Home Alone (1990)

Macaulay Culkin: Kevin

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Quotes 

• Check-Out Woman : Are you here all by yourself?

  Kevin McCallister : Ma'am, I'm eight years old. You think I would be here alone? I don't think so.

  Check-Out Woman : Where's your mom?

  Kevin McCallister : My mom's in the car.

  Check-Out Woman : Where's your father?

  Kevin McCallister : He's at work.

  Check-Out Woman : What about your brothers and your sisters?

  Kevin McCallister : I'm an only child.

  Check-Out Woman : Where do you live?

  Kevin McCallister : Uh, I can't tell you that.

  Check-Out Woman : Why not?

  Kevin McCallister : Because you're a stranger.

• Kevin McCallister : [apprehensively]  I made my family disappear.

  [thinks back to family members saying bad things about him] 

  Megan McCallister : Kevin, you're completely helpless!

  Linnie McCallister : You know, Kevin, you're what the French call "les incompetents".

  Buzz McCallister : Kevin, I'm going to feed you to my tarantula.

  Jeff McCallister : Kevin, you are *such* a *disease*!

  Kate McCallister : There are fifteen people in this house and you're the only one who has to make trouble.

  Frank McCallister : Look what you *did*, you little *jerk*.

  Kevin McCallister : [gleefully]  I made my family disappear.

• Kevin McCallister : [preparing to meet bandits and loading the rifle]  This is it! Don't get scared now!

• Harry : Where did he go?

  Marv : Maybe he committed suicide.

  Kevin McCallister : Down here you big horse's ass, come and get me before I call the police.

• Check-Out Woman : Are you here all by yourself?

  Kevin McCallister : Ma'am, I'm eight years old. You think I would be here *alone*? I don't think so.

• Kevin McCallister : This house is so full of people it makes me sick. When I grow up and get married, I'm living alone. Did you hear me?

  [jumps up and down] 

  Kevin McCallister : I'm living alone! I'm living alone!

• Kevin McCallister : No offense, aren't you too old to be afraid?

  Marley : You can be too old for a lot of things, but you're never too old to be afraid.

• Kevin McCallister : Can I sleep in your room? I don't want to sleep on the hide-a-bed with Fuller. If he has something to drink, he'll wet the bed.

  Buzz McCallister : I wouldn't let you sleep in my room... if you were growing on my ASS!

• Kevin McCallister : [while watching "Angels With Filthy Souls"]  Guys, I'm eating junk and watching rubbish! You better come out and stop me!

• Kevin McCallister : Hey, I'm not afraid any more! I said I'm not afraid any more! Do you hear me? I'm not afraid any more!

  [Old Man Marley approaches Kevin and stares at him - Kevin runs back inside, screaming like a maniac] 

• Kevin McCallister : Bless this highly nutritious microwavable macaroni and cheese dinner and the people who sold it on sale. Amen.

• Kevin McCallister : Buzz, I'm going through all your private stuff! You'd better come out and pound me!

• Marv : Out the window?

  [Harry starts climbing out onto a zip line] 

  Marv : I'm not going out the window!

  Harry : What're you scared, Marv? Are you afraid? C'mon, get out here.

  Marv : [Marv follows Harry and they start across the rope]  Ohhh, let's go back. Let's go back, Harry!

  Harry : Shut up, Marv!

  Kevin McCallister : [Holds a pair of hedge shears to the rope on his end]  Hey guys, check this out!

  Harry : Huh, oh, go back!

  Marv : Oh! Good!

  [They start making their way back] 

  Marv , Harry : [Kevin severs the rope and both of them drop]  AHHHHHHHHHH!

  [They slam into a brick wall and fall to the ground] 

• Kate McCallister : Kevin, get upstairs right now.

  Kevin McCallister : Why?

  Jeff McCallister : Kevin, you're such a disease.

  Kevin McCallister : Shut up.

  Peter McCallister : Kevin, upstairs.

  Kate McCallister : Say good night, Kevin.

  Kevin McCallister : "Good night, Kevin."

• [Kevin has just caused a scene in the kitchen and Buzz has him in a headlock] 

  Kate McCallister : Look, stop, stop! What is the matter with you?

  Kevin McCallister : He started it! He ate my pizza on purpose! He knows I hate sausage and olives and onions and...

  Frank McCallister : [wiping dregs of soda off of his pants]  Look what you did, you little jerk!

  [the rest of the family stare irately at Kevin] 

• Kevin McCallister : So give it a shot, for your granddaughter anyway. I'm sure she misses you and the presents.

  Marley : I send her a check.

  Kevin McCallister : I wish my grandparents did that. They always send me clothes. Last year I got a sweater with a big bird knitted on it.

