Clark: Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people, and I want him brought right here! With a big ribbon on his head! And I want to look him straight in the eye, and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?
Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?
Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.
Clark: Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.
[Todd and Margo Chester, the Griswold's yuppie neighbors, appear]
Todd: Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?
Clark: Bend over and I'll show you.
Todd: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold.
Clark: I wasn't talking to you.
Aunt Bethany: What's that sound? You hear it? It's a funny squeaky sound.
Uncle Lewis: You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.
Clark: Hey, Kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sleigh on its way in from New York City.
Eddie: [after a pause] You serious, Clark?
Ellen: Clark, I think it'd be best if everyone went home... before things get worse.
Clark: WORSE? How could things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen. We're at the threshold of hell.
Clark: Since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.
Aunt Bethany: [turns to Lewis] What, dear?
Nora Griswold: Grace!
Aunt Bethany: Grace? She passed away thirty years ago.
Uncle Lewis: They want you to say Grace.
[Bethany shakes her head in confusion]
Uncle Lewis: The BLESSING!
Aunt Bethany: [they all pose for prayer] I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
Ellen: What are you looking at?
Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...
[Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RV's toilet]
Eddie: Shitter was full.
Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?
Ellen: Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.
Clark: He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.
Eddie: Don't go puttin' none of that stuff on my sled, Clark. You know that metal plate in my head? I had to have it replaced, cause every time Catherine revved up the microwave I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half hour or so. So over at the VA they had to replace it with plastic. It ain't as strong so I don't know if I should go sailin down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
Clark: You really think it matters, Eddie?
Ellen: I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.
Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?
Eddie: Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.
Ruby Sue: Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous.
Clark: Nervous or excited?
Ruby Sue: Shittin' bricks.
Clark: You shouldn't use that word.
Ruby Sue: Sorry. Shittin' rocks
[as an entourage of suits - lead by Clark's boss - passes by single file]
Clark: Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.
Frances: [looking at Ruby Sue] Oh my gosh, her eyes aren't crossed.
Eddie: Ain't that somethin'? She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back to normal. I don't know.
[Todd Chester stares in horror at Eddie draining the RV toilet]
Eddie: Merry Christmas. Shitter was full.
Clark: So, when did you get the tenament on wheels?
Eddie: Oh, that uh, that there's an RV. Yeah, yeah, I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV. It's a good looking vehicle, ain't it?
Clark: Yeah, it looks so nice parked in the driveway.
[Raises glass to his mouth]
Eddie: Yeah, it sure does. But, don't you go falling in love with it now, because, we're taking it with us when we leave here next month.
[Clark nearly chokes on his drink]
Eddie: Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so.
Clark: Russ, we checked every bulb, didn't we?
Rusty Griswold: Sure, Dad.
Clark: Hmm... Maybe we ought to just go up there and check...
Rusty Griswold: Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car...
Clark: [Revealing his Christmas "bonus"] It's a one year membership to the Jelly of the Month Club.
Eddie: Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.
Clark: The most enjoying traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree is a thymbol of the thpirit of the Griswold family Chrithmath.
Todd: Well, something had to come through the window! Something had to break the stereo!
Margo: And why is the carpet all wet, *Todd*?
Todd: I don't *know*, Margo!
[They both look at each other, then in the direction of Clark's house]
Rusty Griswold: Dad, this tree won't fit in our back yard.
Clark: It's not going in the yard, Russ. It's going in the living room.
Clark: Catherine, if this turkey tastes half as good as it looks, we're all in for a real treat!
Eddie: Save the neck for me, Clark.
Clark: Okay Eddie...
Clark: We're kicking off our fun old fashion family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols.
Audrey: We're not coming all the way out here just to get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it are we?
Clark: No, I have one of those at home.
Uncle Lewis: [Clark is cleaning up the garbage off the kitchen floor after the dog went through it] Hey Gris, you're not doing anything constructive. Run into the living room and get my stogey.
Clark: Is there anything else I can do for you, Uncle Lewis?
