Good Morning, Vietnam (1987)
Adrian Cronauer: Good morning, Vietnam! Hey, this is not a test. This is rock and roll. Time to rock it from the delta to the DMZ! Is that me, or does that sound like an Elvis Presley movie? Viva Da Nang. Oh, viva, Da Nang. Da Nang me, Da Nang me. Why don't they get a rope and hang me? Hey, is it a little too early for being that loud? Hey, too late. It's 0600 What's the "0" stand for? Oh, my God, it's early. Speaking of early, how about that Cro-Magnon, Marty Dreiwitz? Thank you, Marty, for "silky-smooth sound." Make me sound like Peggy Lee. Freddy and the Dreamers! Wrong speed. We've got it on the wrong speed. For those of you recovering from a hangover, that's gonna sound just right. Let's put her right back down. Let's try it a little faster, see if that picks it up a little bit. Those pilots are going, "I really like the music. I really like the music. I really like the music." Oh, it's still a bad song. Hey, wait a minute. Let's try something. Let's play this backwards and see if it gets any better. Freddy is a devil. Freddy is a devil. Picture a man going on a journey beyond sight and sound. He's left Crete. He's entered the demilitarized zone. All right. Hey, what is this "demilitarized zone"? What do they mean, "police action"? Sounds like a couple of cops in Brooklyn going, "You know, she looks pretty to me." Hey, whatever it is, I like it because it gets you on your toes better than a strong cup of cappuccino. What is a demilitarized zone? Sounds like something out of The Wizard of Oz, Oh, no, don't go in there. Oh-we-oh Ho Chi'Minh Oh, look, you've landed in Saigon. You're among the little people now. We represent the ARVN Army The ARVN Army Oh, no! Follow the Ho Chi Minh Trail. Follow the Ho Chi Minh Trail. "Oh, I'll get you, my pretty!" Oh, my God. It's the wicked witch of the north. It's Hanoi Hanna! "Now, little GI, you and your little 'tune-ooh' too!" "Oh, Adrian. Adrian. What are you doing, Adrian?" Oh, Hanna, you slut. You've been down on everything but the Titanic. Stop it right now. Hey, uh, hi. Can you help me? What's your name? "My name's Roosevelt E. Roosevelt." Roosevelt, what town are you stationed in?. "I'm stationed in Poontang." Well, thank you, Roosevelt. What's the weather like out there? "It's hot. Damn hot! Real hot! Hottest things is my shorts. I could cook things in it. A little crotch pot cooking." Well, can you tell me what it feels like. "Fool, it's hot! I told you again! Were you born on the sun? It's damn hot! I saw - It's so damn hot, I saw little guys, their orange robes burst into flames. It's that hot! Do you know what I'm talking about." What do you think it's going to be like tonight? "It's gonna be hot and wet! That's nice if you're with a lady, but it ain't no good if you're in the jungle." Thank you, Roosevelt. Here's a song coming your way right now. "Nowhere To Run To" by Martha and the Vandellas. Yes! Hey, you know what I mean! Too much?
Adrian Cronauer: [to Sergeant Major Dickerson] You are in more dire need of a blowjob than any white man in history.
Adrian Cronauer: Goooooooood morning Vietnam! It's 0600 hours. What does the "O" stand for? O my God, it's early! Speaking of early, let's hear it for that Marty Lee Drywitz. Silky smooth sounds, making me sound like Peggy Lee...
[Lt. Steven Hauk uses Army jargon to refer to a press conference to be given by former Vice-President Nixon]
Adrian Cronauer: Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the V.P. is such a V.I.P., shouldn't we keep the P.C. on the Q.T.? 'Cause if it leaks to the V.C. he could end up M.I.A., and then we'd all be put out in K.P.
[Sergeant Driewitz breaks into laughter]
Sgt. Major Dickerson: [Pointing to his rank insignia] What does three up and three down mean to you, airman?
Adrian Cronauer: End of an inning?
General Taylor: Woah, Dick, put the brakes on. I wanted to wait until airman left to talk with you. Dick, I'm transferring you.
Sgt. Major Dickerson: Transferring me? Where to sir?
General Taylor: You're going to Guam.
Sgt. Major Dickerson: Guam sir? There's nothing going on in Guam. Why Guam?
