Mayor: Drebin, I don't want anymore trouble like you had last year on the South Side. Understand? That's my policy.
Frank: Yes. Well, when I see 5 weirdos dressed in togas stabbing a guy in the middle of the park in full view of 100 people, I shoot the bastards. That's *my* policy.
Mayor: That was a Shakespeare-In-The-Park production of "Julius Caesar", you moron! You killed 5 actors! Good ones.
Frank: Wilma, I promise you; whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest one minute until he's behind bars. Now, let's grab a bite to eat.
[Jane climbs a ladder]
Frank: Nice beaver!
Jane: [producing a stuffed beaver] Thank you. I just had it stuffed.
Frank: Just think; next time I shoot someone, I could be arrested.
Frank: Jane, since I've met you, I've noticed things that I never knew were there before... birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights.
[Frank Drebin is emptying out his files after being kicked off the force]
Frank: Hey! The missing evidence in the Kelner case! My God, he really was innocent!
Ed: He went to the chair two years ago, Frank.
Frank: Well, uh...
[Frank Drebin quickly shoves the evidence back into the file cabinet]
Frank: It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.
Frank: No, the worst.
Frank: Yeah, I'm Drebin!
Thug: I have a message for ya from Vincent Ludwig!
[fires his gun at Frank]
Thug: Take that, you lousy cop!
Frank: I'm sorry! I can't hear ya! Don't fire the gun while you're talking!
Jane: I've heard police work is dangerous.
Frank: It is. That's why I carry a big gun.
Jane: Aren't you afraid it might go off accidentally?
Frank: I used to have that problem.
Jane: What did you do about it?
Frank: I just think about baseball.
[Frank is interrogating Nordberg about the source of his incident, while Nordberg is only partly conscious from anesthesia, which Frank is incompetently unaware of]
Frank: Nordberg, it's me, Frank. Now, who did this to you?
Det. Nordberg: [Struggling to tell the name of the ship he was attacked on] I... Love... You.
Frank: [Awkwardly] I... love you, too, Nordberg. Who were they?
Det. Nordberg: [half-consciously] Ship... boat.
Frank: That's right, Nordberg. A boat. Now, when you're better, we'll go sailing together on a boat. We'll take a cruise just like last year.
Det. Nordberg: [half-consciously] No... Drugs...
Frank: Hey, Nurse! Quick! Give this man some drugs! Quick! Can't you see he's in pain? Give him a shot quickly!
[nurse administers drugs]
Det. Nordberg: No... no...
[pulls Frank towards him]
Det. Nordberg: [half-consciously] Heroin... Heroin, Frank!
Frank: Uh, Nordberg... that's a pretty tall order. You're gonna have to give me a couple of days on that one.
Frank: It's true what they say: Cops and women don't mix. It's like eating a spoonful of Drano; sure, it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside.
Truck Driver: [shouts] Ya dumb broad!
Driving instructor: All right, Stephanie, gently extend your arm. Extend your middle finger. Very good. Well done.
[Nordberg is being visited in the hospital by his wife, Wilma, along with Frank and Ed, after Nordberg had barely survived a massive gunfire by a group of ruffians. Wilma is taking the unfortunate circumstance pretty hard, and with no help from Frank's blunt assumptions and remarks about the situation]
Mrs. Nordberg: Oh, my poor Nordberg! He was such a good man, Frank. He never wanted to hurt anyone. Who would do such a thing?
Ed: It's hard to tell.
Frank: [being blunt] A roving gang of thugs, a blackmailer, an angry husband, a gay lover...
Ed: Frank, get a hold of yourself!
Frank: A good cop, needlessly cut down and ambushed by some cowardly hoodlum.
Ed: That's no way for a man to die.
Frank: [being blunt] Ah, you're right, Ed. A parachute not opening... that's a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine... having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that's the way I wanna go!
Mrs. Nordberg: [Wilma sobs again] Oh... Frank! Oh, this is terrible!
