Billy Crystal credited as playing...
Mitch Robbins
- Mitch Robbins: Alright Ed, your best day, what was it, twins in a trapeze, what?
- Ed Furillo: No, I don't wanna play.
- Mitch Robbins: C'mon, we did it.
- Ed Furillo: I don't feel like it.
- Mitch Robbins: Uh, okay.
- [pause]
- Ed Furillo: I'm 14 and my mother and father are fighting again... y'know, because she caught him again. Caught him... This time the girl drove by the house to pick him up. And I finally realized, he wasn't just cheating on my mother, he was cheating us. So I told him, I said, "You're bad to us. We don't love you. I'll take care of my mother and my sister. We don't need you any more." And he made like he was gonna hit me, but I didn't budge. And he turned around and he left. He never bothered us again. Well, I took care of my mother and my sister from that day on. That's my best day.
- Phil Berquist: What was your worst day?
- Ed Furillo: Same day.
- Mitch Robbins: Value this time in your life kids, because this is the time in your life when you still have your choices, and it goes by so quickly. When you're a teenager you think you can do anything, and you do. Your twenties are a blur. Your thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money and you think to yourself, "What happened to my twenties?" Your forties, you grow a little pot belly you grow another chin. The music starts to get too loud and one of your old girlfriends from high school becomes a grandmother. Your fifties you have a minor surgery. You'll call it a procedure, but it's a surgery. Your sixties you have a major surgery, the music is still loud but it doesn't matter because you can't hear it anyway. Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale, you start eating dinner at two, lunch around ten, breakfast the night before. And you spend most of your time wandering around malls looking for the ultimate in soft yogurt and muttering "how come the kids don't call?" By your eighties, you've had a major stroke, and you end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse who your wife can't stand but who you call mama. Any questions?
- Mitch Robbins: Rollin', rollin', rollin', keep them dogies rollin', man my ass is swollen, Rawhide! Get 'em up, move 'em out, wake 'em up, get 'em dressed, get 'em shaved, comb their hair, Rawhide! Tie me down, tell me lies, pull my hair, smack my thighs - with a big wet strap of, Rawhide!
- [imitates a horse snorting]
- [Cookie is asked to say something at Curly's burial]
- Cookie: Lord, we give you Curly. Try not to piss him off.
- Mitch Robbins: That's it?
- Cookie: What else is there? I got chicken burnin'.
- Ed Furillo: See, here's the thing. Kim wants to have kids.
- Mitch Robbins: And you don't?
- Ed Furillo: I tell her it's because we wouldn't have as much fun, it would hurt her modeling, but... that's not the reason. Having a kid, that's... heavy, that's a real commitment. That's saying I'm never gonna be with another woman for the rest of my life.
- Phil Berquist: Wait a minute, let me get this straight. I have... no life, we're all agreed on that, right?
- Ed Furillo, Mitch Robbins: Right!
- Phil Berquist: Okay. And your big problem is, that you're married to this gorgeous, twenty-four year old underwear model, who thinks that the sun rises and sets in your pants... and that's not enough for you?
- Ed Furillo: [shaking his head] You don't understand.
- Phil Berquist: No, I don't understand!
- Ed Furillo: I don't want to screw around on Kim.
- Phil Berquist: So don't.
- Ed Furillo: Oh... from the king of restraint.
- Phil Berquist: What does that mean?
- Ed Furillo: It means, that's pretty smug advice, coming from a man who mounted an eighteen year old checkout girl on the day-old bread rack.
- Phil Berquist: She's twenty - and shut up.
- Ed Furillo: Let me get you hot, Phil: "I need a price. Register Nine, I need a price...
- Phil Berquist: Cut it out!
- Mitch Robbins: [warning] Guys...
- Ed Furillo: What did you use for protection, paper or plastic?
- Mitch Robbins: Have you ever had that feeling that this is the best I'm ever gonna do, this is the best I'm ever gonna feel... and it ain't that great?
- Station Manager: Happy Birthday.
- Mitch Robbins: It's nothing to be ashamed of - I had the same problem.
- Phil Berquist: Didn't you feel stupid; I mean, didn't you feel... inadequate?
- Mitch Robbins: Yeah, for a while, but then I overcame it. Can I explain it to you again? I mean now promise me you won't get upset.
- Phil Berquist: O.K.; it's not gonna to do any good.
- Mitch Robbins: O.K., if you want to watch one show but record another show at the same time, the television set does not have to be on channel 3.
