Colonel Sandurz: Try here. Stop.
Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
Colonel Sandurz: Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.
Dark Helmet: What happened to then?
Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We're at now now.
Dark Helmet: Go back to then.
Colonel Sandurz: When?
Dark Helmet: Now.
Colonel Sandurz: Now?
Dark Helmet: Now.
Colonel Sandurz: I can't.
Dark Helmet: Why?
Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helmet: When will then be now?
Colonel Sandurz: Soon.
Dark Helmet: How soon?
Dark Helmet: Careful you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it!
Laser Gunner: Sorry sir! I'm doing my best!
Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
Major Asshole: I did sir. He's my cousin.
Dark Helmet: Who is he?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that! What's his name?
Colonel Sandurz: That is his name sir. Asshole, Major Asshole!
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole too sir. Gunner's mate First Class Philip Asshole!
Dark Helmet: How many assholes do we have on this ship, anyway?
[Entire bridge crew stands up and raises a hand]
Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes!
[Dark Helmet pulls his face shield down]
Dark Helmet: Keep firing, assholes!
John Hurt: [alien rips out of his stomach. He looks down at it] Oh, no. Not again.
Dark Helmet: Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr.
Lone Starr: What?
Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
Lone Starr: What's that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.
Dark Helmet: What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? CHICKEN?
Dark Helmet: [playing with his dolls, in Dark Helmet voice] So, Princess Vespa, at last I have you in my clutches, to have my way with you, the way I want to.
[in Vespa voice]
Dark Helmet: No, no, please leave me alone!
[in Dark Helmet voice]
Dark Helmet: No, you are mine!
[in Lone Starr voice]
Dark Helmet: Not so fast, Helmet!
[in Dark Helmet voice]
Dark Helmet: Lone Starr!
[in Lone Starr voice]
Dark Helmet: Yes, its me. I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hi, honey.
[in Dark Helmet voice]
Dark Helmet: Now you are going to die! BAM!
[in Lone Starr voice]
Dark Helmet: Oh, oh... OH!
[in Barf voice]
Dark Helmet: Hey, what did you do to my friend?
[in Dark Helmet voice]
Dark Helmet: The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy!
[in Barf voice]
Dark Helmet: OH! OH!
[in Dark Helmet voice]
Dark Helmet: And you too!
[in Dot voice]
Dark Helmet: Owww! Ah!
[in Dark Helmet voice]
Dark Helmet: Now Princess Vespa, at last we are alone.
[in Vespa voice]
Dark Helmet: Oh, oh, I hate you I hate you I hate you leave me alone! - yet, I find you strangely attractive.
[in Dark Helmet voice]
Dark Helmet: Of course you do. Druish princesses are often attracted to money, and power, and I have BOTH, and YOU KNOW IT!
[in Vespa voice]
Dark Helmet: Oh, oh, leave me alone!
[in Dark Helmet voice]
Dark Helmet: No, kiss me!
[cuts between their voices]
Dark Helmet: Oh, oh, no, yes, no, NO, yes, ah, ah, ah ahhhhh... oh, your helmet is so big...
[King Roland has given in to Dark Helmet's threats, and is telling him the combination to the "air shield"]
Dark Helmet: One.
Colonel Sandurz: One.
Dark Helmet: Two.
Colonel Sandurz: Two.
Dark Helmet: Three.
Colonel Sandurz: Three.
Dark Helmet: Four.
Colonel Sandurz: Four.
Dark Helmet: Five.
Colonel Sandurz: Five.
Dark Helmet: So the combination is... one, two, three, four, five? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! That's the kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!
Dot Matrix: How far did he get? What did he touch? What did he touch?
Princess Vespa: Nothing happened.
Lone Starr: What the hell was that noise?
Dot Matrix: *That* was my Virgin Alarm. lt's programmed to go off before you do.
Ape #1: [as the Spaceballs and what is left of Mega Maid land on the Planet of the Apes] Dear me. What are these things coming out of her nose?
Dark Helmet: [One of the apes takes his binoculars out and sees Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet, and President Skroob coming out of Mega Maid's nose] Hey, hey, hey. Watch my Helmet.
Ape #2: Spaceballs?
Ape #1: Oh, shit. There goes the planet.
Yogurt: Merchandising, merchandising, where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs-the T-shirt, Spaceballs-the Coloring Book, Spaceballs-the Lunch box, Spaceballs-the Breakfast Cereal, Spaceballs-the Flame Thrower.
[turns it on]
Yogurt: [reacts to dinks] The kids love this one.
[a dink hands him a doll that looks likes Yogurt]
Yogurt: And last but not least, Spaceballs the doll, me.
Doll: May the schwartz be with you!
Yogurt: [kisses the doll] Adorable.
Captain of the Guard: You idiots! These are not them! You've captured their stunt doubles!
Dark Helmet: [appearing in the room, lifting up his visor] I can't breathe in this thing.
Colonel Sandurz: We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir.
Dark Helmet: Good. I'll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately.
Radio Operator: I already called him, sir. He knows everything.
Dark Helmet: What? You went over my helmet?
Radio Operator: Well not exactly over, sir... more to the side - I'll always call you first, it will never happen again, never, ever.
