Dr. Margo Hunt: Dr. Kurtz, I'm unfamiliar with the academic guidelines at Radcliffe, but I would think any major university would consider warring on the United States and eating prisoners of war a serious breach of ethics.
Dr. Kurtz: Always the cautious scholar, huh, Dr. Hunt?
Dr. Kurtz: All right, I was exploiting the Piranha women. You don't know what it was like. David Letterman, God, the horror... the horror of that show... the horror.
Dr. Kurtz: This is a war! A war between men and women. Anything short of cannibalism is just beating around the bush.
Jim: Do you know what jungle herb cures the poisonous bite of the river snake? Do you know where the only land route is around the white waters of death? Do you know the way through the secret maze caves that lie underneath Hangman's Cliff? Huh, do you?
Margo Hunt: Well, no, I don't. Do you?
Jim: Well, no, but I have this paperback.
Dr. Margo Hunt: Bunny, Bunny, you don't have to live your life to please me. The important thing is that you're happy. And as for what I've taught you, well, listen, I've always believed that every woman should get as much education and intellectual stimulation as possible, and that she should develop her mental abilities to their utmost potential. But in your case, well, there's just no point.
Jim: All you women have ever done is, what? Some French chick invented kryptonite, or something.
Dr. Margo Hunt: Can I tell you a secret I've never told anyone before?
Dr. Margo Hunt: In a way, Jim is right; I am afraid of men. My relationships have been, well, I've had a lot of one-night stands. A little to drink, you know, give myself an excuse, then I subconsciously fall for jerks I know I'll never be emotionally involved with. It's all so empty, passionless, really. I guess deep down I'm afraid that there can never be any real respect or equality between the sexes, not really. I've avoided commitment because I'm afraid I'll be emotionally dominated by my lover or equally sad that I dominate him. I guess that seems kind of strange, huh?
Bunny: Can I tell you something too, Dr. Hunt, something I've never told anybody before?
Dr. Margo Hunt: Of course, Bunny, I'm glad we get to share this.
Bunny: Well, sometimes when I'm with a guy, I wish that he'd tie me up with red licorice ropes, and then spank me, and then he'd eat the ropes, and then he'd free me, and then we'd make love while the Philharmonic played "Bolero".
Dr. Margo Hunt: Thank you, Bunny, you've really put my thoughts in perspective.
Bunny: I feel better too.
[Dr. Hunt, Bunny and Jim are on a boat on the river into the Avocado Jungle]
Bunny: [frightened] What was that?
Margo Hunt: Something went under the boat - something big!
Jim: Ah, it's probably just a rock.
Margo Hunt: Hardly.
[There is a splashing sound]
Margo Hunt: A hippo, look!
Jim: [derisively] A hippo? In California?
Margo Hunt: The Palm Springs hippo. It's a lighter version than its African cousin because of the low-cholesterol diet. But it's just as deadly!
[the trio comes upon the tents of the men who live in symbiosis with the Piranha Women]
Bunny: What are they called?
Margo Hunt: The Donahues.
[to the frightened men in their tents]
Margo Hunt: Come on out! Don't be afraid!
Bunny: We won't eat you! We promise. Don't be afraid.
Margo Hunt: I'm an ethnographer!
[the men come out of their tents, crawling on all fours]
Jim: [disgusted] God, what wimps!
Margo Hunt: It's a different culture, Jim!
Bunny: [clutching her hands beneath her chin] I think they're sweet.
[the men offer pieces of fabric]
Margo Hunt: Oh, thank you! It's beautiful.
[the crawling men start to chant: "Donahue! Alan Alda! Mark Harman! Walter Mondale!"]
Frat Rat: This is gonna be a toga party and a beer bust, and for special girls like you, we are going to be having a wet T-shirt contest.
Bunny: But all my T-shirts are dry.
Dr. Margo Hunt: The women of this jungle must unite, and I'm going to settle a score with a certain renegade ethnographer.
Jim: Gee, you guys are pretty big, for wimps. Of course, the joke's on you when those broads come back and start picking out ingredients for chicken McMacho.
Dr. Margo Hunt: The secret temple of the Piranha women. Their architecture is surprisingly advanced.
Jim: It looks like a big lego to me.
Bunny: I have a lot of fantasies about being tied up and spanked. I suppose it isn't very liberated, is it? What kind of fantasies do feminists have?
Margo Hunt: They're an ancient commune of feminists, so radical, so militant, so left of center they... they eat their men.
Bunny: Oh, that. Well, if I like a guy, I usually start at...
Margo Hunt: They don't eat their men like that, Bunny.
Margo Hunt: San Bernardino, a rough speck of civilization on the edge of the avocado belt. We'll head down to some local establishments and see if we can find a mercenary to guide us through the jungle.
Bunny: [scared] I've never been to San Bernardino before.
Margo Hunt: Don't worry, Bunny,
Margo Hunt: we'll be all right.
