The Simpsons (1989– )
Lisa: Dad, just for once don't you want to try something new?
Homer: Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure.
Bart: Dad, I can't believe you're risking my life to save your own.
Homer: Son, you'll understand one day, when you have kids.
Elf: Welcome to Santa's Village, where it's Christmas everyday! Closed on Christmas.
Homer: Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk.
Marge: Sitting that close to the TV is bad for your health.
Homer: Talking to me while I'm watching TV is bad for your health.
Homer: Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.
Homer: Well, I hope you've learnt your lesson, Lisa: never help anyone.
Homer: [after doing or saying something stupid] D'oh!
[Lisa is strangling Bart]
Homer: Lisa, no. Your hands are too weak.
[begins strangling Bart]
Ned Flanders: You know, a man came into the store today and asked for change for a dollar, and I accidentally gave him three quarters. Took me all afternoon just to track him down.
Mr. Burns: [Giving a talk to inspire the school] Okay, I'm going to keep this short. Friends, family, religion. These are the demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. Any questions?
Mr. Burns: Whoa, slow down there maestro. There's a NEW Mexico?
Chief Wiggum: [shopping for his wife at a women's clothing store] My wife's looking for something that doesn't make her look like a horse, so, I'm gonna be here for a while
Moe: Oh boy, it looks like it's suicide again for me.
Comic Book Guy: That was from a Dream Sequence! It never really happened.
Bart: None of these things ever really happened!
Comic Book Guy: Get out of my Store!
Homer: Ahh, now to spend some quality time away from my family.
Grampa: Ah, my first kiss! I remember it like it was yesterday!
[a thought bubble appears and fills up with static]
Barney: I'm just saying that when we die, there'll be a planet for the French, a planet for the Germans, and we'll all be a lot happier!
Lisa: Mr Gumble, you're upsetting me!
Barney: No I'm not!
Homer: Oh, kids are great! You can teach them to hate what you hate!
Homer: [Gasps] You mean the Mafia only did me a favour to get something in return? I will say Good Day to you, Sir!
Fat Tony: [Thoroughly ashamed] Okay, I will go.
[Leaves through the fire exit]
Fat Tony: Hey, wait a minute!
Milhouse: Mrs Krabappel? How will we know if we fall in love?
Mrs. Krabappel: Don't worry children. Most of you will never fall in love, but will marry out of fear of dying alone!
Homer: [Defending himself in Court] If these Celebrities didn't want people going through their garbage or saying they're Gay, they should not have expressed themselves creatively...
Marge: What do you do, follow my Husband around?
Hot Dog Vendor: Lady, he's putting my kids through College!
Kent Brockman: So, Senator, tell our viewers why they should vote for you?
Kang: [Bioduplicated to look like the Senator] It makes no difference who you vote for! Either way your Planet is Doomed! Doomed!
Kent Brockman: Well, a refreshingly honest response there from Senator Bob Dole!
Homer: Its been three days and my mind is clearer, my sperm count is up and I'm able to recognise simple shapes and patterns.
Lisa: Dad, you just said that three minutes ago.
Agnes Skinner: You failed, Seymour. What is it with you and failure?
Marge: Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone.
Marge: Not the swear jar! It's the only thing holding back the filth!
[Swear jar breaks]
Krusty the Clown: Talk to the audience? Oh, this part is always death.
Hans Moleman: This is Moleman in the Morning. Good Moleman to you! And now, continuing the series on the terrible pain in which I live every day...
Bart: [slapping Lisa] Don't hit Maggie. She's just a baby.
Homer: [slapping Bart] Don't hit Lisa. She's a girl.
Grampa: [slapping Homer] Keep your hands off of him Homer!
Krusty the Clown: We're going to drop him out of a helicopter and see what happens!
[Pats Mr. Teeny]
Krusty the Clown: Aw, don't worry. Nothing's going to happen to you, Mr. Teeny Number 7.
Homer: [Homer is a Bounty Hunter] Stop in the name of a Private Citizen with no connection to the Law!
Care Home Nurse: [having sabotaged a computer game system] Well excuse us for making the worst job in the World a little easier. The terrible pay, the constant presence of Death.
Lisa: But you can't stop them from having their fun!
Care Home Nurse: They should have had their fun before they got here!
Principal Skinner: Mrs Krabappel is in Portland. It turns out the people she hired to deprogram her sister out of that Cult were an even worse Cult.
Bart: Lisa made me do it. She cast a witch's spell on me.
Lisa: It's spelled Wicca, and it's empowering.
Bart: Wicca is just a Hollywood fad.
Lisa: That's Kabbala, jerk.
Homer: [Blundering into the Everyman Casting Session] Hello, can I have change for a dollar? Also, can I have a dollar?
Comic Book Guy: [Sees Homer as Everyman] You. Are. Acceptable!
Homer: Great, would you like to see me naked?
Hollywood Casting Lady: Oh, there's no nudity in this movie.
Homer: What movie?
Nurse: Dr. Nick, the Coroner would like to see you.
Dr. Nick Riviera: The Coroner! I'm so sick of that guy...
Marge: You should probably see a doctor about this...
Marge: [realizing] A competent doctor.