[Helmet gets out his Schwartz ring]
Radio Operator: Oh, shit. No, no, no. No, please, please, no.
[covering his neck]
Radio Operator: Not that.
Dark Helmet: [lowers his visor] Yes, that.
[aims the beam at the operator's crotch, as the operator agonizes in pain]
[Lord Helmet is playing with his dolls in his quarters when Col Sandurz bursts in]
Colonel Sandurz: Lord Helmet!
Dark Helmet: WHAT?
[Helmet gathers up his dolls in the blink of an eye]
Colonel Sandurz: You're needed on the bridge sir!
Dark Helmet: Knock on my door! Knock next time!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir!
Dark Helmet: Did you see anything?
Colonel Sandurz: No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.
Dark Helmet: GOOD!
[Sandurz slams the door]
[watching himself crash into the ship's console while fast-forwarding through Spaceballs: The Movie video cassette]
Dark Helmet: No, no, no. Go past this. Pass this part. In fact, never play this again.
Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
Barf: I know we need the money, but...
Lone Starr: Listen! We're not just doing this for money!
Barf: [Barf looks at him, raises his ears]
Lone Starr: We're doing it for a SHIT LOAD of money!
Minister: Do you?
Lone Starr: Yes
Minister: Do you?
Princess Vespa: Yes
Minister: GOOD, you're married. KISS HER!
Dark Helmet: [after finding that the 'Self Destruct Cancellation' button has yet to be installed] Out of order? Fuck! Even in the future nothing works!
Megamaid Guard: What the hell are you doing?
Lone Starr: The Vulcan neck pinch?
Megamaid Guard: No, no, no, stupid, you've got it much too high. It's down here where the shoulder meets the neck.
[Lone Starr changes hand position]
Lone Starr: Like this?
Megamaid Guard: Yeah!
[guard falls to the ground]
Lone Starr: Thanks.
Lone Starr: Who hasn't heard of Yogurt!
Princess Vespa: Yogurt the Wise!
Dot Matrix: Yogurt the All-Powerful!
Barf: Yogurt the Magnificent!
Yogurt: Please, please, don't make a fuss. I'm just plain Yogurt.
Dark Helmet: [after tearing the microphone out of the desk] Now what is it?
Radar Technician: I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
Dark Helmet: What's wrong with it?
Radar Technician: I've lost the bleeps, I've lost the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps.
Dark Helmet: The what?
Colonel Sandurz: The what?
Dark Helmet: And the what?
Radar Technician: You know. The bleeps.
[makes bleep sound effect, making a ripple motion with his fingers]
Radar Technician: The sweeps.
[makes sweep sound. Quivers his face while doing it]
Radar Technician: And the creeps.
[makes creep sound, making little movements with his fingers]
Dark Helmet: [to Colonel Sandurz] That's not all he's lost.
Dark Helmet: [looking at Mr. Coffee] What's the matter with this thing, what's all that churnning and bubbling, you call that radar screen?
Colonel Sandurz: No, sir. We call it,
[slaps the machine]
Colonel Sandurz: Mr Coffee. Care for some?
[prepairs a cup for Helmet]
Dark Helmet: Yes. I always have my coffee when I watch radar, you know that.
Colonel Sandurz: Of course I do, sir.
Dark Helmet: [to everybody] Everybody knows that!
All the henchmen in the room: [covering their crotches] Of course we do, sir.
Colonel Sandurz: [squeaks] Prepare ship...
[tries again, with booming voice]
Colonel Sandurz: Prepare ship for ludicrous speed! Fasten all seatbelts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall, cancel the three ring circus, secure all animals in the zoo!
[first title cards]
Title card/crawl: Once upon a time warp...
Title card/crawl: In a galaxy very, very, very, very far away there lived a ruthless race of beings known as... Spaceballs. Chapter Eleven. The evil leaders of planet Spaceball, having foolishly squandered their precious atmosphere, have devised a secret plan to take every breath of air from their peace-loving neighbor, Planet Druidia. Today is Princess Vespa's wedding day. Unbeknownst to the Princess but knownst to us, danger lurks in the stars above... If you can read this, you don't need glasses.
[as they are trekking through the desert]
Lone Starr: Water. Water.
Barf: [Barf is panting with his tongue hanging out]
Dot Matrix: Oil. Oil.
Princess Vespa: Room service. Room service.
[Princess Vespa has been given a gun]
Princess Vespa: I ain't shooting this thing, I hate guns.
[her hair gets singed by a laser]
Princess Vespa: My hair, he shot my hair. Son of a bitch!
Barf: [Spaceball 1 roars by them, in a plaid colouration of speed] Aah!
Barf: What the hell was that?
Lone Starr: Spaceball 1.
Barf: They've gone to plaid!
Lone Starr: I wonder, will we ever see each other again?
Yogurt: Who knows? God willing, we'll all meet again in Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money.
Dark Helmet: What did you do?
Colonel Sandurz: I turned off the wall.
Dark Helmet: No, you didnt! You turned off the whole movie!
Colonel Sandurz: I must have pressed the wrong button.
Dark Helmet: Well, put it back on!
Princess Vespa: Now listen you...