- Phil Berquist: Yeah it does.
- Mitch Robbins: No it doesn't.
- Phil Berquist: It does.
- Mitch Robbins: No, if you're watching what you're recording, then it has to be on 3.
- Phil Berquist: What... the TV or... or the machine?
- Mitch Robbins: The TV.
- Phil Berquist: You're saying I can record something I'm not even watching?
- Mitch Robbins: Yes, that's the point. You don't even need a TV to record.
- Phil Berquist: How would I see it?
- Mitch Robbins: Well to see it you need a TV.
- Ed Furillo: Shut up! Just shut up! He doesn't get it! He'll never get it! It's been 4 hours! The cows can tape something by now! Forget about it please!
- Phil Berquist: How do you do the clock?
- Ed Furillo: You're dead. You are dead.
- Arlene Berquist: Why is she telling you this... Phil?
- Phil Berquist: Because... because I'm her boss! And... we... we have a health plan!
- Arlene Berquist: You son of a bitch - you screwed this little girl in my father's store?
- Phil Berquist: No... no! No!
- Nancy: It was in his car! And I'm not a little girl; I'm twenty.
- Arlene Berquist: Get out of this house, you little whore.
- Phil Berquist: Hey! I will not permit you to talk to her that way.
- Arlene Berquist: Fine. I'll tell my father what you did!
- Phil Berquist: Don't you call Mister Levine! Hey! Give me that phone...
- [struggles to take the phone from her]
- Arlene Berquist: You're crazy!
- Phil Berquist: That's right - not having sex for *twelve years* will do that to a person!
- [she breaks the phone]
- Arlene Berquist: I'll call from the bedroom.
- Phil Berquist: The bedroom? How the hell would you know where the bedroom is?
- Arlene Berquist: I'm calling...
- Phil Berquist: Go ahead, call him - I'm sure he's home. It's his night to meet with the other escaped Nazis, isn't it?
- Arlene Berquist: I hate you!
- Phil Berquist: I hate you more; if hate were people, I'd be China!
- Mitch Robbins: [awkward pause] Let's bring out the cake!
- Mitch Robbins: You know what just occurred to me? Roping is stupid. This is a cow, not a gazelle, watch. Get off the horse, huh? Ok. And then you walk up to the cow. Look at how good this is working. Then you say "Hi. I'm Bob Vila with 'This Old Herd.' We're going to rope you today." Then you take Mr. Loop and put it around the head of Mr. Cow.
- [dismounts and walks up to the cow and puts the loop of lasso around its head]
- Mitch Robbins: Now what's wrong with that?
- [Curly whistles and cattle takes off running, dragging Mitch helplessly behind it]
- Curly: That!
- Mitch Robbins: I'M ON VACATIOOOOOOOOOOOON!
- Bonnie Rayburn: [Discussing the pet calf] That's really wonderful. You got him to drink from the bottle.
- Mitch Robbins: Yeah, thank God, 'cause my nipples were killing me.
- [while Mitch Robbins is delivering the calf (Norman)]
- Mitch Robbins: You know, this was not in the brochure...
- Mitch Robbins: [later that night, at the dance] You're wrong, Ed, I'm telling you, it was not a stupid thing to say.
- Ed Furillo: It WAS. She says, "thanks", and you say, "I'm married."?
- Mitch Robbins: Yeah! I don't want any... false flirtings.
- Ed Furillo: False flirtings.
- Mitch Robbins: Mm-hmm!
- Ed Furillo: Well, what if you're like me? What if you don't encourage them, and they still come after you?
- Mitch Robbins: It doesn't happen. See, women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.
- Bonnie Rayburn: [walking by] Good night! I'm going to bed.
- Mitch Robbins: [smiling widely at her] Good night! Sleep tight.
- [Bonnie smiles and waves]
- Ed Furillo: [to Mitch] That was flirting.
- Mitch Robbins: No, that was... politeness. That was "have a pleasant and restful evening."
- Ed Furillo: No, that was "I like your ass. Can I wear it as a hat?"
- Mitch Robbins: [Playing harmonica]
- Curly: Put that away.
- Mitch Robbins: [Stops, then resumes playing harmonica]
- Curly: I said, put that away!
- Mitch Robbins: Hey you know, the first time I tried to talk to you, you embarrassed me. So I teased you a little bit which maybe I shouldn't have done, so I'm sorry. And now you're sitting over there playing with your knife, trying to frighten me - which you're doing a good job. But if you're gonna kill me, get on with it; if not, shut the hell up - I'm on vacation.
