The Joker: Tell me something, my friend. You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?
Bruce Wayne: What?
The Joker: I always ask that of all my prey. I just... like the sound of it.
Vicki Vale: What do you want?
The Joker: My face on the one dollar bill.
Vicki Vale: You must be joking.
The Joker: Do I look like I'm joking?
Vicki Vale: [distracting Joker] Mr. Joker, you say such beautiful things. Oh, you're so powerful. And purple! Oh, I love purple.
Batman: Excuse me.
Batman: Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?
[Batman dangles a mugger over the side of a building]
Nic: Don't kill me! Don't kill me, man! Don't kill me! Don't kill me, man!
Batman: I'm not going to kill you. I want you to do me a favor. I want you to tell all your friends about me.
Nic: What are you?
Batman: I'm Batman.
Bruce Wayne: I know who you are. Let me tell you about this guy I know, Jack. Mean kid. Bad seed. Hurt people.
The Joker: I like him already.
Bruce Wayne: Now you know the problem was... he got sloppy. You know? Crazy. He started to lose it. He had a head full of bad wiring, I guess.
[Walks towards the fireplace]
Bruce Wayne: Couldn't keep it straight up here.
[Points to his head]
Bruce Wayne: He was the kind of guy who couldn't hear the train until it was 2 feet from him.
The Joker: Hmm.
[Smiles and nods his head]
Bruce Wayne: You know what happened to this guy, Jack?
The Joker: [Shakes his head]
Bruce Wayne: Well... he made mistakes. Then he had his
[grabs a poker and smashes a vase]
Bruce Wayne: LIGHTS OUT! Now you wanna get nuts? Come on! Let's get nuts.
Vicki Vale: A lot of people think you're as dangerous as the Joker.
Batman: He's psychotic.
Vicki Vale: Some people say the same thing about you.
Batman: What people?
Vicki Vale: Well, I mean, let's face it. You're not exactly normal, are you?
Batman: It's not exactly a normal world, is it?
The Joker: The pen, is truly mightier than the sword!
The Joker: [fuming] Batman... Batman... Can somebody tell me what kind of a world we live in, where a man dressed up as a *bat* gets all of my press? This town needs an enema!
The Joker: [reciting his poem to Vicki] I'm only laughing on the outside / My smile is just skin deep / If you could see inside I'm really crying / You might join me for a weep.
The Joker: Haven't you ever heard of the healing power of laughter?
Joker: As though we were made for each other... Beauty and the Beast. Of course, if anyone else calls you beast, I'll rip their lungs out.
Grissom: That you, sugar bumps?
[turns around to see a man]
Grissom: Who the hell are you?
Joker: It's me, Sugar bumps.
Grissom: Jack? Oh, oh, thank God you're alive! I heard you'd been...
Joker: Fried? Is that what you heard? You set me up over a woman. A *woman*! You must be insane.
[Grissom goes for his gun]
Joker: Don't bother.
Grissom: Your life won't be worth spit!
Joker: I've been dead once already. It's very liberating. You should think of it as, uh... therapy.
Grissom: Jack, listen. Maybe we can cut a deal.
Joker: Jack? Jack is dead, my friend.
[steps into the light]
Joker: You can call me... Joker. And as you can see, I'm a lot happier.
[laughs, and then proceeds to kill Grissom]
The Joker: Now comes the part where I relieve you, the little people, of the burden of your failed and useless lives. But, as my plastic surgeon always said: if you gotta go, go with a smile.
Alfred Pennyworth: I have no wish to fill my few remaining years grieving for the loss of old friends. Or their sons.
The Joker: [talking to a gargoyle] What are you laughin' at?
Joker: Bob, I want you to go down to the globe. Follow that reporter Knox. Take your camera. See what he knows about this Batman. And Bob...
Joker: Remember... you... are my number one... guy!
[about one of his suits of armor]
Bruce Wayne: It's Japanese.
Knox: How do you know?
Bruce Wayne: Because I bought it in Japan.
