what I mean.
Phil Berquist: So, what do you and your friends talk about out there?
Bonnie Rayburn: Well, real life. Relationships. Are they working? Are they not? Who's she seeing? Is that working?
Ed Furillo: No contest. We win.
Bonnie Rayburn: Why?
Ed Furillo: Honey, if that were as interesting as baseball, they'd have cards for it and sell it with gum.
Curly: I just turned around and rode away.
Mitch Robbins: Why?
Curly: I figured it wasn't going to get any better than that.
Mitch Robbins: Yeah, but you could have been, you know, with her.
Curly: I've been with lots of women.
Mitch Robbins: Yeah, but, you know, she could have been the love of your life.
Curly: She is.