Lone Starr: You listen. On this ship, you're to refer to me as 'idiot', not 'you captain'. I mean, you know what I mean.
Princess Vespa: And you will not call me 'you'. You will never address me as 'you'. You will call me 'your royal highness'.
Lone Starr: You are royal pain in the...
Barf: Whoa, hold it, time.
Dark Helmet: [breathes heavily, Darth Vader-style] I can't breathe in this thing!
Colonel Sandurz: Are we being too literal?
Dark Helmet: No you fool, we're following orders. We were told to comb the desert so we're combing it.
Minister: Excuse me! I'm trying to conduct a wedding here which has nothing to do with love, so please be quiet!
Princess Vespa: I'm sorry!
King Roland: I'm sorry
Prince Valium: I'm sorry too.
Minister: Don't be sorry, be quiet!
Colonel Sandurz: [after Helmet went flying and crashed into the computers after Spaceball 1 stops] Are you alright sir?
Dark Helmet: [in a stupor] Fine. How've you been?
Colonel Sandurz: Fine sir.
Dark Helmet: [softly] Good
Colonel Sandurz: It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet.
Dark Helmet: [barely audible] Yeah.
Colonel Sandurz: What shall we do now, Sir?
Dark Helmet: Well, are we stopped?
Colonel Sandurz: We're stopped, Sir.
Dark Helmet: Good. Well why don't we take a five minute break?
Colonel Sandurz: Very good, Sir.
Dark Helmet: Smoke if you got'em.
Dark Helmet: [Collapses]
Dark Helmet: So, Lone Starr, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.
[upon going into "ludicrous speed"]
Dark Helmet: My brains are going into my feet!
[man who ate the Space Special is becoming violently ill]
Woman in Diner: Grab him some water!
Trucker in Cap: Water, my ass! Bring this guy some Pepto-Bismol!
[after running the full length of Spaceball One to reach the bridge]
President Skroob: The ship is too big. If I walk, the movie will be over.
President Skroob: Did it work? Where's the king?
Dark Helmet: It worked, sir. We have the combination.
President Skroob: Great. Now we can take every last breath of fresh air from Planet Druidia. What's the combination?
Colonel Sandurz: 1-2-3-4-5
President Skroob: 1-2-3-4-5?
Colonel Sandurz: Yes!
President Skroob: That's amazing. I've got the same combination on my luggage.
Dark Helmet: You have the ring, and I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now let's see how well you handle it.
[after the self-destruction mechanism has been activated]
President Skroob: Sandurz, Sandurz. You got to help me. I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions. I'm a president!
Colonel Sandurz: [in reference to not wanting to attack Yogurt's lair] But sir, your ring! Don't you have the schwartz too?
Dark Helmet: Nah, he got the upside, I got the downside. See there's two sides to every Schwartz.
Dark Helmet: Say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago.
Princess Vespa: [the quartet enters Yogurt's lair]
Princess Vespa: What is this place?
Barf: It looks like the Temple of Doom.
Dot Matrix: Well it sure ain't Temple Beth Israel.
Lone Starr: Did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland?
Dot Matrix: [seeing Lone Starr and Princess Vespa kiss at their wedding] Well, goodbye virgin alarm.
Princess Vespa: I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids.
Lone Starr: Oh great. That's all we needed. A Druish princess.
Barf: Funny, she doesn't look Druish.
Trooper: [combing the desert with an large afro comb] We ain't found shit!
Dot Matrix: Can we talk? OK, we all know Prince Valium is a pill. But you could have married him for your father's sake and had a headache for the next 25 years.
Lone Starr: We gotta get moving before dawn.
Barf: Why so early?
Lone Starr: Because we're in the middle of a desert and we're not going to get very far once that blazing sun gets overhead.
[screen dissolves into a shot of the blazing sun overhead, with Lone Starr and Barf still slightly visible]
Barf: Nice dissolve.
Yogurt: Use the Schwartz, Lone Starr! Use the Schwartz!
Lone Starr: I can't - I lost the ring!
Yogurt: Forget the ring! The ring is bupkis! I found it in a Cracker Jack box! The Schwartz is in you, Lone Starr. It's in you!
President Skroob: Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?
Colonel Sandurz: Prepare ship for light speed.
Dark Helmet: No, no, no, light speed is too slow.
Colonel Sandurz: Light speed, too slow?
Dark Helmet: Yes, we're gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed.
Colonel Sandurz: Sir hadn't you better buckle up?
Dark Helmet: Ah, buckle this! LUDICROUS SPEED! *GO!*
President Skroob: [to Marlene] Hello, Charlene.
Marlene: I'm Marlene.
President Skroob: [to Charlene] Hello, Marlene.
Charlene: I'm Charlene.
President Skroob: Chew your gum.
Radar Technician: [Into raspy-sounding intercom] Sir?
Colonel Sandurz: What is it?
Radar Technician: Can I talk to you for a minute, please, sir?
Colonel Sandurz: [Dark Helmet and Colonel Sandurz approach the Radar Technician] Well?
Radar Technician: [Into the intercomm] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
Colonel Sandurz: [Putting the intercomm microphone back] You don't need that, private; we're right here. Now, what is it?
