Skin Deep (1989)
John Ritter: Zach
Zach : I've never felt this way before. I'm seriously unhappy. This is just not the bush-league blues. We're talking major-league depression here. I can't sleep. I take pills. But they only last a couple of hours and then I'm up at 4:00 in the morning pacing the fucking house or walking on the cold fucking beach. I'm so miserable, I wanna fucking shoot myself. But, I can't because I'm afraid to die. How's that for fucked-up?
[Zach hits the wall and starts sobbing]
Zach : So what's the answer? Oh, I forgot. You don't have answers. You're not the burning bush. You just give suggestions. Well, I need help. I'm in the fucking dumper. Give me a suggestion because I know you've got one. I can see it in those beady little Freudian eyes.
Dr. Westford : If an alcoholic wants me to cure him, you know what I say?
Zach : That's a question. That's not a suggestion.
Zach : Okay. What do you say?
Dr. Westford : First, stop drinking.
Zach : I don't get it.
Dr. Westford : Go home and think about it. That's my suggestion.
Zach : There is a God! And he's a gag-writer!
Zack Hutton : [rubbing genie lamp] Get me the fuck out of here.
Zack Hutton : My name is Zachary Hutton and my wish is to fuck you.
Zach : I take it back. You're too much of a cunt to be a prick.
Molly : I'm not going to argue with you anymore, Zach. You're dishonest, and you're too good with words.
Zach : Hey. When have I ever been dishonest with you?
Molly : Oh, come on! You were dishonest with me from the time you decided you wanted to fuck me!
Zach : We were introduced. I said, "How do you do? I want to fuck you." What's dishonest about that?
Molly : Zach, in the six months of living together, we had 100 arguments.
Zach : I only counted 99.
Molly : Okay. Out of those 99 arguments, was there ever a time that you thought I was right?
Zach : Honestly? No.
Molly : What does that tell you?
Zach : That you were wrong 99 times out of 100.
Zach : I figured it out, Barney. You can't cure a problem until you know what's causing the problem. But before you can see what's causing the problem, you first have to remove the problem.
Barney : You've gotta give up the vices to get to the virtues. I could've told you that.
Zach : Yeah? Why didn't you?
Barney : You want it to take, you got to figure it out for yourself.
Zach : Okay, wise guy, what's my problem?
Barney : You're scared like the rest of us. You drink too much, you chase girls much too much, and you don't use your God-given talent anymore.
Zach : You've known that all along?
Barney : I'm a good bartender.
Zach : I'm in a lot of trouble, Doctor. Frankly, I don't have the strength or the courage to go on like this, and even if I did, I wouldn't want to. Everyday, I get a little more depressed. I get a little more desperate. I feel like I'm worse off than when I first started with you.
Dr. Westford : When you first started with me, you were a mess.
Zach : I'm still a mess. I haven't changed.
Dr. Westford : Don't you know by now that changing one's basic character is next to impossible?
Zach : No. I don't know that. Jesus, Doctor, if I thought I couldn't change, I wouldn't cine see you in the first place.
Dr. Westford : I didn't say that you couldn't.
Zach : You just said it was impossible.
Dr. Westford : I said it was next to impossible.
Zach : Well, shit, Doctor. "Next to" isn't that far removed.
Dr. Westford : If it were, there'd be no analysts.
Zach : Not an entirely unhappy prospect, Doctor.
Dr. Westford : Did I ever tell you the story about the scorpion and the frog?
Zach : No.
Dr. Westford : A scorpion who couldn't swim asked the frog to carry him across the river on his back. The frog said, "Do you think I'm crazy? Halfway across the river, you'll sting me and I'll drown." "That's not reasonable," said the scorpion. "If I sting you and you drown, I'll drown too." Frog thought about it, he said, "Climb on." Halfway across the river, the scorpion stung the frog, and as the frog was drowning, he said to the scorpion, "But now you'll drown too." The scorpion said, "Yes. I know." "That's not reasonable," said the frog, and the scorpion replied, "Reason has nothing to do with it. I'm a scorpion. It's my character."
Zach : You know what I feel like saying to you?
Dr. Westford : Yes. You feel like telling me to go fuck myself, and you probably will, because it's your character.
Zach : See you next Tuesday.
Zach : I'm a desperate man, Doctor. I need help. I gotta change my way of living, and if that ain't enough, I'm gonna change the way I strut my stuff.
[Zach starts singing]
Zach : 'Cause nobody loves you when your old and gray. There'll be some changes made today. Yes, sir, there'll be some changes made. Duh-duh-da.
[Zach leaves the room for a couple of seconds and re-enters the room]
Zach : I couldn't resist it. You think I'm crazy?
Dr. Westford : No.
Zach : Then what the hell is wrong with me?
Dr. Westford : Well, for one thing, you can't sing worth shit.
[Zach goes to a formal party dressed as Aladdin]
Zach : Jake! You told me this was a costume party!
