The Princess Bride (1987) Poster

Wallace Shawn: Vizzini



  • [Vizzini has just cut the rope The Dread Pirate Roberts is climbing up] 


    Inigo Montoya : You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

  • Inigo Montoya : That Vizzini, he can *fuss*.

    Fezzik : Fuss, fuss... I think he like to scream at *us*.

    Inigo Montoya : Probably he means no *harm*.

    Fezzik : He's really very short on *charm*.

    Inigo Montoya : You have a great gift for rhyme.

    Fezzik : Yes, yes, some of the time.

    Vizzini : Enough of that.

    Inigo Montoya : Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?

    Fezzik : If there are, we all be dead.

    Vizzini : No more rhymes now, I mean it.

    Fezzik : Anybody want a peanut?

    Vizzini : DYEEAAHHHHHH!

  • Vizzini : I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains.

    Man in Black : You're that smart?

    Vizzini : Let me put it this way. Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?

    Man in Black : Yes.

    Vizzini : Morons.

  • Man in Black : All right. Where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right... and who is dead.

    Vizzini : But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

    Man in Black : You've made your decision then?

    Vizzini : Not remotely. Because iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows, and Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.

    Man in Black : Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.

    Vizzini : Wait till I get going! Now, where was I?

    Man in Black : Australia.

    Vizzini : Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

    Man in Black : You're just stalling now.

    Vizzini : You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could've put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my Spaniard, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

    Man in Black : You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.


    Man in Black : Then make your choice.

    Vizzini : I will, and I choose... what in the world can that be?

    [Vizzini gestures up and away from the table. The Man in Black looks backwards. Vizzini swaps the goblets] 

    Man in Black : What? Where? I don't see anything.

    Vizzini : Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. But no matter.

    [Vizzini tries to hold back laughter] 

    Man in Black : What's so funny?

    Vizzini : I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours.

    [Vizzini and the Man in Black drink] 

    Man in Black : You guessed wrong.

    Vizzini : You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - the most famous of which is "never get involved in a land war in Asia" - but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line"! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha...

    [Vizzini stops suddenly, his smile frozen on his face and falls to the ground dead. The Man in Black removes the blindfold from Buttercup's head] 

    Man in Black : You all right?

    Buttercup : And to think, all that time it was your cup that was poisoned.

    Man in Black : They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder.

  • [repeated line] 

    Vizzini : Inconceivable!

  • Vizzini : Finish him. Finish him, your way.

    Fezzik : Oh good, my way. Thank you Vizzini... what's my way?

    Vizzini : Pick up one of those rocks, get behind a boulder, in a few minutes the man in black will come running around the bend, the minute his head is in view, hit it with the rock.

    Fezzik : My way's not very sportsman-like.

  • Vizzini : You're trying to kidnap what I've rightfully stolen.

  • Inigo Montoya : You are sure nobody's followed us?

    Vizzini : As I told you, it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways inconceivable. No one in Guilder knows what we've done, and no one in Florin could have gotten here so fast. Out of curiosity, why do you ask?

    Inigo Montoya : No reason. It's only... I just happened to look behind us and something is there.

    Vizzini : What? Probably some local fisherman, out for a pleasure cruise, at night... in... eel-infested waters...

  • Man in Black : I challenge you to a battle of wits.

    Vizzini : For the Princess?

    Man in Black : [nods] 

    Vizzini : To the death?

    Man in Black : [nods] 

    Vizzini : I accept!

  • Vizzini : Jump in after her!

    Inigo Montoya : I don't swim

    Fezzik : I only dog paddle.

    Vizzini : AGGHH!

  • Fezzik : You never said anything about killing anyone.

    Vizzini : I've hired you to help me start a war. It's an prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition.

    Fezzik : I just don't think it's right, killing an innocent girl.

    Vizzini : Am I going MAD, or did the word "think" escape your lips? You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass.

    Inigo Montoya : I agree with Fezzik.

    Vizzini : Oh, the sot has spoken. What happens to her is not truly your concern. I will kill her. And remember this, never forget this: when I found you, you were so slobbering drunk, you couldn't buy brandy!

    [turning to Fezzik] 

    Vizzini : And YOU: friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless! Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed, in Greenland?

  • Vizzini : A word, my lady. We are but poor, lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby?

    Buttercup : There is nothing nearby... Not for miles.

    Vizzini : Then there will be no one to hear you scream.

  • Vizzini : We'll head straight for the Guilder frontier. You catch up with us there. If he falls, fine. If not, the sword.

    Inigo Montoya : I'm going to duel him left-handed.

    Vizzini : You know what a hurry we're in!

    Inigo Montoya : Well, is only way I can be satisfied. If I use my right... over too quickly.

    Vizzini : [exasperated]  Oh, have it your way.

  • Vizzini : I suppose you think you're brave, don't you?

    Buttercup : Only compared to some.

  • Vizzini : Do you know what that sound is, Highness? Those are the shrieking eels! If you don't believe me, just wait. They always grow louder when they're about to feed on human flesh! If you swim back now I promise no harm will come to you... I doubt you'll get such an offer from the eels.

  • Vizzini : You were supposed to be this Colossus. You were this great legendary thing, and yet he gains!

    Fezzik : Well I'm carrying three people, and he got only himself.

    Vizzini : I will not accept excuses I'm just going to have to find myself a new Giant, that's all.

    Fezzik : Don't say that, Vezzini, please.

  • Vizzini : Oh! The sot has spoken!

See also

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