- Ernest P. Worell: [quietly] Santa Claus.
- Mary Morrissey: What did you say?
- Ernest P. Worell: His name is Santa Claus!
- [children giggle]
- Ernest P. Worell: That's it. Yuck it up. He happens to be a close, personal friend of mine. Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah. Fifth graders think they know everything.
- Ernest P. Worell: [gesturing to Santa's sack] You better check it out.
- Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Why?
- Ernest P. Worell: Call it... Uh, a fifth sense. Call it a flash of intermission, but I just got this feeling deep down in the heart of my bottom.
- Harmony Star: There's no such thing! Think about it: a guy who flies around the whole world in one night. It just doesn't quite correspond to the laws of time and travel.
- Ernest P. Worell: Now, now, now, now, now, it's possible. You take the International Date Line, multiply it by the Time Zones, divided by the accelerated rotation of the earth... uh, carry the 1, and, uh, allowing for the Vernal Equinox on the Tropic of Cancer, he might just pull it off.
- Ernest P. Worell: Ahh, smell those Christmas trees. You can keep your 'Channel' Number 5, just give me a whiff of the old lonesome pine. That symbol of brotherly love, that centerpiece that all mankind gathers around to share the cranberry sauce shaped like a can.
- Animal Officer #1: [they have just discovered the particulars of Chuck's animal control problem] Oh... FLYING... reindeer. Um, that's not us. You want air traffic control.
- Animal Officer #2: Uh yeah, air traffic control.
- [they flee]
- Ernest P. Worell: [first lines; singing as he drives a taxi] Oh, Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, oh Chriiistmas tree.
- [repeats over and over... and over]
- Cab Passenger: Hey, could you hurry it up? I've got a flight to catch!
- Ernest P. Worell: [suspended in mid-air in Santa's sleigh which has run out of power] Nobody moves, nobody dies.
- [one of the elves sneezes and the sleigh drops]
- Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': I don't think I've quite got the magic for another trip.
- Businessman: That's how I feel every time they send me to Pittsburgh.
- Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': [after Ernest has just finished driving suicidally on the freeway and busted a window to rescue one] I take it you really needed a tree?
- Ernest P. Worell: Nah, I've already got one at home, but I've got a friend that I think could use one, besides it'd be a shame if the little guy didn't have a home for the holiday.
- Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': It's rare to meet someone with such Christmas spirit.
- Ernest P. Worell: You know, I don't want to insult you being we've just met and all, but you kind of remind me of somebody.
- Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Santa Claus?
- Ernest P. Worell: I guess you get that a lot, huh?
- Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Well it's to be expected.
- Ernest P. Worell: Because you look like him?
- Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Because I am him.
- Ernest P. Worell: Because you am him.
- [looks back confusedly]
- Businessman: [first lines, at the airport, a businessman meets Santa believing he's a regular person] First time in Orlando?
- Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Oh, no. I fly in once a year, though I usually come in a different way.
- Businessman: Where are you from?
- Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Oh, up north.
- Businessman: Me, too. Toronto. What line of work are you in?
- Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Toys, mostly.
- Businessman: No fooling. You been in there long?
- Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Longer than you can imagine.
- Ending Title Card: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
- Ending Title Card: KnoWhutImean?
- Ernest P. Worell: I mean, Vern, it's not like the cab company can't afford to give out a free ride. After all, it is Christmas; the time for chestnuts opening on a roasting fire.
- Harmony Star: Hey, Ernest, how did it go?
- Ernest P. Worell: It worked great. Victory is at hand. Now we have to move onto what I like to call "Plan B."
- Ernest P. Worell: You know, I don't tell many people this, but Christmas is just about my favorite time. Ever since I was a little kid, I always felt like it was my own personal holiday.
- Ernest P. Worell: No, there's only one person authorized to operate this sack. His big, red, oneness: The Claus.
- Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': This is Ernest. I'm Santa Claus.
- [odd silence]
- Ernest P. Worell: Surprised?
- Harmony Star: Uh, no. No, not - not really.
