- Wanda: [after Otto breaks in on Wanda and Archie in Archie's flat and hangs him out the window] I was dealing with something delicate, Otto. I'm setting up a guy who's incredibly important to us, who's going to tell me where the loot is and if they're going to come and arrest you. And you come loping in like Rambo without a jockstrap and you dangle him out a fifth-floor window. Now, was that smart? Was it shrewd? Was it good tactics? Or was it stupid?
- Otto West: Don't call me stupid.
- Wanda: Oh, right! To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I've known sheep that could outwit you. I've worn dresses with higher IQs. But you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape?
- Otto West: Apes don't read philosophy.
- Wanda: Yes they do, Otto. They just don't understand it. Now let me correct you on a couple of things, OK? Aristotle was not Belgian. The central message of Buddhism is not "Every man for himself." And the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked them up.
- [Otto dangles Archie out a window]
- Archie: All right, all right, I apologise.
- Otto: You're really sorry.
- Archie: I'm really really sorry, I apologise unreservedly.
- Otto: You take it back.
- Archie: I do, I offer a complete and utter retraction. The imputation was totally without basis in fact, and was in no way fair comment, and was motivated purely by malice, and I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused you, or your family, and I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future.
- Otto: OK.
- Otto: Don't call me stupid.
- Wendy: Why on earth not?
- Otto: Oh, you English are *so* superior, aren't you? Well, would you like to know what you'd be without us, the good ol' U.S. of A. to protect you? I'll tell you. The smallest fucking province in the Russian Empire, that's what! So don't call me stupid, lady. Just thank me.
- Wendy: Well, *thank* you for popping in and protecting us.
- Otto: If it wasn't for us, you'd all be speaking *German!* Singing "Deutschland, Deutschland über alles..."
- Otto: You know your problem? You don't like winners.
- Archie: Winners?
- Otto: Yeah. Winners.
- Archie: Winners, like North Vietnam?
- Otto: Shut up. We didn't lose Vietnam. It was a tie!
- Archie: [going into a cowboy-like drawl] I'm tellin' ya baby, they kicked your little ass there. Boy, they whooped yer hide REAL GOOD.
- Otto: I love watching your ass when you walk. Is that beautiful or what? Don't go near him, he's mine.
- Archie: You make me feel free.
- Wanda: Free?
- Archie: Wanda, do you have any idea what it's like being English? Being so correct all the time, being so stifled by this dread of, of doing the wrong thing, of saying to someone "Are you married?" and hearing "My wife left me this morning," or saying, uh, "Do you have children?" and being told they all burned to death on Wednesday. You see, Wanda, we'll all terrified of embarrassment. That's why we're so... dead. Most of my friends are dead, you know, we have these piles of corpses to dinner. But you're alive, God bless you, and I want to be, I'm so fed up with all this. I want to make love with you, Wanda. I'm a good lover - at least, used to be, back in the early 14th century. Can we go to bed?
- Wanda: Yeah.
- Wanda: What about my tits?
- Otto: Does he get to handle them?
- Wanda: Yes, he does. That's my forecast and I'll stand by it.
- Otto: Would this also involve... nuzzling?
- Wanda: Yes, I think three million dollars is worth a bit of nuzzling. Fifty percent chance of that.
- Otto: Sucking?
- Wanda: I thought you weren't jealous?
- Otto: I'm not. I don't believe in jealousy, it's for the weak. One thing though. Touch his dick and he's dead!
- Otto: [puts a bag over Archie's head] Hello, Mr. Burglar! Going somewhere? Thought you could rob Mr. Leach, eh? Well, I'm going to teach you a lesson!
- [kicks him in the stomach]
- Otto: He just happens to be a very good friend of mine!
- Archie: Otto! Otto! Otto!
- Otto: [comes back with a long-handled pan] And he's going to be very pleased with me to find you here, all tied up and ready for the police!
- [knocks Archie out with a pan]
- Otto: And don't call me "Otto." To you, I am "Mr..."