General Taylor: Dick, I've covered for you a lot of times cause I thought you were a little crazy. But you're not crazy, you're mean. And this is just radio.
[goes to the elevator and laughs]
General Taylor: "More dire need of a blowjob than any white man in history." That's funny.
Adrian Cronauer: [impersonating an Intelligence Officer] We've realized that we're having a very difficult time finding the enemy. It isn't easy to find a Vietnamese man named "Charlie." They're all named Nguyen, or Tran, or...
Adrian Cronauer: [as himself] Well, how are you going about it?
Adrian Cronauer: [as Intel Officer] Well, we walk up to someone and say, 'Are you the enemy? And, if they say yes, then we shoot them."
Richard Nixon: [Adrian has inserted his voice onto the press conference with Nixon] As I leave Vietnam today there will be no doubt in my mind that the Viet cong will be defeated. And this war will be won. It does involve as you have suggested give and take.
Adrian Cronauer: Well I really didn't make that suggestion, sir, I'm sorry.
Lt. Steven Hauk: Why would Cronauer's voice be on this tape?
Private Abersold: I don't know, sir.
Adrian Cronauer: Mr Nixon, thank you for that concise political commentary, but I think I'd rather delve into a more personal for the men in the field. How would you describe your testicles?
Richard Nixon: [Hauk turns to the radio in horror] That they're soft and they're very shallow and they serve no purpose.
Adrian Cronauer: So what are you saying, sir?
Richard Nixon: They lack the physical strength.
Lt. Steven Hauk: Oh, my God. Please don't do this to me.
Adrian Cronauer: How would you describe your sex life with your wife Pat?
Richard Nixon: It is unexciting sometimes.
Adrian Cronauer: Well, you can consider a sex change. There is an operation that can transform you into a female white dane or a very hell wung chihuaua. Mr. Nixon it is rumored that you have smoked marijuana. Are you planning to take some of the marijuana home back to the United States? How would you do that?
Richard Nixon: By plane. By helicopter and also by automobile.
Adrian Cronauer: The Mississippi River broke through a protective dike today. What is a protective dike? Is it a large woman that says "Don't go near there! But Betty- Don't go near there! Don't go down by the river!"... No, we can't say "dyke" on the air, we can't even say "lesbian" anymore, it's "women in comfortable shoes. Thank You."
[imitating Walter Cronkite]
Adrian Cronauer: I just want to begin by saying to Roosevelt E. Roosevelt, what it is, what it shall be, what it was. The weather out there today is hot and shitty with continued hot and shitty in the afternoon. Tomorrow a chance of continued crappy with a pissy weather front coming down from the north. Basically, it's hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon rut.
Adrian Cronauer: Five months in Vietnam, and my best friend is a V.C. THIS WILL NOT LOOK GOOD ON A RESUMÈ!
Adrian Cronauer: Gooooooooood-byyyyyyye Vietnaaaaam! That's right, I'm history... I'm outta here. I got the lucky ticket home, baby. Rollin, rollin, rollin'... keep them wagons rollin', rawhide! Yeah, that's right... the final Adrian Cronauer broadcast... and this one is brought to you by our friends at the Pentagon. Remember the people who brought you Korea? That's right, the U.S. Army. If it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's probably not being done by the Army.
Adrian Cronauer: I heard that.
Adrian Cronauer: Oh, you're here... good to see ya.
[imitates officer again]
Adrian Cronauer: I'm here to make sure you don't say anything controversial.
Adrian Cronauer: Speaking of things controversial, is it true that there is a marijuana problem here in Vietnam?
Adrian Cronauer: No, it's not a problem, everybody has it.
Adrian Cronauer: I don't know, Adrian.
Adrian Cronauer: Leo! Leo!
Adrian Cronauer: Adrian, take care of yourself. I just want you to know one thing... if you're going to be dressing in civilian clothes, don't forget pumps.
Adrian Cronauer: Thank you Leo... thanks for these. Oh, these are special.
Adrian Cronauer: They're ruby slippers, Adrian. Put these on and say 'there's no place like home', 'there's no place like home' and you can be there.
Adrian Cronauer: I hope... I hope we all could.
[fades to credits]
Edward Garlick: From a Marine in Da Nang: "Captain Hauk sucks the sweat off of a dead man's balls." I have no idea what that means, sir, but it seems very negative to me.
