Mayor: Drebin, I don't want anymore trouble like you had last year on the South Side. Understand? That's my policy.
Frank: Yes. Well, when I see 5 weirdos dressed in togas stabbing a guy in the middle of the park in full view of 100 people, I shoot the bastards. That's *my* policy.
Mayor: That was a Shakespeare-In-The-Park production of "Julius Caesar", you moron! You killed 5 actors! Good ones.
Frank: Wilma, I promise you; whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest one minute until he's behind bars. Now, let's grab a bite to eat.
[Jane climbs a ladder]
Frank: Nice beaver!
Jane: [producing a stuffed beaver] Thank you. I just had it stuffed.
Frank: Just think; next time I shoot someone, I could be arrested.
Frank: Jane, since I've met you, I've noticed things that I never knew were there before... birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights.
[Frank Drebin is emptying out his files after being kicked off the force]
Frank: Hey! The missing evidence in the Kelner case! My God, he really was innocent!
Ed: He went to the chair two years ago, Frank.
Frank: Well, uh...
[Frank Drebin quickly shoves the evidence back into the file cabinet]
Frank: It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.
Frank: No, the worst.
[Drebin searches a drawer]
[pulls out a bingo card]
Frank: Yeah, I'm Drebin!
Thug: I have a message for ya from Vincent Ludwig!
[fires his gun at Frank]
Thug: Take that, you lousy cop!
Frank: I'm sorry! I can't hear ya! Don't fire the gun while you're talking!
Jane: I've heard police work is dangerous.
Frank: It is. That's why I carry a big gun.
Jane: Aren't you afraid it might go off accidentally?
Frank: I used to have that problem.
Jane: What did you do about it?
Frank: I just think about baseball.
Truck Driver: [shouts] Ya dumb broad!
Driving instructor: All right, Stephanie, gently extend your arm. Extend your middle finger. Very good. Well done.
Frank: It's true what they say: Cops and women don't mix. It's like eating a spoonful of Drano; sure, it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside.
[Nordberg is being visited in the hospital by his wife, Wilma, along with Frank and Ed, after Nordberg had barely survived a massive gunfire by a group of ruffians. Wilma is taking the unfortunate circumstance pretty hard, and with no help from Frank's blunt assumptions and remarks about the situation]
Mrs. Nordberg: Oh, my poor Nordberg! He was such a good man, Frank. He never wanted to hurt anyone. Who would do such a thing?
Ed: It's hard to tell.
Frank: [being blunt] A roving gang of thugs, a blackmailer, an angry husband, a gay lover...
Ed: Frank, get a hold of yourself!
Frank: A good cop, needlessly cut down and ambushed by some cowardly hoodlum.
Ed: That's no way for a man to die.
Frank: [being blunt] Ah, you're right, Ed. A parachute not opening... that's a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine... having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that's the way I wanna go!
Mrs. Nordberg: [Wilma sobs again] Oh... Frank! Oh, this is terrible!
Ed: Don't you worry, Wilma. Your husband is going to be all right. Don't you worry about anything. Just think positive. Never let a doubt enter your mind.
Frank: [being blunt] He's right, Wilma. But I wouldn't wait until the last minute to fill out those organ donor cards.
[Wilma sobs again]
Ed: What I'm trying to say is that, Wilma, as soon as Nordberg is better, he's welcome back at Police Squad.
Frank: [being blunt] Unless he's a drooling vegetable. But I think that's only common sense.
[Wilma sobs again]
[Frank is interrogating Nordberg about the source of his incident, while Nordberg is only partly conscious from anesthesia, which Frank is incompetently unaware of]
Frank: Nordberg, it's me, Frank. Now, who did this to you?
Det. Nordberg: [Struggling to tell the name of the ship he was attacked on] I... Love... You.
Frank: [Awkwardly] I... love you, too, Nordberg. Who were they?
Det. Nordberg: [half-consciously] Ship... boat.
Frank: That's right, Nordberg. A boat. Now, when you're better, we'll go sailing together on a boat. We'll take a cruise just like last year.
Det. Nordberg: [half-consciously] No... Drugs...
Frank: Hey, Nurse! Quick! Give this man some drugs! Quick! Can't you see he's in pain? Give him a shot quickly!
[nurse administers drugs]
Det. Nordberg: No... no...
[pulls Frank towards him]
Det. Nordberg: [half-consciously] Heroin... Heroin, Frank!
Frank: Uh, Nordberg... that's a pretty tall order. You're gonna have to give me a couple of days on that one.
Ed: Doctors say that Nordberg has a 50/50 chance of living, though there's only a 10 percent chance of that.
[Frank recalls a prior love]
Frank: I'd known her for years. We used to go to all the police functions together. Ah, how I loved her, but she had her music. I think she had her music. She'd hang out with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony. I don't recall her playing an instrument or being able to carry a tune. Yet she was on the road 300 days of the year. In fact, I bought her a harp for Christmas. She asked me what it was.
Frank: Interesting... almost as interesting as the photographs I saw today.
Jane: I was young! I needed the work!
[Frank Drebin walks through town]
Frank: [narrating] The attempt on Nordberg's life left me shaken and disturbed, and all the questions kept coming up over and over again, like bubbles in a case of club soda. Who was this character in the hospital? And why was he trying to kill Nordberg? And for whom? Did Ludwig lie to me? I didn't have any proof, but somehow, I didn't entirely trust him either. Why was the 'I Luv You' not listed in Ludwig's records? And if it was, did he know about it? And if he didn't, who did? And where the hell was I?
