- Bob Redding: How's your head?
- Elvira: I haven't had any complaints yet.
- Bob Redding: [confused] Excuse me?
- Elvira: Oh, uh, I think I'll live.
- Elvira: And if they ever ask about me, tell them I was more than just a great set of boobs. I was also an incredible pair of legs. And tell them... tell them that I never turned down a friend. I... never turned down a stranger for that matter. And tell them... tell them that when all is said and done, I only ask that people remember me by two simple words.
- [stops to think]
- Elvira: Any two, as long as they're simple.
- [breaks down crying]
- Bob Redding: I run the movie house.
- Elvira: Oh, really? I'm in movies too! Have you ever shown, uh, "I Married Satan"?
- Bob Redding: No...
- Elvira: How about the sequel, "I Married Satan 2"?
- Bob Redding: I, ah... I can only play G-rated movies.
- Elvira: Oh well, there's nothing wrong with G-rated movies, as long as there's lots of sex and violence.
- Chastity Pariah: Please, I don't think we need to resort to name calling. I think what Calvin is trying to say is that this Elvira is a person of easy virtue, a purveyor of pulchritude, a one-woman Sodom and Gomorrah, if you will. A slimy, slithering succubus, a concubine, a street walker, a tramp, a slut, a cheap whore!
- Chastity Pariah: [seeing Elvira arriving] Well, I never.
- Elvira: Yeah, and you never will with those soup cans on your head.
- Chastity Pariah: Listen, young lady. I don't know who your are or where you came from, but you most certainly don't fit in this town. Why, you don't even fit in that dress.
- Elvira: Listen, sister. If I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
- [Elvira is late for the reading of her aunt's will]
- Elvira: Hey guys! Sorry I'm late, but then, so is my aunt. Hey, nice jacket. Who shot the couch?
- Vincent Talbot: I must apologize for my behavior in the office, it's just that your appearance was a bit of a shock to me.
- Elvira: It's okay. My appearance is kind of a shock to everybody.
- Elvira: And don't forget, tomorrow we're showing The Head with Two Things... I mean The Thing with Two Heads. Until then, this is Elvira saying unpleasant dreams.
- Chastity Pariah: You all saw it! He attacked me in broad daylight and he had his way with me!
- Calvin Cobb: Me? I barely got away with my life! You could have worn out a mechanical bull!
- Chastity Pariah: You're not gonna get away with this, you sex-addled maniac! I demand that the council remove this pervert!
- Mr. Clotter: I never laid a hand on those sheep, so help me.
- Mrs. Meeker: Calvin is the one who was painting everybody in apple butter! I was just an innocent on-licker!
- Earl Hooter: The name's Earl, but the ladies back home call me Longhorn, maybe you can guess why.
- Elvira: Gee, I don't know, does it have anything to do with your breath?
- Mrs. Morissey: Oh Mister Talbot, your sister was like a mother to me.
- Vincent Talbot: She was a mother to me too, dear. Well, now that we've dispensed with the obligatory display of bereavement, you may begin the proceedings, Mister Bigelow.
- Bob Redding: You know what your problem is? Chastity Pariah.
- Elvira: [surprised] Oh. I thought that cleared up.
- Patty: [about Elvira's mess] Seems to me it's all this cheap little tart's fault.
- Elvira: Cheap? Who are you callin' cheap? What's that perfume you're wearing, Catch of the Day?
- Patty: Look, honey. I don't know which hole did you crawl out of, but I suggest you crawl right back in, if you know what's good for you.
- Elvira: Yeah well, you better watch out. You're gonna put some eyes out with these things.
- Chastity Pariah: [about Elvira] Well, if she's morally unfit, then we have every right to do anything we can to get her out of this town. Are we agreed?
- Bob Redding: [on Elvira's home-cooked casserole] No, you didn't.
- Elvira: Well, it is a pot luck. And believe me, when they open that pot, they're gonna need all the luck they can get. Revenge is better than Christmas.
- Elvira: Robin, what's there to do for fun around here?
- Robin Meeker: This town isn't big on fun. But there is one place! The bowling alley. It gets pretty wild on league night.
- Elvira: [surprised] Gee, I think I can handle it.
- Elvira: [ringing the motel bell] I hate to interrupt this little episode of the Waltons. But can I have a room?
- Mrs. Meeker: Okay, but it's cash up from. I know what you pinko heavy metal weirdos do to motel rooms. I read all about it in the Star.
- Anchorwoman: [Elvira bumps into her] Is there anything that could possibly shame you?
- Elvira: [flicks anchorwoman's scarf] Yeah, wearing this in a public place might do it.
- Vincent Talbot: [to Elvira] You think you're pretty clever, don't you? Well, mark my words. I'll get you and your little dog, too!
- Elvira: I've never been so humiliated in my life! Just wait until I get my hands on that Patty. I'm going to rip out every single bleach blonde hair out of her scalp, gouge out her eyeballs, then use her head for a bowling ball!
- Manny: [to Elvira] If you don't cough up the money, you're through. The only showroom you'll be seeing in Vegas will have Toyotas in it.
- Vincent Talbot: He who holds the book of sight, when the moon is drained of all its light, will then be ruler of the night, Master of the Dark.
- Earl Hooter: Sounds like your looking to get yourself fired, little lady.
- Elvira: Yeah, go ahead and fire me. I need this job like a leper needs a three-way mirror! It just so happens, I have an act opening up in Las Vegas!
- Bob Redding: Well, at least you still have the ring.
- Elvira: Yeah, but now all I can make it do is look cheap.
- Lesley Meeker: We do have a room. Remember the trucker with the bad skin who checked out this morning?
- Elvira: Ew, I hope you changed the sheets.
- Bob Redding: [after using kerosene to wash off tar] What's that perfume you're wearing?
- Elvira: Super Unleaded. Don't smoke!
- Bob Redding: The local council is horrified if someone in Fallwell, wherever or whatever, is having a good time.
- Chastity Pariah: I don't know who you are, or where you're from but you don't fit in this town. You don't even fit in that dress.
- Elvira: If I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you
- Vincent Talbot: It so happens, that there is a law in the books that dates back to the Salem trials. It specifically forbids, and I quote, 'any townsperson from practicing the ancient arts of spellcasting, demonology, alchemy and conjuration'. The charge, my fellow council members, is witchcraft.
- Vincent Talbot: As you may have surmised my sister and I, shall we say, had our differences.
- Elvira: Yeah, you really got shafted. Tell you what, I'll share my inheritance with you. You can have the dog.
- Vincent Talbot: No! Thank you. But I would be interested in acquiring that recipe book, you know, for sentimental reasons. I'd be willing to pay you, say, $50.
- Elvira: [Chastity Pariah passes by and only hears Elvira's response] Yeah, sure, I'll do it for fifty bucks.
- Chastity Pariah: [indignantly] Oh!
- Elvira: Listen, is there a motel or something around here?
- Mr. Rivers: [while examining the engine] Well, there's the Cozy Cot down by the widow Bishop's feed store. Course her son took that over after she had that spell of gingivitis. Her whole mouth swoll up like she ate a box of staples. Folks say she got it after kissing that little dog of hers.
- Mr. Rivers: [notices she walked away while talking] Nice tits.
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By what name was Elvira: Mistress of the Dark (1988) officially released in India in Hindi?
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