- Film Studio Gate Guard: [advances toward's Ernest's truck to see what is under the tarp in back] I'd better have a look.
- Ernest P. Worell: [disguised as a snake rancher, referring to the venomous "snakes" under the tarp] Careful, now... them be "pisin"!
- [lunges at the guard, who gasps and winces]
- Ernest P. Worell: "Pisin" snakes! One minute, you be a strappin' young man like yerself, an' the next...
- [imitates a snake's fangs with his fingers]
- Ernest P. Worell: SNAP!
- [swipes his "fangs" at the guard, who again gasps and winces]
- Ernest P. Worell: Yer dead meat!
- Ernest P. Worell: [disguised as a snake rancher, referring to the venomous snakes in the back of his truck] Ya want one fer yer boy? I gave one to my boy last year...
- [removes his hat]
- Ernest P. Worell: [singing] Rock of ages... a-cleft fer me... let me hide myself in thee... That's all these movie people want..."pisin"!
- Chuck: The 24th... That's Christmas Eve! Who in ther right minds would be working on Christmas Eve? I'll tell ya who? WE WHO, that's who? Christmas, Thanksgiving, the Super Bowl - Bobby, if it weren't for us, this airline would NEVER get off the ground!
- Bobby: [a heavy crate tips over, pinning Bobby beneath it] Ugh!
- Chuck: I guess if you want something done right, you got to do it yourself...
- [tips the crate to look down at Bobby]
- Chuck: Yo, Bob? Break's over!
- Bobby: [Chuck drops the crate and it crushes Bobby again] Oooof!
- Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Joe... search your heart. There must be something there to convince you of the truth.
- Joe Curruthers: In a way, I wish there was... but I haven't seen anything yet.
- Harmony Star: [to a boy telling his sister Santa isn't real] Where do you get off? Don't say that to her! There is too a Santa, and this is his magic sack!
- Lacy: If that's Santa's sack, why do you have it?
- Harmony Star: [returning Santa's stolen toy sack, crying] I'm sorry.
- Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Welcome back, Pamela.
- [hugs her]
- Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': I never doubted you would do the right thing.
- Harmony Star: Really?
- Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Well... maybe just a little doubt.
- Harmony Star: [laughs] I just started thinking... about you, and Ernest... and just a whole lot of things... and I really got things figured out. I even called my mom.
- Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': She must have been worried about you.
- Harmony Star: Yeah... especially after I told her who I was with.
- [Santa laughs]
- Harmony Star: [disguised as "Mindy, the governor's neice"; feigning disgust] Is this the way government REALLY works?
- Harmony Star: [it starts to snow, in spite of the tropical climate] What's going on?
- Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': CHRISTMAS is going on!
- Harmony Star: [after Ernest gets fired] Ernest, it was a dead end job anyway, it's nowhere working for a guy like that.
- Ernest P. Worell: If there hadn't been children present, it might have been a very ugly scene indeed.
- Harmony Star: Why didn't you just tell him you were robbed? This all could have been avoided if you'd just lied!
- Mr. Dillis: [tosses Ernest's tree out of the door after him, knocking him down] Merry Christmas!
- [laughs sadistically as Ernest lies face down on the pavement]
- Harmony Star: Ernest, you are in serious need of help.
- Ernest P. Worell: [Vern opens the door] Ho ho ho, Vern! Merry
- [Vern slams the door on him]
- Harmony Star: I thought you said this guy was your friend.
- Ernest P. Worell: Oh Vern's just like that, he'll do anything for a laugh. Come on!
- Restaurant Manager: Hey, wait! I think you forgot something.
- Harmony Star: Oh, no, mister, it's not me, it's my brother. He does this to me ALL the time. He takes me out, and he says he's got the money, and then we eat, and he says he's gotta go to the bathroom and he sneaks out just before the check comes in! And I'm left there with no money and this stupid look on my face, but I swear it won't happen again, so just let me go this one time, mister, OK?
- Restaurant Manager: Do you honestly expect me to believe that?
