Major League (1989)
Chelcie Ross: Eddie Harris
Pedro Cerrano : Bats, they are sick. I cannot hit curveball. Straightball I hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats. I offer him cigar, rum. He will come.
Eddie Harris : You know you might think about taking Jesus Christ as your savior instead of fooling around with all this stuff.
Roger Dorn : Shit, Harris.
Pedro Cerrano : Jesus, I like him very much, but he no help with curveball.
Eddie Harris : You trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?
Lou Brown : [at a team meeting] Can I have your attention, please?
[picks up a bat and leans on it like a walking stick]
Lou Brown : I have something I think you all ought to know about.It seems that Mrs. Phelps doesn't think too highly of our worth. She put this team together because she thought we'd be bad enough to finish dead last, knocking attendance down to the point where she could move the team to Miami... and get rid of all of us for better personnel.
Roger Dorn : Even me?
Lou Brown : Even you, Dorn.
Eddie Harris : What if we DON'T finish last?
Lou Brown : She'll REPLACE you with somebody who WILL. After this season, you'll be sent back to the minors or given your outright release.
Jake Taylor : [Jake stands up] Well then I guess there's only one thing left to do.
Roger Dorn : What's that?
Jake Taylor : Win the whole fucking thing.
Willie Mays Hayes : [Willie stands up] Yeah.
Pedro Cerrano : [Pedro pounds his hand] YES!
[everyone talks amongst themselves]
Rick Vaughn : [Seeing Harris take off his shirt, revealing white suff on his chest] What's that shit on your chest?
Eddie Harris : [Looking at his chest] Crisco.
Eddie Harris : [wiping it across his head]
Eddie Harris : Bardol.
Eddie Harris : [wiping it along his waist line]
Eddie Harris : Vagisil. Any one of them will give you another two to three inches drop on your curve ball. Of course if the umps are watching me real close I'll rub a little jalapeo up my nose, get it runnin', and if I need to load the ball up I just...
Eddie Harris : [wipes his nose]
Eddie Harris : ...wipe my nose.
Rick Vaughn : You put snot on the ball?
Eddie Harris : I haven't got an arm like you, kid. I have to put anything on it I can find. Someday you will too.
[Dressed in tuxedos, every team member, except Willie, stands behind Home Plate and looks at us]
Everybody : Hello. Do you know us?
[Everybody, except Rick, puts on their caps]
Everybody : We're a Major League Baseball team.
Jake Taylor : But since we haven't won a pennant in over 30 years, nobody recognizes us - not even in our own home town.
Eddie Harris : That's why we carry the American Express card.
Rick Vaughn : No matter how far out of first we are, it's cool. You know, it keeps us from getting shut out at our favorite hotels and restaurant-type places.
Pedro Cerrano : [pointing to us] So if you're looking for some Big-League clout, apply for that little green home-run hitter.
Roger Dorn : Look what it's done for US. People still DON'T recognize us but...
[Roger snaps his fingers]
Lou Brown : We're contenders now.
[Also dressed in a tuxedo, Willie slides into home plate and holds up a green credit card]
Willie Mays Hayes : The American Express card: Don't steal home without it.
Eddie Harris : Yo, bartender, Jobu needs a refill.
Eddie Harris : Hey, Lou. Aren't we gonna have a prayer?
[Dorn rolls his eyes and sighs]
Eddie Harris : I mean, uh, we're not all savages, like Cerrano over there.
Pedro Cerrano : Cállate, cabrón!
Lou Brown : You guys go ahead.
Eddie Harris : Oh, well, ok. Uh, let's, all bow our heads.
Roger Dorn : Excuse me I'll be in my office.
[Dorn folds his newspaper, rises from his chair and walks out, making a fanning gesture behind his backside]
Eddie Harris : Dear heavenly father, we humbly pray that you will guide...
[Cerrano ignites his ritual smoke with his cigar, which explodes with a loud bang]
Eddie Harris : Jesus Christ Cerrano!
Pedro Cerrano : Have to wake up bat!
Eddie Harris : Ok, shit. Can we try this again?
Eddie Harris : Up your butt, Jobu.
Eddie Harris : [looking at Vaughn's new glasses] Hey, man, they look nice. I had a pair just like them.
Rick Vaughn : Well, after the game I'm gonna go pick out a pair that's more me.
Eddie Harris : Good luck.
Lou Brown : They look good. Besides, seeing is the most important thing, son.
Willie Mays Hayes : I don't think it's that important.
Rick Vaughn : [looking back into mirror] Fuck...
Lou Brown : Oh, this old body could use a soak...
Roger Dorn : Yeah, but you won't like it too much,'cuase it ain't working again.
Lou Brown : Dammit, I thought that they were gonna replace this thing!
Eddie Harris : [Coming in] Hey! there's no hot water in here!
Lou Brown : I've had it with this nickel and dime stuff! I want that bitch on the phone!
Rachel Phelps : [Coming in] You wanna talk to the bitch?
Lou Brown : Yeah.
Rachel Phelps : Shouldn't you cover yourself up with a towel, Mr. Brown?
Lou Brown : We're out of towels. And I'm too old to go diving into lockers.
Rachel Phelps : I can take it if you can.
Lou Brown : What happened to the new whirlpool we were supposed to get?
Rachel Phelps : Our budget has forced us to cut back on equipment.
Rachel Phelps : [Knocks on Vaughn's athletic cup]
Rachel Phelps : ooh, cups still work though. Guess you're gonna have to fix the old whirlpool.
Lou Brown : We've fixed it six times already! Now there's no hot water in the shower!
Rachel Phelps : The pipes in this building are old and rusty.
Lou Brown : How am I supposed to take care of my players with no hot water and no therapy equipment?
Rachel Phelps : Your players have to get a little tougher. What are they a bunch of pansies?
[while holding a pair of leopard briefs]
Rachel Phelps : [the rest of the team makes an obscene gesture behind her back]
Lou Brown : Over 162 games and even tough guys get strains... Sore arms... Muscle pulls...
Rachel Phelps : It's only temporary. If I can get anybody to watch this team none of this would be necessary.
Rachel Phelps : [walking out]
Rachel Phelps : You're lucky I can still afford to pay your salary.