- Check-Out Woman: Are you here all by yourself?
- Kevin McCallister: Ma'am, I'm eight years old. You think I would be here alone? I don't think so.
- Check-Out Woman: Where's your mom?
- Kevin McCallister: My mom's in the car.
- Check-Out Woman: Where's your father?
- Kevin McCallister: He's at work.
- Check-Out Woman: What about your brothers and your sisters?
- Kevin McCallister: I'm an only child.
- Check-Out Woman: Where do you live?
- Kevin McCallister: Uh, I can't tell you that.
- Check-Out Woman: Why not?
- Kevin McCallister: Because you're a stranger.
- Gangster 'Johnny': [hears knock at door] Who is it?
- Gangster 'Snakes': [Snakes comes in] It's me, Snakes. I got the stuff.
- Gangster 'Johnny': Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell outta here.
- Gangster 'Snakes': All right, Johnny, but what about my money?
- Gangster 'Johnny': What money?
- Gangster 'Snakes': Acey said you had some dough for me.
- Gangster 'Johnny': That a fact? How much do I owe ya?
- Gangster 'Snakes': Acey said 10%.
- Gangster 'Johnny': [smirks] Too bad Acey ain't in charge no more.
- Gangster 'Snakes': What do ya mean?
- Gangster 'Johnny': He's upstairs takin' a bath. He'll call you when he gets out.
- [pause]
- Gangster 'Johnny': Hey, I tell ya what I'm gonna give *you*, Snakes.
- [pulls out machine gun]
- Gangster 'Johnny': I'm gonna give you to the count of 10, to get your ugly, yella, no-good keister off my property,
- [shouts]
- Gangster 'Johnny': before I pump your guts full of lead!
- Gangster 'Snakes': [wide eyed and calm] All right, Johnny, I'm sorry. I'm goin'!
- Gangster 'Johnny': 1... 2... 10!
- [starts unloading bullets into Snakes while laughing maniacally]
- Gangster 'Johnny': Keep the change, ya filthy animal!
- Kevin McCallister: [apprehensively] I made my family disappear.
- [thinks back to family members saying bad things about him]
- Megan McCallister: Kevin, you're completely helpless!
- Linnie McCallister: You know, Kevin, you're what the French call "les incompetents".
- Buzz McCallister: Kevin, I'm going to feed you to my tarantula.
- Jeff McCallister: Kevin, you are *such* a *disease*!
- Kate McCallister: There are fifteen people in this house and you're the only one who has to make trouble.
- Frank McCallister: Look what you *did*, you little *jerk*.
- Kevin McCallister: [gleefully] I made my family disappear.
- Kate McCallister: Did I turn off the coffee?
- Peter McCallister: No... I did.
- Kate McCallister: Did you lock up?
- Peter McCallister: Yeah.
- Kate McCallister: Did we set the timers on the lights?
- Peter McCallister: Yeah.
- Kate McCallister: Did you close the garage?
- Peter McCallister: That's it. I forgot to close the garage, that's it.
- [She sits back; after a pause]
- Kate McCallister: No, that's not it.
- Peter McCallister: Well, what else could we be forgetting?
- [She sits back again; after an even longer pause, she jumps upright]
- Kate McCallister: KEVIN!
- Harry: Where did he go?
- Marv: Maybe he committed suicide.
- Kevin McCallister: Down here you big horse's ass, come and get me before I call the police.
- Check-Out Woman: Are you here all by yourself?
- Kevin McCallister: Ma'am, I'm eight years old. You think I would be here *alone*? I don't think so.
- Megan McCallister: You're not at all worried that something might happen to Kevin?
- Buzz McCallister: No, for three reasons: A, I'm not that lucky. Two, we use smoke detectors and D, we live on the most boring street in the whole United States of America, where nothing even remotely dangerous will ever happen. Period.
- Kevin McCallister: [preparing to meet bandits and loading the rifle] This is it! Don't get scared now!
- Kevin McCallister: This house is so full of people it makes me sick. When I grow up and get married, I'm living alone. Did you hear me?
- [jumps up and down]
- Kevin McCallister: I'm living alone! I'm living alone!
- Kate McCallister: Heather, did you count heads?