- Harmony Star: I swear, it's true! Oh, hey, look, it's my brother! See? There he is! Hey, Tommy!
- [runs away when the manager turns to look]
- Ernest P. Worell: Hey! Listen, I gotta get these reindeer down to the children's museumm, like, five minutes ago, you know what I mean?
- Chuck: Elms?
- Ernest P. Worell: No. Ernest.
- Chuck: Your name ain't Elms?
- Ernest P. Worell: No. Ernest.
- Chuck: We're holding these reindeer for a guy named "Helper Elms". Now, we've got some REAL good questions, and he'd better have some REAL good answers.
- Ernest P. Worell: Look, it's a long story, but before I tell you, let me ask you something. Do you believe in Santa Claus?
- Chuck: [eyes the flying reindeer on the ceiling] Somehow... I knew this question was going to come up.
- Ernest P. Worell: [disguised as Marty Brock's mother] Don't try to defend him, honey, there's no future in it.
- Ernest P. Worell: [after getting out of the taxi] That'll be $32.50.
- Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Here you go.
- Ernest P. Worell: [notices the money] Hey, uh, this ain't real.
- Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': What?
- Ernest P. Worell: This money carries the likeness of one...
- [with funny faces]
- Ernest P. Worell: "Mr. Funtime".
- Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Well I don't understand. I don't have much use for currency but I do like to keep some on hand, I just... oh my... last year, a 5 year old boy asked for a Mr. Funtime grocery store, I included a rather large amount of... play money. I suppose I must've gotten the two confused.
- Harmony Star: Dum de dum dum.
- Harmony Star: [jumping into Ernest's cab and making him speed away from the restaurant where she skipped out on the bill] You see that guy back there? That's my mean uncle, he makes me work in his restaurant like a slave, he keeps me in the basement where there's rats and filth,and I finally just escaped, so please don't let him get me!
- Ernest P. Worell: [John Wayne voice] Well no need to fret, young lady, you're safe with us.
- Harmony Star: ...Thanks. By the way, my name's Harmony Star, remember that name, I'm going to be famous someday.
- Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Oh this is Ernest, I'm Santa Claus.
- Ernest P. Worell: Surprised?
- Harmony Star: Uh, no, no not, not really.
- Ernest P. Worell: Vern throws the greatest Christmas parties, of course we're a little early so we can help him decorate and set up the food. Maybe he'll have finger sandwiches and cheese balls and bean dip!
- Harmony Star: Well I hope he's got something I can eat and not just a lot of white sugar and red meat. You know I think red meat makes people overly aggressive and makes them like, kill people and stuff, knowhutImean?
- Ernest P. Worell: You're right as rain, pudding, pork's my meat.
- Mr. Dillis: You're always pullin' this stuff, Ernest! Knockin' down the meters, giving free rides to every hobo you come across!
- Ernest P. Worell: But Mr. Dillis, this wasn't just some hobo, this guy was different! Call it clairvoyance, call it extra-sensitory perspiration... I just had this hunch!
- Joe Curruthers: Listen, before we sign, I need to go a few problems I have with the script. Can't we do something about the violence and the bad language?
- Ernest P. Worrell: [singing] Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree!
- Joe Curruthers: Now, Marty, this guy is bound and determined to talk to me. So let me just sit down with him a few minutes, let him what ever he has to say off his chest, then I'll send him on his way. I promise.
- Joe Curruthers: What are you going to talk to him about, flying reindeer?
- Ernest P. Worell: Yeah, Vern is my best buddy. He's always happy to see me, and he throws the greatest parties.
- Ernest P. Worell: Rise and shine its time to put fuel in the tank and rubber on the road and reunite father Christmas a personal friend of mine with his magic sack.
- Ernest P. Worell: Yea vern vern what a guy me and him go way back I guess you could say we re cut from the same bark if it weren't for me he wouldn't be were he is today I thought him everything he knows about nuclear physics. He's my best buddy and he throws the greatest parties.