Ellen: He's an old man. This may be his last Christmas.
Clark: If he keeps it up, it WILL be his last Christmas.
Mr. Frank Shirley: Remember how I was toying with the idea of suspending the Christmas bonuses?
Mrs. Helen Shirley: You *didn't*! Well, of all the cheap lousy ways to save a buck!
SWAT Commander: That's pretty low, mister! If I had a rubber hose, I would beat you...
Mr. Frank Shirley: I changed my mind. I'm reinstating all the bonuses.
Clark: Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - browsing. I, uh, heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldn't... Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?
Mary: You have your coat on.
Clark: Yes, oh do I? Yeah, it is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple?
Uncle Lewis: Hey Grizz, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you.
Clark: Aw, you didn't have to get me anything.
Uncle Lewis: Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.
Clark: Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber.
Rusty Griswold: Dad, I think you mean burn rubber and eat my dust.
Clark: Whatever, Russ. Whatever.
Eddie: I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
Clark: Do you really think it matters, Eddie?
Clark: No, Eddie. It was my fault. I lost my temper when I got my bonus and I guess I said a few thing I shouldn't have.
Mr. Frank Shirley: Bonus? How did you get a bonus? I cut out bonuses this year.
Clark: Yeah. Thanks for telling us. I was expecting a check. Instead I got enrolled in a jelly club. 17 years with the company. I've gotten a Christmas bonus every year but this one. You don't want to give bonuses, fine. But when people count on them as their salary, well what you did just plain...
Rusty Griswold: Sucks.
Clark: Thank you, Russ. My cousin-in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...
Eddie: Appreciate that, Clark.
Clark: Is innocent. I'll be more than happy to take the rap on this, on behalf of myself and every other employee you rear-ended this Christmas.
Clark: [the Christmas dinner table shudders, and loud gagging noises come from underneath. Clark looks to see where its coming from] Edward, what's wrong with the dog?
Eddie: [Looks underneath the table] Oh, he's just yakkin' on a bone.
[Grotesque barfing noises]
Eddie: He's got it up!
[Winks at Clark that everything's okay]
Clark: Maybe if you wouldn't feed him from the table?
Eddie: No. No, he's probably just been nosing through the trash.
[Shows kitchen, which looks like the city dump]
Audrey: Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?
Ellen: Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic.
Clark: Our holidays were always such a mess.
Clark Sr.: Oh, yeah.
Clark: How'd you get through it?
Clark Sr.: I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.
[after Clark fails at lighting all the exterior Christmas lights at the "lighting ceremony" in front of the entire family]
Frances: Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.
Audrey: He worked really hard, Grandma.
Art: So do washing machines.
Audrey: I hope nobody I know drives by and sees me standing in the yard staring at the house in my pajamas.
Art: If they know your dad, they won't think anything of it.
Eddie: [Referring to the electrocuted cat] If that thing had nine lives, he just spent 'em all.
Clark: [a squirrel is loose in the house] Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddam things.
Cousin Catherine Johnson: Not recently, Clark. He read that squirrels were high in cholesterol.
Art: [to Rocky] You got a kiss for me?
Eddie: Better take a rain check on that, Art - he's got a lip fungus they ain't identified yet...
Ellen: Oh Aunt Bethany, you shouldn't have done that.
Aunt Bethany: Oh dear, did I break wind?
Uncle Lewis: Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell no, she means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents.
[talking about Snot, Eddie's dog]
Eddie: If you scratch his belly, Clark, he will love you till the day you die.
Clark: I really shouldn't, Eddie. My hands are all chapped.
Ellen: You set standards that no family activity can live up to.
Clark: When have I ever done that?
Ellen: Parties, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays...
Clark: Goodnight Ellen
Ellen: Vacations, graduations...
Margo: [a knock on the door] Go away Todd.
Margo: If you want to come in you'll have to break down the goddamn door!
[Several SWAT officers bust down the door]
Mr. Frank Shirley: [to Clark] You're fired! And where's the phone? I'm calling the police!