  Marley : That's nice.

  Kevin McCallister : Not for a guy in the second grade. You can get beat up for wearing something like that. Yeah, I had a friend who got nailed because there was a rumor he wore dinosaur pajamas.

• Kevin McCallister : Everyone in this family *hates* me!

  Kate McCallister : Then maybe you should ask Santa for a new family.

  Kevin McCallister : I don't want another family. I don't want any family. Families suck!

  Kate McCallister : Just stay up there. I don't want to see you again for the rest of the night.

  Kevin McCallister : *I* don't want to see you again for the rest of my whole life. And I don't want to see anybody else either.

  Kate McCallister : [softly]  I hope you don't mean that. You'd feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow morning and you didn't have a family.

  Kevin McCallister : No, I wouldn't.

  Kate McCallister : Then say it again. Maybe it will happen.

  Kevin McCallister : I hope that I never see any of you jerks again!

• Harry : [knocks on the back door]  Merry Christmas, little fella. We know that you're in there, and that you're all alone.

  Marv : Yeah, come on, kid, open up. It's Santy Claus... and his elf!

  Harry : [snickers]  We're not gonna hurt you.

  Marv : Oh no, no, we got some nice presents for you.

  [Below their heads, Kevin slowly pushes the barrel of the air rifle through the doggie door and takes aim at Harry's groin] 

  Harry : Be a good little fella now, and open the door.

  [PING!] 

  Harry : [high-pitched]  AAAAAAHHHHHHHHOOOO...

  [Cursing fluently under his breath, he hops around holding his crotch, and falls to his knees] 

  Marv : What?

  [Harry falls down, still groaning and cursing] 

  Marv : What? What happened?

  Harry : Get the little...!

  [Marv goes back and sticks his head through the dog door... and sees Kevin laying on his belly on the floor, aiming the air rifle right between his eyes. Marv smiles lamely] 

  Kevin McCallister : Hello.

  [PING!] 

  Marv : AH! AHHH...!

  [Marv falls back out of the doggie door, clutching his face] 

  Kevin McCallister : Yes! Yes! Yes-yes-yes-yes!

  [He runs off to prepare the next trap] 

  Marv : The little jerk is armed!

  Harry : That's it, that's it! I'm going round the front, you go down to the basement!

  [He storms off, swearing under his breath] 

• Harry : [Kevin was almost mowed down by Harry and Marv]  Hey, hey! You gotta watch out for traffic, son. You know?

  Kevin McCallister : Sorry.

  Harry : Damn!

  Marv : [to Kevin]  Santy don't visit the funeral homes, little buddy.

  Harry : Okay, okay. Merry Christmas.

  [smiles; his gold tooth glistens; Kevin gasps] 

• Kevin McCallister : Buzz! Your girlfriend! Woof!

• Kevin McCallister : I went shopping yesterday.

  Jeff McCallister : You? Shopping?

  Kevin McCallister : I got you milk, eggs, and fabric softener.

  Peter McCallister : No kidding. What a funny guy. What else did you do while we were away?

  Kevin McCallister : Just hung around.

  Buzz McCallister : He went shopping? He doesn't know how to tie his shoe and he's going shopping!

• Gangster 'Johnny' : Who is it?

  Pizza Boy : It's Little Nero's, sir. I have your pizza.

  Gangster 'Johnny' : Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell outta here.

  Pizza Boy : Okay.

  [leaves the pizza on the doormat] 

  Pizza Boy : But what about the money?

  Gangster 'Johnny' : What money?

  Pizza Boy : [matter-of-factly but sarcastically]  Well, you'll have to pay for your pizza, sir.

  Gangster 'Johnny' : Is that a fact. How much do I owe ya?

  Pizza Boy : Uh. That'll be $11.80, sir.

  [Kevin drops the money from the dog door] 

  Gangster 'Johnny' : Keep the change, ya filthy animal.

  Pizza Boy : Cheapskate.

  [starts to leave, but is stopped by Johnny's next line] 

  Gangster 'Johnny' : Hey, I'm gonna give you to the count of ten, to get your ugly, yella, no-good keister off my property, before I pump your guts full of lead! 1, 2, 10!

  [machine gun fire; the delivery boy dashes back to his car and speeds away] 

  Kevin McCallister : [opens the door and brings the pizza inside]  A lovely cheese pizza, just for me.

• Kevin McCallister : This is my house, I have to defend it.

• Linnie McCallister : Listen, Kevin, what are you so worried about? You know Mom's gonna pack your stuff anyway. You're what the French call "les incompetents".

  Kevin McCallister : What?

