Short Circuit (1986)
Number 5: Hey, laser lips, your mama was a snow blower.
Number 5: Malfunction. Need input.
Stephanie Speck: Input. That's information! Listen, I am full of it.
Newton Crosby: Where are you from, anyway?
Ben Jabituya: Bakersfield, originally.
Newton Crosby: No, I mean your ancestors.
Ben Jabituya: Oh, them. Pittsburgh.
Ben Jabituya: I am thinking she is a virgin. Or at least she used to be.
[Stephanie is in the bath]
Number 5: [confused] Stephanie... change color!
Stephanie Speck: [looks down, embarrassed, reaches for a towel] Uh...
Number 5: Attractive! Nice software. Mmm.
Stephanie Speck: Boy, you sure don't talk like a machine.
Ben Jabituya: With excitement like this, who is needing enemas?
Ben Jabituya: Newton, we are wasting valueless time here.
Ben Jabituya: I don't know about you, but I am planning to scream and run.
Number 5: [Reading a Billboard] Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too?
Stephanie Speck: But you can't die. You're a machine.
Number 5: No.
Stephanie Speck: No, you're not a machine?
Number 5: Yes.
Stephanie Speck: Yes, you are, or yes, you're not?
Number 5: Yes.
Stephanie Speck: Yes, WHAT?
Number 5: Yes, not.
Stephanie Speck: Talk about a malfunction.
Newton Crosby: OK. Listen closely. There's a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. They're out playing golf. They're deciding how much to give to charity. The priest says "We'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands inside the circle, we'll give to charity." The minister says "No, we'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands outside of the circle, that's what we'll give to charity." The rabbi says "No no no. We'll throw the money way up in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps!"
Number 5: Hmmmm. Oh, I get it! Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho! Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee! Nyuk, nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!
Stephanie Speck: What's going on? Is he laughing?
Newton Crosby: Yeah! Yeah! And the joke wasn't even that funny, and I think I screwed up the punchline. Ha ha ha ha!
Number 5: "Whatever God wants, he keeps!"
Newton Crosby: Why did you disobey your program?
Number 5: Program say to kill, to disassemble, to make dead. Number 5 cannot.
Newton Crosby: Why "cannot"?
Number 5: Is *wrong*! Newton Crosby, Ph.D not know this?
Newton Crosby: Of course I know it's wrong to kill, but who told you?
Number 5: *I* told me.
Duke: Will he kill me if I stop?
Ben Jabituya: Who is to say?
Duke: Will he kill me if I don't stop?
Ben Jabituya: Again I am shrugging.
Duke: I'm stopping.
Ben Jabituya: Good choice.
Howard Marner: Crosby, we're going to have to ask you to surrender the robot.
Newton Crosby: Stat?
Howard Marner: Stat!
Newton Crosby: What does that mean, anyway?
Howard Marner: I don't know. But that's not the point.
Ben Jabituya: Bye-bye, goofy woman. I enjoyed repeatedly throwing you to the ground. Namaste. Bye.
[when driving a campervan into a fish hung on a wire]
Number 5: Fish. Salmon. Sushi.
Farmer's wife: I hope you took the grass out of the glove compartment.
Stephanie Speck: You're a robot? I thought you were alive, Number 5. I let you tear my house to shreds and you're a robot! You're a machine from that dumb war lab place. God, I'm so stupid!
Number 5: Stupid - foolish, gullible, doltish, dumbell, lamebrain...
Stephanie Speck: Shut up!
Number 5: Shut up - silence, hush, sit on it, can it...
Skroeder: ...and I'm going to need some Hueys.
Howard Marner: Some what?
Skroeder: HELICOPTERS, Howard. Jesus Christ!
Howard Marner: I thought they were choppers.
Skroeder: Well, now they're called Hueys.
Howard Marner: Well, why wasn't I notified?
Howard Marner: What if it goes out and melts down a bus load of nuns? How would you like to write the headline on that one?
Benjamin Jabituya: Nun soup?
Howard Marner: Hey! Who told you you could take Number One?
Newton Crosby: Howard, logically, if we need protection from Number Five - this is the best weapon we could have.
Howard Marner: Great. Great. So, instead of 11 million dollars on the loose - we're gonna have twenty-two.
Ben Jabituya: And plus, we are needing gas money.
Ben Jabituya: I have seen some strange, bizarre drivers, but you. You will be awarded a cake.
Stephanie Speck: [on the phone] Yes, I'd like to speak to one of your head warmongers, please.
