- Helen: I guess a boy Garry's age really needs a man around.
- Tod: Well, it depends on the man. I had a man around. He used to wake me up every morning by flicking lit cigarettes at my head "Hey, asshole, get up and make me breakfast." You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, or drive a car. Hell, you need a license to catch a fish! But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.
- [Gil has been complaining about his complicated life; Grandma wanders into the room]
- Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.
- Gil: Oh?
- Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!
- Gil: What a great story.
- Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.
- Tod: Can I speak frankly, no holds barred?
- [Helen nods]
- Tod: That is one messed up little dude. We can talk straight?
- [Helen nods again]
- Tod: Um, a few months ago, Garry got his first... boner. You know what that is?
- Helen: If memory serves.
- Tod: Aw, great! Anyway, since then, he's been... uh... slappin' the salami. No offense.
- Helen: No.
- Tod: Apparently, he's goin' for a world record. Anyway, he was afraid there was something wrong with him, you know? Like he was a pervert or something. I told him that's what little dudes do - we've all done it. It made him happy.
- Helen: Garry was happy?
- Tod: He even smiled! I never even knew he had teeth!
- Julie: [door slams as Tod leaves after having a fight with Julie] If he thinks I'm having his baby now, he's crazy!
- Helen: [shocked] Baby?
- George Bowman: Your daughter's having a baby?
- Helen: [even more shocked] A baby?
- George Bowman: You're going to be a grandma?
- Helen: [laughs incredulously] No, no, no, no. I'm too young to be a grandmother. Grandmothers are old. They bake, and they sew, and they tell you stories about the Depression.
- [shouts]
- Helen: I was at Woodstock, for Christ's sake! I peed in a field! I hung on to The Who's helicopter as it flew away!
- [gestures wildly]
- George Bowman: I was at Woodstock.
- Helen: [shouts] Oh yeah? I thought you looked familiar!
- Helen: [whimpers as she flips through the stack of sex photos of Julie and Tod]
- [Julie enters the room and Helen holds up a picture]
- Helen: I... I... I think this this one is my favorite.
- Julie: It was just for fun, Mom.
- Helen: Well, I'm glad to know it's not a job. That's that Tod, isn't it? There's one with his face.
- [as she looks closer at the photos]
- Julie: Is that what bothers you? That I did those things? Or that I did those things with Tod?
- Helen: Gee whiz, Julie, so many things bother me about this, I don't know where to separate them.
- [holds up a different photo]
- Helen: Oh! Whoo! Here's something for my wallet!
- Julie: Tod is very important to me.
- Helen: And we've got the photos to prove it!
- [as she holds up the sex photos again]
- Julie: Mom...
- Helen: [looking again at the photos] This is your room. You did these things right here? In my house?
- Julie: Well, I thought someone in this house ought to be having sex. I mean with something that doesn't require batteries.
- Susan Buckman Merrick: [after breaking the lock on Gary's bedroom door and searching it, Helen finds some sex tapes and plays one - graphic sex sounds from the television as Susan and Grandma enter the room] Helen? Oh, the door was unlocked.
- [sees the sex action on the television]
- Grandma: What channel is this?
- Helen: No Gran, this is a tape.
- Grandma: [to Susan] She needs a man... Now!
- Helen: Gran, this isn't mine. I don't watch this!
- Grandma: [to Susan again as they are leaving the room and speaking of the sex action on the television] One of those men reminded me of your Grandpa. God bless him!
- Stan: You don't talk like a kid.
- Young Gil Buckman: Yeah, well I'm not really a kid.
- Stan: You're not a duck.
- Young Gil Buckman: This is a memory of when I was a kid. I'm 35 now. I have kids of my own. You don't even really exist. You're an amalgam.
- Stan: A what?
- Young Gil Buckman: A combination of several ushers my dad left me with over the years. I combined them into one memory.
- Stan: Why?
- Young Gil Buckman: This was a great symbolic moment of my life. My father dumping me with you... it's why I swore things would be different with my kids. It's my dream. Strong, happy, confident kids.
- Stan: That's great, that's great. You know, you - you got a lovely family, and I'm a god-damn amalgam!
- Larry Buckman: [after he rolls from a moving car, he stands up and brushes himself off] Hi, Dad. Dinner ready?
- Frank: [bewildered] What was that?
- Larry Buckman: Huh? Oh, some - friends were just dropping me off.
- Frank: Friends? Friends slow down, they even stop!
- [Larry walks away chuckling as Cool catches up to him]
- Student 1 at College: Someone's gone to the roof of the bell tower with a rifle!
- Dean at College: It's Kevin Buckman! His father totally screwed him up!
- Student 2 at College: What's he yelling?
- Kevin Buckman Age 21: YOU MADE ME PLAY SECOND BASE!
- Gil: [Yelling through a megaphone] Son, I'm sorry. I did all the best I could.