Joker: I now do what other people only dream. I make art until someone dies. See? I am the world's first fully functioning homicidal artist.
The Joker: My balloons. Those are my balloons. He stole my balloons! Why didn't somebody tell me he had one of those... things? Bob, gun.
[Bob hands him a gun, Joker shoots him]
The Joker: I'm gonna need a minute or two alone, boys.
[to Rotelli's charred and smoldering corpse]
Joker: Your pals, uh, they're not bad people. Maybe we, uh, outta give them a couple of days to think it over.
Joker: Grease 'em now? Well, OK. You are a vicious bastard Rotelli, and, uh, I'm glad you're dead!
Bruce Wayne: You're a real nice girl, and I like you a lot, but right now, shut up.
The Joker: And now, folks, it's time for "Who do you trust!" Hubba, hubba, hubba! Money, money, money! Who do you trust? Me? I'm giving away free money. And where is the Batman? HE'S AT HOME WASHING HIS TIGHTS!
Bruce Wayne: [Vicki goes to answer the front door; mouths] I'm Batman, I'm Batman.
Knox: You know what they say? They say he can't be killed. They say he drinks blood. They say...
Eckhardt: I say... you're full of shit, Knox. Oh, uh, you can quote me on that.
[Joker reads the newspaper]
The Joker: "Winged freak terrorizes"? Wait till they get a load of me!
Joker: So gentlemen, that's how it is. Until Grissom, uh resurfaces, I'm the acting President, and I say starting with this anniversary festival, we run the city into the ground.
Ricorso: Why don't we hear this from Grissom?
Rotelli: Yeah. And what's with that stupid grin?
Joker: Life's been good to me.
Rotelli: What if we say no?
Joker: Well, Tony, nobody wants a war. If we can't do business, why, we'll just shake hands and that'll be it.
[Rotelli shakes hands with The Joker and starts to get electrocuted]
Joker: Whoo! Whoo! Oh, I got a live one here.
[the Joker starts to laugh hysterically, as Rotelli catches fire]
Joker: [singing] Oh, there'll be a hot time in the old town tonight.
[the Joker drops Rotelli, charred to a crisp, into his seat]
Joker: [fanning away the smoke with his hat] Antoine got a little "hot" under the collar.
Ricorso: You're crazy.
Joker: Haven't you ever heard of the healing power of laughter?
[He begins to laugh again and mops sweat from his brow, exposing a patch of chalk-white flesh]
Joker: NOW GET OUTTA HERE!
Vicki Vale: He's really wonderful? He loves you a lot.
Bruce Wayne: Alfred's a great one. I Couldn't find my socks without him.
Dist. Atty. Harvey Dent: We've received a letter from Batman this morning. 'Please inform the citizens of Gotham that Gotham City has earned a rest from crime. But if the forces of evil should rise again, to cast a shadow on the heart of the city, call me.'
Alexander Knox: Question. How do we call him?
Commissioner Jim Gordon: He gave us a signal.
[Commissioner Gordon activates the Bat Signal]
[upon entering the museum]
Joker: Gentlemen! Let's broaden our minds. Lawrence?
Batman: I'm going to kill you!
The Joker: You IDIOT! You made me. Remember? You dropped me into that vat of chemicals. That wasn't easy to get over, and don't think that I didn't try.
Batman: I know you did.
[punches him again]
Batman: You killed my parents.
The Joker: What? What? What are you talking about?
Batman: I made you, you made me first.
The Joker: Hey, bat-brain, I mean, I was a kid when I killed your parents. I mean, I say "I made you" you gotta say "you made me." I mean, how childish can you get?
[reaches for a pair of glasses in his pocket and puts them on]
The Joker: You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you? Huh?
[Batman punches him]
Batman: See that thing on my belt? Grab it! Whatever you do, don't let go.
[Alicia sees Jack as the Joker for the first time]
Joker: Honey, you'll never believe what happened to me today.
The Joker: [Talking to Bob] You
The Joker: are my number one
The Joker: guy.
Alexander Knox: The rich. You know why they're so odd? Because they can afford to be.