Homer: Oh no, Aliens! Well, I suppose you want to probe me, might as well get it over with.
Kang: We've reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us...
Marge: Nelson's a troubled little boy. He needs to be isolated. From everyone!
Marge: [cage-fighting] I don't want to sound like a killjoy, but because this is not to my taste I don't think anyone else should be allowed to enjoy it.
Principal Skinner: There's no justice like angry-mob justice.
Homer: Lisa's with writers, now. The happiest people in the World!
Kent Brockman: [in front of a mugshot of HRH Queen Elizabeth II] And the Queen will be held without bail until the sample is returned.
Hans Moleman: There is no escape from the Kingdom of the Moles! Well, except that.
Ralph: Your hair is tall and pretty!
Marge: Thank you Ralph!
[puts her hand on his shoulder]
Marge: You really are a nice young gentleman.
Ralph: Ah! She's touching my special area.
Dr. Nick Riviera: [watching instructional surgery film] Ew, gross, blood!
Homer: [to Marge] I toil not on ye Sabbath, Woman. A pox on thee!
Homer: Hey, Weiner Boy... where do you think you're going?
Scientist: Let's not listen.
Homer: Wait, what did my Dad always say?
Grampa: [Memory bubble] If you can't build a robot, be a robot!
Cool New Teacher: This school is a glorified hamster wheel! These stuffed suits can get you through a test, but you will fail the test of life!
Groundskeeper Willie: [dragging him out] It's always the good ones that go crazy the fastest.
Cool New Teacher: Alcohol is the only thing that makes life bearable! You must Drink, Always Drink!
Marge: [Bart is in an asylum after faking sociopathy to get back at his parents for testing him for it] How could he go so wrong!
Homer: We did everything we could for him during the commercials!
Milhouse: [sitting in a fighter plane's cockpit at the school fair] Pow, pow, pow! Take that Mom and Dad! Send me to a child psychiatrist, will you?
[the ejector seat goes off and sends him flying]
Ned Flanders' Mother: [getting Ned some therapy] We've tried nothing and we're out of ideas!
Bart: I'm done working. Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out.
Bill Cosby: You see, kids today listen to the rap music, which gives them the brain damage, with their hippin' and their hoppin' and their bippin' and their boppin', so they don't know what the jazz is all about. You see jazz is like jello pudding, actually it's more like Kodak film. No, jazz is like the New Coke, it'll be around forever, heh-heh-heh.
Mr. Burns: Bolshevism! Sheer Bolshevism! Ripe for the quashing!
Marge: We've got to get you away from these violent influences and into Church!
Reverend Lovejoy: And then the Belshazzemites did PIERCE the eyes of their foes and feasted upon what flowed thereforth.
Homer: [proud of the Bear patrol] Not a Bear in sight! The Bear patrol is working like a charm.
Lisa: That's specious reasoning, Dad.
Homer: Thank you, honey.
Lisa: By that logic, I could say this rock keeps tigers away!
Homer: Oh yeah, how does it work?
Lisa: It doesn't. It's just a stupid rock! But I don't see any tigers around here, do you?
Homer: Lisa, I'd like to buy your rock...
Swedish Barman: [Bart's telephone prank] If I ever find you, I will thank you for teaching me the futility of all Human Endeavour...
Apu: [Homer's triple bypass] Poor Mr. Simpson! I wonder if my Kwikie Mart is in any way connected to his wretched Health?
Customer: Could I have five packs of salted jerky, please?
Apu: Would you like some Vodka with that?
Homer: [Johnny Newspaperseed Museum] If he's so smart, how come he's dead?
Marge: [Bart is on Focusin and behaving] Oh, Bart, you're turning into the kind of boy every Mother wants! A girl!
Homer: I'm a simple man! I love America, and films where murder is legal one night of the year...
Homer: Name me one person who overcame adversity just on his own!
Homer: No need for pottymouth just because you can't think of anyone.
Moe: I am so Not British! Don't let my pasty face and rotten teeth fool ya!
Principal Skinner: Despite all the Ritalin, Bart has moved on to drugs...
Bart: [filling Skinner's pants with cats and dynamite]
Principal Skinner: This is not going to end well.
Homer: You wouldn't understand, Dad, you're not with it!
Grampa: I was with it once! And then they changed what it was! And now what I'm with isn't it and what's it seems weird and scary to me! And it'll happen to you!
Superintendent Chalmers: I'm a public servant, Seymour, I'm not allowed to use my own judgement in any way whatsoever.
Marge: We don't have room for another child.
Homer: We'll let Bart sleep in Lisa's room until he leaves home.
Marge: Won't that warp him?
Homer: It didn't warp my Uncle Frank.
Marge: What happened to him?
Homer: He joined that Cult. I think he's Mother Shabooboo now.
Principal Skinner: [Not happy with the "Puma Pride" mural] The shapely female form has no place in Art!
Robert Goulet: Are you sure this is the casino? Mr. Burns' Casino? I think I should call my manager...
Nelson: Your manager says for you to shut up!
Robert Goulet: Vera said that?
Mrs Lovejoy: Won't somebody PLEASE think of the children!
Homer: What you Celebrities must understand is that we own you for life! And the second you're dead, you'll all be dancing around selling toilet cleaner.