Eddie: Now, just hold your wad there, fella. Clark had nothin' to do with this. This here, was my idea.
Mr. Frank Shirley: All right, he's still fired. And, *you*, are going to jail!
Mr. Frank Shirley: Sometimes things look good on paper, but lose their luster when you see how it affects real folks. I guess a healthy bottom line doesn't mean much if to get it, you have to hurt the ones you depend on. It's people that make the difference. Little people like you. So, Carl... whatever you got last year, add... 20%.
Ellen: [sees Clark standing up and looking out the window] Aren't you having any breakfast?
Clark: I'm not in the mood.
Ellen: What are you looking at?
Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn; the clean, cool chill of the holiday air; and an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.
Clark: [Clark is about to cut the rope holding the branches of his huge Christmas tree] I give you the Griswold family Christmas tree.
[He cuts the rope, and the branches fly out, breaking windows and surrounding Clark]
Clark: Lotta sap in here! Mmmm... Looks great! Little full, lotta sap.
Clark: Well I'm gonna park the cars and get check the luggage, and well, I'll be outside for the season.
Clark: [the newel post is wobbly so Clark cuts it off with a chain saw] Fixed the newel post.
Eddie: [walks in with a bound and gagged Mr. Shirley tied with a big red ribbon] Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas, Clark.
[to Mr. Shirley]
Eddie: You about ready to do some kissing?
Clark: I think you've made a terrible mistake.
SWAT Commander: I told you to freeze, mister.
Clark: May we blink?
Art: [a messenger delivers Clark's envelope with his "bonus", the family looks questioningly] What is it? A letter confirming your reservation at the nuthouse?
Eddie: If only I had that money Catherine and I gave to that TV preacher who was screwin' that hockey player.
Clark: What about the kids?
Eddie: His kids can fend for themselves.
Mr. Frank Shirley: I have never been treated like this in my life.
Ellen: I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping.
Mrs. Helen Shirley: Yes officer, it seems my husband's been abducted. The man was, was wearing a blue leisure suit. Plates were from Kansas. He was a huge, beastly, bulging man.
[after reaching the Griswolds' house]
Aunt Bethany: Is this the airport, Clark?
Margo: You just march over there and slug that creep in the face.
Todd: I can't just attack someone.
Margo: All right then, if you're not man enough to put an end to this shit, then I am.
Clark: Russ, go get the hammer.
Ellen: Clark, what do you need a hammer for?
Clark: I'm gonna catch it in the coat... And smack it with the hammer.
Mr. Frank Shirley: [picks up the phone receiver] Get me somebody. Anybody. And get me somebody while I'm waiting.
Ruby Sue: Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain't Santa Claus?
Clark: I'm sure... I can't even afford to be an elf.
Eddie: [holding Aunt Bethany's present] This one here, is leaking.
[Ellen sticks her finger in the leak. Eddie leans over and sucks it off her finger]
Eddie: It's lime!
[Uncle Lewis lights his cigar accidentally burns the Christmas tree]
Clark: Lewis? My tree!
Uncle Lewis: So what's the matter with you?
Clark: Look what you've done to my tree!
Margo: I hope he falls and breaks his neck.
Todd: Oh, I'm sure he'll fall. But I don't think we're lucky enough for him to break his neck.
Clark: Whew, it's warm in here.
Mary: Well you have your coat on.
Clark: Ah yes I do, why is that?
Mary: Because it's cold out.
Clark: Yes it is, it's a bit nipply out. I mean nippy out, what did I say, nipple? Huh, there is a nip in the air.
Clark: [realizes his bonus is a jelly-club membership] If this isn't the biggest bag-over-the-head, punch-in-the-face I ever got, GOD DAMN IT!
[kicks wildly at the presents under the tree]
Art: You want to hurry this up, Clark? I'm freezing my baguettes off.
Clark: [Clark looks down at the jello and sees that it's trimmed with cat food] Aunt Bethany, does your cat eat jello?
Eddie: I don't know about the cat, but *I* sure am enjoying it.