Ed: Don't you worry, Wilma. Your husband is going to be all right. Don't you worry about anything. Just think positive. Never let a doubt enter your mind.
Frank: [being blunt] He's right, Wilma. But I wouldn't wait until the last minute to fill out those organ donor cards.
[Wilma sobs again]
Ed: What I'm trying to say is that, Wilma, as soon as Nordberg is better, he's welcome back at Police Squad.
Frank: [being blunt] Unless he's a drooling vegetable. But I think that's only common sense.
[Wilma sobs again]
[Drebin searches a drawer]
[pulls out a bingo card]
Ed: Doctors say that Nordberg has a 50/50 chance of living, though there's only a 10 percent chance of that.
[Frank recalls a prior love]
Frank: I'd known her for years. We used to go to all the police functions together. Ah, how I loved her, but she had her music. I think she had her music. She'd hang out with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony. I don't recall her playing an instrument or being able to carry a tune. Yet she was on the road 300 days of the year. In fact, I bought her a harp for Christmas. She asked me what it was.
Ludwig: So they were able to get him to the hospital in time?
Frank: Yes, he's in the intensive care ward at Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle.
Frank: Interesting... almost as interesting as the photographs I saw today.
Jane: I was young! I needed the work!
[Frank Drebin walks through town]
Frank: [narrating] The attempt on Nordberg's life left me shaken and disturbed, and all the questions kept coming up over and over again, like bubbles in a case of club soda. Who was this character in the hospital? And why was he trying to kill Nordberg? And for whom? Did Ludwig lie to me? I didn't have any proof, but somehow, I didn't entirely trust him either. Why was the 'I Luv You' not listed in Ludwig's records? And if it was, did he know about it? And if he didn't, who did? And where the hell was I?
Ed: [after Ludwig has been shot with a cuff link dart, fallen off a building, run over by a bus, flattened by a steam roller, and trampled by a marching band] Oh, Frank! It's horrible. That's so horrible!
Frank: [comforts Ed] I know, Ed.
Ed: My father went the same way.
Frank: [sings] Oh say can you see / By the dawn's early light / What so proudly we hail / In the twilight's last gleaming? / Whose bright stripes and broad stars / In the perilous night / For the ramparts we watched / uh, da-da-da-da-da-daaaa. / And the rocket's red glare / Lots of bombs in the air / Gave proof to the night / That we still had our flag. / Oh say does that flag banner wave / Over a-a-all that's free / And the home of the land / And the land of the - FREE!
Frank: I'm telling ya, the answer's up there in Ludwig's office. Call it what you will. A hunch, woman's intuition. That guy Ludwig knows a lot more than he's telling us.
Ed: A hunch won't stand up in court, Frank. Where are your hard facts?
Frank: Look. He's the only one outside of ourselves who knew that Nordberg was still alive. Next thing we know, some thug tries to knock Nordberg off in the hospital.
Ed: That may be, but breaking into Ludwig's office, you're takin' a big chance.
Frank: I know. You take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street, or sticking your face in a fan.
[while Jane is erotically sucking his finger]
Frank: I've got nine more.
Frank: Protecting the Queen's safety is a task that is gladly accepted by Police Squad. No matter how silly the idea of having a queen might be to us, as Americans, we must be gracious and considerate hosts.
Ed: [regarding the Press] Frank, they're not here for you. "Weird Al" Yankovic is on the plane.
Jane: I wanted you to know, now, I've loved you since the first day I met you, and I'll never stop. I'm a very lucky woman.
Frank: So am I...
Man in Stadium Crowd: Hey Look! It's Enrico Pallazzo!
Frank: It's a topsy-turvy world, and maybe the problems of two people don't amount to a hill of beans. But this is our hill. And these are our beans!
Nurse #2: Mrs. Nordberg, I think we can save your husband's arm. Where would you like it sent?