• Kevin McCallister : [to Santa's helper]  This is extremely important. Will you please tell Santa that instead of presents this year, I just want my family back. No toys. Nothing but Peter, Kate, Buzz, Megan, Linnie, and Jeff. And my aunt and my cousins. And if he has time, my Uncle Frank. Okay?

• Kevin McCallister : You guys give up? Or are you thirsty for more?

• Kevin McCallister : Is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association?

  Clerk : Well, I don't know. It doesn't say, hon.

  Kevin McCallister : Well, could you please find out?

• Kevin McCallister : I took a shower washing every body part with actual soap; including all my major crevices; including inbetween my toes and in my belly button, which I never did before but sort of enjoyed. I washed my hair with adult formula shampoo and used cream rinse for that just-washed shine. I can't seem to find my toothbrush, so I'll pick one up when I go out today. Other than that, I'm in good shape.

• Kate McCallister : [about Kevin]  He was in the garage again playing with the glue gun.

  Peter McCallister : Didn't we talk about that?

  Kevin McCallister : Did I burn down the joint? I don't think so. I was making ornaments out of fish hooks.

  Peter McCallister : My NEW fish hooks?

  Kevin McCallister : I can't make ornaments out of the old ones, with dry worm guts stuck on them.

• Kate McCallister : [while on the phone, Kevin jumps onto the bed]  No, we're not bringing the dog. We took him to the kennel... Hey, hey! Get off. Kevin, out of the room!

  Kevin McCallister : Hang up the phone and make me, why don't you?

• Kate McCallister : There are 15 people in this house, you're the only one who has to make trouble.

  Kevin McCallister : I'm the only one getting dumped on.

  Kate McCallister : You're the only one acting up. Now get upstairs.

  Kevin McCallister : I *am* upstairs, dummy.

• Kevin McCallister : The third floor?

  Kate McCallister : Go.

  Kevin McCallister : It's scary up there.

  Kate McCallister : Don't be silly; Fuller will be up in a little while.

  Kevin McCallister : I don't wanna sleep with Fuller. You know about him, he wets the bed. He'll pee all over me, I know it.

  Kate McCallister : [looking disgusted]  Fine, we'll put him somewhere else.

• Kevin McCallister : Did anyone order me a plain cheese?

  Buzz McCallister : Yeah, we did. But if you want any, somebody's gonna have to barf it all up, 'cause it's gone.

• Kevin McCallister : Mom, Uncle Frank won't let me watch the movie, but the big kids can. Why can't I?

  Kate McCallister : Kevin, I'm on the phone.

  Kevin McCallister : It's not even rated R. He's just being a jerk.

  Kate McCallister : Kevin, if Uncle Frank says no, then it must be really bad.

• Kevin McCallister : Santa, hold on. Can I talk to you for a second?

  Santa Claus : Yes, but make it quick. Santa's got a little get together he's late for.

  Kevin McCallister : Okay. I know you're not the real Santa Claus.

  Santa Claus : [his beard is pulled down, revealing his real face]  What makes you say that? Er, just out of curiosity.

• Rod McCallister : [watching Old Man Marley]  What's he doing now?

  Buzz McCallister : He walks up and down the streets every night, salting the sidewalks.

  Rod McCallister : Maybe he's just trying to be nice.

  Buzz McCallister : No way. See that garbage can full of salt? That's where he keeps his victims. The salt turns the bodies... into mummies.

  Rod McCallister : Whoa.

  Kevin McCallister : Mummies?

  [Marley looks up at the boys] 

  Rod McCallister : Look out!

  [they close the drapes and run] 

• Kevin McCallister : [behind the dining room door]  Oh no, I'm really scared!

  Harry : It's too late for you, kid; we're already in the house. We're gonna get ya!

  Kevin McCallister : OK, come and get me!

• Harry : [Harry, disguised as a cop greets Peter who's just come down the stairs]  Are you Mr McCallister?

  Peter McCallister : Yeah.

  Harry : The Mr McCallister who lives here?

  Peter McCallister : Yes.

  Pizza Boy : [chiming in]  Oh good, because someone owes me $122.50.

  Harry : I'd like a word with you, Sir.

  Peter McCallister : Am I under arrest or something like that?

  Harry : No, no, no, no, no. It's Christmastime. There's always a lot of burglaries around the holidays. So we're just checking the neighbourhood to see if everyone's taking the proper precautions. That's all.

  Peter McCallister : Oh, well we have automatic timers for our lights. Locks for our doors. That's about as good as you can get these days. Did you get some egg nog or something like that?

  Buzz McCallister : [comes down the stairs]  Come on, Dad. Let's eat.

  Harry : Egg... egg nog?