- [stops, lifts bag, sees it's Archie, screams]
- Otto: Oh, my God... Oh... Oh my God. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- [pats Archie's face]
- Otto: Please, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't know it was you. How could I know it was you? I mean, how could you expect me to guess? Stupid jerk! I mean, what the fuck were you doing *robbing* your *own house?*
- [kicks Archie in the stomach]
- Otto: You asshole! You stupid, stiff, pompous, English...!
- [screams and recoils]
- Otto: I'm sorry! I'm sorry. Uh... uh... yeah.
- [runs]
- Otto West: Look, you obviously don't know anything about intelligence work, lady. It's an X-K-Red-27 technique.
- Wendy: My father was in the Secret Service, Mr. Manfredjinsinjin, and I know perfectly well that you don't keep the general public informed when you are "debriefing KGB defectors in a safe house."
- Otto: You're a very attractive man, Ken. You're... smart, you've got wonderful bones, great eyes, and you dress really interestingly.
- Ken: What you...?
- Otto: We could have a lot of fun together, you and I. And I think we'd be really good for each other. What do you say?
- Ken: You must be j-j-j...
- Otto: May I kiss you, Ken?
- [tries to kiss him]
- Ken: No, you fucking can't!
- [runs away]
- Wanda: Aristotle was not Belgian, the principle of Buddhism is not "every man for himself", and the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked them up.
- Otto: Ok... Ok... DISAPPOINTED. Son of a bitch. What do you have to do in this world to make people trust you?
- Wanda: Shut up.
- Otto: People are always taking advantage of me.
- Wanda: Shut up and think.
- [Otto pulls out a silenced pistol and fires two shots at the safe]
- Wanda: What are you doing?
- Otto: I'm thinking.
- Wanda: I looked at the clock... because I was saying to myself... It's five to seven, where could he be going with that sawed off shotgun?
- [after steamrollering Otto]
- Ken: "K-k-k-k-Ken." You bastard. Hey, I've lost my stutter. It's gone. I can speak. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
- [Ken drives at Otto with a steamroller. Otto laughs, until he realizes his feet are trapped in cement, and his gun is empty]
- Otto: Ken! Ken! Wait, wait, Ken! Kenny! I... may I call you Kenny?
- Ken: Remember Wanda!
- Otto: I got the deal of a lifetime! Fifty-fifty, you and me, what do you say! Okay, okay, okay, sixty-forty! That's my final offer!
- Ken: REVENGE!
- Otto: Wait, I got an idea! You take it all! Yeah, here's my boarding pass, Ken!
- Ken: I'm gonna, I'm gonna k-ka, kill you!
- Otto: Okay, fine, Ken! Come at me, give me your best shot! Go on, Ken! You don't have the guts, admit it!
- [the steamroller bears down on him]
- Otto: Okay, you have the guts, good... wait!
- Ken: Death!
- Otto: Okay, I'm-sorry-I-ate-your-fish, okay? I'm-sorry!
- Ken: Revenge!
- Otto: Jesus, I said I'm sorry! What the fu-?
- [He goes under the steamroller]
- Otto: AAAAHHHH!
- Ken: Got him!
- Otto: [to Ken about Mrs Coady] What does he want you to do? Send her flowers? Do her shopping? Show her a good time? Rub her out? Rub her out?
- Otto: [gleefully] HE'S GOING TO KILL HER! HA HA HA!
- Ken: Shut up!
- Otto: [shows his gun to a group of onlookers] Fuck off or I'll kill you. LIMEY FRUITS! So the old lady's gonna m-m- meet with an accident, eh K-K-Ken?
- Ken: Shh!
- [Otto laughs]
- Ken: What's - what's so funny?
- Otto: Nothing, it's just that wasting old ladies isn't NICE!
- Ken: [angrily] Well it's better than b-b-buggering people!
- Otto: I'll bet you a pound you don't kill her.
- Ken: Alright.
- Otto: Alright. I love watching your ass when you walk! Is that beautiful or what? Don't go near him! He's mine! A pound says you won't kill her! Ha ha!
- Title Card: [Epilogue: Archie and Wanda move to Rio, have 17 kids, and fund a leper colony. Ken becomes Master of Ceremonies at London Sea World. Otto emigrates to South Africa and becomes Minister of Justice]
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