Lt. Steven Hauk: Sir, the man has got an irreverent tendency. He did a very off-color parody of former VP Nixon.
General Taylor: I thought it was hilarious.
Lt. Steven Hauk: Respectfully, sir, the former VP is a good man and a decent man.
General Taylor: Bullshit! I know Nixon personally. He lugs a trainload of shit behind him that could fertilize the Sinai. Why, I wouldn't buy an apple from the son of a bitch and I consider him a good, close, personal friend.
Adrian Cronauer: You know, you're very beautiful. You're also very quiet. And I'm not used to girls being that quiet unless they're medicated. Normally I go out with girls who talk so much you could hook them up to a wind turbine and they could power a small New Hampshire town.
Adrian Cronauer: Hey, we're back. That last two seconds of silence was Marcel Marceau's newest hit single, "Walkin In The Wind." And now, here are the headlines. Here they come right now. Pope actually found to be Jewish. Liberace is Anastasia and Ethel Merman jams Russian radar. The East Germans, today, claimed the Berlin Wall was a fraternity prank. Also the Pope decided today to release Vatican-related bath products. An incredible thing, yes, it's the new Pope On A Rope. That's right. Pope On A Rope. Wash with it, go straight to heaven. Thank you.
Adrian Cronauer: Here's a news flash: Today President Lyndon Johnson passed a highway beautification bill. The bill basically said that his daughters could not drive in a convertible on public highways.
Adrian Cronauer: What is the difference between the Cub Scouts and the military? Bzzzzzt! Cub Scouts don't have heavy artillery!
Adrian Cronauer: I'm sayin' I'm through, Ed. I'm tired of people tellin' me what I can't say. "This news isn't official." "That comment is too sarcastic." I can't even make fun of Richard Nixon and there's a man who's screaming out to be made fun of!
[the audience response to Hauk replacing Cronauer on the radio]
Staff Sgt. Dreiwitz: Sir, these letters are unequivocal! Uh, e.g.
[reads a letter]
Staff Sgt. Dreiwitz: "Hey, Hauk. Eat a bag of shit. You suck." Now that's pretty much to the point, sir, not much gray area in this one.
Lt. Steven Hauk: Who do we have slated for live entertainment in November?
Phil McPherson: Well, we originally wanted Bob Hope, but it turns out he won't come.
Lt. Steven Hauk: Why not?
Edward Garlick: He doesn't play police actions, just wars. Bob likes a big room, sir.
Lt. Steven Hauk: That is not funny!
Private Abersold: How about if it escalated?
Lt. Steven Hauk: How about if what escalated?
Private Abersold: The Vietnam conflict.
Lt. Steven Hauk: The Vietnam conflict. We are not going to escalate a whole war just so we can book a big name comedian!
Adrian Cronauer: How can you fight a war in this shit? I don't know where they are, I don't even know where I am. I can't see dick. Like hunting with Ray Charles.
Adrian Cronauer: [an Army sergeant demands to know who allowed Tuan in the bar] That's all right. I did. Hey, come on now. If you kick out the gooks, the next thing, you have to kick out the chinks, the spicks, the spooks and kikes. All that's gonna be left in here are a couple of brain-dead rednecks, and what fun would that be?
Lt. Steven Hauk: And where you do imagine you're going?
Adrian Cronauer: I'm going to get something to eat.
Lt. Steven Hauk: You ain't got time. You'll stay here and drink instant beverages or something. We promised our viewing audience Nixon highlights by 4:00 PM.
Adrian Cronauer: I've been on the air for four hours. I'm a little hungry.
Lt. Steven Hauk: That's a joke right? I get it.
Adrian Cronauer: No. I'm actually hungry
Lt. Steven Hauk: Well I'm actually giving you an order.
Adrian Cronauer: Oh it's an order. In that case gentlemen. Let's edit.
Dickerson: This is not military issue, airman. What sort of uniform is that?
Adrian Cronauer: Cretan camouflage sir. If you want to blend in with a bunch of drunken Greeks there's nothing better.
Dickerson: That is humor. I recognize that. I also recognize your brand of soldier.
Lt. Steven Hauk: First of all, don't make fun of the weather here, and don't say the weather is the same all the time here. Because it's not. In fact, it's two degrees colder today than yesterday.
