The Simpsons (TV Series 1989– ) Poster

(1989– )

Hank Azaria: Moe Szyslak, Chief Wiggum, Carl, Lou, Comic Book Guy, Apu, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Carl Carlson, Superintendent Chalmers, Kirk Van Houten...



  • Chief Wiggum : [shopping for his wife at a women's clothing store]  My wife's looking for something that doesn't make her look like a horse, so, I'm gonna be here for a while

  • Moe : Oh boy, it looks like it's suicide again for me.

  • Moe : I am so Not British! Don't let my pasty face and rotten teeth fool ya!

  • Moe : You know, they say there's someone for everybody

    [on the other side of the World, Moe's Soulmate hangs herself] 

  • Superintendent Chalmers : I'm a public servant, Seymour, I'm not allowed to use my own judgement in any way whatsoever.

  • Superintendent Chalmers : [On Grampa Simpson's advice, Bart has kissed Nikki]  Today we are gathered to put a stop to something that would have been considered innocent 100 years ago, but which in today's litigious society has been blown completely out of proportion.

  • Homer : Moe, it seems to me that everytime I drink too much something like this always happens. Maybe I should...

    Moe : [Cramming beer down Homer's throat]  Yeah, take your medicine, you lush, ya.

  • Captain McCallister : I'll need three ships and fifty stout men. We'll sail around the Horn and return with spices and silk, the likes of which ye have never seen.

    Mr. Burns : We are building a CASINO.

    Captain McCallister : Aaaaarrr... Can you give me 5 minutes?

  • Chief Wiggum : Take a last look at the unconditional love in your kid's eyes 'cos when he comes out it'll be gone!

  • Moe : We'll do this the same way they pick the Pope. Everyone take an egg from the jar, and whoever gets the black egg is the designated driver.

  • Professor Frink : The Nobel Prize! It must be for my hammer which is also a screwdriver, which is mildly convenient.

    Lisa : Just for that?

    Professor Frink : It was a slow year.

  • Professor Frink : According to the Gas Chromatograph the Secret Ingredient to a Flaming Moe is... LOVE? Who's been screwing with this thing!

  • Homer : And should I reveal any of the secrets entrusted to me, may my belly swell up and my head be plucked of all but two hairs...

    Moe : I think he should take a different Oath.

    Chief Stonecutter : We all take the same Oath!

  • Professor Frink : [Homer is a Chiropracter]  Will this help my Sciatica?

    Homer : I don't know what that is, so I'm going to say "Yes!"

  • Milhouse : [Disguised as Kirk]  I'd like two milks, then tell us where babies come from.

    Moe : Well, in my case, my Mother was hit with a Voodoo Curse, I gestated for 15 months and came out backwards and on fire. Five days later my tail fell off. See? Good times.

  • Superintendent Chalmers : [Vaudeville]  What I am asking you is "Who's on first?"

    Principal Skinner : A man called Hoo is on First Base, whose name confusingly sounds like the question "Who?"

    Superintendent Chalmers : Well, Seymour, you have ruined the Act. Ya sexless freak.

  • Moe : Like my Uncle says, sooner or later everybody gets shot.

  • Moe : [Homer is searching for his soul mate]  I'm more of a well-wisher. Meaning that I don't wish you any specific harm.

  • Captain McCallister : All I want is a friend who's not a work-friend!

  • Captain McCallister : You're the boy that does healing miracles, arrrrrren't ya?

    Bart : I don't do that anymore. I am no healer.

    Captain McCallister : Arrr. I guess I'll have to find someone else to help me with my crippling depression.

    [wanders away] 

    Bart : And I thought he had it all.

  • Superintendent Chalmers : I do not belong here! I am not bald, I am balding! Why doesn't anyone respect the Ding?

    Principal Skinner : I respect the Ding, Sir!

    Superintendent Chalmers : What in God's name are you talking about?

  • Homer : [Pinchy is nipped by a crab]  Hey! You don't have to take that from a punk-ass crab! What's wrong with you?

    Captain McCallister : Arrr, it's not his fault he's a sissy. Someone's been coddling him.

    Marge : Don't look at me! I wanted to eat him!

    Captain McCallister : Sorry, it's usually the Mother. I run an academy for lobsters, we stress tough love and discipline, if you want to try it.

    Marge : No! We're not sending the lobster to a snooty boarding school!

    Captain McCallister : Arr, then answer me this: do you have any loose change?

  • Moe : How can they be playing Quidditch when four of the seven Horcruxes are still unfound?

  • Moe : My Doctor says it's best that I don't sleep.

  • Carl : To the special magic, that comes from inside, that is Guy Stuff!

    Moe : Yeah, I would say I love you but I don't want to say it and you don't want to hear it!

    Lenny : To Nothing!


  • Marge : [Blind date]  Please, don't be a freak.

    Captain McCallister : [singing in the dark]  Met her on the Mountain! There I took her life! Met her on the Mountain! Stabbed her with my Knife!

  • Superintendent Chalmers : [tractored from behind by Bart]  I was going to make you Deputy Superintendent, but now that plum goes to Holloway!

    Principal Skinner : Holloway? But he's a drunk!

    Superintendent Chalmers : And a pill-popper! And what is a Dinner Lady doing posing as a Nurse?

    Lunchlady Doris : I get two paychecks this way.

    Superintendent Chalmers : D'oh.

  • Chief Wiggum : Esquilax!

  • Professor Frink : I was trying to spare the child's feelings you insensitive clod.

  • Moe : [playing the lead of his own spinoff]  I'm so desperately lonely.

    [the studio audience erupts into laughter] 

  • Moe : William Faulkner could write an exhaust-pipe joke that would really make you think.

  • Chief Wiggum : Why are the pretty ones always insane?

  • Moe : My only friends are the Ghosts that came with this Bar.

  • Professor Frink : I didn't come here to be heckled and spoofed!

  • Moe : You know, Babar the Elephant married his cousin. That was my take-home, anyway.

  • Chief Wiggum : Book 'em, Lou! One Count of Being a Bear, and one Count of Being an Accessory to Being a Bear.

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs

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