Julius Benedict: I did nothing. The pavement was his enemy.
Julius Benedict: My name is Julius and I am your twin brother.
Vincent Benedict: Oh, obviously! The moment I sat down I thought I was looking into a mirror.
Julius Benedict: I don't know what the problem is, but I'm sure it can be solved without resorting to violence.
Julius Benedict: Wait a minute. You forgot the third rule in a crisis situation.
Webster: What third rule?
Vincent Benedict: Third rule?
Julius Benedict: Yeah, third rule.
Vincent Benedict: [notices the crane above Webster] Oooh! The third rule.
Webster: What's the third rule?
[Vincent hits the crane switch which drops a pile of chains on Webster burying him]
Vincent Benedict: Yo! Holy shmoly! Now there's a man with a lot on his mind.
Julius Benedict: [to Klane] Now the first rule in the crisis situation, you negotiate first and you attack last.
Vincent Benedict: You negotiate *first* and then you attack?
Julius Benedict: You never negotiated.
Vincent Benedict: [to Klane] Ah hah!
Julius Benedict: You don't know what kind of an enemy I am.
Morris Klane: Who are you?
Julius Benedict: Vincent's brother.
Vincent Benedict: [happily] We're twins.
Julius Benedict: That's right.
Morris Klane: [smashes a glass case and grabs a fire axe] You're firewood.
Julius Benedict: For the first time in my life, I'm... *pissed off*!
Vincent Benedict: [trying to hold Julius back] Julius, don't do this to me! I got a car to deliver! The last thing I need is a detour to the slammer!
[Mary Ann enters the twins' office, holding a teddy bear]
Mary Ann Benedict: Excuse me? I'm... oh, my God, I don't even know which one is which. I'm sorry, I didn't know. You-you see, I didn't believe your story. I mean, who would believe a crazy story like that? They lied to me all these years. They lied to you, too. You found each other... now you found me.
Julius Benedict: You moved too soon.
Burt Klane: [confused] What?
Julius Benedict: The second rule in the crisis situation.
Morris Klane: Uh oh, he's starting that funny talk again.
Julius Benedict: If you choose to bluff, you must be prepared to have your bluff called.
Burt Klane: This is no bluff.
Julius Benedict: Axe, axe, axe, axe, axe!
Morris Klane: [swings the axe at Julius]
Julius Benedict: You have no respect for logic.
Vincent Benedict: But he's got an axe!
Morris Klane: [Klane charges Julius, who sidesteps his blow. The axe is imbedded in the wall. As Julius grabs him]
Julius Benedict: And I have no respect for those who have no respect for logic.
[picks Klane up with both hands and lifts him a foot up in the air]
Julius Benedict: You're a very stupid person.
[throws him into an open elevator]
Vincent Benedict: [to Klane as the elevator is about to close] You tell your brother, he messes with ME, he messes with my whole family!
Beetroot McKinley: [answers the phone] Beetroot McKinley talking. Who is this?
Vincent Benedict: Uh... Webster - calling from California. I happen to have something, uh, some merchandise, that you, uh, that you might want.
Beetroot McKinley: Well, bring it to me, son. Let me enrich you.
Vincent Benedict: Well, uh, Mr. Beetroot, it's the amount of enrichment that I wanted to talk about.
Beetroot McKinley: Don't try and renegotiate with old Beetroot, son.
Vincent Benedict: Look, Beetroot, if we can't renegotiate, we wither and die. Look, there's no way Mr. Beetroot, that I am gonna deliver any damn Cadillac, unless I know for sure that I have... TWENTY for my cut.
Beetroot McKinley: Twenty? You little shit-for-brains peckerwood! You're out of your goddamn crazy diseased greedy mind!
Vincent Benedict: Well, I guess that seems a little high for you.
Beetroot McKinley: YEAH.
Vincent Benedict: Well, I'm a reasonable man, uh, how 'bout fifteen?
Beetroot McKinley: The deal is FIVE!
Vincent Benedict: FIVE? I can do better than five here.
Beetroot McKinley: If you can do better than five million dollars, then, son, you take it.
Vincent Benedict: [starts to have trouble breathing]
Vincent Benedict: [having trouble talking] Beetroot, I'll see you in Houston. After all, fair is fair. I'll just have to find it in my heart to live with your offer.