Adrian Cronauer: Two degrees colder, me without my muff.
Adrian Cronauer: Here's a little advice: Never eat in a Vietnamese restaurant next to a pound.
Adrian Cronauer: [after eating a spicy Vietnamese dish] Shit! This stuff is burning the hair off my feet!
Lt. Steven Hauk: The former V.P. is a good man and a decent man.
General Taylor: Bullshit! I know Nixon personally. He lugs a trainload of shit behind him that could fertilize the Sinai. Why, I wouldn't buy an apple from the son of a bitch, and I consider him a good, close personal friend.
Adrian Cronauer: [to Garlick] Should've gotten the one with the training wheels pal.
Edward Garlick: I was almost killed. A truck's bumper was this far from my nose. My whole life passed before my eyes... and it wasn't even interesting to me.
Lt. Steven Hauk: Furthermore, you are to stick to playing normal modes of music, not weird stuff. Those who we'd find acceptable here would include Lawrence Welk, Jim Nabors, Mantovani...
Adrian Cronauer: ...Percy Faith...
Lt. Steven Hauk: Percy Faith... good!... Andy Williams, Perry Como, and certain ballads by Mr. Frank Sinatra.
Adrian Cronauer: Would Bob Dylan be outta line?
Lt. Steven Hauk: Way, way outta line!
Sgt. Major Dickerson: You're not gonna last long here, pal.
Adrian Cronauer: You can always send me back to Crete.
Sgt. Major Dickerson: Oh, you think this is a joke. I can come up with alternatives other than Crete and I'm real good at stuff like that. I got people stuck in places they haven't even considered how to get out of yet. You don't think I can come up with something good? Can you envision some fairly unattractive alternatives?
Adrian Cronauer: Not without slides.
Adrian Cronauer: Mayday! Mayday! Dragon-Lady with incredible figure at 11 o'clock! Stop the car.
Edward Garlick: I can't do that, sir.
Adrian Cronauer: Aw, Edward, you don't understand. I've been on a small Greek island with a lot of women who look like Zorba, I never thought I'd find women attractive ever again. And now that I do, you won't even turn the car around? Thanks a lot.
Edward Garlick: You have a very important meeting with the top brass...
Adrian Cronauer: -Oh, there she is again! How did she get ahead of us?
Edward Garlick: That's another person, sir.
Adrian Cronauer: She's beautiful and quick. Speed up, check her stamina. Oh my God, they're quick, they're fast, and small. Ha, ha, ha, ha! I feel like a fox in a chicken coop!
Edward Garlick: We got one letter from a man who thought that Hauk's comedy was "visionary and interesting." The other eleven hundred calls say that the man can't do comedy to save his dick!... That's a direct quote, sir.
Adrian Cronauer: I can't even make fun of Richard Nixon, and there's a man who's screaming out to be made fun of.
Dickerson: You better not even come within range of anything that happens or your ass is grass, and I'm a lawn mower.
Staff Sgt. Dreiwitz: Can I ask you something? What is the appeal of Joey Bishop? I mean the man's not funny. I know funny, and he's not funny. Don't get me wrong, he seems like a nice guy, but my father's a nice guy and he's not funny either.
Edward Garlick: Even encapsulated in two seconds, my life is dull. I find that very alarming.
Lt. Steven Hauk: [after Cronauer reels off the string of acronyms regarding Richard Nixon's visit] I would like to leave the room now.
Adrian Cronauer: Goooooooood morning, Vietnam! Hey, this is not a test! This is rock and roll! Time to rock it from the Delta to the D.M.Z.!
Adrian Cronauer: [in the control room after the confrontation between the censor and Dickerson over the Jimmy Wah bombing... both are watching from outside the control room window] Good Morning, Vietnam! Hey, I know it's not the morning, but that's my trademark, and 'good evening' sounds too depressing. Hey, we're going right now to news
[orally imitates teletype]
Adrian Cronauer: From England... today, Princess Margaret threw a shoe!
Adrian Cronauer: Queen Elizabeth... Elizabeth Taylor! She's still married after six months! Way to go, Liz! Yay!
[bumps his head against mic in anguish]
Adrian Cronauer: RIGHT! In... in Saigon today, according to official sources, nothing actually happened. One thing that didn't officially happen was a bomb didn't officially explode at 1430 hours, unofficially destroying Jimmy Wah's cafe.