Radar Technician: [Raspy-sounding intercomm voice] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
Dark Helmet: [Tears the microphone out of the deck and throws it aside] Now, what is it?
President Skroob: [Upon discovering there is only one escape pod left] One pod left and three of us and I'm the President. Well, boys, it's a very lovely ship. I think you should go down with it.
Minister: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness Princess Vespa, daughter of King Roland going right past the altar, heading down the ramp and out the door!
[Mega-Maid's computer counts down to self-destruct]
Self-Destruct Voice: Ten... nine... eight... six...
President Skroob: Six? What happened to seven?
Self-Destruct Voice: Just kidding!
Self-Destruct Voice: [Skroob, Sandurz, and Helmet are mouthing the numbers alone with the recording] Six... five... four... three... two... one...
[they close their eyes and grimace]
Self-Destruct Voice: Have a nice day.
[They close them again]
Lone Starr: A million? That's unfair.
Pizza the Hutt: Unfair to payor but not to payee. But you're gonna pay it, or else!
Barf: Or else what?
Pizza the Hutt: Tell him, Vinnie.
Vinnie: Or else Pizza is gonna send out for *you*!
Dot Matrix: [while running from blaster fire, a la Star Wars] "Ooh, I *hate* these movies!
Barf: Chief... I can't... I can't go any further. I can't go any further.
Lone Starr: Just one more dune to go.
Barf: That's what you said three dunes ago. I got no more left. Oh, waiter... cheque please.
[collapses, dropping Dot]
Lone Starr: Must go on... MUST GO ON! Must go on...
Lone Starr: Who am I kidding?
[Drops Vespa, collapses]
Commanderette Zircon: [Skroob is going to the bathroom. Zircon appears on the wall in front of him] President Skroob!
President Skroob: Ahh! I told you never to call me on this wall! This is an unlisted wall!
Self-Destruct Voice: This ship will self-destruct in twenty seconds. This is your last chance to push the cancellation button.
President Skroob: Cancellation button? HURRY!
Dark Helmet: Prepare to attack.
Colonel Sandurz: Prepare to attack!
Dark Helmet: On the count of three. One... two...
[Eagle 5 suddenly blasts out of sight]
Dark Helmet: Late! What happened? Where are they?
Colonel Sandurz: [worried] I don't know sir! They must have hyperjets on that thing.
Dark Helmet: And what have we bot on this thing? A *cuisinart*?
Commanderette Zircon: Shall I have Snotty beam you down, sir?
President Skroob: I don't know about this beaming stuff? Is it safe?
Commanderette Zircon: Oh yes, sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful.
Dark Helmet: [as the ship is going into ludicrous speed] We've passed them. Stop this thing!
Colonel Sandurz: We can't stop, it's too dangerous! We have to slow down first!
Dark Helmet: BULLSHIT! Just stop this thing! I order you, *STOP*!
Dark Helmet: [Helmet is going to enter an escape pod when a fat woman reaches it first] Hey hey hey! That's my escape pod! Who are you?
Bearded Lady: [in gravelly voice] I'm the bearded lady! Who are you, one of the freaks?
[bumps Helmet away, boards the escape pod laughing]
Dark Helmet: [Helmet up at the window] Wait, wait! No!
Bearded Lady: [escape pod blasts away]
Dark Helmet: Come back you fat bearded bitch!
Princess Vespa: [singing in a very deep tone] Nobody knows...
Lone Starr: It's coming from there.
Barf: That can't be her.
[Lone Starr and Barf walk toward the cell that the singing is coming from]
Princess Vespa: [singing in a very deep tone] ... the trouble I've seen...
[Lone Starr opens eye slot in jail cell door and sees Princess Vespa singing]
Princess Vespa: [singing in a very deep tone] Nobody knows but Jesus.
Lone Starr: It's her.
Princess Vespa: [Barf looks in - Princess Vespa still singing in a very deep tone] Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.
Barf: She's a bass.
President Skroob: Ah, Planet Druidia, and ten thousand years of fresh air.
Dark Helmet: [aside to Colonel Sandurz] The way he runs things, it won't last a hundred.
Barf: (reacting to the guards being shot by Princess Vespa) HOLY SHIT!
Princess Vespa: How was that?
Lone Starr: Not bad.
Barf: Not bad... for a girl.
Dot Matrix: Hey that was pretty good for RAMBO!
Minister: What's your name?
Minister: Your full name?
[Barf sucks in chest to look stronger]
Dark Helmet: I bet she gives great helmet.
Barf: The minute we move in they're gonna spot us on their radar.
Lone Starr: Nuh-uh.
Lone Starr: Nuh-uh.
Lone Starr: Nuh-uh. Not if we jam it.
Barf: Aha! You're right.
Lone Starr: Down scope.
Barf: Down scope.
[puts down a periscope and targets the Spaceball 1's radar dish]
Barf: Radar about to be "jammed."
[then, a huge jar of "jam" smashes into the dish]
[after attempting to get out of a chair with his seatbelt on]
Barf: Oh! That's gonna leave a mark.
Dark Helmet: Raspberry. There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry: Lone Starr!