[Frank Drebin is angrily breaking up with Jane Spencer]
Frank: Oh, and one more thing... I faked every orgasm!
Jane: [heartbroken] Oh, Funny Face!
Frank: It's fourth and fifteen and you're looking at a full-court press.
Frank: I've finally found someone I can love - a good, clean love... without utensils.
[in the midst of a fight in a Conference room, Frank wipes off Mikhail Gorbachev's birthmark. Frank looks at us]
Frank: I knew it!
[Frank throws Gorbachev through a wall]
Mayor Barkley: [reading Frank's charges] Entering without a search warrant, destroying property, arson; sexual assault with a concrete dildo?
Mayor Barkley: What the hell were you doing there in the first place?
Jane: How could you do something so vicious?
Vincent Ludwig: It was easy my dear. You forget, I spent two years as a building contractor.
Frank Drebin: [22:10] Her hair was a color of gold in an oil painting. She had a full set of curves and the kind of legs you'd like to suck on for a day. She was giving me a look I could feel in my hip pocket. Yep, this was starting to get interesting.
Jane: I was only doing what I was told to do.
Frank: Like make love to me?
Jane: [gasps] FRANK!
[slaps him across the face]
Vincent Ludwig: Tell me, Mr. Papshmir, in all the world, who is the most effective assassin?
Papshmir: Well, I would think ANYONE who manages to conceal his identity as an assassin.
Vincent Ludwig: Yes, but there is even a more ideal assassin - one who doesn't KNOW he's an assassin.
[Frank grabs a baseball bat and gets one of the umpire's attention]
Frank: Oh, excuse me. Could you tell me... is this an official bat?
[Frank strikes the umpire's head with the bat knocking him out]
[Frank has beaten a horde of America's most-feared world leaders in a conference room and heads for a door]
Muammar al-Qaddafi: Hey, who are you?
Frank: I'm Lt. Frank Drebin! Police Squad! And don't ever let me catch you guys in America!
[the door hits Frank in the face and he loses his balance]
[Frank knocks on the door of Enrico Pallazzo's room. Enrico opened the door]
Enrico Pallazzo: Yes?
Frank: Mr. Pallazzo?
Enrico Pallazzo: Si?
Frank: I'm the head usher.
Enrico Pallazzo: Ah!
Frank: I'm here to tell you... Excuse me.
[Enrico turns around and Frank struck his back]
Enrico Pallazzo: Uggh!
[Frank temporarily knocks out Enrico and closes the door as he takes Enrico into the room. Then, the stadium head usher arrives and knocks on the door where Frank took Enrico into]
Stadium Head Usher: Mr. Pallazzo?
Frank: [opens the door] Yes?
Stadium Head Usher: I'm the head usher.
Frank: One second.
Driving instructor: It's okay. Normally you would not be going sixty-five down the wrong way of a one-way street.
[a large semi truck appears speeding out of a tunnel towards the car. Stephanie screams, even Frank is terrified, but the unflappable driving instructor continues to remain perfectly calm]
Driving instructor: [continues to talk in a calm, casual tone] Apply the brake.
[Stephanie slams her foot on the brake]
Driving instructor: Now, put it in reverse...
[Stephanie slams her foot on the gas pedal speeding in reverse away from the truck now only inches from the car. The driving instructor continues to remain perfectly calm]
Ted Olsen: As you requested, Frank, we took some fiber samples from Nordberg's jacket. I'm afraid it doesn't look good.
Frank: What do you mean?
Ted Olsen: Take a look for yourself.
Frank: [looking into the microscope] I-I can't see anything.
Ed: Use your open eye, Frank.
Frank: Hi, Ed, Ted. You got those fiber samples?
Ted Olsen: Shh, shh, shh, we got some action out here.
Frank: What-what... what's happening?
Ted Olsen: We're testing that new anti-graffiti wall.
Ed: And it looks like we've got a few customers.
Ted Olsen: It's set to react when the spray hits the sensors.