Marge: [protesting, sees Homer go in] Mr. Scalper, a ticket please!
Scalper: I am not a Scalper, I am a dude whose 200 friends did not show up.
[sells her a ticket]
Mrs Lovejoy: Now what do we do?
Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon: Let's talk about Marge behind her back!
Mrs Hibbert: Have you noticed her baby never says a thing?
Luanne: I'll bet it saw something awful!
Homer: [at a company picnic held at Mr Burns' mansion] Oh, boss. Look what we brought.
[holds up a jello mould]
Homer: Gelatine desserts.
Mr. Burns: [slaps his head] Oh, for the love of Peter. That's what everybody brought. Some damn fool
Mr. Burns: went around telling everyone I love that slimy goop.
[motions to a whole collection of jello moulds]
Mr. Burns: Well, toss it in the pile over there.
Mr. Burns: And make yourselves at home.
Italian Pizza Chef: Mr Hopkins, so sorry, but tonight your pizza, she can't be done.
Anthony Hopkins: ...Damn you.
Anthony Hopkins: DAMN YOU TO HELL!
Kent Brockman: So I guess you could say this barely qualifies as news...
Dr. Nick Riviera: [reading Gray's Anatomy] My God! That woman's swallowed a baby!
Lisa: You can't take revenge on an animal! That's the whole point of "Moby Dick"!
Homer: The point of "Moby Dick" is "Be yourself"...
Troy McClure: l hate every ape I see
Troy McClure: From chimpanA to chimpanZ
Troy McClure: So you'll never make
Troy McClure: A monkey out of me!
Moe: You know, they say there's someone for everybody
[on the other side of the World, Moe's Soulmate hangs herself]
Homer: Thank you for correcting me, Lisa, people are always glad to be corrected.
Boxcar Hobo: Don't worry! I'm not a Stabbin' Hobo, I'm a Singin' Hobo! I Stab all day/ and I Stab all night/ Stabbin' 'em all up/ with my Stabbin' Stabbin' Knife...
Marge: Could you sing something less unsettling?
Care Home Resident: Take my room-mate away, he's dead!
Superintendent Chalmers: [On Grampa Simpson's advice, Bart has kissed Nikki] Today we are gathered to put a stop to something that would have been considered innocent 100 years ago, but which in today's litigious society has been blown completely out of proportion.
Sideshow Mel: [dressed as a caveman with a bone through his green hair] My opinions are as valid as the next man's!
Therapist: You hate your father, don't you?
Homer: The guy I really hate right now is your father!
Therapist: I'm sorry, I was just venting...
Average Nuclear Plant Employee: I am the Angel of Death. Soon the Hour of Purification will be at hand.
Homer: Moe, it seems to me that everytime I drink too much something like this always happens. Maybe I should...
Moe: [Cramming beer down Homer's throat] Yeah, take your medicine, you lush, ya.
Mrs Lovejoy: [the Parson is coming] Please try and relax.
Reverend Lovejoy: But he's like the Pope of this thing!
Captain McCallister: I'll need three ships and fifty stout men. We'll sail around the Horn and return with spices and silk, the likes of which ye have never seen.
Mr. Burns: We are building a CASINO.
Captain McCallister: Aaaaarrr... Can you give me 5 minutes?
Bart: I don't know why I do what I do
[eats a bag of M&Ms then drinks a two-litre bottle of soda]
Mrs. Krabappel: Okay, children, that was the Sand film...
Marge: If I don't fight him tomorrow, you kids will have a more violent future.
Homer: [forseeing the Rapture] In a World this crazy, only a lunatic is truly insane...
Chief Wiggum: Take a last look at the unconditional love in your kid's eyes 'cos when he comes out it'll be gone!
Bill Cosby: You see, I've got to get back on the TV! Because with the Osbournes, and the softcore porns and the dogs poopin' and nobody scoopin' and the wah-wah-wah.
Bill Cosby: What do you like to play?
Bill Cosby: Pokémon? With the pokey and the man and the guy comes out with the thing and it makes him fall off the sidewalk wah-wah-wah!
Captain Tenniel: I don't know if it's the saltwater in my veins or the nitrogen bubbles in my brain, but I've really taken a shine to you. You're like the son I never had.
Homer: And you're like the father I never visit.
Grampa: [Abe is fronting for his grandkids writing for Itchy & Scratchy] I get paid $600 a week to tell a cat and a mouse what to do!
Homer: [fantasises about dumping Abe in a Mental Institution]
Mr. Burns: What was I laughing at? Oh, yes, that crippled Irishman! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Moe: We'll do this the same way they pick the Pope. Everyone take an egg from the jar, and whoever gets the black egg is the designated driver.
Homer: It's because they're stupid, that's why everyone does everything.
Lisa: [afraid she has the Simpsons' stupidity gene] Is there something I can do to change my DNA like sit on a microwave?
Dr Hibbert: ...Not according to any movie I've ever seen.
Dr Hibbert: We can't fix your heart, but thanks to modern technology we can tell you exactly how damaged it is!
Homer: What an age we live in!
Press: Where are the bodies?