- Heather McCallister: Eleven, including me. Five boys, six girls, four parents, two drivers, and a partridge in a pear tree.
- Kevin McCallister: No offense, aren't you too old to be afraid?
- Marley: You can be too old for a lot of things, but you're never too old to be afraid.
- Kevin McCallister: Can I sleep in your room? I don't want to sleep on the hide-a-bed with Fuller. If he has something to drink, he'll wet the bed.
- Buzz McCallister: I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ass!
- Kate McCallister: Kevin, get upstairs right now.
- Kevin McCallister: Why?
- Jeff McCallister: Kevin, you're such a disease.
- Kevin McCallister: Shut up.
- Peter McCallister: Kevin, upstairs.
- Kate McCallister: Say good night, Kevin.
- Kevin McCallister: "Good night, Kevin."
- Kevin McCallister: Bless this highly nutritious microwavable macaroni and cheese dinner and the people who sold it on sale. Amen.
- Kevin McCallister: Buzz, I'm going through all your private stuff! You'd better come out and pound me!
- Frank McCallister: There's no way on earth we can make this plane. It leaves in 45 minutes.
- Peter McCallister: Think positive, Frank!
- Frank McCallister: You be positive. I'll be realistic.
- Kevin McCallister: [while watching "Angels With Filthy Souls"] Guys, I'm eating junk and watching rubbish! You better come out and stop me!
- Kevin McCallister: So give it a shot, for your granddaughter anyway. I'm sure she misses you and the presents.
- Marley: I send her a check.
- Kevin McCallister: I wish my grandparents did that. They always send me clothes. Last year I got a sweater with a big bird knitted on it.
- Marley: That's nice.
- Kevin McCallister: Not for a guy in the second grade. You can get beat up for wearing something like that. Yeah, I had a friend who got nailed because there was a rumor he wore dinosaur pajamas.
- Kevin McCallister: Hey, I'm not afraid any more! I said I'm not afraid any more! Do you hear me? I'm not afraid any more!
- [Old Man Marley approaches Kevin and stares at him - Kevin runs back inside, screaming like a maniac]
- Santa Claus: Damn. How can you give Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? What's next, rabies shots for the Easter Bunny?
- Harry: [Marv brings a load of stolen goods from the Murphy household to the van and Harry sees him laughing] What's so funny? What are you laughing at? You did it again didn't you? You left the water running. What's wrong with you? Why do you do that? I told you not to do it.
- Marv: Harry, it's our calling card!
- Harry: Calling card.
- Marv: All the great ones leave their mark. We're the wet bandits!
- Kevin McCallister: Everyone in this family *hates* me!
- Kate McCallister: Then maybe you should ask Santa for a new family.
- Kevin McCallister: I don't want another family. I don't want any family. Families suck!
- Kate McCallister: Just stay up there. I don't want to see you again for the rest of the night.
- Kevin McCallister: *I* don't want to see you again for the rest of my whole life. And I don't want to see anybody else either.
- Kate McCallister: [softly] I hope you don't mean that. You'd feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow morning and you didn't have a family.
- Kevin McCallister: No, I wouldn't.
- Kate McCallister: Then say it again. Maybe it will happen.
- Kevin McCallister: I hope that I never see any of you jerks again!
- Marv: Out the window?
- [Harry starts climbing out onto a zip line]
- Marv: I'm not going out the window!
- Harry: What're you scared, Marv? Are you afraid? C'mon, get out here.
- Marv: [Marv follows Harry and they start across the rope] Ohhh, let's go back. Let's go back, Harry!
- Harry: Shut up, Marv!
- Kevin McCallister: [Holds a pair of hedge shears to the rope on his end] Hey guys, check this out!
- Harry: Huh, oh, go back!
- Marv: Oh! Good!
- [They start making their way back]
- Marv, Harry: [Kevin severs the rope and both of them drop] AHHHHHHHHHH!
- [They slam into a brick wall and fall to the ground]
- Harry: Hi.
- Sondra McCallister: Hi.
- Harry: Are your parents home?
- Sondra McCallister: Yeah.
- Harry: Do they live here?
- Sondra McCallister: No!