[as the vandals spray-paint the wall, they get sprayed in return]
Frank: You've done it again. Mazel tov.
Ed: Good work, Ted. What will you lab boys think up next?
Ted Olsen: [leading them into another room] Now that you mention it, here's something we developed only yesterday. To the casual observer, an ordinary shoe. But in actuality...
[popping a knife blade out of the toe, a la "From Russia with Love"]
Ted Olsen: ...it makes quite a handy weapon.
[taking other various tools out]
Ted Olsen: And everything a cop in the field would need. We call it the Swiss Army shoe.
Frank: [after causing extensive havoc at Ludwig's office] We have reason to believe that Vincent Ludwig is involved in a plot to assassinate the Queen.
Mayor: That's ridiculous! Where is this evidence?
Frank: Well, it... burned in the fire.
Mayor: Gentlemen... Vincent Ludwig is one of the most respected members of this community, and if we're all very nice to him, he will agree not to press charges.
Jane: [going through the food in Frank's fridge] Wong Wu's? Are they back in business? I thought they closed down three years ago.
Frank: Oh, gee, has it been that long? I don't feel like Chinese tonight, anyway.
[opening the container and smelling the contents, his eyes cross and he passes out]
Jane: I overheard Ludwig after the banquet. You were right all along, Frank. Ludwig is planning to have someone assassinate the Queen!
Jane: At the baseball game. The Queen'll be there this afternoon as a guest of Ludwig. I'm supposed to be with them.
Ed: Are you telling us that Vincent Ludwig is going to just shoot the Queen in front of 60,000 fans?
Jane: No, he said a player's gonna do it, during the seventh-inning stretch.
Ed: [checking his watch] That game starts in 20 minutes.
Frank: I better get down there right away.
Jane: I'll go with you.
Frank: No, it's best you stay with Ludwig. That way, we won't arouse any suspicion.
Frank: I am not the kind of man who takes this kind of thing lightly. There's no room in my organization for any type of criminal activity. Look out there. A vast commercial development built by me. Do you have any idea what was out there just five years ago?
Frank: [Ludwig's fish bites his nose] YAHH!
Vincent Ludwig: You bet you do. Oranges groves, acres of them, as far as the eye could see. But now, of course, that land is able to generate ten times the amount of profit per square foot.
[turning and seeing his red nose]
Vincent Ludwig: Are you all right, Lieutenant?
Vincent Ludwig: Here, let me get you some Kleenex.
Frank: Lieutenant Drebin, Police Squad.
Foreman: Oh, I remember you, Drebin. What do you want?
Frank: I wanna ask you some questions.
[showing him a picture of Nordberg]
Frank: Are you familiar with that face?
Foreman: I don't know. My memory ain't so great.
Frank: Oh, yeah?
[offering a $20 bill]
Frank: Maybe this'll refresh your memory.
Foreman: I don't know. It's still kinda hazy.
Frank: [offering another] How about this?
Foreman: Yeah, I remember him. I used to see him around. Why do you wanna know?
Frank: I can't tell you that.
Foreman: [offering the $20 back] Yeah? Well, maybe this'll help.
Frank: I really don't think I should.
Foreman: [offering the second $20 back] Yeah, you still don't think so?
Frank: All right, his name is Nordberg. He's a cop.
Foreman: He was no cop. He was dealin' H.
Foreman: I'm tellin' you, he was dirty.
Frank: [grabbing him] Oh, you sniveling scum, I oughta run you in right now.
Foreman: All right, all right, he worked at Ludwig Shipping. He tried to push something on one of my boys, I swear. So what're you gonna do about it, copper?
Frank: Why should I tell you?
Foreman: [offering $20 again] Maybe this'll help.
Frank: I still don't think I should tell you.
Foreman: Can you spot me a 20?
[Frank gives him the bill back, which he, in turn, offers back]
Foreman: How about now?