Dr. Nick Riviera: [slams the door on them] Such a beautiful day! I think I'll go for a walk. Excuse me while I jump out the window.
Dr. Nick Riviera: [flirting at a party] Sure I'm a Doctor, baby, and I can prescribe anything I want!
Lisa: I suppose you could say I'd like to bring the Milhouse out in Nelson.
Milhouse: But I'm ALL Milhouse!
Ned Flanders: Science is like someone who tells you the end of a movie before you've watched it! I say there are some things we don't want to know! Important things!
Homer: In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the women.
Lunchlady Doris: I can only give you Chewable Prozac for Kids in the shape of cartoon characters. I've got Manic Depressive Mouse, or the Bluebird of Unhappiness.
The Rich Texan: I want you to have my hat. I wore it the day Kennedy was shot, and it aaaaaaalways brings me good luck!
Homer: [the Nahasapeemapetalans have had Octuplets] I'm sterile, right, Baby Doll?
Marge: Yes, dear, from the Nuclear Plant.
Bart: Homer, your half-assed underparenting was much easier to put up with than your half-assed overparenting.
Homer: But I'm using my whole ass!
Professor Frink: The Nobel Prize! It must be for my hammer which is also a screwdriver, which is mildly convenient.
Lisa: Just for that?
Professor Frink: It was a slow year.
Jasper: [Bird-spotting club] My God, a Pigeon!
Professor Frink: According to the Gas Chromatograph the Secret Ingredient to a Flaming Moe is... LOVE? Who's been screwing with this thing!
Barfly: [tries a Flaming Moe] It tastes great! And my phlegm feels looser...
Dr. Nick Riviera: [treating Mozart] I can see from here that you've got too much blood. Let's get you covered in Leeches. That's right! Eat the little boy. In the morning you'll be better. Or dead. But the important thing is: we'll know!
Otto: [at the wrong film] I never realised British Coal Miners had it so hard. There's blood on your hands, Mrs Thatcher!
Reverend Lovejoy: Have you ever thought about one of the other major religions, Ned? They're all just as good...
Homer: And should I reveal any of the secrets entrusted to me, may my belly swell up and my head be plucked of all but two hairs...
Moe: I think he should take a different Oath.
Chief Stonecutter: We all take the same Oath!
Professor Frink: [Homer is a Chiropracter] Will this help my Sciatica?
Homer: I don't know what that is, so I'm going to say "Yes!"
Kent Brockman: And I, for one, welcome our insect Overlords...
Homer: But Lisa, if this works all Daddy's lies will be true. Don't you want all of Daddy's lies to be true?
Lisa: I want a Daddy who lives in the real World!
Homer: To Daddy, the real World gets fainter and fainter every day...
Fat Tony: Take care of him.
Louie: Do you mean "Take care of him" or "Take care of him"?
Fat Tony: Take care of him.
Louie: Now I don't know what to do, and if I do it wrong he'll take care of me!
Homer: What's the matter, can't you afford an icecream?
Kid: Yes, but I'm lactose intolerant.
Homer: Son, I will not stand for intolerance!
Marge: Just when things were at their lowest...
Grampa: I realised I could make extra money selling my medication to Dead-Heads!
Marge: Grampa, what are you talking about?
Grampa: Er... nothing.
Marge: Right, no more TV at all!
Homer: Marge, this is a Noble Experiment, but like Prohibition it's just going to end in a hail of bullets.
Milhouse: [Disguised as Kirk] I'd like two milks, then tell us where babies come from.
Moe: Well, in my case, my Mother was hit with a Voodoo Curse, I gestated for 15 months and came out backwards and on fire. Five days later my tail fell off. See? Good times.
Principal Donderlinger: [remedial Science] I'm going to burn this donut to show you how many calories it has...
Principal Donderlinger: The bright blue flame shows that this was a particularly sweet donut.
Homer: This is not happening! This is not happening!
Superintendent Chalmers: [Vaudeville] What I am asking you is "Who's on first?"
Principal Skinner: A man called Hoo is on First Base, whose name confusingly sounds like the question "Who?"
Superintendent Chalmers: Well, Seymour, you have ruined the Act. Ya sexless freak.
Homer: [Rock Camp] I took some pills I found on the floor and now I'm afraid if I stop talking I'll die.
Cartoonist: I started writing Children's Books because my Cartoon Strips were so filthy that not even the Adult Magazines would publish them.
Jetski Douchebag: I hate manatees almost as much as I love tattoos that look like barbed wire!
Homer: [trying to send Bart off to school with good advice]
Grampa: [in memory bubble] Homer, you're dull as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it!
Homer: Lousy traumatic childhood...
Bart: I got a rapid heartbeat from KrustyBrand Vitamins, but this will not stand!
Marge: I wish you wouldn't drink so much in front of the kids.
Homer: I tried drinking in the pantry but you claimed that was antisocial.
Mason Fairbanks: I've dined with the Prince of Wales and Killer Whales, but only the latter knew how to chew without humming...
Apu: [his regular line when a customer leaves the Kwik-E-Mart] Thankyou, come again.
Moe: Like my Uncle says, sooner or later everybody gets shot.
Therapist: Get down from that bookshelf! Most of those books haven't been discredited yet!
