Bernard and the Genie (1991 TV Movie)
Charles Pinkworth: That's a good point, Bernard. That's a fully-fledged bastard of a good point.
Frank Kepple: If you ever need anything, you just call and I'll be up there faster than a poker up a pervert.
Bernard Bottle: So all I have to do is wish?
Genie: As far as I know; the training for this stupid job is practically nonexistent.
Genie: Say the words "I wish" with the caution you would normally reserve for "Please castrate me."
Genie: I can see it now: the loving relatives, the priest, the staggeringly-attractive best man, the shagged-out bridesmaids...
Genie: One day I was in the Temple when they tried to turn it into a supermarket; Jesus went in there and kicked ass!
Bernard Bottle: Like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Genie: Yes, but with smaller pectorals.
Bernard Bottle: But now, I'm as happy as Michelle Pfeiffer's underpants.
Charles Pinkworth: Suddenly my gold fountainpen has gone missing. I am therefore yours in crayon.
Charles Pinkworth: As you know, Mr. Bottle left us yesterday, and I've been worrying about it. Do either of you think I was a little harsh on him?
Miss Purse: [carefully] Well sir... I think perhaps you might... have given him a warning...
Charles Pinkworth: Good, good. You're fired. I want you out of here immediately, you disastrously faded old crone! Exit ye, exit ye!
Genie: And you are a very large turd in a horrible pink shirt.
Charles Pinkworth: I beg your BLOODY pardon?
Genie: You smell of peppermint and now it is time to die!
[after trying ice cream for the first time]
Genie: It's really cold and it tastes exactly of strawberries!
Bernard Bottle: Originally, it was supposed to celebrate the birth of this chap called Jesus Christ, who was born, well, about 2000 years ago.
Genie: Jesus, you say?
Bernard Bottle: Yeah.
Genie: But I knew this guy.
Bernard Bottle: You did not!
Genie: I did, I mean, what did he do to get so famous?
Bernard Bottle: Well, he turned out to be the Son of God.
Genie: No! I thought he was kidding.
Genie: A little more negotiation and the match will be made. Depending, of course, on proof of child-bearing capability.
Carrie: So, is that your flying carpet, then?
Genie: Yes, it is! Would you fancy for a ride?
Carrie: Oh no. The reindeer can get very jealous if I use alternative means of transportation.
Genie: Very amusing. Now, down to business. Naturally, the question of the dowry raises it's ugly head.
Bernard Bottle: Sorry, he's not from around here.