Dr. Kurtz: There's your sacrifice. If you wish to become a piranha woman you must first take his body, and then his life. What is your decision?
Dr. Margo Hunt: I refuse to kill another human being in cold blood. However, in deference to your cultural traditions, I would be willing to have sex with him.
Dr. Kurtz: Forget it! You want your cake, you'll have to eat it.
[At the end of a class about gender relations, Bunny rushes up to Dr. Hunt, who is erasing the blackboard]
Bunny: Dr. Hunt, I just love your class!
Margo Hunt: Well, thank you, Bunny. You can call me Margo.
Bunny: [in a rush of enthusiasm] I like it so much, I've been thinking about changing my major from Home Economics to Feminist Studies, but I wasn't sure if you had any feminist cooking classes.
Margo Hunt: I don't think we do, no. Interesting thought, though.
Ford Maddox: Dr. Hunt, 98 percent of the avocadoes produced in the United States come from the state of California. Most of these come from a jungle area that spreads from Bakersfield to the Mexican border: the Avocado Belt.
Margo Hunt: I'm aware of that. What does it have to do with me?
Col. Mattel: Miss Hunt, maybe you don't get the point. Avocadoes are vital to this nation's security interests. The Communists are already in control of Nicaragua and Guatemala and El Salvador, strife with revolution. California is the last secure supply of avocadoes in the free world! We're on the verge of a major Avocado Gap with the Soviet Union.
Dr. Margo Hunt: Mr. Maddox. There's something you're not telling me.
Ford Maddox: Why? What do you mean?
Dr. Margo Hunt: You don't expect me to believe I'm the first feminist you've sent in to try and reason with the Piranha Women. What's really going on in that jungle?
Ford Maddox: I suppose you have the right to know the truth. Two years ago, we sent into the Avocado Jungle the leading feminist scholar: Dr. Kurtz.
Dr. Margo Hunt: [astounded] Dr. Kurtz? Internationally famous author of Smart Women, Stupid Insensitive Men?
Ford Maddox: Yes.
Dr. Margo Hunt: That explains her disappearance from the talk-show circuit.
[Dr. Hunt, Jim and Bunny are making their way through the jungle and finding knitted pot-holders and doilies hung upon the trees as they progress]
Margo Hunt: We want to be the first outsiders ever to make contact.
Jim: They're disgusting!
Margo Hunt: They're not disgusting. You think that anyone who chooses to live their life differently than you is disgusting. Well, different life-styles have different traditions, Jim.
Jim: They're snivelling worms and I don't have the stomach to look at them.
Margo Hunt: It's just a legend, really, that in the Avocado Jungle, there's a tribe of men who live apart from the Piranha Women.
Jim: And cower in fear of them.
Margo Hunt: They have different cultures, Jim! They're really very caring and nurturing.
Jim: They're a bunch of wienies!
Bunny: They make pot-holders?
Margo Hunt: Well, they make baked goods, sew their own clothes, and they leave out handicrafts for the Piranha Women. And, in return, they don't eat them! Kind of a symbiotic relationship.
Jim: Kind of an idiotic relationship is more like it!
Jim: I'd rather have you kill me than make me a gelding.
Margo Hunt: It was a one-night stand. I was half-drunk and left right after we had sex. We didn't say eight words to each other, and all yours were composed of one syllable.
Jim: Hah! Just like you to count the words, Dr. Hunt.
Ford Maddox: We don't care if these girls want to eat their men. That's the Piranha Man's problem. We just want the avocados.
[Fred and Sam are hacking their way through the Avocado Jungle with machetes, then pause to take stock of their situation]
Fred: We're lost.
Sam: No, we're not - look! Over there!
[the camera zooms in on an avocado hanging from a twig. The two guys approach it, and Sam pulls the avocado into his hand. Fred takes it and stashes away]
Fred: I think we should head back. We're getting in too deep.
Sam: Oh, don't - Wait a second. What's that I hear? It sounds like... women! Laughing!
Fred: Let's get outta here.
Sam: No, no, come on, man, don't be such a coward. Let's check this out!
[He gleefully pushes the foliage aside and strides forward; Fred follows. A small waterfall roars down into an idyllic scene: a pond filled with gorgeous women who have bare breasts and perfect tans. They are giggling, diving, and splashing around]
Sam: Look at them! They're beautiful! Aren't they the most lovely, sensuous, inviting women you've ever seen?
Fred: Let's get outta here.
Sam: What are you, nuts? Look at them!
Fred: They're dangerous!
Sam: They don't look dangerous.
[a brunette tosses a ball to a blonde. It's all very innocent-seeming]
Sam: They look... lonely.
[Fred looks at him incredulously]
Fred: [whispering] We have to get out of here.
Sam: Yeah? Well, I'm gonna go introduce myself. Yoohoo! Ladies! Ladies!
[a moment later, the Amazons are armed with bows and arrows. Sam falls dead with an astonished look on his face. Fred turns to run, and in a parody of all the clichés, trips and falls - as the Amazons pursue him]