Audrey: [Commenting on sleeping with her brother] I have nightmares about what he does when I'm NOT lying next to him.
Clark: I can't believe you're standing here in my living room, Eddie. Never thought the day would come.
Eddie: Yeah I'm excited about it too.
Mary: These are cut really high in the hip. Look, I'm wearing something similar. See, you can't see the line.
Clark: Can't see the line, can you Russ?
Rusty Griswold: Nope.
[Clark stares at Rusty in shock]
Uncle Lewis: [Everyone goes outside to look at the 'Christmas Star"] That's not the friggin' Christmas Star, Gris... Its the light at the sewerage treatment plant.
Clark: [Realizing that there is gas in the storm sewer, and Uncle Lewis is lighting a cigar] Sewer gas!... NO DON'T LIGHT THAT!
[There is an explosion, and Uncle Lewis is thrown clear]
Eddie: Your company kill all them people in India not too long ago?
Clark: No, we missed out on that one.
Clark: [Clark and Eddie are carrying the chair outside after the cat was electrocuted] You smell something?
Eddie: Fried pussycat.
Clark: I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.
Clark: My cousin in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...
Eddie: I appreciate that, Clark.
Clark: ...Is innocent.
Audrey: Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?
Clark: Ooh the Crunch Enhancer? Yeah, it's a non-nutritive cereal varnish. It's semi-permeable, it's not osmotic, what it does is it coats and seals the flake and prevents the milk from penetrating it.
Ellen: I have this terrible suspicion that Catherine and Eddy don't have presents for their kids. Rocky said something about Eddie telling him that Santa Claus wasn't coming this year.
Clark: Yeah, Ruby Sue said something like that last night. How can they have nothing for their children?
Ellen: Well, he's been out of work for close to seven years.
Clark: In seven years, he couldn't find a job?
Ellen: Catherine says he's been holding out for a management position.
Audrey: [Peeling a carrot] Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?
Audrey: Well can we at least forbid them to answer the phone? Alexander called this morning and grandpa Clark told him... I couldn't come to the phone 'cause I was going to the bathroom.
Ellen: We're all making sacrifices, Audrey.
Audrey: Everybody? Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is, mom?
Ellen: [Grabs a box of matches off the fridge] Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic.
Audrey: I have nightmares about what he does in his bed alone when I'm not lying right next to him.
Ellen: Well, I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.
[Lights up a cigarette to smoke and Frances calls out from the next room]
Frances: Ellen, are you smoking again?
[Ellen puts out the cigarette]
[Grabs a cabbage and chops it in half]
[the Griswolds are unaware that Clark is trapped in the attic]
Ellen: Daddy, is Clark coming?
Art: How would I know?
Ellen: Is he in the house?
Art: If he isn't farting around with his lights, he must be inside.
Ellen: I'm sure he wants to come shopping and have lunch with us.
[walks back to the house, but Art pulls her back to the car]
Art: He's got another car; he can drive. I have to eat - so I can take my back pill!
Clark: I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin... Er, a tree. There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. Lewis burned down my tree so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà.
Ellen: Are you okay?
Eddie: [to Clark after they discover that the cat was electrocuted] If that cat had nine lives, he just spent 'em all.
Clark: [Just veered into the left lane and got stuck under a log truck] We're alright! Thank God we're alright!
Ellen: Clark, we're stuck under a truck!
Clark: Do you honestly think I don't know that?
Rusty Griswold: Come on you guys, don't fight!
Clark: Oh for Christ's sake, I didn't do this on purpose!
Ellen: [Praying] Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name, and forgive my husband, he knows not what he does.
Clark: [Before swerving out] Amen!
Clark: Christmas is about resolving differences, and seeing through the petty problems of family life.
Ellen: Yeah, and it's about my mother accusing your mother of buying cheap hot dogs, and your mother accusing my mother of waxing her upper lip, and then they don't speak to each other...
Clark: Your mother waxes her upper lip?
Ellen: She has for years.
Clark: Doesn't show.