Evil Duke: Put them in the iron maiden.
Ted: Iron Maiden?
Evil Duke: Execute them.
[Bill and Ted meet themselves]
Ted: OK wait. If you guys are really us, what number are we thinking of?
[quadruple air guitar solo]
Missy: Hi, Bill. Want a ride?
Bill: Sure, Missy.
[she draws a blank stare at Bill]
Bill: I mean, Mom.
[she smiles and puts on her Ray-Bans]
Ted: [whispering to Bill] Your stepmom's cute.
Bill: Shut up, Ted.
Ted: Remember when she was a senior and we were freshmen?
Bill: Shut up, Ted!
Ted: Now your dad's going for it in your own room!
Bill: Shut up, Ted.
Ted: Your stepmom *is* cute, though.
Bill: Shut up, Ted!
Ted: Remember when I asked her to the prom?
Bill: SHUT UP, TED!
Bill: So-crates - "The only true wisdom consists in knowing that you know nothing".
Ted: That's us, dude.
Bill: You ditched Napoleon!
Ted: Deacon, do you realize you have just stranded one of Europe's greatest leaders in San Dimas?
Deacon: He was a dick.
Bill: [after Ted was "killed" by a medieval soldier] Bogus. Heinous. Most non-triumphant. Ah, Ted, don't be dead, dude.
Police Psychiatrist: I wanna know why you claim to be Sigmund Freud.
Sigmund Freud: Why do you claim I'm not Sigmund Freud?
Police Psychiatrist: Why do you keep asking me these questions?
Sigmund Freud: Tell me about your mother.
Ted: [both get served beers in a saloon bar] Whoa. He didn't even card us, dude.
Bill: Yeah, we have to remember this place.
Abraham Lincoln: Fourscore and...
[looks at his pocket watch]
Abraham Lincoln: seven minutes ago... we, your forefathers, were brought forth upon a most excellent adventure conceived by our new friends, Bill... and Ted. These two great gentlemen are dedicated to a proposition which was true in my time, just as it's true today. Be excellent to each other. And... PARTY ON, DUDES!
Ted: Dude, are you sure we should be doing this?
Bill: Ted, you and I have witnessed many things, but nothing as bodacious as what just happened. Besides, we told ourselves to listen to this guy.
Ted: What if we were lying?
Bill: Why would we lie to ourselves?
Bill: It is indeed a pleasure to introduce to you a gentleman we picked up in medieval Mongolia in the year 1269.
Ted: Please welcome, the very excellent barbarian...
[All the students applaud wildly for Khan]
Ted: This is a dude who, 700 years ago, totally ravaged China, and who, we were told, 2 hours ago, totally ravaged Oshman's Sporting Goods.
[Bill and Ted are working on their history report]
Bill: Okay, Ted, George Washington. One: the father of our country.
Ted: Two: born on President's Day.
Bill: Three: the dollar-bill guy.
Ted: Bill, you ever made a mushroom out of his head? It's like, just like...
Bill: Ted. Alaska.
Ted: Okay. Um... Had wooden teeth, chased Moby Dick.
Bill: That's Captain Ahab, dude.
Bill: He's dead?
Mr. Ryan: So, Bill, what you're telling me, essentially, is that Napoleon was a short dead dude.
Bill: Well, yeah.
Ted: You totally blew it, dude.
Mr. Ryan: Ted, stand up.
Ted: Stand up?
Mr. Ryan: Yes, son. Stand up.
Mr. Ryan: Now, who was Joan of Arc?
Ted: ...Noah's wife?
[laughter, then bell]
Mr. Ryan: It seems to me the only thing you've learned is that Caesar is a "salad dressing dude."
[Delivering a history report]
Ox: Everything is different, but the same... things are more moderner than before... bigger, and yet smaller... it's computers... San Dimas High School football rules.
[Bill and Ted are in Ancient Greece]
Bill: [approaching Socrates] How's it going? I'm Bill, this is Ted. We're from the future.
Ted: [whispering to Bill] Now what?
Bill: I dunno. Philosophize with him!
Ted: [clears his throat, to Socrates] "All we are is dust in the wind," dude.