[camera moves in closer and closer during his dialog until it smashes into Dark Helmet and knocks him out]
Yogurt: I am the keeper of a greater magic, a power known throughout the universe... as the...
Barf: ...the Force?
Yogurt: No, the Schwartz!
Dot Matrix: I was saying; Do you realize what you've done?
Princess Vespa: Yes, and I'm glad. Glad, glad, glad, glad, glad.
Dot Matrix: I wonder if she's glad.
Princess Vespa: Hey! I don't have to put up with this! I'm rich!
Lone Starr: [sees Barf carrying a lot of luggage] Checking in? What the hell is all that?
Barf: [unintelligable from the bag in his mouth] Ith her oyal igness' atched uggage!
Lone Starr: What?
Barf: [pulls the bag out of his mouth] Her royal highness' matched luggage!
Lone Starr: Matched luggage? What does she think this is, a princess cruise?
Prison Guard: Hey! Those are the guys that stole our uniforms!
Prison Guard: They beat the shit out of us too!
Lone Starr: Well, what have we got here? Will you look at her? Those flashing eyes, those flushed cheeks, those trembling lips. You know something Princess? You are *ugly* when you're angry.
Lone Starr: Called me an idiot! I'm going back there and explain a few things to her.
Dot Matrix: Besides he got a sexy voice. He might be cute.
Barf: Wait. You haven't seen what she looks like.
Lone Starr: I know what she looks like. You've seen one princess, you've seen them all.
Princess Vespa: Cute? I know these space bums, they're all alike. Fat, ugly...
Lone Starr: Buck-toothed, knock-kneed...
Princess Vespa: Beer-swilling pigs!
Lone Starr: Horse-faced space dogs!
[after their Schwartz sabers get twisted]
Dark Helmet: Shit! I hate it when I get my Schwartz twisted.
Princess Vespa: I really must go back. I shouldn't have run away. I realize now that love is one luxury a princess cannot afford.
Lone Starr: You're probably right.
Princess Vespa: I know now that I must learn to live without love.
Lone Starr: I guess so.
Princess Vespa: Besides, love isn't that important.
Lone Starr: Nah... It never was!
Princess Vespa: I could be perfectly happy the rest of my life without...
[turns and looks into Lone Starr's eyes, pauses]
Princess Vespa: love.
Lone Starr: Sure you could.
Princess Vespa: Without physical contact.
Lone Starr: Yeah.
Princess Vespa: Without being held.
Lone Starr: Yeah.
Princess Vespa: Or kissed...
[they go to kiss, but right before they make contact, Dot Matrix's "Virgin Alarm" goes off]
Barf: Abandon ship! Abandon ship! Women and mogs first!
Princess Vespa: [looking up at the night sky] Which one's yours?
Lone Starr: Who knows?
Princess Vespa: You don't know where you're from?
Lone Starr: Not really. I was found on the doorstep of a monastery.
Princess Vespa: A monastery? Where?
Lone Starr: Somewhere in the Ford Galaxy.
Minister: ...to join Princess Vespa and Prince Valium in the bonds of Holy...
[sound of Eagle 5 flying over the castle]
President Skroob: As president of Planet Spaceball, I can assure both you and your viewers that there's absolutely no air shortage whatsoever. Yes, of course. I've heard the same rumor myself. Yes, thanks for calling and not reversing the charges. Bye.
President Skroob: [under his breath] Shithead.
Dot Matrix: [Mega Maid is sucking the air away from Druidia] What'll we do?
Lone Starr: We've got to act fast. Step one, we reverse the vacuum and blow the air back onto the planet. Step two, we destroy that thing.
Princess Vespa: But isn't that dangerous?
Lone Starr: Extremely. Plus, I don't know how the hell we're gonna do it!
Snotty: [Flipping switches to beam President Skroob back] Lock one... lock two... lock three... Loch Lomond...
Lone Starr: Helmet! So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time.
President Skroob: [to Dark Helmet] Never have that damn thing down in front of me. How I do I know you're not making faces at me under that thing?
[Dark Helmet raises his face shield and sticks his tongue out at Skroob after he turns away]
[as Lone Starr dodges laser blasts from Dark Helmet's Schwartz]
Dark Helmet: Very impressive, Lone Starr. Too bad this isn't the Wild World of Sports.
Barf: It's not that we're afraid, far from it, it's just that we've got this thing about death... It's not us!
Lone Starr: I still don't understand how I'm going to lift that big statue with this little ring.
Yogurt: Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!
Self-Destruct Voice: [aboard Mega-Maid] Thank you for pressing the self destruct button.
[Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet and the Video Operator are watching Spaceballs, the movie]
Colonel Sandurz: That's much too early. Prepare to fast-forward!
Video Operator: Preparing to fast-forward!
Colonel Sandurz: Fast-forward!
Video Operator: Fast-forwarding, sir!
Pizza the Hutt: Well, if it isn't Lone Starr. And his sidekick, Puke.
Barf: That's Barf.
Pizza the Hutt: Barf... Puke... *Whatever!*
Dark Helmet: Yogurt! Yogurt! I hate Yogurt! Even with Strawberries.
Princess Vespa: What's going on?
Dot Matrix: It's either the 4th of July, or someone's trying to kill us!