- [Kevin shoots the megaphone from his hands]
- Gil: Nice shot, son! It's important to be supportive. Come on, let's sing one of the old tunes. "When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, diarrhea..."
- Helen: Open this door! Goddamnit! I was just like a little respect! Not a lot, just a little! Do you know why I'm having sex with machinery? Because your father went to have a party and I stayed to raise two kids, and I HAVE NO LIFE!
- Frank: You know, when you were two years old, we thought you had polio. Did you know that?
- Gil: Yeah, Mom said... something about it a couple of years ago.
- Frank: Yeah, well, for a week we didn't know. I hated you for that.
- [Gil looks surprised and hurt]
- Frank: I did. I hated having to care, having to go through the pain, the hurt, the suffering. It's not for me.
- [after Gil and Karen get into an accident when she tries to "relax" him]
- Highway Policeman: So, how did this happen?
- Gil: [gives Karen a look] Show him, honey.
- [after finding her 15-year-old son's bag full of porno tapes]
- Helen: l assume you're watching these because you're curious about sex... you know. Or filmmaking.
- Marilyn Buckman: Cool is adorable. Adorable! Why didn't you write us when you had a son?
- Larry Buckman: I didn't know myself until a couple of months ago. You see, a few years ago, I was living in Vegas with this girl. Showgirl. She was in that show "Elvis On Ice". Anyhow, we drifted apart, as people do in these complicated times, and then a couple of months ago, she shows up with Cool and tells me "You watch him. I shot someone. I have to leave the country." That's a parent?
- Gil: [lights went out unexpectedly and have just been turned on. Gil thinks he has a flashlight but is holding a vibrator] What's this?
- [switches vibrator on]
- Gil: [lights come up, Gil laughs and leaves the room]
- Taylor: Mommy, what was that?
- Karen: That was... an electric ear cleaner.
- Taylor: It was kind of big.
- Grandma: It sure was!
- Frank: [after Larry has returned Frank's car to the garage] Don't bullshit me! It belittles us both.
- Gil: They call me Cowboy Gil, as in guil-ty. I saw Cowboy Dan. I didn't like the look on his face. It was like this...
- [smiles goofily]
- Gil: ... so I killed him. I blew a hole in him this big. Actually it was about this big. You know, when I think about it, that hole was about THIS BIG! And his guts were spilled out all over the floor. As I was walkin' away, I slip around on his guts. A couple of other people came by and started slippin' on his guts, too. After I blow a hole in somebody and slip around on their guts... afterwards, I always like to make balloon animals. That's mighty courteous of you. Here we go!
- [holds up a jumble of twisted balloons]
- Gil: Your lower intestines.
- Gil: [Gil and Larry are reuniting] How long has it been? Three years?
- Larry Buckman: Something like that.
- Gil: You stopped wearing your turban!
- Larry Buckman: [laughs] Yeah!
- Kevin Buckman Age 21: Thank you. When I was 9 years old, I had kind of a rough time. A lot of people thought I was pretty mixed up. But there was one person who got me through it. He did everything right. And thanks to him today, well I'm the happiest, most confident and most well-adjusted person in this world. Dad, I love you. You're the greatest!
- Susan Buckman Merrick: [as her husband surprises her by serenading her in the middle of her lesson] Nathan, we're trying so hard to keep these kids off drugs.
- [after his wife just told him she's pregnant with their 4th child]
- Gil: Well, great! Let's see how I can screw the fourth one up! Hey, let's have five. Let's have six. Let's have a dozen and pretend they're donuts!
- [In the car after the baseball game, Kevin is singing "The Diarrhea Song" while Taylor laughs]
- Kevin Buckman: When you're slidin' into first and you're feelin' somethin' burst, diarrhea! Diarrhea! When you're slidin' into third and you feel a juicy turd, diarrhea! Diarrhea! When you're slidin' into home and your pants are full of foam, diarrhea! Diarrhea! When you're drivin' in your Chevy and your pants are feelin' heavy, diarrhea! Diarrhea!
- Karen: Kevin, honey, where did you learn that song?
- Kevin Buckman: Last summer at camp, Mom.
- Gil: Ah, that was money well spent.
- Kevin Buckman, Justin, Taylor: [singing again] When you're slidin' into first and you're feelin' somethin' burst, diarrhea! Diarrhea!
- David Brodsky: Gil, I've spoken with Ted and Dan, and we have decided to make Phil Richards a partner.
- Gil: [Really ticked off] Holy shit.
- David Brodsky: I know you're upset.
- Gil: Upset? Haven't you seen the deals I've been putting together? I've been killing myself. I mean, aren't you dazzled?
- David Brodsky: You still don't get it, do you? Phil has just brought in 3 brand-new multimillion-dollar clients. He has spent the last month wining and dining these guys, getting them laid. He doesn't tell me about problems with his kids. I'm not even sure if he has kids. If this man's dick fell off, he would still show up and come to work. He's an animal. That's what dazzles, not the work. You can't do what he does. You hate that shit. Now, Phil Richards...
