- Number 5: Malfunction. Need input.
- Stephanie Speck: Input. That's information! Listen, I am full of it.
- Newton Crosby: Where are you from, anyway?
- Ben Jabituya: Bakersfield, originally.
- Newton Crosby: No, I mean your ancestors.
- Ben Jabituya: Oh, them. Pittsburgh.
- Howard Marner: What if it goes out and melts down a bus load of nuns? How would you like to write the headline on that one?
- Benjamin Jabituya: Nun soup?
- Newton Crosby: Why did you disobey your program?
- Number 5: Program say to kill, to disassemble, to make dead. Number 5 cannot.
- Newton Crosby: Why "cannot"?
- Number 5: Is *wrong*! Newton Crosby, Ph.D not know this?
- Newton Crosby: Of course I know it's wrong to kill, but who told you?
- Number 5: *I* told me.
- [Stephanie is in the bath]
- Number 5: [confused] Stephanie... change color!
- Stephanie Speck: [looks down, embarrassed, reaches for a towel] Uh...
- Number 5: Attractive! Nice software. Mmm.
- Stephanie Speck: Boy, you sure don't talk like a machine.
- Newton Crosby: OK. Listen closely. There's a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. They're out playing golf. They're deciding how much to give to charity. The priest says "We'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands inside the circle, we'll give to charity." The minister says "No, we'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands outside of the circle, that's what we'll give to charity." The rabbi says "No no no. We'll throw the money way up in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps!"
- Number 5: Hmmmm. Oh, I get it! Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho! Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee! Nyuk, nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!
- Stephanie Speck: What's going on? Is he laughing?
- Newton Crosby: Yeah! Yeah! And the joke wasn't even that funny, and I think I screwed up the punchline. Ha ha ha ha!
- Number 5: "Whatever God wants, he keeps!"
- Duke: Will he kill me if I stop?
- Ben Jabituya: Who is to say?
- Duke: Will he kill me if I don't stop?
- Ben Jabituya: Again I am shrugging.
- Duke: I'm stopping.
- Ben Jabituya: Good choice.
- Howard Marner: Crosby, we're going to have to ask you to surrender the robot.
- Newton Crosby: Stat?
- Howard Marner: Stat!
- Newton Crosby: What does that mean, anyway?
- Howard Marner: I don't know. But that's not the point.
- Stephanie Speck: You're a robot? I thought you were alive, Number 5. I let you tear my house to shreds and you're a robot! You're a machine from that dumb war lab place. God, I'm so stupid!
- Number 5: Stupid - foolish, gullible, doltish, dumbell, lamebrain...
- Stephanie Speck: Shut up!
- Number 5: Shut up - silence, hush, sit on it, can it...
- Stephanie Speck: [to Number 5 whose been watching TV all night] Haven't you had enough of this stuff? You know, you lose IQ points the longer you watch. There have been actual studies. Look, you're going to become the first alien couch potato.
- Number 5: [on seeing the Sun] Oooooo! Beautiful. Light bulb.
- Stephanie Speck: No - sun.
- Number 5: Beautiful No-sun.
- [first lines]
- Number 4: Enemy neutralized. Ladies and gentlemen, objective completed.
- Howard Marner: Hey! Who told you you could take Number One?
- Newton Crosby: Howard, logically, if we need protection from Number Five - this is the best weapon we could have.
- Howard Marner: Great. Great. So, instead of 11 million dollars on the loose - we're gonna have twenty-two.
- Ben Jabituya: And plus, we are needing gas money.
- Stephanie Speck: But you can't die. You're a machine.
- Number 5: No.
- Stephanie Speck: No, you're not a machine?
- Number 5: Yes.
- Stephanie Speck: Yes, you are, or yes, you're not?
- Number 5: Yes.
- Stephanie Speck: Yes, WHAT?
- Number 5: Yes, not.
- Stephanie Speck: Talk about a malfunction.
- Howard Marner: Crosby, what's it gonna do?
- Newton Crosby: Howard it's hard to say, it's malfunctioning, it may not do anything.
- Skroeder: But it COULD decide to blow away anything that moves, couldn't it? COULDN'T IT CROSBY?
- Skroeder: ...and I'm going to need some Hueys.
- Howard Marner: Some what?
- Skroeder: HELICOPTERS, Howard. Jesus Christ!
- Howard Marner: I thought they were choppers.
- Skroeder: Well, now they're called Hueys.
- Howard Marner: Well, why wasn't I notified?
- Skroeder: What the hell does it need input for?
- Newton Crosby: I don't know; I guess it can't triangulate its position.
- Howard Marner: That's a simple function.
- Newton Crosby: Can you triangulate YOUR position, Howard?
- Howard Marner: No.
- Newton Crosby: Well, then - there you go!
- [about the robots]
- Newton Crosby: Originally I had non-military purposes in mind. I designed it as a marital aid.
- Stephanie Speck: [on the phone] Yes, I'd like to speak to one of your head warmongers, please.
- Duke: Dr. Warmonger - I mean, Dr. Marner!
- Newton Crosby: Can you believe it's been five years since I've driven?
- Ben Jabituya: I would say ten.
- Newton Crosby: Are you sure you weren't doing any steering or anything like that?
- Stephanie Speck: Yeah, I like to drive off cliffs.
- Stephanie Speck: [they're heading for the cliff] Oh, no - Jeez! Number Five, we're gonna be killed!
- Number 5: Disassemble?
- Stephanie Speck: Yes, disassemble ALL OVER THE PLACE!
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