  [Peter goes off with Buzz] 

  Harry : Hey, listen will you be leaving... er?

  [trailing off] 

  Kevin McCallister : [Kevin charges down the stairs]  Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!

• [the check-out woman holds up a bag full of army men, and gives Kevin a funny look] 

  Kevin McCallister : For the kids.

• Kevin McCallister : [Picks up Buzz's Playboy magazine]  No clothes on anybody. Sickening.

  [Tosses the magazine over his shoulder] 

• Kevin McCallister : I don't know how to pack a suit case. I've never done this once in my whole life.

  Jeff McCallister : Tough.

  Kevin McCallister : That's what Megan said.

  Megan McCallister : What did I say?

  Jeff McCallister : You told Kevin "tough".

  Megan McCallister : The dope was whining about a suit case. What was I supposed to do? Shake his hand and say, "Congratulations, you're an idiot"?

• Linnie McCallister : I hope you didn't just pack crap, Jeff.

  Jeff McCallister : Shut up, Linnie.

  Kevin McCallister : You know what I should pack?

  Jeff McCallister : Toilet paper and water.

• Kate McCallister : Merry Christmas, sweetheart.

  [he's warily suspicious of her] 

  Kate McCallister : Oh, Kevin, I'm so sorry.

  Kevin McCallister : [hugging her]  Where's everybody else?

  Kate McCallister : Oh, baby, they couldn't come. They wanted to so much, but...

  [to their surprise, the front door opens and the other kids come in, arguing] 

  Peter McCallister : Come on, you guys, it's Christmas.

• Furnace : Ha, ha, ha. Hello, Kevin. Ha, ha, ha.

  Kevin McCallister : Shut up.

• Kevin McCallister : [after unintentionally stealing a toothbrush]  I'm a criminal...

• Leslie McCallister : Peter, Kate, do you guys have a voltage adapter?

  Peter McCallister : [hands her Kevin]  Here, here's a voltage adapter.

  Leslie McCallister : My, but you're getting heavy. Go pack your suit case.

  Kevin McCallister : [stares in horror]  *Pack* my *suitcase*?

• Kevin McCallister : Buzz?

  Buzz McCallister : Don't you know how to knock, phlegm-wad?

• Buzz McCallister : Hey, Kev. It's pretty cool you didn't burn the place down.

  Kevin McCallister : Thanks, Buzz.

• Kate McCallister : [Walking up the stairs to the 2nd floor]  There are 15 people in this house and you're the only one, who has to make trouble.

  Kevin McCallister : I'm the only one getting dumped on.

  Kate McCallister : You're the only one acting up. Now, get upstairs.

  Kevin McCallister : I am upstairs, dummy.

  [She opens the door to the 3rd floor attic] 

  Kevin McCallister : The third floor?

  Kate McCallister : Go.

  Kevin McCallister : It's scary up there.

  Kate McCallister : Don't be silly. Fuller'll be up in a little while.

  Kevin McCallister : I don't wanna sleep with Fuller. You know about him, he wets the bed. He'll pee all over me, I know it.

  Kate McCallister : [Looks disgusted]  Fine. We'll put him somewhere else.

  Kevin McCallister : I'm sorry.

  Kate McCallister : It's too late. Get upstairs.

  Kevin McCallister : [He walks half-way up, stops, and turns to face her]  Everyone in this family hates me.

  Kate McCallister : Then, maybe you should ask Santa for a new family.

  Kevin McCallister : I don't want a new family, I don't want any family. Families suck.

  Kate McCallister : Just stay up there. I don't want to see you again for the rest of the night.

  Kevin McCallister : I don't want to see you again for the rest of my whole life and I don't want to see anybody else, either.

  Kate McCallister : [Softly, in shock]  I hope you don't mean that. You'd feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow morning and you didn't have a family.

  Kevin McCallister : No, I wouldn't.

  Kate McCallister : Then, say it again. Maybe it'll happen.

  Kevin McCallister : I hope that I never see any of you jerks again.

  [Turns around, walks the rest of the way up, as Kate closes the door behind him] 

  Kevin McCallister : [Thinking to himself as he lays down on the pull-out sofa]  I wish they would all just disappear.

• [Kevin is decorating his Christmas tree; Harry pears through the window behind him; Kevin's face looks shocked as he notices Harry's face reflected in one of the red baubles] 

  Kevin McCallister : Dad! Can you come here and help me?

  Harry : [smiles and taps Marv's shoulder; whispering]  Remember that kid we saw the other day?

  [Marv nods] 

  Harry : He lives here.

  Marv : Well, if the kid's here, the parent's gotta be.

  Harry : [shakes his head]  He's home alone.