Self-Destruct Voice: Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button. This ship will self-destruct in exactly two minutes and forty-five seconds.
President Skroob: You've got to stop it. Is there any way to stop it?
Colonel Sandurz: I can't - it's irreversible.
President Skroob: Like my raincoat!
Dark Helmet: So, Lone Starr. Yogurt has taught you well. If there's one thing I despise, it is a fair fight. But if I must, then I must. May the best man win. Put 'er there.
[Reaches out to shake Lone Starr's hand and instead takes his Schwartz ring]
Dark Helmet: The Ring! I can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book! What a goof! What's with you man? Come on! You know what? Here let me give it back to you.
[throws it down the grate]
Dark Helmet: Oh, look, you fell for that too! I can't believe it, man!
[watching Spaceball One change into MegaMaid]
Barf: Oh, my gosh. It's not just a spaceship. It's a Transformer.
Alien puppet: [singing and dancing] Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal! Send me your kiss by wire, baby my heart's on fire! If you refuse me honey you'll lose me then you'll be left alone, oh baby telephone and tell me I'm your own!
Yogurt: And may the Schwartz be with youuuyoyoy - oh what a world, what a world!
Radio Operator: Colonel Sandurz!
Colonel Sandurz: What is it, Sergeant Ricco?
Radio Operator: You told me to let you know the moment Planet Druidia was in sight, sir.
Colonel Sandurz: So?
Radio Operator: Planet Druidia's in sight, sir.
Colonel Sandurz: You're really a Spaceball. You know that, don't you?
Radio Operator: Thanks, sir.
President Skroob: [finding the Pizza Delivery Guy in his escape pod] Hey, get out of there! Where do you think you're going?
Pizza Guy: Pizza to go!
[laughing, launches escape pod]
Yogurt: [Makes an strange noise from his throat when looking at Lone Starr's medallion]
Lone Starr: Oh, you can read it?
Yogurt: No, I was just clearing my throat.
King Roland: Are you all right, my dear? You look a little... flighty.
Princess Vespa: Don't worry about me, Father. I'm completely over him. Huh! Didn't even stay for the wedding. Just grabbed his million space bucks and ran.
King Roland: He didn't take the million.
Princess Vespa: He didn't?
King Roland: No. He just took 248 space bucks for lunch, gas, and tolls.
Waitress: [getting swatted by Barf's tail] Hey, hey. Watch where you're sticking that thing.
Barf: Huh? Oh, look, it's got a mind of its own, sweetheart. I can't do a thing with it.
Dark Helmet: [Dr. Schlotkin is caught making out with his nurse assistant] Schlotkin!
Dr. Schlotkin: [pulls away from the nurse and adjusts his glasses as the nurse nervously zips the top of her dress back up] What?
Dark Helmet: We're done with you. Go back to the golf course and work on your putz.
Dark Helmet: Ah, planet Druidia. And under that air shield, ten thousand years of fresh air. We must get through that air shield!
Colonel Sandurz: [Summing up the evil plan of the movie] We will, sir. Once we kidnap the princess, we can force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shild, thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceballs.
Dark Helmet: [to camera] Everybody got that?
Dark Helmet: Good. When will the princess be married?
Colonel Sandurz: Within an hour, sir.
Dark Helmet: Well I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonne be a short honeymoon.
Dark Helmet: No, it's not what you think. It's much, much worse!
Dark Helmet: [to Col. Sandurz] Give me that, you petty excuse for an officer!
Colonel Sandurz: All personnel proceed to escape pods. Close down the circus. Evacuate the zoo. The self-destruct mechanism has been activated. Abandon ship.
[Dark Helmet and Lone Starr are fighting. As they are fighting, Dark Helmet takes a swing with his saber at L.S. L.S. ducks and Dark Helmet ends up cutting down a movie crewman. Both D.H and L.S. stare for a moment]
Dark Helmet: Ummmm... He did it.
Lone Starr: What?
Barf: [Steps out of motorhome and flips off guards while making kissing sounds]
Barf: [after Spaceball 1 zooms past the Winnebago at 'ludicrous speed'] They must've overshot us by about a week!
President Skroob: [They hear a blowing sound] Helmet, what's going on?
Dark Helmet: Sandurz, what's going on?
Colonel Sandurz: It's Megamaid sir, she gone from suck to blow.
President Skroob: Well we've got to stop it.
President Skroob: Do something!
Dark Helmet: [to Sandurz] Do something!
Colonel Sandurz: [Over Intercom] Do something!
Commanderette Zircon: President Skroob! Salute!
All the henchmen in the room: [all do the spaceball salute] Hail Skroob!
Dark Helmet: Hey, hey, hey! That's my escape pod. Who are you?
Bearded Lady: I am the Bearded Lady. What are you? One of the freaks?
[pushes Dark Helmet out of the way and climbs into the escape pod]
Dark Helmet: Hey, hey! Come back! That's my pod. No!
[watches the escape pod being jettisoned]
Dark Helmet: Come back, you fat bearded bitch!
King Roland: Oh, Vespa, my darling. I thought I'd never see you again. Oh, my sweet little daughter. I'm so happy that you're home and safe. And, little Vespa, here's someone else who's happy to see you.