Alicia: [Bob brings Alicia in] Jack, you said I could watch you improve the paintings.
The Joker: Well I'm in trouble now.
The Joker: I have given a name to my pain, and it is Batman.
The Joker: [examining Vicki's work] Crap... crap... crap... crap...
[sees pictures of war victims]
The Joker: Ah! Now that's good work! The skulls... the bodies... you give it all such a glow! I don't know if it's art, but I like it!
Vicki Vale: I just gotta know, are we gonna try to love each other?
Bruce Wayne: I'd like to. But he's out there right now. And I've gotta go to work.
Bruce Wayne: You wanna get nuts? Come on! Let's get nuts!
Alexander Knox: Mr. Dent, I love that tie. We were discussing the pros and cons of winged vigilantes. What's your stand?
Dist. Atty. Harvey Dent: Mr. Knox, we have enough problems in this city without worrying about ghosts or goblins.
Alexander Knox: Pardon me, but that's not a denial.
[Jack Napier is confronted with Batman for the first time]
Jack Napier: Nice outfit!
The Joker: New and improved Joker products! With a new secret ingredient: Smylex.
The Joker: It can be truly said, that I have a bat in my belfry.
The Joker: Shall we dance?
Grissom: Jack, it's an important job. I need... someone I can trust. You are my number one guy!
Joker: Have you shipped a million of those things?
Scientist at Axis Chemicals: Yes sir!
Joker: Ship 'em ALL! We're gonna take 'em out a WHOLE NEW DOOR!
Vicki Vale: [speaking across the entire dining room table] Could you pass the salt?
The Joker: I've recently had a tragedy in my life. Alicia...
[lays the mask that Alicia wore on the table]
The Joker: ...threw herself out of the window.
Vicki Vale: Oh, my God.
The Joker: But, you can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs.
[breaks the mask and starts giggling]
Alfred Pennyworth: I thought champagne would be in order, ma'am.
Vicki Vale: Hi, Alfred.
Alfred Pennyworth: Mr. Wayne told me to tell you that he might be a little late.
Vicki Vale: I'm not a bit surprised.
[the Batwing is flying at Joker]
The Joker: Come on, you gruesome son of a bitch! Come to me. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Come on!
Eddie: Hey, let's beat it, man. I don't like it up here.
Nic: What are ya, scared of heights?
Eddie: I don't know. After what happened to Johnny Gobs...
Nic: Hey, look, man. Johnny Gobs got ripped and took a walk off a roof, all right? No big loss.
Eddie: No man... that ain't what I heard at all. I heard that the Bat got him.
Nic: The Bat? Aw man, give me a break, will ya?
Eddie: Five stories straight down. There wasn't no blood in the body.
Nic: No shit. It was all over the pavement.
Joker: Hello, Vinny. It's your Uncle Bingo. Time to pay the check!
[Joker gives someone a hand and electrocutes him]
Joker: Oh, I got a live one here!
[the Joker sees a picture of Vicki Vale]
Joker: Stop the press, who is that?
The Joker: They don't make 'em like they used to! Do they, eh? Eh, Batsy?
Alfred Pennyworth: Miss Vale called again. Dare I suggest that your present course of action might simply strengthen her resolve. She is quite tenacious.
Bruce Wayne: You're right about that.
Alfred Pennyworth: And if I may say so, quite special. Perhaps you could try telling her the truth.
The Joker: Gotham City Cathedral, transportation for two.
Helicopter Goon: Right away, sir?
The Joker: Five minutes.
Helicopter Goon: Five minutes.
The Joker: [He raises his head to look at the top of the Cathedral] Better make it ten.
Joker: [sees Bruce Wayne enter the room] Well, Miss Vale, another rooster in the henhouse.
Joker: Take thy beak from out my heart.
[Turns off music]
The Joker: [after shooting Bruce Wayne] Why is it everytime I come for you somebody always gets in the way?
Alexander Knox: [seeing Vicki for the first time] Hello legs!
Passenger: Excuse me.