Sgt. Major Dickerson: [to censor] Get him out of there!
Adrian Cronauer: Three men were unofficially wounded, and two men whose identities are not known at this time...
Sgt. Major Dickerson: [to censor as both are trying to get into the locked studio] Break the goddamn door down!
Adrian Cronauer: ...the fire department responded, which we believe to be unofficial at this present moment...
Sgt. Major Dickerson: [bursting into engineering room and barks to engineer] Turn it off! Now!
Adrian Cronauer: I just want to think that you should...
[the VU needles rest on their pins as the console goes dark... Cronauer removes his headphones and pushes mic boom aside]
Jimmy Wah: [Jimmy brings Cronauer and Garlick their beers] There your beer!
Edward Garlick: Thank you Jimmy.
Jimmy Wah: [discreetly] Any movement on the Walter Brennan thing?
Edward Garlick: No... and it doesn't look good, Jimmy.
Jimmy Wah: He look good to me!
Sgt. Major Dickerson: Welcome back.
Adrian Cronauer: Thank you sergeant. I've missed you.
Sgt. Major Dickerson: [chuckles] I'm informing you that you're outta here. I want your bags packed and ready to go by tomorrow afternoon.
Adrian Cronauer: You don't have the power... I'll take this right to the authorities.
Sgt. Major Dickerson: I am the authorities, you moron! Oh, I've got your pansy ass in a sling now, Cronauer. Who's Tuan? The guys who flew you in radioed that they picked up a young South Vietnamese boy with you and Garlick. Who is this South Vietnamese boy?
Adrian Cronauer: He's a friend from my class who risked his ass to save my life.
Sgt. Major Dickerson: A friend? Well, your friend is a VC terrorist.
Adrian Cronauer: [laughs] Yeah, and my mother's a werewolf, right?
Sgt. Major Dickerson: Tuan is also known as Phan Duc To! He's currently wanted by the South Vietnamese police in connection with several bombings in the area, including the one at Jimmy Wah's. Surely you're familiar with that incident.
Sgt. Major Dickerson: Did you ever wonder how a young South Vietnamese boy gets into and out of VC-held territory? It's dangerous out there... things just jump out at you. And yet this boy can get in and out without a scratch. And what about Jimmy Wah's? Didn't you ever wonder why you were pulled out just moments before the whole place blew up? Or are you normally not that inquisitive?
[takes photos from desks and shows them to Cronauer]
Sgt. Major Dickerson: Friends of Phan Duc To. These three were executed shortly after this photo was taken.
Sgt. Major Dickerson: Your friend is next. I don't recommend that you tangle with me on this one, airman, as not too many high-ranking officers would be sympathetic to a serviceman with links to terrorists. The Army is kind of quirky that way. A conviction on a charge of treason against the United States carries with it some penalties on the stiff side, if you know what I mean. I have arranged for an honorable discharge, provided that you leave without incident.
Adrian Cronauer: [to Tuan hiding from him] I know about the bombing, Sparky. No wonder you hauled ass. You were my friend. I trusted you.
Adrian Cronauer: YOU HEAR ME?
Tuan: [hidden] You a naive man, Cronauer. You take a stupid side. Now you have to go. You're better off.
Adrian Cronauer: That's not the fucking point! You understand me? I fought to get you into that bar! And then you blow the fucking place up! Listen... I gave you my friendship... and my trust! And now they tell me that my best friend is the goddamn enemy!
Tuan: [in tears, showing himself] ENEMY? What is enemy? You killing my own people so many miles from your home. We not the enemy! You the enemy!
Adrian Cronauer: [tersely] You used me to kill two people! Two people DIED in that fucking bar!
Tuan: Big fucking deal! My mother is dead. And my older brother, who be 29 years old, he dead! Shot by Americans! My neighbor, dead! His wife, dead. WHY? Because we're not human to them! We're only little Vietnamese... and I'm stupid enough to save your bullshit life at An Lac.
Censor #1: [Adrian sees the story about the bombing that he witnessed and he starts taking it to the control room, going past the two censors] What do you think you're doing? You know you're forbidden to read anything not checked by this office.