[an aide nudges the sleeping Prince Valium awake]
Prince Valium: [yawning] Oh, hello. Where have you been?
Minister: I'm gonna take no more chances but to make a short version. Prince Valium, do you take Princess Vespa to be your lawfully-wedded wife?
Prince Valium: [yawning] Uh-huh.
Minister: Princess Vespa, do you take Prince Valium to be your lawfully-wedded husband?
Princess Vespa: Uh, well, I... I suppose. Well... oh, I don't know.
Lone Starr: [entering with Barf] No! She doesn't!
Minister: What? Who the hell are you?
Lone Starr: Prince Lone Starr.
Princess Vespa: Prince?
Lone Starr: [showing her his medallion] I just found out. That's what this says. I'm an honest-to-God prince. Will you marry me?
Princess Vespa: Well, let me think about it.
[pushing Prince Valium away]
Princess Vespa: Yes!
Minister: I'm sick of this. I don't give a damn who it is, but I'm gonna marry somebody today!
Barf: [watching the "Alien" chestburster re-enactment] Waitress! Waitress! What did he order?
Waitress: Oh, he had the special.
Barf: The sp... that's what I ordered! Change my order to the soup!
Lone Starr: Good move.
Barf: I still can't believe you turned down the money. At least we could have stayed for the wedding feast. I'm starvin'. Have you got anything to eat?
Lone Starr: Nah. Oh, wait a minute. Yogurt gave me that fortune cookie. Here, chow down.
Barf: Wow, thanks. I'll split it with you.
Lone Starr: No!
Lone Starr: Let's set a course for Druidia.
Barf: Settin' a course for Druid-i-i-i...
Lone Starr: [the ship begins shuddering] What's that?
Barf: I don't know. I don't know. We're losin' power. Why? 'Cause we're out of gas!
Lone Starr: Must have burned it up in hyperactive.
Barf: I told you we should have put more than five bucks' worth in!
Lone Starr: Okay. We'll have to set her down. Prepare for an emergency landing. Quick, give me a reading!
Barf: [praying] Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed by Thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done...
Lone Starr: [hitting him] Will you stop that?
Lone Starr: [carrying Vespa's suitcase] What the hell's in this thing?
[opening it and taking out an exaggeratedly large hair dryer]
Lone Starr: What's this? I said take only what you need to survive.
Princess Vespa: It's my industrial-strength hair dryer. AND I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT IT!
Lone Starr: Okay, Princess, that's it. The fairy tale is over. Welcome to real life! You want this hot air machine, you carry it.
Princess Vespa: [he drops it on the ground] You pick that up.
Lone Starr: *You* pick that up.
Princess Vespa: How dare you, you insolent peasant? Nobody talks to me that way. Nobody!
Waitress: Hiya, big stuff. Hi, dream. What'll you have?
Lone Starr: We just got a couple minute while we're gassing up. What's ready?
Waitress: I can give you the space soup or the space special.
Lone Starr: Um, I'll have the soup.
Barf: I'll have the cleavage. Uh, special.
Lone Starr: Now, hear this: the minute we get out of here, the first thing we do is dump the matched luggage.
Dot Matrix: What was that?
Princess Vespa: Now, you hear this, whoever you are. You will not *touch* that luggage. And furthermore, I want this pigsty cleaned up. I will not be rescued in such filth!
Lone Starr: Listen. On this ship, I don't take orders, I give 'em. This is my dreamboat, sweetheart.
Princess Vespa: [insulted] Sweetheart?
Dot Matrix: Uh-oh.
Lone Starr: [entering a tunnel in Megamaid's ear] There's gotta be a self-destruct mechanism somewhere in the central brain area.
[the ship's infrared scanner stops]
Lone Starr: I think we just found it.
Princess Vespa: Where?
Lone Starr: Watch.
[adjusting the camera angle]
Lone Starr: Bingo! There it is. It's right below us. Put her in hover, Barf.
Barf: Putting her in hover.
Lone Starr: I'm going down there.
Barf: He's goin' down there. I wouldn't.
Minister: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together... again.
Princess Vespa: Why didn't you tell me he didn't take the money?
King Roland: I didn't think it was important.
Minister: May I continue, please?
King Roland: Besides, he asked me not to tell you.
Minister: Thank you. To join Princess Vespa and Princess Valium...
[realizing his mistake]
Minister: I'm sorry. It's the hair.
Dark Helmet: I don't see them, Sandurz.
Colonel Sandurz: I've sent the troops on ahead to vector 78, sir.
Dark Helmet: Good. Let's get moving.
Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir. Driver, prepare to move out.
Dark Helmet: What are you preparing? You're always preparing. Just go.
Colonel Sandurz: Just go.
Sand Cruiser Driver: Yes, sir.
Colonel Sandurz: Sir, shouldn't you sit down?
[the force of the speeder's movement thrusts Helmet down into his seat]
Dark Helmet: [capturing Vespa's ship] So, Princess Vespa, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of Planet Spaceball. Well, you were wrong. You are now our prisoner, and you will be held hostage until such time as all of the air is transferred from your planet to ours.