Homer: To Alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
Prison Warden: Look at this painting of a Unicorn! What's it breathing? There's no air in space!
Homer: There's an Air 'n Space Museum!
Mrs. Krabappel: [Bart accidentally killed the class fish with his yo-yo] Bart, that's one month's detention.
Bart: Mrs Krabappel, we're all upset by the untimely deaths of Stinky and Wrinkles, but life goes on, so if I could just have my yo-yo back...
Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, if I were you and you were me, would you give back the yo-yo?
Bart: [Bart imagines himself as a giant with a yo-yo and Mrs Krabappel as a tiny person] Here you go.
[he reels it in before she can grab it]
Bart: Just kidding. Here you go.
[does it again]
Bart: Just kidding.
Mrs. Krabappel: Well, would you?
Mrs. Krabappel: HA!
Ned Flanders: [people are missing the point of Flanders' "Hell House"] No! His sin was thinking that women are beautiful!
Crazy Person at the Homeless Shelter: That's the answer! Pawn to King's Bishop Three!
Moe: [Homer is searching for his soul mate] I'm more of a well-wisher. Meaning that I don't wish you any specific harm.
Groundskeeper Willie: My shack! I just got it the way I like it!
Homer: [leaving Bart at fat camp] Let me give you this fatherly advice: go emotionally dead. Leave your body. Make lots of friends, bye!
Captain McCallister: All I want is a friend who's not a work-friend!
Homer: You know your problem, Flanders? You're afraid to be Human.
Principal Skinner: It's the only Behaviour Modification Camp cruel enough to scare kids like Bart straight, and then send them home quietly ticking away...
Krusty the Clown: I'm not the kind of Dad who's much fun. But the love is there!
Lionel Hutz: [Monorail criticism] I could answer your question, Lisa, but you and I would be the only ones in this room who'd understand. And I'm including your Teacher in that.
Principal Skinner: [Lisa's President in the Future] Your nutrition and education programs just created a generation of Supercriminals.
The Rich Texan: [Giving away Santa's Little Helper's new friend] I want you to have my dawg. Once they fall in love they're no good.
Marge: But won't you miss her love and companionship?
The Rich Texan: Ah-ha-ha-ha! Lady, you're aaaaalright!
The Rich Texan: [after shooting in the air] Sorry, I can't live without passion.
Captain McCallister: You're the boy that does healing miracles, arrrrrren't ya?
Bart: I don't do that anymore. I am no healer.
Captain McCallister: Arrr. I guess I'll have to find someone else to help me with my crippling depression.
Bart: And I thought he had it all.
Lisa: [environmental presentation] There will be no Springfield in 20 years! The sea levels will rise, drowning the lowlands! Fields that once fed the World will be reduced to Deserts! And in the New Ninevah, DARKNESS FALLS!
Mr. Burns: Who is that man?
Waylon Smithers: That's Homer Simpson, sir. One of your _ from sector 7G.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh?
Bart: Tell us a story, Grampa, you've led an interesting life.
Grampa: That's a lie and you know it! But I have seen a lot of movies...
Leonard Nimoy: What follows are lies, but they are entertaining lies. And isn't that really what we mean by true? The answer... is no.
Homer: [Homer is an ice-cream man] I've got to get back to my round! If these kids ever make the link between eating right and feeling good, I am screwed!
Dotty British Uncle: [Renaissance Costume] I gets my brain medicines on the Naational 'ealth!
[fishing in a goldfish bowl]
Ranting Streetperson: Did you ever read "The Old Curiosity Shop"?
Homer: Anything's possible with Captain Cuckoo-Bananas in charge.
Cool New Teacher: Why would you learn that when you can look it up Online in seconds?
Martin Prince: I've... I've filled my head with nonsense!
Cool New Teacher: Yes, you have.
Homer: [Spanish Armada] Oh, Lord, please help us kill these foreigners who think your Mother should be revered...
Mr. Burns: [repeated line, whenever he forgets Homer's name] Simpson, eh?
Homer: It was a simpler time, when all we had to worry about was Total Nuclear Annihilation...
Grampa: I'll be glad when we've buried the last of you Hepburn types!
Homer: Give me learning, Sir, and I will have none of your black bread!
Bart: [junk mail] Poison the Termites, Gas the Termites, Nuke the Termites, Save the Termites...
Lisa: [Marge's Life Coach] And because therapists don't have families, you can call them day or night!
Selma Bouvier: [Selma's going on a date with Barney Gumble] It's time to ashcan my girlhood hopes and dreams, and grab hold of the first train out of the station.
Snorky: They made me do tricks like a common seal!
Dolphin: Can you put it behind you?
Snorky: No! Here's the plan...
Homer: Then I bonked my head on the table and blacked out. The Doctors thought I might have brain damage.
Bart: Dad, what is the point of this story?
Homer: I like stories.
Homer: That's just my birthmark, and I'll thank you not to stare.
Chief Stonecutter: This means you're the Chosen One! Remove the Stone of Shame!
Homer: Woo hoo!
Chief Stonecutter: Attach the Stone of Triumph!
Groundskeeper Willie: Alright, I've taken all their salty snacks! Just like the English took all our sheep and our women in 1294! And then they gave them back! Which was worse!