Zachary Hutton : If you think I'm such a failure, why do you keep on representing me?
Leon 'Sparky' Sparks : That's like asking a heroin addict why he keeps shooting up. It's because he keeps hoping for that first-time rush, that cherry high, even though he knows he'll never get it again. He's hooked and he keeps hoping.
Zachary Hutton : Watch out, I may surprise you.
Leon 'Sparky' Sparks : You watch out, I'm beyond surprises.
Zach : Not being able to write is like not being able to screw.
Alex : Nobody's perfect.
Zach : Right. I'm glad you feel that way because I was just about to suggest that we give it another try.
Alex : We?
[Zach nods his head happily]
Alex : Are you completely off your nut?
Zach : [sarcastically] Don't beg, Alex. It doesn't suit you.
Alex : Oh, Zach.
Zach : Oh, what?
Alex : There are a lot of things about you that I would highly recommend. But you're never gonna last with anyone. You may settle down for a while, but then something will happen. You'll get scared and start to look for some... thing, some... place. Some young girl to save you. You're on a merry-go-round, Zach, and the brass ring is just a brass ring. It solves nothing.
Zach : I'm doomed?
Alex : You're Zach, and you like merry-go-rounds.
Zach : You see, I truly love women.
Barney : Oh, I see.
Zach : I love everything about them, Barney. I love the way they feel, the way they smell, most of the time. I have to admit, I don't like women with long, round toenails. But that is the only abrogation so far. And so far has been quite a while and quite a few.
Barney : Oh, that's true.
Zach : I long for a meaningful, monogamous, healthy relationship. And I was sure I had it with Alex, but the truth is, Barney, in the deep dark silence of my considered conscience, where there's just me and me, the unmitigated truth is, I want it all.
Barney : Hey, wanting is okay.
Zach : I want a loving, faithful, caring, caretaking wife, and I wanna make love to everything else in long skirts, with bare feet and ripe, juicy mouths. Little boy-girls with small firm breasts and tight asses. Rubensque round women with big Mother Earth breasts and green eyes. God! I could go on and on.
Barney : Don't. I'm getting a hard-on.
Zach : Me too.
[Lonnie walks into the bedroom with a robe on while Zach waits in bed]
Lonnie Jones : Look at it this way, Zach. I've worked 5 years, 52 weeks a year, five days a week, 3 hours a day, to build this body.
[She takes off the robe and reveals her muscled body in a bikini]
Lonnie Jones : And for one night, this night, it's all yours.
[She starts flexing her muscles]
Lonnie Jones : How do you feel about that?
Zach : Like Mrs. Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Lonnie Jones : I love your sense of humor.
Zach : And it loves you.
Lonnie Jones : Do you always try to joke your way out of a tight spot?
Zach : Not always. Occasionally, I'm too frightened to make my lips move.
Lonnie Jones : I hope you're not frightened now, Zach.
Zach : I'm not, but fortunately my cock is scared stiff.
Zach : What have you got against my typewriter?
Alex : You used to write on it. Books and plays and movies. Once, once you wrote me a poem on our 2nd anniversary and gave it to me. And you were happy. You exorcised your demons with credible thoughts and good words on that typewriter, and your talent turned me on. I really thought we had a chance "until death do us part," and then one day you stopped. You gave up.
Zach : I dried up. It happens to writers.
Alex : Oh, so you bury yourself with the first available young female that comes along, in the hopes that she's going to magically restore your lost talent?
Zach : Alex...
Alex : No, don't say it. This is a lecture. Not a debate. And since I don't intend to speak to you for the rest of this lifetime, you either get out now, or shut up and let me finish.
Alex : I'm not saying that your condition is unique. In fact, quite a few older men do the same thing.
Zach : How about a few older women?
Alex : If your trying to redeem yourself by implying that I might have been unfaithful to you, you're barking up the wrong older woman. I could have, but regrettably didn't. I threw out that typewriter because it represents everything that could have been loving and lasting and wonderful, and everything that wasn't.
Zach : Can I say something please?
Alex : No! No! No! You have 20 minutes to get your things and get out of this house forever, or I will get a restraining order and have you removed!
[Zach is drunk in a bar]
Lonnie Jones : You know what your problem is, Zach?
Zach : Yep.
Lonnie Jones : You drink too much.
Zach : Yep.
Lonnie Jones : You're probably an alcoholic.
Zach : Yep. But that's not my problem. You know what my problem is? I'm an addict.
Lonnie Jones : Drugs?
Zach : Nope. Merry-go-rounds.
Lonnie Jones : You wanna go home with me, Zach?
Zach : Yep.
Lonnie Jones : Let's go.
Zach : Can't.
Lonnie Jones : Why not?
Zach : I'm just a kid.
Lonnie Jones : You're sweet.
Zach : That too.
Lonnie Jones : Give me a call if you change your mind.
Zach : I will give you a call even if I don't change my mind, okay?