Adrian Cronauer: What was there to check? I was there.
Censor #1: You know the rules, airman. If this is a legitimate news story, it must go through proper channels.
Adrian Cronauer: Look, tweedledee, it's an actual event.
[referring to the blood on his shirt]
Adrian Cronauer: What do you think this came from? Shaving? It's the truth. I just want to report the truth. It'll be a nice change of pace.
Sgt. Major Dickerson: What's going on here?
Adrian Cronauer: Sir, will you listen to me?
Sgt. Major Dickerson: [reads the story] This is not official news, airman. As far as I'm concerned, it didn't happen.
Adrian Cronauer: It did happen.
Sgt. Major Dickerson: You shut your mouth!
Adrian Cronauer: What are you afraid of Dickerson? People might find out there's a war going on?
Sgt. Major Dickerson: This news is not official.
Adrian Cronauer: You wanna know the assumption is perfectly safe around here? Well, it's not. The fighting's not in the hills, it's downtown. It's a
Adrian Cronauer: couple of fucking blocks!
Sgt. Major Dickerson: I said it's none of your goddamn business!
Adrian Cronauer: I see your point. I'm sorry. Once I get inside and hit these air conditioners I get a little dizzy. Thanks for setting me straight.
Adrian Cronauer: Mantovani? They feed Mantovani to insomniacs who don't respond to strong drugs!
Lt. Steven Hauk: Where's Crounauer?
Staff Sgt. Dreiwitz: Still eating, sir.
Lt. Steven Hauk: I want to see him ASAP.
Staff Sgt. Dreiwitz: What, sir?
Lt. Steven Hauk: As soon as possible.
Staff Sgt. Dreiwitz: VG sir.
Adrian Cronauer: If I don't get to my English class, they'll be a lot of people speaking in short choppy sentences.
Edward Garlick: Look, we've got to talk and talk now!
Adrian Cronauer: Not now man come on.
Edward Garlick: I can't believe you. What? That's it? You're going to leave the whole fucking thing behind and leave everything fucking hanging! People are depending on you!
Adrian Cronauer: Edward, please! That's two nasty words in one year. Forgive me.
Lieutenant Steven Hauk: "Good morning, Vietnam." What the heck is that supposed to mean?
Private Abersold: I don't know, Lieutenant, I guess it means good morning, Vietnam.
Lieutenant Steven Hauk: And who gave him permission to play modern music?
Lieutenant Steven Hauk: I think some apologies are in order.
Adrian Cronauer: [On Lt. Hauk] In the dictionary under "asshole" it says "See him."
General Taylor: Lieutenant, you don't know whether you've been shot, fucked, powder-burned or snake-bit.
Edward Garlick: No, Phil, he's not all right. A man does not refer to Pat Boone as a beautiful genius if things are all right.
Adrian Cronauer: Okay, if someone is not telling the truth, you say that they are full of...
Vietnamese Class: Shit!
Adrian Cronauer: If someone has made you angry or angrier, they have...
Vietnamese Class: Pissed me off!
Staff Sgt. Dreiwitz: [to French-Vietnamese bar girl] Hi, I'm William Holden...
Edward Garlick: [to Cronauer as they arrive at Jimmy Wah's] We're here, sir... Jimmy Wah's.
[they exit the Jeep and enter]
Edward Garlick: This is the place where we like to hang out, sir.
Adrian Cronauer: Real homey... in an opium kind of way.
Edward Garlick: [as Jimmy spots them] That's Jimmy Wah. He owns the place.
Jimmy Wah: Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!
Jimmy Wah: Now you say hi to me then you smile!
[both smile and say hi weakly]
Jimmy Wah: And you two Earl want a couple beer?
Edward Garlick: We'd love a couple beers, Jimmy.
[Jimmy waves them to a table]
Adrian Cronauer: Why are our names Earl?
Edward Garlick: He calls everybody Earl.
Adrian Cronauer: [they sit down] Is it me, or is Jimmy light in the loafers?
Edward Garlick: Let me put it to you this way. He's got this thing for Walter Brennan. He says he wants to buy naked photographs of the actor? For three years, he's been trying.
General Taylor: Cronauer, I'm sorry as hell about this thing. Goddammit, I like you, son. I like what you do. Most of all, I like what you done for the men. But facts facts. This could give the Army a black eye. I'm not gonna cover for you this time, son.