Frank: [sings] Oh say can you see / By the dawn's early light / What so proudly we hail / In the twilight's last gleaming? / Whose bright stripes and broad stars / In the perilous night / For the ramparts we watched / uh, da-da-da-da-da-daaaa. / And the rocket's red glare / Lots of bombs in the air / Gave proof to the night / That we still had our flag. / Oh say does that flag banner wave / Over a-a-all that's free / And the home of the land / And the land of the - FREE!
Ludwig: So they were able to get him to the hospital in time?
Frank: Yes, he's in the intensive care ward at Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle.
Ed: [after Ludwig has been shot with a cuff link dart, fallen off a building, run over by a bus, flattened by a steam roller, and trampled by a marching band] Oh, Frank! It's horrible. That's so horrible!
Frank: [comforts Ed] I know, Ed.
Ed: My father went the same way.
Frank: I'm telling ya, the answer's up there in Ludwig's office. Call it what you will. A hunch, woman's intuition. That guy Ludwig knows a lot more than he's telling us.
Ed: A hunch won't stand up in court, Frank. Where are your hard facts?
Frank: Look. He's the only one outside of ourselves who knew that Nordberg was still alive. Next thing we know, some thug tries to knock Nordberg off in the hospital.
Ed: That may be, but breaking into Ludwig's office, you're takin' a big chance.
Frank: I know. You take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street, or sticking your face in a fan.
Frank: Protecting the Queen's safety is a task that is gladly accepted by Police Squad. No matter how silly the idea of having a queen might be to us, as Americans, we must be gracious and considerate hosts.
Jane: I wanted you to know, now, I've loved you since the first day I met you, and I'll never stop. I'm a very lucky woman.
Frank: So am I...
Ed: [regarding the Press] Frank, they're not here for you. "Weird Al" Yankovic is on the plane.
Man in Stadium Crowd: Hey Look! It's Enrico Pallazzo!
[while Jane is erotically sucking his finger]
Frank: I've got nine more.
Nurse #2: Mrs. Nordberg, I think we can save your husband's arm. Where would you like it sent?
[Frank Drebin is angrily breaking up with Jane Spencer]
Frank: Oh, and one more thing... I faked every orgasm!
Jane: [heartbroken] Oh, Funny Face!
Frank: It's a topsy-turvy world, and maybe the problems of two people don't amount to a hill of beans. But this is our hill. And these are our beans!
[in the midst of a fight in a Conference room, Frank wipes off Mikhail Gorbachev's birthmark. Frank looks at us]
Frank: I knew it!
[Frank throws Gorbachev through a wall]
Mayor Barkley: [reading Frank's charges] Entering without a search warrant, destroying property, arson; sexual assault with a concrete dildo?
Mayor Barkley: What the hell were you doing there in the first place?
Frank: It's fourth and fifteen and you're looking at a full-court press.
Frank: I've finally found someone I can love - a good, clean love... without utensils.
Jane: How could you do something so vicious?
Vincent Ludwig: It was easy my dear. You forget, I spent two years as a building contractor.
Jane: I was only doing what I was told to do.
Frank: Like make love to me?
Jane: [gasps] FRANK!
[slaps him across the face]
Vincent Ludwig: Tell me, Mr. Papshmir, in all the world, who is the most effective assassin?
Papshmir: Well, I would think ANYONE who manages to conceal his identity as an assassin.
Vincent Ludwig: Yes, but there is even a more ideal assassin - one who doesn't KNOW he's an assassin.
[Frank knocks on the door of Enrico Pallazzo's room. Enrico opened the door]
Enrico Pallazzo: Yes?
Frank: Mr. Pallazzo?
Enrico Pallazzo: Si?
Frank: I'm the head usher.
Enrico Pallazzo: Ah!
Frank: I'm here to tell you... Excuse me.
[Enrico turns around and Frank struck his back]
Enrico Pallazzo: Uggh!
[Frank temporarily knocks out Enrico and closes the door as he takes Enrico into the room. Then, the stadium head usher arrives and knocks on the door where Frank took Enrico into]
Stadium Head Usher: Mr. Pallazzo?
Frank: [opens the door] Yes?
Stadium Head Usher: I'm the head usher.
Frank: One second.
Frank Drebin: [22:10] Her hair was a color of gold in an oil painting. She had a full set of curves and the kind of legs you'd like to suck on for a day. She was giving me a look I could feel in my hip pocket. Yep, this was starting to get interesting.
[Frank grabs a baseball bat and gets one of the umpire's attention]
Frank: Oh, excuse me. Could you tell me... is this an official bat?
[Frank strikes the umpire's head with the bat knocking him out]
[Frank has beaten a horde of America's most-feared world leaders in a conference room and heads for a door]
Muammar al-Qaddafi: Hey, who are you?
Frank: I'm Lt. Frank Drebin! Police Squad! And don't ever let me catch you guys in America!
[the door hits Frank in the face and he loses his balance]
Driving instructor: It's okay. Normally you would not be going sixty-five down the wrong way of a one-way street.
[a large semi truck appears speeding out of a tunnel towards the car. Stephanie screams, even Frank is terrified, but the unflappable driving instructor continues to remain perfectly calm]
Driving instructor: [continues to talk in a calm, casual tone] Apply the brake.
[Stephanie slams her foot on the brake]
Driving instructor: Now, put it in reverse...
[Stephanie slams her foot on the gas pedal speeding in reverse away from the truck now only inches from the car. The driving instructor continues to remain perfectly calm]
Frank: Alright, is anyone else here seeing his wife?
Ed: That's alright, Frank... that's okay, let's get in the hall.