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Bernard and the Genie (TV Movie 1991) Poster

(1991 TV Movie)

Quotes

Charles Pinkworth: That's a good point, Bernard. That's a fully-fledged bastard of a good point.

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Frank Kepple: If you ever need anything, you just call and I'll be up there faster than a poker up a pervert.

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Bernard Bottle: So all I have to do is wish?

Genie: As far as I know; the training for this stupid job is practically nonexistent.

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Genie: Say the words "I wish" with the caution you would normally reserve for "Please castrate me."

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Genie: I can see it now: the loving relatives, the priest, the staggeringly-attractive best man, the shagged-out bridesmaids...

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Genie: One day I was in the Temple when they tried to turn it into a supermarket; Jesus went in there and kicked ass!

Bernard Bottle: Like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Genie: Yes, but with smaller pectorals.

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Bernard Bottle: But now, I'm as happy as Michelle Pfeiffer's underpants.

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Charles Pinkworth: Suddenly my gold fountainpen has gone missing. I am therefore yours in crayon.

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Charles Pinkworth: As you know, Mr. Bottle left us yesterday, and I've been worrying about it. Do either of you think I was a little harsh on him?

Miss Purse: [carefully] Well sir... I think perhaps you might... have given him a warning...

Charles Pinkworth: Good, good. You're fired. I want you out of here immediately, you disastrously faded old crone! Exit ye, exit ye!

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Genie: And you are a very large turd in a horrible pink shirt.

Charles Pinkworth: I beg your BLOODY pardon?

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Charles Pinkworth: Bugger ye off!

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Genie: You smell of peppermint and now it is time to die!

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[after trying ice cream for the first time]

Genie: It's really cold and it tastes exactly of strawberries!

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Bernard Bottle: Originally, it was supposed to celebrate the birth of this chap called Jesus Christ, who was born, well, about 2000 years ago.

Genie: Jesus, you say?

Bernard Bottle: Yeah.

Genie: But I knew this guy.

Bernard Bottle: You did not!

Genie: I did, I mean, what did he do to get so famous?

Bernard Bottle: Well, he turned out to be the Son of God.

Genie: No! I thought he was kidding.

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Genie: A little more negotiation and the match will be made. Depending, of course, on proof of child-bearing capability.

Carrie: So, is that your flying carpet, then?

Genie: Yes, it is! Would you fancy for a ride?

Carrie: Oh no. The reindeer can get very jealous if I use alternative means of transportation.

Genie: Very amusing. Now, down to business. Naturally, the question of the dowry raises it's ugly head.

Bernard Bottle: Sorry, he's not from around here.

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Genie: [after having insulted the police] Do you... wish I'd never said any of that?

Bernard Bottle: [smiling] Yes I do!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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