[Socrates gives them a blank stare]
Bill: [scoops up a pile of dust from the basin before them and lets it run out of his hand] Dust.
[he blows the remainder away]
Ted: [points at Socrates] Dude.
Ted: Yeah! It's us!
Ted: Who are we?
[the strangers start playing air guitar, so Bill and Ted play also; more people come out and join them]
Ted: Bill, I think they want us to say something.
Bill: What should I say?
Ted: [shrugs] Make something up.
Bill: Be excellent to each other.
[room murmurs appreciatively]
Ted: Party on, dudes!
Bill: [to Ted] Good one, dude.
Bill: Well, we gotta get back to our report.
Ted: Yeah. We'd take you with us, but it's a history report, not a future report.
[after seeing the Princesses Joanna and Elizabeth]
Ted: I'm in love, dude.
Bill: Whoa. Those must be the princesses you told yourself about at the Circle-K. We gotta go. It's a history report, not a babe report.
Ted: But, Bill, those are historical babes.
Bill: Okay, you're the ladies' man. How we gonna meet 'em?
Billy the Kid: Here's the deal. What I win, I keep. What you win, I keep.
Socrates: [In Greek] Like sands of the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.
Bill: Ted, while I agree that, in time, our band will be most triumphant. The truth is, Wyld Stallyns will never be a super band until we have Eddie Van Halen on guitar.
Ted: Yes, Bill. But, I do not believe we will get Eddie Van Halen until we have a triumphant video.
Bill: Ted, it's pointless to have a triumphant video before we even have decent instruments.
Ted: Well, how can we have decent instruments when we don't really even know how to play?
Bill: That is why we NEED Eddie Van Halen!
Ted: And THAT is why we need a triumphant video.
[air guitar, the clock chimes 8:00 am]
Bill: Uh oh, we're late!
Ted: For what?
Bill: For school, dude!
Ted: Oh yeah.
Girl at Mall: Oh, my God!
[laughs with her friend at Freud's introduction]
Sigmund Freud: You both seem to be suffering from a mild form of hysteria.
Girl at Mall: You are such a geek!
[walks off with her friend]
Billy the Kid: Way to go, egghead!
Sigmund Freud: What is a geek?
Bill: [responding to Freud's invitation to examine him] Nah. Just got a minor Oedipal complex.
[Bill and Ted have just landed the booth in Bill's yard]
Ted: Uh, Ms. Preston. We'd like you to meet some of our... friends.
Bill: Yeah. This is Dave Beeth-Oven.
[Beethoven kisses Missy's hand. She laughs]
Bill: And, uh, Maxine of Arc, Missy. Herman the Kid.
Ted: Bob "Genghis" Khan. So-cratz Johnson. Dennis Frood. And, uh, uh... Abraham Lincoln.
[Bill thought Ted was killed]
Bill: Whoa! Ted! You're alive!
Ted: Yeah! I fell out of my suit when I hit the floor.
Billy the Kid: Not bad, eh, Socrates? Where are we, dude?
Bill: England, 15th century.
Ted: We are in most excellent shape for our report.
Bill: Yeah, all we need is one more speaker from medieval.
Billy the Kid: Excellent.
Bill: Billy, you are dealing with the oddity of time travel with the greatest of ease.
Princess Elizabeth: You're the ones we saw in front of the castle.
Ted: I am Ted of San Dimas, and, uh, I bring to you a message of love.
Princess Elizabeth: [giggles] From who?
Ted: [thinking] From... from myself.
Princess Elizabeth: And what is this message you speak of?
Bill: [whispers in ted's ear] Lyrics, dude, recite them some lyrics.
Ted: Oh, you beautiful babes from England, for whom we have traveled through time... will you go to the prom with us in San Dimas? We will have a most triumphant time!
Bill: Way to go, dude!
Bill: Dude, you gotta have a poker face, like me.
[Ted stops grinning at his cards, Bill looks at his own cards]
Bill: Whoa, three aces!
Bearded Cowboy: What the hell's going on here, Billy?
Old West Ugly Dude: Are you a-cheatin' us, Kid?
Billy the Kid: [sweating] Cheating? Me?