Grampa: What's wrong? Usually I have to wrestle the bucket away from you.
Homer: Dad I'm in love.
Grampa: Uh-oh. This girl, she good-looking? Belle of the ball?
Grampa: No, no! Don't over-reach! You've got to go for the low-hanging fruit, the dented car, the less attractive girl. I blame myself for not having this talk sooner.
Mr. Burns: [Old Timey Atom Factory] Come on boys, crack those atoms! You! Turn out your pockets! Atoms! Six of them! Take him away!
The Working Man: You can't do this to the working man! One day we'll form a Union and get the Fair and Equitable treatment we deserve! And then we'll go too far and get corrupt and shiftless, and the Japanese will eat us alive!
Mr. Burns: The Japanese! Those sandal wearing basket weavers!
Mr. Burns: [Present Day] If only we'd listened to that man instead of walling him up in an old coke oven...
Superintendent Chalmers: I do not belong here! I am not bald, I am balding! Why doesn't anyone respect the Ding?
Principal Skinner: I respect the Ding, Sir!
Superintendent Chalmers: What in God's name are you talking about?
Mrs. Krabappel: Is this the line to rag on the new Principal Skinner?
Marge: If you have eight items or less.
Mrs. Krabappel: Ten, nine, eight! He's a weenie!
Marge: The first Principal Skinner was a weenie too!
Mrs. Krabappel: But he was OUR weenie!
Agnes Skinner: Now there was a weenie you could be proud to call your son.
Marge: Did you ever tell him that?
Dr. Nick Riviera: This is genuine human hair.
Homer: This is legal, right?
Dr. Nick Riviera: Yeah, sure, whatever.
[Holds up syringe]
Dr. Nick Riviera: This will make the operation go like a beautiful dream.
[knocks Homer unconscious and injects himself. Cuts open Homer's head with a Pizza Slicer]
Principal Skinner: Today we're doing Coding, moving on from our last educational fad, "Mindfulness". Did anyone work out what that was all about?
Milhouse: Shutting up?
Principal Skinner: Sure, whatever.
Kent Brockman: Tonight we ask "Do Opposites Attract?" as the World's oldest man meets the World's fattest man...
Kent Brockman: Tonight on Eye on Springfield, we meet a man who's been hiccupping for seven years...
Mr Hiccups: Hic! Kill me! Hic! Kill me!
Ranting Streetperson: You can't kill time, son, you got to treasure it! Seize the day! You got any change so I can go and get loaded?
Homer: [Pinchy is nipped by a crab] Hey! You don't have to take that from a punk-ass crab! What's wrong with you?
Captain McCallister: Arrr, it's not his fault he's a sissy. Someone's been coddling him.
Marge: Don't look at me! I wanted to eat him!
Captain McCallister: Sorry, it's usually the Mother. I run an academy for lobsters, we stress tough love and discipline, if you want to try it.
Marge: No! We're not sending the lobster to a snooty boarding school!
Captain McCallister: Arr, then answer me this: do you have any loose change?
Dr Marvin Monroe: [after Grampa's money] I've invented this isolation tank, it's state of the Art!
Grampa: Interesting, how much do you need to build it?
Dr Marvin Monroe: It's already built, that's the beauty part! I just need $200,000 to buy a baby to raise in it. I have this theory he'll grow up maladjusted, harboring a deep resentment towards me!
Grampa: Sounds pretty stupid, but it's the best I've heard so far.
Mr. Burns: Smithers, unleash the League of Evil!
Waylon Smithers: [Opens Secret Panel. The League are all dead]
Mr. Burns: My League! What happened to my beautiful League?
Waylon Smithers: Even Monsters need air, Sir.
Waiter: Yes, he ordered Fugu. I know, I know, if you cut it wrong it's poisonous. But if you cut it right, it can be quite tasty!
Evil Minion 1: Why did you think a Big Balloon would stop people?
Evil Minion 2: Shut up! That's why!
Moe: How can they be playing Quidditch when four of the seven Horcruxes are still unfound?
Groundskeeper Willie: Get yer Haggis! Sheep's Lungs and Heart boiled in the wee beast's stomach! Tastes as good as it sounds! Get it while it's hot! Ach!
Beatnik: How now, brown bureaucrat?
Carl: To the special magic, that comes from inside, that is Guy Stuff!
Moe: Yeah, I would say I love you but I don't want to say it and you don't want to hear it!
Lenny: To Nothing!
Marge: [Blind date] Please, don't be a freak.
Captain McCallister: [singing in the dark] Met her on the Mountain! There I took her life! Met her on the Mountain! Stabbed her with my Knife!
Assassin: There is another way to do this, but it is as intricate as a well-played game of Chess...
Jasper: [Machine gun fire] Was that me or you?
Superintendent Chalmers: [tractored from behind by Bart] I was going to make you Deputy Superintendent, but now that plum goes to Holloway!
Principal Skinner: Holloway? But he's a drunk!
Superintendent Chalmers: And a pill-popper! And what is a Dinner Lady doing posing as a Nurse?
Lunchlady Doris: I get two paychecks this way.
Superintendent Chalmers: D'oh.