- [walks off]
- Harry: No. Why should they? All kids. No parents. Probably a fancy orphanage.
- [Kevin has just caused a scene in the kitchen and Buzz has him in a headlock]
- Kate McCallister: Look, stop, stop! What is the matter with you?
- Kevin McCallister: He started it! He ate my pizza on purpose! He knows I hate sausage and olives and onions and...
- Frank McCallister: [wiping dregs of soda off of his pants] Look what you did, you little jerk!
- [the rest of the family stare irately at Kevin]
- Kate McCallister: How could we do this? We forgot him.
- Peter McCallister: We didn't forget him, we just miscounted.
- Kate McCallister: What kind of a mother am I?
- Frank McCallister: If it makes you feel any better, I forgot my reading glasses.
- Peter McCallister: Hi.
- Harry: Hi. Are you Mr. McCallister?
- Peter McCallister: Yeah.
- Harry: The Mr. McCallister who lives here?
- Peter McCallister: Yes.
- Pizza Boy: Oh, good, because somebody owes me $122.50.
- Harry: [Kevin was almost mowed down by Harry and Marv] Hey, hey! You gotta watch out for traffic, son. You know?
- Kevin McCallister: Sorry.
- Harry: Damn!
- Marv: [to Kevin] Santy don't visit the funeral homes, little buddy.
- Harry: Okay, okay. Merry Christmas.
- [smiles; his gold tooth glistens; Kevin gasps]
- Harry: You bomb me with one more can, kid, and I'll snap off your cajones and boil them in motor oil!
- Gus Polinski: Allow me to introduce myself. Gus Polinksi. How are you?
- [seeing Kate's blank look]
- Gus Polinski: Polka king of the Midwest?
- [another blank look]
- Gus Polinski: The Kenosha Kickers?
- [his bandmates all wave]
- Gus Polinski: No? That's okay. I thought you might've recognized... Anyways, uh, I had a few hits a few years ago. Uh, that's why, you know... "Polka, Polka, Polka"?
- [singing]
- Gus Polinski: Polka, polka, polka. No? Uh, "Twin Lakes Polka". "Yamahoozie Polka", AKA "Kiss Me Polka". "Polka Twist".
- Kate McCallister: These are songs?
- Gus Polinski: Yeah. Yeah. We... some fairly big hits for us. You know, in the early '70s, you know?
- Kate McCallister: Oh.
- Gus Polinski: Yeah, we sold about 623 copies of that.
- Kate McCallister: In Chicago?
- Gus Polinski: No. Sheboygan. Very big in Sheboygan. They loved it, you know?
- Kate McCallister: I'm sorry. Did you say you could help me?
- Kate McCallister: [to the Scranton ticket agent] This is *Christmas*! The season of perpetual hope! And I don't care if I have to get out on your runway and hitchhike! If it costs me everything I own, if I have to sell my soul to the devil himself, I am going to get home to my son.
- Harry: [timidly] What're you doin', Marv?
- Marv: [looking at Buzz's tarantula at rest on Harry; whispering warningly] Harry, don't move!
- Harry: [questioningly] Maaarv?
- Marv: [a little loudly at first, then to a whisper, then attempts to kill the tarantula with his crowbar] Don't...! Move...
- Harry: [timidly again] What, what're you doin'? M - Marv...?
- [Marv hits him with the crowbar, but the tarantula escapes into Buzz's room]
- Harry: Aiee! Jeez... so... crumbin!
- Marv: [hurriedly looking around for the tarantula] Did I get him?
- [louder]
- Marv: Did I get him? Where'd it go? Where is it?
- Harry: [starts wacking Marv with his crowbar, the tossing it aside] Never mind, now how do you like that, *huh*? Ya jerk! Get that kid, Marv, get that kid!
- Kevin McCallister: I went shopping yesterday.
- Jeff McCallister: You? Shopping?
- Kevin McCallister: I got you milk, eggs, and fabric softener.
- Peter McCallister: No kidding. What a funny guy. What else did you do while we were away?
- Kevin McCallister: Just hung around.
- Buzz McCallister: He went shopping? He doesn't know how to tie his shoe and he's going shopping!
- Gangster 'Johnny': Who is it?