Ed: It's disgusting the way they splash this stuff all over the newspapers. What is journalism coming to? You're laying on top of the Queen with her legs wrapped around you and they call that news. They can't kick you off the force, Frank. It's just not fair!
Ed: Welcome home, Frank. Good work in Beirut. We all heard what you did.
Frank: Thank you, Ed. I just want to know one thing. Is it true what you wrote me about Victoria?
Ed: I'm afraid so, Frank. She just ran off with some guy. They got married last week.
Frank: Well, then it's over. It's all over. All of this is meaningless. I did it for her. I did everything for her. And now she's gone.
[happening to approach a podium set up with press microphones]
Frank: And you, you came down here to get the hot story, didn't you? Pictures of me to sell your lousy newspapers.
Ed: Uh, Frank...
Frank: Sure, you think I'm a big hero, the man of the hour. Well, do any of you understand how a man can hurt inside?
Vincent Ludwig: [holding Jane at gunpoint] You ruined my life, Drebin. Now I'm going to ruin yours.
Frank: Leave the girl alone.
Vincent Ludwig: I am. I'm going to kill you.
Frank: I see. Well...
[grabbing an innocent bystander]
Frank: Two can play at that game.
Vincent Ludwig: This is a rare samurai pen, a gift from Emperor Hirohito. Unbreakable.
Vincent Ludwig: Impervious to everything but water. Its value is... beyond estimation.
Frank: That's fascinating.
Vincent Ludwig: Hmm. But I'm sure you didn't pay me this visit to hear a lecture on fine art, Lieutenant. To what do I owe the honor?
Frank: [continuing to play with the pen] I'm investigating the attempted murder of one of your dockworkers.
[accidentally breaking it and sending one end into Ludwig's fish tank]
Frank: A man named Nordberg, uh, a police officer.
Vincent Ludwig: [alarmed, but maintaining his composure] He's still alive, then?
Frank: [trying to retrieve the pen from the fish tank] Uh, he was shot six times. Fortunately, the bullets missed every vital organ, and the salt water preserved him until he was found.
Ed: Wilma, can you think of any reason that Nordberg was at the waterfront last night?
Mrs. Nordberg: No. But I found this at home, in a drawer.
Ed: [taking what she gives him] A photograph. "I Luv You," out of Caracas.
[showing the picture to Frank]
Ed: A Panamanian ship. Frank, when Nordberg said "I love you," he was telling you the name of the ship.
Frank: I realize that... now.
Mrs. Nordberg: [Nordberg is in the hospital] Oh, Frank, I'm so glad you came.
Frank: Wilma, it's good to see you. I came as soon as I heard.
Mrs. Nordberg: Oh, thank you, Frank.
Frank: You bet. Where's Nordberg?
Ed: [indicating the bed] Uh, he's right here, Frank.
Frank: [narrating] Ed and I drove down to the docks where Nordberg had been found floating face-down in the water.
[parking his car, he accidentally knocks a fisherman into the water]
Frank: In a case where there are no leads, you have to start somewhere, and that somewhere was the harbor area.
Jane: Vincent Ludwig and I, there was never anything between us. He likes East German men.
Frank: And what about you?
Jane: I like cops.
Ted Olsen: [testing fibers from Nordberg's jacket] At first glance, it would appear to be only the normal cotton fibers. But when we focused in closer, we discovered fine white powder. We tested it; pure heroin.
Ed: How well do you know Nordberg, Frank?
Frank: We were partners for nine years, and he's my best friend.
Ed: I know, Frank, but we can't allow personal feelings to get in the way of duty.
Frank: Are you saying that Nordberg is a...
Ed: I'm telling you that the Queen arrives here the day after tomorrow. If the press should pick this up with Nordberg still part of the force, it could be embarrassing to the police and the city. I'm sorry, Frank. I'm giving you 24 hours to clear Nordberg.
Frank: Alright, is anyone else here seeing his wife?
Ed: That's alright, Frank... that's okay, let's get in the hall.