Beetroot McKinley: Well, good.
Vincent Benedict: [they both hang up] Five MILLION! Five MILLION dollars! Five MILLION dollars!
Vincent Benedict: [points to a device in the lab] This must, uh, be where you made the milkshake.
Mitchell Traven: We weren't making milkshakes. We were making the most fully developed human the world has ever seen.
Vincent Benedict: But instead of just one perfect kid, Mom had the two of us.
Vincent Benedict: Way to go, Mom.
Mitchell Traven: Wrong. The embryo did split in two, but it didn't split equally. All the purity and strength went into Julius. All the crap that was left over went into what you see in the mirror every morning.
Vincent Benedict: Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're telling me that I'm the crap?
Julius Benedict: No, this is not true, Vincent.
Vincent Benedict: Wait a minute, Julius. I wanna hear this.
Vincent Benedict: You're telling me that I am the left over crap? That I'm no good?
Julius Benedict: He's *wrong*.
Mitchell Traven: [points at Vincent] Look at him.
Vincent Benedict: Are you saying that... I'm a side effect?
Mitchell Traven: You haven't got the brain power to understand this, and I haven't got the time. Show's over.
[He starts to walk out, leaving Vincent stunned and heartbroken. Julius seizes him by the coat]
Julius Benedict: Hey! Dickhead... tell us where our mother is.
Mitchell Traven: Ah... Whispering Pines. It's an artists' colony 200 miles north of Santa Fe.
Julius Benedict: If you're lying to me...
[Traven holds up his hands and shakes his head]
Julius Benedict: I'll be back.
Vincent Benedict: Women love men who are mysterious and devious. It keeps them on their toes. It excites them. You know what I mean?
Julius Benedict: No.
Vincent Benedict: You do like women?
Julius Benedict: Oh, very much so. They're strange and sensitive. They have compassion. I have the highest respect for women.
Vincent Benedict: [turns around] You're a virgin!
Julius Benedict: That's private.
Vincent Benedict: [to himself] A 230-pound virgin.
Linda Mason: [Linda sees Vince on the street and is thrilled to see him] Vince!
Marnie Mason: I thought you broke up with him!
Linda Mason: I did, I did.
Julius Benedict: Why are you being so immature about all this?
Vincent Benedict: Look, Julius. Do you know how many times I've heard stories like this? It's every orphan's fantasy. My real mom and dad were rich, and beautiful. But... there was a mix-up at the hospital. And I got switched with another baby. But one day, there's gonna be a knock at the door. And there they'll be, with open arms, crying, "My darling. My treasure. We didn't know. How can we make it up to you?" Let me tell you something for your own good Julius. It a CROCK!
Vincent Benedict: [Answering the phone] Hello!
Burt Klane: Hey Vince, we haven't forgotten about you. You better have our money tomorrow morning, or else.
Vincent Benedict: Or else WHAT, you blimp!
[Vince hides as Burt comes into the restaurant]
Linda Mason: Hi!
Burt Klane: Hi.
Linda Mason: Can I help you?
Burt Klane: Uh, yeah... where's the little shit?
Linda Mason: Uh, you'll have to be more specific.
Burt Klane: Benedict.
Linda Mason: Oh, he wouldn't come in here! Isn't that right, Marnie?
Marnie Mason: Who, Vincent?
[wipes down a table, dumping scraps on Vincent's head]
Marnie Mason: That weasel? That creep? I wouldn't serve him if he crawled in here on his hands and knees.
[Vincent scrambles out on his hands and knees]
[after their visit to Los Alamos]
Vincent Benedict: My life just got flushed down the toilet.
Julius Benedict: No, Vincent.
Vincent Benedict: I'm genetic garbage.
Julius Benedict: We're twins. We're basically the same.
Vincent Benedict: Look, Julius, I don't know if you've noticed yet, but we don't look the same, we don't talk the same, and we don't dress the same!
Julius Benedict: I know.
Vincent Benedict: So if we're so alike, how come we're so goddamn different?
Julius Benedict: We had six fathers. We're many parts of a lot of different people.
Vincent Benedict: Yeah?