[leaps up/flips table over screaming]
Billy the Kid: Aah!
Ted: [they are about to be executed in medieval times] Bill?
Ted: I believe our adventure through time has taken a most serious turn.
Ted: [Ted stares down Missy's shirt as she leans forward, and then looks over and catches Bill staring as well] It's your *MOM* dude!
[an early morning jam]
Bill: I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire!
Ted: And I'm Ted Theo-
[realizes *he's* holding the camera]
Ted: Hold on. Bill, here. You take it.
Ted: And I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan!
[Bill puts the camera on the table]
Sigmund Freud: Hello. I'm Dr. Freud, but you may call me Siggy.
[Bill and Ted have met themselves again]
Bill: That conversation made more sense this time.
Capt. Logan: I want to speak with you, son.
[looks at Bill]
Capt. Logan: Alone, please, Bill.
[Bill goes outside]
Capt. Logan: All right, sit down. What am I gonna do with you, huh? You can't be...
Bill: [outside] Great.
Capt. Logan: You lose my keys, you fail history, you spend all your time with your loser friend planning a band that'll never happen. Now, you're not to leave this house again until tomorrow morning.
[the phone rings]
Capt. Logan: Yes?
Bill: Captain Logan? This is Deputy Van Halen down at the station.
Capt. Logan: Deputy Van Halen?
[Ted sees Bill on the phone outside]
Bill: I'm new dude - sir. Look, we found your keys. If you want 'em, better come and get 'em.
Capt. Logan: When I get back from the station, I want you packed and ready to go. Got it?
[Ted nods; Capt. Logan leaves]
Ted: [outside] We are in serious trouble. My dad already signed me up, my plane leaves tommorow night.
Bill: Only if we fail, dude.
[they look at the phone booth]
[Captain Logan is questioning Abraham Lincoln]
Capt. Logan: All right, what's your name?
Abraham Lincoln: Abraham Lincoln. That's L-I-N-C-O-L-N.
Capt. Logan: I know how to spell Lincoln. What's your birthday, Mr. Lincoln?
Abraham Lincoln: February 12... 1809.
Ted: Excuse me. When did the Mongols rule China?
Lady at the Circle K: I don't know. I just work here.
Rufus: Hi, welcome to the future. San Dimas, California, 2688. And I'm telling you it's great here. The air is clean, the water's clean, even the dirt, it's clean. Bowling averages are way up, mini-golf scores are way down. And we have more excellent water slides than any other planet we communicate with. I'm telling you this place is great! But it almost wasn't. You see, 700 years ago, the two great ones, ran into a few problems. So now I have to travel back in time to help them out. If I should fail to keep these two on the correct path, the basis of our society will be in danger. Don't worry, it'll all make sense. I'm a professional.
[arriving at the White House in 1863]
Billy the Kid: Candygram!
Abraham Lincoln: Yes, what can I...
[Genghis Kahn grabs and pulls him into the phone booth]
Bill: If only we could go back to two days ago before your dad lost his keys, and steal them.
Ted: Well, why don't we?
Bill: Cuz we don't have time, dude.
Ted: We could do it after the report.
Bill: Oh, yeah! Where should we put 'em?
Ted: How 'bout behind this sign?
Bill: OK... Whoa! It worked!
Ted: Right, so when we're done with the report, we have to remember to do this or else it won't happen... but it did happen! Wow, it *was* me who stole my dad's keys!
Ted: [after Napoleon explains his new waterslide war strategy] I don't think it's gonna work.
[pause, then slams his pointer down on the map, scattering playing pieces everywhere]
Napoleon: Triomphe Napoleon!
[translated: Napoleon wins!]
[as Genghis Khan shows off, Bill narrates]
Bill: As you can see, Genghis very much enjoys Twinkies because of the excellent sugar rush.
[seeing Missy as they arrive back in Bill's yard]
Billy the Kid: Whoa, who's the senorita? She's cute.
Ted: It's his mom, dude.
Ted: Dude, it's Sigmund Frood.
Bill: How much time we got left?
Ted: Tons. Why?
Bill: Extra credit, dude.
Ted: [to Freud] How's it goin', Frood-dude?