- Barry Shalowitz: What do you think? What would be the perfect flavor with this meal?
- Ira Shalowitz: Cherry vanilla?
- Barry Shalowitz: No. If it was Chinese food, right on the money, but this? Toasted almonds.
- Mitch Robbins: What's going on?
- Ira Shalowitz: Barry can pick out the exact right flavor of ice cream to follow any meal. Go ahead. Challenge him.
- Mitch Robbins: Challenge him?
- Barry Shalowitz: Go on.
- Mitch Robbins: [shrugs] Franks and beans.
- Barry Shalowitz: Scoop of chocolate, scoop of vanilla. Don't waste my time.
- [Flings plate at Mitch as if he throws down the gauntlet]
- Barry Shalowitz: Come on... Push me.
- Mitch Robbins: [Thinks] Sea bass.
- Barry Shalowitz: Grilled?
- Mitch Robbins: Sauteed.
- Barry Shalowitz: I'm with you.
- Mitch Robbins: Potatoes au gratin. Asparagus.
- Barry Shalowitz: [Concentrates heavily, and then relaxes, exhausted] Rum raisin!
- Barry Shalowitz, Ira Shalowitz: [high-fiving] WOOF!
- Mitch Robbins: Woof, what? How do you know he's right?
- Ira Shalowitz: How do we know? 1400 retail outlets from coast to coast, that's how we know.
- Barry Shalowitz, Ira Shalowitz: [They look at each other, and high-five each other again] WOOF!
- Barbara Robbins: Go away with Ed. Take Phil. I am giving you these two weeks. It's my present. Go and... find your smile!
- Mitch Robbins: What if I can't?
- Barbara Robbins: We'll jump off that bridge when we come to it.
- Phil Berquist: You know you were right, Mitch. My life is a "do-over". It's time to get started.
- Mitch Robbins: I hope I can help.
- Ed Furillo: Now I'm gonna go home, and I'm gonna get Kim pregnant.
- Mitch Robbins: I hope I can help.
- Barbara Robbins: You know Mitch? I've been thinking. If you really hate your job, why don't you just get out of there?
- Mitch Robbins: No, I'm just going to do it better. I'm going to do everything better.
- Barbara Robbins: Everything?
- [Barbara and Mitch share a long kiss]
- Mitch Robbins: See?
- Barbara Robbins: Oh, I missed you.
- Mitch Robbins: I missed you too.
- Barbara Robbins: Let's go home.
- Mitch Robbins: Today, is my best day!
- [Mitch and Barbara begin to kiss again]
- Skycap: Mr. Robbins!
- Mitch Robbins: [breaks his kiss with Barbara abrubtly] Yeah, right over here! This is gonna be great.
- Barbara Robbins: What, did you get a dog?
- Holly Robbins: We got a dog?
- Danny Robbins: All right!
- Mitch Robbins: Come on little man.
- [Mitch opens the oversized cage and grabs the reins on Norman, gently pulling him out of the cage]
- Mitch Robbins: . Everyone, this is Norman!
- [Norman moos]
- Barbara Robbins: It's a cow.
- Mitch Robbins: Well,
- [Mitch struggles to steady himself as he picks up Norman]
- Mitch Robbins: he's a calf, actually.
- Barbara Robbins: Mitch, wait. You're gonna put him in the VAN?
- Mitch Robbins: Oh yeah, and then the den!
- [Mitch loads Norman in the van]
- Barbara Robbins: Mitch, you're not taking him home!
- Mitch Robbins: [Norman moos again as he is loaded into the van] See kids, he just said, hellllooooooo! Well, just for a little while. Then we'll put him in a petting zoo, so he can be with your mother!
- [He grins]
- Barbara Robbins: Ah! Come on, let's go home!
- Mitch Robbins: [walks around to the driver side of the van] I'm kidding, I'm just kidding! All right, seat belts Norman, seat belts!
- [Norman moos]
- Barbara Robbins: Mitch...
- Mitch Robbins: I hope you went to the bathroom Norman, because we got a long drive ahead of us!
- [Barbara puts her head in her hands, exasperated and laughing at the same time at Mitch's foolishness]
- Mitch Robbins: Let's go home!
- Mitch Robbins: Ed, have you noticed that the older you get, the younger your girlfriends get? Soon you'll be dating sperm.