- Gil: I quit!
- David Brodsky: Oh Gil.
- Gil: Forget it. Phil brought you some big clients. You're happy.
- David Brodsky: Oh, Gil.
- Gil: I'm just gonna call my clients, give them the news, then I'm out of here. Friday is my last day. Don't make me a party.
- David Brodsky: Gil!
- Gil: Da-a-ave.
- Gil: [Comes home after quitting his job] Hey, this is not a playground, okay? Not now, not now! Knock it off!
- [Dealing with black straps on a broken videotape]
- Gil: I can't believe they did this.
- Karen: Alright, the other kids left, ours is watching a tape, Helen dropped your Grandma off. Let's talk.
- Gil: I quit my job.
- Karen: Why?
- Gil: They gave the partnership to Phil Richards. Phil Richards, this is a guy who leaves his wife and kids, and then puts all his money in his girlfriend's name so they can't touch him for child support. I mean the guy is... . Anyway, I couldn't stand it. I snapped.
- Karen: Can you change your mind?
- Gil: What do you mean change my mind? I quit.
- Karen: I know but, did you say anything that would make it difficult for them to take you back?
- Gil: Jesus, honey, I was hoping you would be a little more supportive.
- Karen: I'm pregnant.
- Gil: [pauses momentarily as he is in shock] Since when?
- Karen: Since I am. I'm due in February. I didn't want to say anything until I was sure.
- Gil: How did this happen?
- Karen: It was an accident. Anyhow, now isn't the best time for you to be out of work or starting a new job.
- Gil: You know if you told me there's a chance this might happen, I might've not quit in the first place.
- Karen: Well, you never told me there was a chance you quit!
- Gil: It was a spur of the moment decision.
- Karen: Pretty big one.
- Gil: So what are you saying I should do? Crawl back into work and kiss Dave's feet and get my crappy job back? I quit. If I go back now, I'm a eunuch.
- Karen: You know, this is a minor crimp in my life, too. I was thinking about starting back to work in the fall. Now I can't.
- Gil: Well, that's the difference between men and women. Women have choices. Men have responsibilities.
- Karen: Oh, really? Oh, ok, well, then I choose for you to have the baby. That's my choice. You have the baby! You get fat! You breast feed until your nipples are sore! I'll go back to work!
- Gil: Alright, let's return from La-La Land because that ain't gonna happen. Whether I crawl back to Dave or get another job, then now I'm gonna have to spend less time at home.
- [Slams the broken tape into the trash can]
- Gil: I'll have to do business dinners, I'll have to play racquetball, and I'm gonna have to get guys laid. So I hope you don't mind bringing home some prostitutes honey, because that's what it takes to get anywhere and I'm not getting anywhere. Whatever happens, you have to count on less help from me.
- Karen: Why don't you just say what you're really thinking?
- Gil: What am I thinking?
- Karen: I should have an abortion.
- Gil: I didn't say that. That's a decision every woman has to make on her own.
- Karen: Are you running for Congress?
- [Gil is guilty]
- Karen: Don't give me that. I want your opinion on what we should do. Let's pretend it's your decision, okay? Pretend you're a caveman or your father. What do you want me to do?
- Gil: I want whatever you want.
- Karen: Well, I want to have the baby.
- Gil: Well, great! Let's have it then! Let's see how I can screw the 4th one up! Hey, let's have 5, let's have 6! Let's have a dozen and pretend they're doughnuts! I'm really happy about things, aren't you?
- Karen: You know with a frame of your mind, not only am I not sure about having another baby, I'm not sure we can keep the 3 we got.
- Gil: Well I'm ready to discuss it. However, I can't right now because I gotta go to the goddamn Little League! 10 little boys are waiting for me guiding in the last place.
- Karen: You really have to go?
- Gil: My whole life is that I have to.
- Frank: Gil, you have a good memory. Uh, was it yours or Helen's or Susan's wedding I got drunk at?
- Gil: It was all three, Dad. Congratulations.
- Frank: Well, which one did I punch the band leader?
- Gil: That was mine. We have photos. I'm having them blown up for the commitment hearings.
- [Susan laughs]
- Frank: [mimics Susan laughing] Well, you think he's funny. Well, when he was a kid, he wasn't as funny. Stayed in his room all day. Boy, you were a moody little son of a bitch.
- Gil: [sarcastically] Gee, I wonder why.
- Nathan: [after inspecting Susan's diaphragm and finding a hole] Well?
- Susan Buckman Merrick: Why are you pouring water through my diaphragm?
- Nathan: To check. To see if it's OK. You didn't know I did that, did you?
- Susan Buckman Merrick: No.
- Nathan: Obviously not or you wouldn't have tried this.
- Susan Buckman Merrick: Are you accusing me of making that hole?
- Nathan: No, a woodpecker came in here, went into the bathroom, opened the drawer with his little wing and pecked a couple of holes in your diaphragm!
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