Rufus: You see, eventually your music will help put an end to war and poverty. It will align the planets and bring them into universal harmony, allowing meaningful contact with all forms of life, from extraterrestrial beings to common household pets. And... it's excellent for dancing.
Ted: [walking down the street with Bill in the west] Hey, Bill. This is just like Frontierland!
Bill: Yeah, but you can get shot here, Ted.
Bill: So just try to act natural.
Ted: Okay. Howdy, partner!
Old West Pedestrian: Howdy.
Bill: Watch out for the horse crap, Ted.
Ted: [sidestepping a big mound of horse excrement] Oh. Thanks, dude.
Bill: [Reading a fax on a desk while sneaking around in the Police Station's administrative section that their other selves have left them] "Dear Bill and Ted, good luck on the report. Sincerely, Bill S. Preston, Esquire and Ted 'Theodore' Logan."
Ted: That was nice of us.
Bill: [reading another fax they sent themselves] P.S., duck!
Bill: [They do so and avoid being spotted by an officer passing by at that exact time]
Bill: Excellent work, Dude!
Ted: [to Bill] Way to go!
Capt. Logan: You pack your bags, Ted.
Capt. Logan: You're going to military school, Ted.
Ted: But, Dad...
Capt. Logan: [interrupting] No, I don't wanna hear it, Ted.
Capt. Logan: Ted! You go home and pack your bags now!
[in Ancient Greece]
Bill: Socrates. Hey, we know that name!
Ted: Yeah! Hey,
[hands Bill the book]
Ted: look him up. Oh, it's under So-crates.
[upon meeting the "royal ugly dudes"]
Bill: I am the Earl of Preston.
Ted: And I am the Duke of Ted.
Bill: Okay, wait, if we were one of Europe's greatest leaders, and we were stranded in San Dimas for one day, where would we go?
[just before time-traveling for the first time]
Rufus: [putting on his sunglasses] Gentlemen... we're history.
Bill: Do you know where there are any personages of historical significance around here?
Rufus: [meeting for the first time] Greetings, my excellent friends.
Ted: Do you know when the Mongols ruled China?
Rufus: Well, perhaps we can ask them.
Captain Logan: [Captain Logan sees Bill and Ted pushing Billy the Kid out of the prison block window] Ted, what in the hell do you think you're doing?
Ted: Trash can... remember a trash can!
Captain Logan: Trash can? What are you talking about...
[a trash can with "Wyld Stallyans Rule" written on the side lands on Captain Logan's head]
[Bill and Ted see they are about go into a loop in the Circuits of Time]
Ted: What's that?
Bill: I don't know.
Sigmund Freud: [seeing the phone booth appear; in German] This must be a dream.
Ted: Okay, the lady in that car over there said that Marco Polo was in the year 1275.
Bill: It's not just a water sport, I knew it!
Ted: What are you doin' home, Dad?
Capt. Logan: I'm looking for my keys.
Capt. Logan: You haven't done anything with them, have ya?
Ted: No, sir.
Capt. Logan: I spoke to your principal today, Ted. He said you're failing history.
Ted: Me and Bill...
Capt. Logan: He also said that if you fail history, you flunk out of school. You know what that would mean, don't ya, Ted?
Ted: That I would have to go to Oates Military Acadamy, sir.
Capt. Logan: Uh-huh. I spoke to Colonel Oates this morning. He's anxious to meet you, Ted.
[the lights have dimmed in the San Dimas High School auditorium for Bill and Ted's presentation]
Bill: Hello, San Dimas. Please welcome, for the final report of the afternoon, from all throughout history, some of the greatest people who have ever lived, in their 1988 World Tour!
[Billy the Kid appears on stage]
Billy the Kid: How's it going? I'm Billy the Kid.
[the students begin giggling; in response, Billy whips out one of his revolvers and shoots a stage light to show he's serious. The student stop giggling]
Billy the Kid: I'd like you all to put your hands together.
[the students do so, clapping louder and louder]
Billy the Kid: [pleased] And now, my good friends, Bill S. Preston, Esquire, and Ted "Theodore" Logan! Yee-haw!