Tourist Dad: I'm sorry, this is my cab.
Tourist Dad: Listen, I was here first!
[as the cab drives away]
Tourist Dad: Oh, God! Oh, taxi? Taxi!
Vicki Vale: My pictures, your words: Pulitzer Prize material. Just think...
Knox: Okay, you're a visionary. You're also the only one who believes me. I need something tangible. Gordon's got a file on this. I can't even get him on the phone.
Vicki Vale: Bruce Wayne's benefit, he'll be there, right?
Knox: Yeah, yeah. I... I don't seem to be on the guest list.
[rummaing through papers on his desk]
Knox: No. No.
[she shows him two invitations]
Knox: Yes! Yes! Uh, Vale, will you marry me?
Vicki Vale: Nope.
Knox: Will you buy me lunch?
Vicki Vale: Maybe.
Knox: I eat light.
The Joker: Gotham City. Always brings a smile to my face.
The Joker: Darling, I've got to get you to the church on time.
Vicki Vale: What about *your* family?
Bruce Wayne: Well, actually, Alfred is my family.
Vicki Vale: You know, this house and all this stuff really doesn't seem like you at all.
Bruce Wayne: Some of it is very much me. Some of it isn't.
Vicki Vale: What can I do for you?
The Joker: Oh, little song, little dance. Batman's head on a lance.
Jack Napier: Decent people shouldn't live here. They'd be happier someplace else.
Alicia: Pretty tough talk about Carl.
Jack Napier: Don't worry about it. If this clown could touch Grissom, I'd have handed him his lungs by now.
Alicia: If Grissom knew about us, he might hand you something.
Jack Napier: Don't flatter yourself, angel. He's a tired old man. He can't run this city without me. And besides, he doesn't know.
The Joker: Joker here.
TV Technician: We got interference. Call the OB unit, will ya?
The Joker: Now you fellas have said some pretty mean things. Some of which were true under that fiend, Boss Grissom. He was a thief, and a terrorist. On the other hand he had a tremendous singing voice. He's dead now, and he's left me in charge. Now, I can be theatrical, and maybe even a little rough - but one thing I am not, is a killer. I am an artist. And I love a good party. So, truce. Commence au festival! And I've got a surprise for Gotham City. At midnight, I will dump 20 million in cash on the crowd. Don't worry about me; I've got enough.
The Mayor: We are not prepared to discuss any deals!
The Joker: You heard it, folks. 20 million. And there will be entertainment. The big du karoo. With me in one corner and in the other corner, the man who has brought real terror to Gotham City, Batman. Can you hear me? Just the two of us; you and me. Mano e mano. I've taken off my makeup. Now... let's see if you can take off yours.
Jack Napier: Why, Eckhardt, you oughta think about the future.
Eckhardt: You mean when you run this show? You ain't got no future, Jack! You're an A-1 nut boy and Grissom knows it!
[Jack pushes Eckhardt against the wall, and Eckhardt whips out his gun. Bob steps up from behind Jack with his gun pointed at Eckhardt]
Jack Napier: Better be sure.
[Eckhardt's lowers his gun]
Jack Napier: See? You can make a good decision when you try.
[he chuckles as he and Bob walk away]
Bruce Wayne: Let me tell you about this guy I know. Jack. Mean kid. Bad seed. Hurt people.
The Joker: I like him already.
[after revealling his latest "work", Alicia]
The Joker: Well, I'm no Picasso, but do you like it?
The Joker: We've got a flying mouse to kill, and I wanna clean my claws.
Jack Napier: Brought you a little snack, Eckhardt.
[it's a wad of bills between two pieces of bread]
Eckhardt: Why don't you broadcast it?
Jack Napier: Shut up and listen.
Knox: Lieutenant, is there a six-foot bat in Gotham City? And if so, is he on the police payroll? And if so, what's he pulling down... after taxes?
[Joker's broadcast intrusion; a commercial for Smylex]
Joker: [appearing in a supermarket] New and improved Joker products! With a new secret ingredient! Smylex.