Adrian Cronauer: Sir, what about the show?
General Taylor: We'll handle it.
[Listening to Cronauer]
Private Abersold: You know, he's funny, he's like a Marx Brother.
Lieutenant Steven Hauk: And which Marx Brother would that be, Private? Zeppo? I don't find him funny at all.
Private Abersold: Zeppo? Wasn't he the one with the hat?
Lieutenant Steven Hauk: I understand you're pretty funny as a dee-jay and, well, comedy is kind of a hobby of mine. Well, actually, it's a little more than just a hobby, Reader's Digest is considering publishing two of my jokes.
Adrian Cronauer: Really.
Lieutenant Steven Hauk: Yeah. And perhaps some night we could maybe get together and swap humorous stories, for fun.
Adrian Cronauer: Oh, why not? Maybe play a couple of Tennessee Ernie Ford records, that'd be a hoot.
Lieutenant Steven Hauk: That's a joke, right?
Adrian Cronauer: Maybe.
Lieutenant Steven Hauk: I get it.
Adrian Cronauer: What's the demilitarized zone? It sounds like something from the Wizard of Oz "Oh no don't go in there!" "Ohhh wee ohh. Ho Chi Minh." "Oh look you've landed in Saigon. You're amongst the little people now." "We represent the ARVN army, the ARVN army. Oh no! Follow the Ho Chi Minh trail! Follow the Ho Chi Minh trail!"
Edward Garlick: What will you do, sir? What will you do? What will you do with your time?
Adrian Cronauer: Oh, I don't know. There are plenty of things I can think of. Maybe go downtown and try to find a Vietnamese man named "Phil."
[imitating Lawrence Welk]
Adrian Cronauer: Thank you for the lovely tune, that funky music will drive us till the dawn. Let's go, let's bugaloo till we puke!
[Before Hauk goes on the air, the other men gently try to change his mind, then Eddie just leans down to the microphone]
Edward Garlick: Sir, you're not funny. Ask around.
Staff Sgt. Dreiwitz: Ask me. I mean, I know funny, sir, and I don't think you're it. It's like me, I'm not much with power tools...
Trinh: You talk, I think, very much.
Adrian Cronauer: Well, you see, I'm not used to going out on a date with a grand jury, and it makes me a little nervous.
Trinh: I don't want makes you nervous, 'Cronow'! I knows you very nice, and for trusting... you is the best... on the gently of what you say... and never to be for both the same and the other.
Adrian Cronauer: Well, I had you there, babe, but then you lost me at the end.
Adrian Cronauer: Gentlemen, what can I say but "hiya"?
Censor #1: Hiya.
Censor #2: Hiya.
Adrian Cronauer: Okay, which one of you is throwing his voice?
Jimmy Wah: [hysterically as he's watching his bar burn with Cronauer after the bombing] My bar! Why!
Jimmy Wah: [Cronauer is eating alone at Jimmy Wah's... Jimmy spots him] Aha! Earl! Ah, you again! No more fighting, OK?
Adrian Cronauer: Nice shiny green suit... you look like an Oriental leprechaun.
Jimmy Wah: Ha, ha! You like? I got it in Hong Kong... home of the shiny green suit!
Adrian Cronauer: [Trinh has taken Cronauer to her brother, who has been in hiding] Phan Duc To!
[Tuan flees... Cronauer chases him]
Adrian Cronauer: Get back here!
Adrian Cronauer: [to the racist sergeant] I got to tell you somethin', you know? I've been all around the world, seen a lot of places and a lot of people. I have never, ever in my travels come across a man as large as you... with as much muscles, who has absolutely no penis.
Adrian Cronauer: Oh, Edward, don't you do anything that's not by the book?
Edward Garlick: Not when I get into trouble. No I don't.
Adrian Cronauer: You know, Eddie, sometimes you got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun. What's that? Come on. Take some chances once in a while, Edward. That's what life's all about.
Staff Sgt. Dreiwitz: [When the "B-girls" come over to their table at Jimmy Wah's] Hello. I'm William Holden.
Private Abersold: Hey, how come I'm the only one who don't get one?
Dan 'The Man' Levitan: I'm Dan "The Man" Levitan. You've probably heard my radio show. Haha!