Agnes Skinner: That's Love, Seymour, and I'm glad you got to see it once before you die.
Principal Skinner: [Loudspeaker] Someone has been distributing counterfeit candy hearts with off colour sentiments on them. I would like to remind you that Valentine's Day is no laughing matter!
Principal Skinner: Writing a Valentine to your sweetheart, Johnny?
Johnny: You betcha!
[Machine-gunned to death]
Principal Skinner: Johnny? Johnny!
[Doesn't realise he's thinking aloud]
Principal Skinner: JOHNNYYYY!
Bart: Cool, I broke his brain!
Homer: [Lost the kids abroad] Will you raise my kids in the Christian tradition?
Foreigner: Well... Coptic Christian.
Lord Widebottom: I Know I'm Alive... But why?
Luanne: You're not a pawn in my relationship with your father. Is that something your father told you?
Mr Van Houten: Well, maybe with time your lying will stop...
Bart: [funny noise]
Milhouse: Ha! You're funny. And the world needs a clown.
God: I don't know what you guys did to Him down there, but he's never been the same...
Pretzel Vendor: Whenever a Bavarian is not quite full, you'll be there!
Mr. Glascock: This is a great day for me. I thought Id never teach again.
Principal Skinner: Well, thinks have changed. There will be no mockery of your name, Mr. Glascock.
Milhouse: When she sees I'll do anything she asks, she's bound to respect me!
Milhouse: So this is my life. At least I've done better than Dad.
Bart: Why are we best friends?
Milhouse: Because our seats were behind each other at School!
Teacher: Ugh, Dead Poet's Society has ruined a Generation of Educators.
Homer: Immigrants are the glue that hold together the gears of our society.
Marge: Homer, I couldn't help but overhear you warping Bart's mind...
Sideshow Bob: And despite all the temptations to belong to other nations he remains an Englishman. An Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen GLISH Man.
Bart: [to Lisa] What are you going to change your name to when you get older?
Principal Skinner: Silent Anger! The cornerstone of a successful marriage...
Mayor Quimby: Remember, if anyone asks, you're my Niece from out of town!
Niece: I am your Niece, Uncle Joe!
Mayor Quimby: Oh, Good Lord, I'm an abomination!
Poochie: I know in the past I have been Proactive, and for that I am sorry...
Milhouse: The best day of my life just turned into every other day of my life.
Homer: Only a true father would lead his son to believe he belonged to someone else.
Intellectual Homer: [scrawled in blood] Ontology recapitulates Phylogeny.
Liberal Strawman: Oh the plain and simple facts is, I want to raise your taxes, and make your children Gay...
Professor Frink: I was trying to spare the child's feelings you insensitive clod.
Homer: Just give me a ticket.
Lou: Maybe we don't feel like giving you a ticket. Maybe we feel like hauling your ass in.
Coma Guy: Are Sonny and Cher still doing that stupid show?
Kent Brockman: She won an Oscar and he's a Congressman!
Coma Guy: Good night!
Bart: A kid who can't keep his parents' marriage together is no kid at all.
Homer: Part of being a parent is doing things that make your kid never want to talk to you again.
Mickey Rooney: The only soulless thing in Hollywood is the Music Industry.
Mayor Quimby: [St Patrick's Day] Oh no! Without the booze these guys all remember how much they hate each other!
Bart: Grampa, everyone's calling me a coward!
Grampa: Well join the club! Anyone who makes it to old age has got to be part coward.
Principal Skinner: But how will children learn if they don't feel like they're in kid jail?
Comic Book Guy: I've devoted my life to second-rate science fiction, trust me.
Teacher: Mrs Simpson, this is when I have Lunch, so I'm going to say that your daughter is Unique, and we're done.
Bart: What's a Muppet?
Homer: Well it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a Puppet, but boy-oh-boy! So in answer to your question, I don't know.
Marge: You don't need friends to be happy! I haven't had a friend in years!
Homer: You've got me! Who've I got?
Swede: Joy is but the Shadow pain casts...
Homer: [Kirk Van Houten's Midlife Crisis] Ha! He's afraid of dying!
Mr. Burns: [after Bart knocks Smithers unconscious with a rock] I like him a lot.
Mr Van Houten: [sighs] You know why all this happened, don't you? Because I took my marriage for granted. You know in twelve years, I never once helped out with the housework.
Homer: Oh yeah, you got to do that.
Mr Van Houten: I could have at least stayed in shape for her.
Homer: Oh, and for yourself.
Mr Van Houten: I could have taken just a little time to... to make her feel special.
Homer: It can't just be sex! It can't!
Mr Van Houten: God, I'm so self-centred! No wonder I didn't see it coming! That's how it is though - one day your wife is making you your favourite meal - the next day you're thawin' a hotdog in a gas station sink.
Homer: Oh, that's tough, pal. But it's never gonna' happen to me.
Mr Van Houten: Well, how do you know? What makes you guys so special?
Homer: Cause' Marge and I have one thing that can never be broken - a strong marriage built on a solid foundation of routine.
[cuts to Homer returning to an empty house]
Homer: Marge, I'm home. Where are you? Are you OK? I don't smell dinner.
