[Porkchop is about to go on a date]
Doug: Don't do all the barking and be home by ten.
[Judy is planning to sneak out]
Judy: I'm going to bed.
Doug: But it's only 7:30.
Judy: SHUT UP! I mean, early to bed, early to rise.
[said every time Mr. Dink shows Doug something he bought]
Bud Dink: It was very expensive.
Assistant Principal Lamarr Bone: DON'T MESS UP!
[at the end of the episode where Doug plays a game of "Bag the Nematoad", Porkchop runs around the room after the windup nematoad with a mallet and breaks it to smithereens]
Doug: Porkchop!Hahahaha!You're supposed to bag the nematoad,not cream it!
Doug: [Doug ordering from the Honker Burger for the first time] Hi, I'd like three hamburgers, one no pickles, one no onions, one fish sandwich, four fries, and four grape sodas.
Honker Burger Cashier: [pause] I can't understand a word you say.
[Doug tries again to no avail]
Skeeter: Hey, man, let me take care of it. The new kid wants three moo cows, one no cucs, one no sneakers, one wet one, four cubers, and four from the vine. Do you want anything else?
Doug: [dumbstruck] How do you order a salad from the salad bar?
Skeeter: [Skeeter turns to the cashier] One salad from the salad bar!
Patti: But Mrs. Wingo, what happens to the fatty animals during the summer? Do they get hot?
Mrs. Wingo: Let's ask someone that knows that.
Mrs. Wingo: [to Doug]
Mrs. Wingo: What do you think Fatty Fatty Fatty?
[Roger and his gang are preparing for a new student]
Roger Klotz: Extra-large spitwads?
Willie White: Check.
Roger Klotz: Burping lunch tray?
Boomer Bledsoe: Uh, check.
Roger Klotz: Disentegrated homework?
Willie White: [laughs] Check.
[Willie crumples up the paper, which turns to dust]
Joe Valentine: That music's so loud I can't hear myself think. Skeeter, could you pass the... stuff in the boat that's brown and
Skeeter: The gravy?
Joe Valentine: Yeah. So tell me about the, uh...
Skeeter: Beets concert.
Joe Valentine: Right. Skeeter, pass the mashed... the mashed...
Willie White: Truth or dare, Larry?
Larry the A.V. Nerd: Truth.
Willie White: OK. Have you ever watched a filmstrip at school without permission?
Larry the A.V. Nerd: Well, there was this one time...
Roger Klotz: Hold it! You can do better than that, Willie.
[whisers in Willie's ear]
Willie White: OK. Who do you have a crush on?
Larry the A.V. Nerd: Uh, well, I guess I like... Beebe.
Beebe Bluff: AAAH!
Roger Klotz: [laughs] Hey, he's out cold. Give me that punch.
[Roger pours punch on Larry]
[said at the beginning of each episode]
Doug: Dear Journal, hi! it's me, Doug.
Doug: [Doug is mad at Porkchop] Quit clowning around, Porkchop! This is serious. You go in your Igloo and think about what you did.
Doug: It's not fair, Pork Chop. Patti's a way better dancer than Bebe.
Doug: [Entering into Roger's trailer home] Boy it's dark in here Roger.
Roger Klotz: Scared of the dark Funnie? Here let me turn on the light
Judy: [Watching Doug go through her private stuff] Oh no I don't mind. go through all my dresser drawers if you want
Doug: I knew you would understand
Judy: Stay away from my dresser
Doug: But you said...
Judy: I was being sarcastic
Bud Dink: Dear remember the first time I asked you to dance?
Mrs. Dink: Yes dear.
Bud Dink: And do you remember what you said?
Mrs. Dink: Yes, go away and leave me alone.
Bud Dink: Oh you do remember, but still you eventually said yes, and I swept you off your feet.
Mrs. Dink: And into the refreshment table dear.
Bud Dink: Still wasn't that hospital state room nice?
[Doug and Patti are handcuffed to each other]
Patti: [irritated] Magic shop?
Doug: We can't let people see us like this.
Patti: You're right. Let's just spend the rest of our lives handcuffed to each other.
Doug: [voice-over] She never said anything about the pimple. Matter of fact, no one did. I guess it just goes to show you: sometimes things don't turn out as bad as you think they will. But sometimes they turn out a lot worse. But, then again, sometimes they turn out sorta OK, but kinda bad. Well, anyways, the point is, it's not what's on your nose that counts... it's what's inside. N-no, wait. I didn't mean that.
Bud Dink: I'm Dink, Bud Dink. You can call me Mister Dink! And this it my wife, Tippy. Most people call her Mrs. Dink, but I usually call her on a telephone!