Julius Benedict: And don't forget, I was taken to a beautiful island, I was cared for, educated, looked after. You had nobody, Vincent. No one to love you, teach you, or encourage you. You see, Vincent, you're the missing part of my life. And I'm the missing part of your life. And when we find Mama, we can be the missing part of her life. We won't be alone anymore. We can be a family.
Vincent Benedict: A family?
Julius Benedict: Yes.
Vincent Benedict: You mean, like, with a Christmas tree... and Thanksgiving dinner?
Julius Benedict: And a real home, where you'll always be welcome.
Vincent Benedict: Always?
Julius Benedict: [smiles] Even when you've been bad.
[Vincent laughs, and tearfully hugs Julius]
[Traven reads a newspaper story about the twins, then lowers it to see Mary Ann standing there, glaring at him]
Mitchell Traven: Mary Ann? What a pleasant surprise...
[he starts to rise from his couch]
Mary Ann Benedict: You stole my family... you *lying son of a bitch*!
[She yanks him upright by his tie, then decks him with her fist]
Julius Benedict: Thank you for the cookies. I look forward to tossing them.
Vincent Benedict: [impressed with Julius's fighting abilities] You could be a boxer or something. I could be your manager.
Julius Benedict: No, I could never fight for money.
Vincent Benedict: Well that's fine. You fight, I'll keep the money.
Julius Benedict: Actually, I hate violence.
Vincent Benedict: But you're so good at it!
Vincent Benedict: Through the lips, over the gums...
Julius Benedict: Look out stomach! Here it comes!
Burt Klane: [knocking at the door] Open up, Vince. Come on, we know you're in there, we just wanna talk to you.
Bob Klane: [Klane Brothers come bursting in] Howdy!
Burt Klane: [to Webster] Who are you?
Webster: That's not really important, is it? I was just feeding the cat and then I was gonna leave.
Burt Klane: [Firmly] I asked you a question.
Webster: Well who are you?
Bob Klane: We're the Klane Brothers. That's Burt, this is Morris, and I'm Bob.
Webster: Interesting gene pool.
Burt Klane: Don't cast aspersions of my family.
Webster: Oh I beg your pardon, but you're looking for Vince Benedict, right?
Burt Klane: Right.
Webster: My Vince Benedict?
[Burt and Morris look at one another]
Webster: So what difference does it make who I am?
Mitchell Traven: Well, Vincent. You turned out just like I thought you would. What'd you do, escape from prison?
Vincent Benedict: How'd you know my name?
Mitchell Traven: I named you.
[in Granger's study]
Granger: Mary Anne Benedict. Boy, I haven't said that name for over 30 years. Your mother was an amazing woman. Sometimes I wondered what would have happened if I'd married her.
Julius Benedict: Why didn't you?
Granger: Well, I asked her to, but she turned me down. Said she was afraid to have any more children. You see, they told her you had died at birth.
Julius Benedict: Who told her we died?
Granger: [points to the group photo] Mitchell Traven, the guy with the clipboard. He supervised the experiment for the government. He still runs the genetics lab at Los Alamos, New Mexico.
Julius Benedict: I'll have to pay him a visit.
Granger: Watch out for him. He's kind of a dickhead, if you know what I mean.
Julius Benedict: "Dickhead"? No, I don't... but I'm learning.
Vincent Benedict: Well, that's it. The last check is written. What do we have left out of the $50,000 reward?
Julius Benedict: Well, after we've paid off all our debts, we have exactly $12,278.
Vincent Benedict: $12,278... that's terrible.
Julius Benedict: What?
Vincent Benedict: That is terrible.
Julius Benedict: Oh, you're just upset because I made you return that suitcase.
Vincent Benedict: Oh, the money... you mean the $4 million. $4 million, just say it. I mean, just say it, "four *million* dollars." That's a lot of money Jules.
Julius Benedict: [seriously] Vincent, I'm very proud of you.
Vincent Benedict: [exhales] Well... yeah, I'm kind of proud of myself.
Julius Benedict: Now, isn't it great to be one of the good guys for a change?
Vincent Benedict: [laughs] It feels *great* to be a good guy!
[over dinner in a bar]
Julius Benedict: Did you know that they had beer in ancient Egypt?