[takes a note off the refrigerator door]
Homer: "Dear Homer"... aw. "Sorry you didn't want to join me tonight. I've left you hotdogs for dinner. They're thawing in the sink".
[Homer sees them and screams]
Lurleen Lumpkin: Oh Homer, no man has ever been this nice to me without... you know... wantin' somethin' in return.
Homer: Well, I was gonna' ask you for a glass of water but now I feel kinda' guilty about it.
Lurleen Lumpkin: [laughs] Homer, you're just a big sack of sugar.
Homer: Thanks! You did say sugar, right?
Lurleen Lumpkin: Uh huh.
Principal Skinner: [over the school's PA system] Students, I have an announcement. One of your favourite comic book heroes, Radio Man...
Nelson: Radioactive Man, stupid!
Principal Skinner: Strange. I shouldn't have been able to hear that.
Horst: [the new German owners of the power plant have not yet decided whether to keep Homer on] You've been safety inspector for two years now. What initiatives have you spearheaded in that time?
Homer: Uh... all of them.
Horst: [Horst and Hans glance at one another] I... see. Then you must have some good ideas for the future as well?
Homer: I sure do!
Hans: [after Homer fails to elaborate] Such as?
Homer: Well, er... well, I wish the candy machine wasn't so picky about taking beat-up dollar bills.
[Hans and Horst exchange another look, this time Homer picks up on it and begins to squirm under they're glare]
Homer: Because... a lot of workers really like candy.
Horst: We understand Homer. After all, we are from the land of chocolate.
Homer: Mmmmm... the land of chocolate.
[Homer starts daydreaming about living in a world of chocolate until Hans' voice jolts him out of it]
Hans: Mr Simpson? Mr Simpson?
Homer: Oh, I'm sorry. We were talking about chocolate.
Horst: [irritably] That was ten minutes ago.
Moe: [playing the lead of his own spinoff] I'm so desperately lonely.
[the studio audience erupts into laughter]
Troy McClure: [because Troy needs glasses to drive, he keeps hitting parked cars] Hey, these guys are all over the road!
Ned Flanders: [Flanders pours Homer a beer from a tap in his rumpus room] Here's a tasty little lager that came all the way from Holland.
Homer: Well, beggy can't be choosy.
[Homer drinks some and let's out a loud belch]
Homer: You'll have to climb the ladder boy.
Bart: But I'm scared!
Homer: Scared? What are we giving you all those meds for?
Bart: So you can do less parenting?
Homer: Ha! Babysitter in a bottle...
Bart: Are you gonna throw me in the Loony Bin?
Therapist: No, there are no Loony Bins any more! Those people are on the street...
Mr. Burns: Are you sure you haven't just made hundreds of mistakes?
Narrator: And so the Trillion Dollar Note was given to the richest and therefore most trustworthy American, C Montgomery Burns.
Martin Prince: I'm just as unpopular with the Ladies as I am with the Chaps!
Homer: [wakes up next to waxwork John Lennon. Waxwork Yoko Ono is mysteriously broken in two]
Rod: Mr Simpson, why did you hurt the Dolly?
Homer: Because like 80% of Americans I'm whacked out on prescription Drugs.
Rod: But users are losers!
Homer: You're confusing Drugs with
[wiggles fingers, spooky voice]
Rod: [screams and runs away]
Moe: William Faulkner could write an exhaust-pipe joke that would really make you think.
Milhouse: I'm tired of being a star, it's a sham! The real heroes are out there working on more important things!
Milhouse: No, curing cancer and solving world hunger!
Bart: But they haven't solved anything! Cancer and world hunger are still rampant. Those do-gooders are a bunch of pitiful losers!
Principal Skinner: In the interests of open dialogue, sit quietly and watch this film.
Mrs. Krabappel: You're endangering the childrens' future!
Principal Skinner: [too loud] Oh, come on Edna, you know as well as I that these kids HAVE no future! Ha! Prove me wrong, children!
Carny: You had that scar when you got on!
Bart: What scar?
Carny: You'll find out.
[rips out the safety bar, wanders off]
Carny: I like keeping records to myself. Ahh, oh I make the soup, my goodness, do I make the soup!
Diabetty: [Exercising] I'm tryna slim down so's I fit in Momma's Coffin!
[eats half a cake]
Diabetty: That's my re-ward!
Marge: Okay, you're overstimulated. Let's get some beer in you, and then off to bed!
Lisa: First Prize! First Prize!
Bart: [waking up] What are you doing?
Lisa: Just messing with your mind.
Bart: Snap out of it! You're Krusty the Clown! One of Look Magazine's Hundred Most Promising Clowns of 1958!
Krusty the Clown: A lot of suicides in that group. Funny suicides...
Krusty the Clown: I'd rather be a happy Shnook than a noble Shlumpf.
Katy Perry: [Extended Days of Xmas song] 30 your natural lifespan!
Selma Bouvier: No resenting us, ever!
Homer: That's some great flutenastics!
Selma Bouvier: Shut up! You can't praise her! She'll think she's smart and slack off! All our loving would be wasted!
Strawberry: We're getting married! Now when he talks to himself, it'll look like a conversation.
Lenny: I just want to shake your hand!