[opening the door and looking inside]
Dark Helmet: She's not in there.
[the Spaceballs in the room all drop their weapons and cover their crotches]
Radar Technician: [calling on the intercom] Radar repaired, sir. We're picking up the outline of a... Winnebago.
Dark Helmet: Winnebago? Lone Star. Lone Starr!
[pounding Vespa's ship in anger, the door falls and bonks him on the head]
Princess Vespa: [fleeing Spaceball City to the Eagle 5] Open the door!
Barf: I can't, it's fused!
Princess Vespa: Well, what about this one?
Barf: It's locked.
Princess Vespa: Well, where are the keys?
Princess Vespa: Oh, great!
Yogurt: Well, you opened your fortune cookie, so here's your fortune. Lone Starr, you know that medallion that you wear around your neck, but you don't know what it means? Well, here's what it means. It's a royal birth certificate. Yes! Your father was a king. Your mother was a queen. Which makes you a certified prince.
Lone Starr: Hey, I'm a prince! I'm a prince! Which means... .
Yogurt: Which means, if you hurry, there could be a princess in your future. Now, if you wanna get back there before she marries Sleeping Beauty, there's a special can of fuel in your glove compartment. Good luck, boys.
Barf: Bye, Yogurt!
Lone Starr: And, Yogurt... thanks.
King Roland: [requesting Lone Starr's help to rescue Vespa] You're the only ones that can save her! I'll give you anything! Did you hear me? Anything.
King Roland: Yes, anything!
Lone Starr: Okay. We'll do it for... a million.
King Roland: A million?
Barf: [preparing to toggle the video feed] Oh, you're starting to fade here. We're losing picture, Your Highness.
King Roland: All right, all right, I'll pay it. Only find her, save her.
Lone Starr: All right, King. You just made a deal.
Barf: One princess for one million space bucks.
Lone Starr: What's she driving?
King Roland: A brand-new white Mercedes, 2001 S.E.L. Limited Edition. Moon roof, all-leather interior. I got it at a very good price. I paid cash. My cousin, Prince Murray, has a dealership in the valley. He was very nice to me.
Lone Starr: We get the idea. Where was she last seen?
King Roland: She was just passing Jupiter 2.
Lone Starr: We'll find her.
King Roland: Please bring her back safely. And if it's at all possible, try to save the car.
King Roland: Helmet, you fiend! What's going on? What are you doing to my daughter?
Dark Helmet: Permit me to introduce the brilliant young plastic surgeon, Dr. Phillip Schlotkin. The greatest nose job man in the entire universe and Beverly Hills.
Dr. Schlotkin: [bowing] Your Highness.
King Roland: Nose job? I don't understand. She's already had a nose job. It was her was her sweet-16 present.
Dark Helmet: No, it's not what you think. It's much, much worse. If you do not give me the combination to the air shield, Dr. Schlotkin will give your daughter back...
[holding up a blown-up picture]
Dark Helmet: ...her old nose!
Princess Vespa: NOOOO! Where did you get that?
King Roland: All right, I'll tell! I'll tell!
Princess Vespa: No, Daddy, no, you mustn't!
King Roland: You're right, my dear. I'll miss your new nose. But I will not tell him the combination, no matter what.
Dark Helmet: Very well. Dr. Schlotkin, do your worst.
Dr. Schlotkin: [scraping his blades together] My pleasure.
Lone Starr: Dim the lights.
Barf: [dims the lights] Dimming the lights.
Lone Starr: Go to infrared.
Barf: [turns on infrared lights] Going to infrared.
Lone Starr: And pray to God.
Barf: Praying to God.
Princess Vespa: Ha, didn't even stay for the wedding. Just took his million spacebucks and ran.
King Roland: He didn't take the million...
[when Lone Starr and Barf stops on the outer space gas-station]
Waitress: Ready to order?
Woman in Diner: Ah, yes, we'll both have the lunafish.
Snotty: [realizing that President Skroob's head is on backwards] Geezbeasties! What's happened to his head?
Commanderette Zircon: [disgusted] It's on backwards!
President Skroob: Why didn't anybody tell me my ass was this big?
Colonel Sandurz: Corporal, get me the video cassette of "Spaceballs: The Movie".
Video Operator: Yes, sir.
[looking through the collection of video cassettes]
Video Operator: "The Producers", "Twelve Chairs", "Blazing Saddles", "Young Frankenstein", "Silent Movie"...
Barf: Oh, you're right. And when you're right, you're right. And you, you're always right.
Dark Helmet: How can there be a cassette of "Spaceballs: The Movie"? We're still in the middle of making it!
Colonel Sandurz: That's true, sir. But there's been a new breakthrough in home video marketing.
Dark Helmet: There has?
Colonel Sandurz: Yes. lnstant cassettes! They're out in stores before the movie is finished.
Dark Helmet: Nah!
Video Operator: Here it is, sir! "Spaceballs"!
Dark Helmet: Now, commence Operation Vacu-Suck.
TV Newsman: On a sadder note, Pizza the Hutt, famed half man, half pizza, was found dead earlier today in the back seat of his stretched limo. Evidently, the notorious gangster became locked in his car and ate himself to death.