- Pizza Boy: It's Little Nero's, sir. I have your pizza.
- Gangster 'Johnny': Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell outta here.
- Pizza Boy: Okay.
- [leaves the pizza on the doormat]
- Pizza Boy: But what about the money?
- Gangster 'Johnny': What money?
- Pizza Boy: [matter-of-factly but sarcastically] Well, you'll have to pay for your pizza, sir.
- Gangster 'Johnny': Is that a fact. How much do I owe ya?
- Pizza Boy: Uh. That'll be $11.80, sir.
- [Kevin drops the money from the dog door]
- Gangster 'Johnny': Keep the change, ya filthy animal.
- Pizza Boy: Cheapskate.
- [starts to leave, but is stopped by Johnny's next line]
- Gangster 'Johnny': Hey, I'm gonna give you to the count of ten, to get your ugly, yella, no-good keister off my property, before I pump your guts full of lead! 1, 2, 10!
- [machine gun fire; the delivery boy dashes back to his car and speeds away]
- Kevin McCallister: [opens the door and brings the pizza inside] A lovely cheese pizza, just for me.
- Harry: [knocks on the back door] Merry Christmas, little fella. We know that you're in there, and that you're all alone.
- Marv: Yeah, come on, kid, open up. It's Santy Claus... and his elf!
- Harry: [snickers] We're not gonna hurt you.
- Marv: Oh no, no, we got some nice presents for you.
- [Below their heads, Kevin slowly pushes the barrel of the air rifle through the doggie door and takes aim at Harry's groin]
- Harry: Be a good little fella now, and open the door.
- [PING!]
- Harry: [high-pitched] AAAAAAHHHHHHHHOOOO...
- [Cursing fluently under his breath, he hops around holding his crotch, and falls to his knees]
- Marv: What?
- [Harry falls down, still groaning and cursing]
- Marv: What? What happened?
- Harry: Get the little...!
- [Marv goes back and sticks his head through the dog door... and sees Kevin laying on his belly on the floor, aiming the air rifle right between his eyes. Marv smiles lamely]
- Kevin McCallister: Hello.
- [PING!]
- Marv: AH! AHHH...!
- [Marv falls back out of the doggie door, clutching his face]
- Kevin McCallister: Yes! Yes! Yes-yes-yes-yes!
- [He runs off to prepare the next trap]
- Marv: The little jerk is armed!
- Harry: That's it, that's it! I'm going round the front, you go down to the basement!
- [He storms off, swearing under his breath]
- [Harry and Marv have caught Kevin in the Murphy's house and hung him on the basement door]
- Marv: What are we gonna do to him, Harry?
- Harry: We'll do exactly what he did to us: we're gonna burn his head with a blowtorch!
- Marv: And smash his face with an iron!
- Harry: How about we slap him in the face with a paint can!
- Marv: Or shove a nail through his foot!
- [Behind them, Marley sneaks in with his snow shovel]
- Harry: First thing I'm gonna do is to bite off every one of these little fingers, one at a time...
- [Marley raises his shovel and knocks Marv out cold, Harry turns around only to be knocked out, too. Marley lifts Kevin off the door]
- Marley: Come on, let's get you home.
- Kate McCallister: I'm a bad parent. I'm a bad parent.
- Gus Polinski: No, you're not. You're beating yourself up over there, you know. This happens. These things happen, you know. Gee... You wanna talk about bad parents, look at us. We're on the road 48, 49 weeks out of the year, we hardly see our families. Joe over there... gosh, you know, he forgets his kids' names half the time. Ziggy over there, he's never even met his kid. And Eddie... let's just hope none of them write a book about him.
- Kate McCallister: Have you ever gone on vacation and left your child home?
- Gus Polinski: No, no. But I did leave one at a funeral parlor once.
- [Off Kate's look]
- Gus Polinski: Yeah, it was awful. The wife was distraught and we left the little tyke there in the funeral parlor all day. All day. You know, we went back at night and apparently he had been alone all day with the corpse. He was okay though, after two, three weeks he came around and started talking again...
- Kate McCallister: Maybe we shouldn't talk about this.
- Gus Polinski: Well, you brought it up.
- Kate McCallister: I'm sorry I did.