The Simpsons (1989– )

Hank Azaria: Moe Szyslak, Chief Wiggum, Carl, Lou, Comic Book Guy, Apu, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Carl Carlson, Superintendent Chalmers, Kirk Van Houten...

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Quotes 

• Chief Wiggum : [shopping for his wife at a women's clothing store]  My wife's looking for something that doesn't make her look like a horse, so, I'm gonna be here for a while

• Moe : Oh boy, it looks like it's suicide again for me.

• Moe : I am so Not British! Don't let my pasty face and rotten teeth fool ya!

• Moe : You know, they say there's someone for everybody

  [on the other side of the World, Moe's Soulmate hangs herself] 

• Superintendent Chalmers : I'm a public servant, Seymour, I'm not allowed to use my own judgement in any way whatsoever.

• Superintendent Chalmers : [On Grampa Simpson's advice, Bart has kissed Nikki]  Today we are gathered to put a stop to something that would have been considered innocent 100 years ago, but which in today's litigious society has been blown completely out of proportion.

• Homer : Moe, it seems to me that everytime I drink too much something like this always happens. Maybe I should...

  Moe : [Cramming beer down Homer's throat]  Yeah, take your medicine, you lush, ya.

• Captain McCallister : I'll need three ships and fifty stout men. We'll sail around the Horn and return with spices and silk, the likes of which ye have never seen.

  Mr. Burns : We are building a CASINO.

  Captain McCallister : Aaaaarrr... Can you give me 5 minutes?

• Chief Wiggum : Take a last look at the unconditional love in your kid's eyes 'cos when he comes out it'll be gone!

• Moe : We'll do this the same way they pick the Pope. Everyone take an egg from the jar, and whoever gets the black egg is the designated driver.

• Professor Frink : The Nobel Prize! It must be for my hammer which is also a screwdriver, which is mildly convenient.

  Lisa : Just for that?

  Professor Frink : It was a slow year.

• Professor Frink : According to the Gas Chromatograph the Secret Ingredient to a Flaming Moe is... LOVE? Who's been screwing with this thing!

• Homer : And should I reveal any of the secrets entrusted to me, may my belly swell up and my head be plucked of all but two hairs...

  Moe : I think he should take a different Oath.

  Chief Stonecutter : We all take the same Oath!

• Professor Frink : [Homer is a Chiropracter]  Will this help my Sciatica?

  Homer : I don't know what that is, so I'm going to say "Yes!"

• Milhouse : [Disguised as Kirk]  I'd like two milks, then tell us where babies come from.

  Moe : Well, in my case, my Mother was hit with a Voodoo Curse, I gestated for 15 months and came out backwards and on fire. Five days later my tail fell off. See? Good times.

• Superintendent Chalmers : [Vaudeville]  What I am asking you is "Who's on first?"

  Principal Skinner : A man called Hoo is on First Base, whose name confusingly sounds like the question "Who?"

  Superintendent Chalmers : Well, Seymour, you have ruined the Act. Ya sexless freak.

• Moe : Like my Uncle says, sooner or later everybody gets shot.

• Moe : [Homer is searching for his soul mate]  I'm more of a well-wisher. Meaning that I don't wish you any specific harm.

• Captain McCallister : All I want is a friend who's not a work-friend!

• Captain McCallister : You're the boy that does healing miracles, arrrrrren't ya?

  Bart : I don't do that anymore. I am no healer.

  Captain McCallister : Arrr. I guess I'll have to find someone else to help me with my crippling depression.

  [wanders away] 

  Bart : And I thought he had it all.

• Superintendent Chalmers : I do not belong here! I am not bald, I am balding! Why doesn't anyone respect the Ding?

  Principal Skinner : I respect the Ding, Sir!

  Superintendent Chalmers : What in God's name are you talking about?

• Homer : [Pinchy is nipped by a crab]  Hey! You don't have to take that from a punk-ass crab! What's wrong with you?

  Captain McCallister : Arrr, it's not his fault he's a sissy. Someone's been coddling him.

  Marge : Don't look at me! I wanted to eat him!

  Captain McCallister : Sorry, it's usually the Mother. I run an academy for lobsters, we stress tough love and discipline, if you want to try it.

  Marge : No! We're not sending the lobster to a snooty boarding school!

  Captain McCallister : Arr, then answer me this: do you have any loose change?

• Moe : How can they be playing Quidditch when four of the seven Horcruxes are still unfound?

• Moe : My Doctor says it's best that I don't sleep.

• Carl : To the special magic, that comes from inside, that is Guy Stuff!

  Moe : Yeah, I would say I love you but I don't want to say it and you don't want to hear it!

  Lenny : To Nothing!

  [Clink] 

• Marge : [Blind date]  Please, don't be a freak.

  Captain McCallister : [singing in the dark]  Met her on the Mountain! There I took her life! Met her on the Mountain! Stabbed her with my Knife!

• Superintendent Chalmers : [tractored from behind by Bart]  I was going to make you Deputy Superintendent, but now that plum goes to Holloway!

  Principal Skinner : Holloway? But he's a drunk!

  Superintendent Chalmers : And a pill-popper! And what is a Dinner Lady doing posing as a Nurse?

  Lunchlady Doris : I get two paychecks this way.

  Superintendent Chalmers : D'oh.

• Chief Wiggum : Esquilax!

• Professor Frink : I was trying to spare the child's feelings you insensitive clod.

• Moe : [playing the lead of his own spinoff]  I'm so desperately lonely.

  [the studio audience erupts into laughter] 

• Moe : William Faulkner could write an exhaust-pipe joke that would really make you think.

• Chief Wiggum : Why are the pretty ones always insane?

• Moe : My only friends are the Ghosts that came with this Bar.

• Professor Frink : I didn't come here to be heckled and spoofed!

• Moe : You know, Babar the Elephant married his cousin. That was my take-home, anyway.

• Chief Wiggum : Book 'em, Lou! One Count of Being a Bear, and one Count of Being an Accessory to Being a Bear.