Linda Mason: No.
Julius Benedict: Actually it was invented by the Assyrians, but the Egyptians were the first people to perfect the malt fermentation process.
Linda Mason: You know a lot about beer.
Marnie Mason: He knows a lot about everything.
Julius Benedict: It's all from books.
[raises his bottle]
Julius Benedict: Until tonight, I never had a beer. It's all theory and no practice. Ah, that's the story of my life.
Linda Mason: Aw...
Vincent Benedict: Well, we're gonna change all that... aren't we, Marnie?
[Vince's neighbor comes over to Linda]
Female Neighbor: Excuse me? Excuse me. Never sleep with that man, never loan him money, and never believe a word he tells you. That's free advice.
Vincent Benedict: Morning, Agnes.
Vincent Benedict: I got another six hours to pay the money back and tell the Klane brothers that harassing a man who's already in the slammer is beneath even them.
Vincent Benedict: Whoa, where you going with my desk?
Mover #1: Takin' back this furniture, man.
Mover #2: You're six months behind.
Vincent Benedict: You're behind! Six months behind. That's the problem. There's no trust in the world anymore.
Webster: [On Vince's trail, Webster has come to his house, and finds it empty, save for Julius, the cat] Well what have we here? What a cute little kitty! So, where's Daddy?
Webster: [Picking up the cat, he finds the information Vince wrote down in the trash basket. He holds it up to read it] Well, well, well. Thank you very much...
Vincent Benedict: The Klane boys. What an unpleasant surprise.
Burt Klane: Vince, this has gone way beyond a case of simple loan delinquency.
Bob Klane: We don't like bein' shot.
Vincent Benedict: Shot? Who shot ya?
Julius Benedict: What do you want?
Burt Klane: We want to take Vince out to the parking lot and kill him.
Vincent Benedict: Don't you think that's a little drastic?
Julius Benedict: I'm really worried about you, Vincent. How much money do you owe? Now don't lie to me. We're twins. I can feel your pain.
Vincent Benedict: Why do you keep saying that? We're not twins, were not brothers, we're nothing.
Julius Benedict: Twenty thousand?
Vincent Benedict: Due this morning.
[gets in the car]
Vincent Benedict: [calling him to get in] Come on!
Julius Benedict: Now don't worry about anything, Vincent. As long as I'm with you, I won't let anyone harm you. Okay?
Miss Busby: [on the phone] Yes, this is the Benedict Corporation. We are a consulting firm. A think-tank. Something like the Rand Corporation...
Vincent Benedict: [yells across the office] Only smarter!
Miss Busby: Only smarter.
Julius Benedict: [arriving at Granger's mansion] I'm terribly sorry to disturb your party and I realize this might sound strange, but I'm looking for someone who lived here a long time ago.
[Julius hands him his group photo of his mother, six fathers, Traven, and Werner]
Julius Benedict: Mary Anne Benedict. She was my mother.
Granger: [looks up, surprised] You're Mary Anne's son?
Granger Granddaughter: [looking at the photo] That looks just like you, Grandpa.
Granger: Why don't you go help your grandma with lunch, honey?
Julius Benedict: No. Well... yes, I suppose, one of them...
Granger: [hugs him] Dad! Dad! One of my fathers!
Mary Ann Benedict: Good. Tickets.
Linda Mason: Thanks, this is gonna be great.
Mary Ann Benedict: [as they turn to look at Julius and Vincent] I just can't get over how alike they are.
Vincent Benedict: Oh yes, it's a beautiful day.
[Julius and Vincent yawn in unison, and the camera pans down to show each of them pushing a stroller with twin children in them]
Morris Klane: [after being told by Julius that he is Vincent's twin brother] You're fire wood!
[Morris smashes a fire axe out of its container]
Vincent Benedict: [alarmed] Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe!
[Morris swings the axe at Julius who dodges the swing]
Julius Benedict: [calmly] You have no respect for logic.
Vincent Benedict: But he's got an axe!
[with an enraged yell, Morris charges at Julius. Julius dodges out of the way and Morris swings the axe into the wall. Julius grabs him by the lapels of his jacket and hoists him up into the air]
Julius Benedict: And I don't respect to those who have no respect for logic.