[he holds up a glass bottle of green liquid]
Joker: Let's go over to our blind taste test!
[the two deceased models, Amanda Keeler and Candy Walker, both appear made up to look like the Joker; only their lips move]
[the commercial cuts to a darkened room with a terrified man bound and gagged; underneath him a caption reads: "NOT AN ACTOR!"]
Joker: Uh-oh! He don't look too happy!
[points to container next to him reading "Brand X"]
Joker: He's been using Brand X!
[a caption appears next to them reading: "OH NO!"''; Joker moves over to another man, dead with a Joker grin, next to a table of household items]
Joker: But with new Joker brand, I get a grin again and again!
[Joker is now sitting on a beach set with Amanda and Candy lounging next to him]
Joker: That luscious tan! Those ruby lips! And hair color so natural, only your undertaker knows for sure!
[Bruce Wayne is watching on TV as Joker laughs on screen]
Joker: I know what you're saying! "Where can I get these fine new items?" Well, that's the gag: chances are, you bought 'em already!
Amanda Keeler: Love that Joker!
Joker: So remember! Put on a happy face!
Knox: So, uh, what brings you here?
Vicki Vale: I'm here to see some of the wildlife in Gotham City.
Vicki Vale: Mm-hmm.
Knox: Like what?
Vicki Vale: Like... bats.
Knox: [thinking it's a prank] Who sent you?
Jack Napier: I'd say we break into the place, trash the office, and make off with the records and say it was industrial espionage.
Grissom: Jack, smart thinking. That's the way to go. In fact, I like you to handle this operation personally.
Jack Napier: Jack Napier:
Jack Napier: Me?
[Jack is holding a Joker card with a bullet hole in his hand]
Jack Napier: .
Jack Napier: [Stands up and grabs his hat and coat while his goons leave] Carl uh - can we get somebody else to do this? There are fumes in that place.
Grissom: Jack, it's an important job. I need someone I can trust. You... are my #1 guy.
[Flaps Jack's cards in his hat]
Grissom: Don't forget... your lucky deck.
Grissom: My friend... your life's about to change.
[Calls the police department to hire Eckhardt to help Jack out]
Grissom: Give me Lt. Eckhardt.
Joker: [shows up unexpectedly at Vicki's place] Miss me? Nice place you've got here. Lots of space. Uh, Vicki, we've really got to have a talk. I'm very upset. We were having dinner. I was a man doing well with a beautiful woman. And without so much as an apology, you ran off with that sideshow phony.
Commissioner Jim Gordon: This is Commissioner Gordon! I want him taken alive! I repeat: Any man who opens fire on Jack Napier will answer to me!
Vicki Vale: I'm reading your stuff.
Alexander Knox: Well, I'm reading yours.
Vicki Vale: Hi! I'm Vicki Vale.
Joker: At midnight, I will dump twenty million in cash on the crowd. Don't worry about me, I've got enough.
The Mayor: We are not prepared to discuss any deals.
Joker: [pushes the Mayor off the TV] You heard it folks. Twenty million.
Alexander Knox: [observing one of Wayne's odd sculptures] Check this out! He must have been "King of the Wicker People".
Alfred Pennyworth: Oh, I regret to inform you that master Wayne is going to be a little late tonight.
Vicki Vale: [grinning] I'm not at all surprised.
Knox: Commissioner Gordon, is there a six foot bat operating in Gotham City, and is he on the police payroll, and if so... what's he pulling down... after taxes?
Alexander Knox: They say he can't be killed. They say he drinks blood. They say...
Eckhardt: I say, you're full of shit, Knox. Oh, uh, you can quote me on that.
Joker: [Stops Bob from damaging Francis Bacon painting, "Figure with Meat"] I kind of like this one, Bob. Leave it.
Bruce Wayne: [introducing himself] Hi, Bruce Wayne
Vicki Vale: Are you sure?
Bruce Wayne: Yeah, this time.
Text: [opening Location; upon seeing the city skyline at night in the opening shot] G O T H A M C I T Y