Duke: Dr. Warmonger - I mean, Dr. Marner!
Newton Crosby: Can you believe it's been five years since I've driven?
Ben Jabituya: I would say ten.
Stephanie Speck: [they're heading for the cliff] Oh, no - Jeez! Number Five, we're gonna be killed!
Number 5: Disassemble?
Stephanie Speck: Yes, disassemble ALL OVER THE PLACE!
Number 5: Number 5 stupid name... want to be Kevin or Dave!
Number 5: Frankie, you broke the unwritten law. You ratted on your friends. When you do that Frankie, your enemies don't respect you. You got no friends no more. You got nobody, Frankie.
Howard Marner: Where is he? I need him! Stat!
Ben Jabituya: Excuse me, sir? Crosby? He is hiding in the toilet, sir.
Howard Marner: Public relations is everybody's job.
Ben Jabituya: He's saying that the crowds, they are making him dog sick, sir...
Howard Marner: Look, he's supposed to be here, I want him here, I *pay* him to be here.
Ben Jabituya: Well, the last time I'm seeing him, he is busy womiting, sir.
Howard Marner: Well, clean him up and send him out, to hobnob. Stat!
Ben Jabituya: "Unable. Malfunction."
Howard Marner: How can it refuse to turn itself off?
Skroeder: Maybe it's pissed off.
Newton Crosby: It's a machine, Schroeder. It doesn't get pissed off. It doesn't get happy, it doesn't get sad, it doesn't laugh at your jokes.
Howard Marner: It usually runs programs.
Stephanie Speck: [taking N5 for an extraterrestrial being] Oh, my God! I knew they'd pick me. I just knew it!... Hello? Well, I guess... Welcome to my planet!
Stephanie Speck: [to Number 5 whose been watching TV all night] Haven't you had enough of this stuff? You know, you lose IQ points the longer you watch. There have been actual studies. Look, you're going to become the first alien couch potato.
Stephanie Speck: [ending her phone conversation with NOVA's Marner] ... never mind, go back to your nuclear warheads.
Stephanie Speck: [about the SAINT robots] So - what are these guys used for, anyway?
Ben Jabituya: It's top-secret crap.
Stephanie Speck: That's what I figured.
Number 5: [parodying a TV presenter's voice during his fight against the other SAINTs] "Escaped Robot Fights for His Life. Film at Eleven."
Stephanie Speck: Boy am I the jerk of the world!
Number 5: Jerk of the world: Turkey, idiot, pain in the ass.
Number 5: [as John Wayne] Ah don't worry little lady, I'll fix their wagon.
Ben Jabituya: So now I am having no job to speak about. I will have to smack the sidewalk.
Number 5: [imitating Elmer Fudd after having seen the show on Stephanie's TV] Well, I guess that waps you up, you wascally wobot - huhgh-huhgh-huhgh-huhgh-huhgh-huhgh-huhgh-huhgh-huhgh!
Number 5: Benjamin Jabituya, delete.
Benjamin Jabituya: No, wait! Rethink yourself!
Number 5: Exit. Depart. Leave.
Benjamin Jabituya: Eat my dust, Newton Crosby. Let us break wind.
Number 5: Newton Crosby, no run, no talk, drive.
Number 5: Today, Crosby! Today!
Ben Jabituya: Looks like you have created another Frankfurter's monster.
Newton Crosby: Number 5, What do you make of this?
[hands Number 5 a Rorschach blot he just made using tomato soup]
Number 5: Hmmm... Wood pulp, plant - vegetable - tomato, water, salt, monosodium glutamate...
Newton Crosby: Okay, thank you. Now you're talking like a robot.
Number 5: ...and resemble - look like - butterfly, bird, maple leaf!
Frank: [to Number 5] Listen, why don't you say we jump in my car and I'll take you home.
Stephanie Speck: [knowingly] Uh, tell him where home is.
Frank: Uh, home is NOVA.
Number 5: [throws tray at Frank] NOVA? NO! No disassemble!
Stephanie Speck: Run, Number 5, run!
Number 5: Come on, treads, don't fail me now!
Frank: [runs after him] You tricked me, you little bitch!
Stephanie Speck: Oh, does this mean I don't get my $5,000? Well, forget it! FORGET IT! He can run thirty miles an hour, you big stupid JERK!
Frank: [grabs her] Hey, I'll show you how stupid I am! Guess who's gonna help me catch him!
Stephanie Speck: No, I'd rather die first!
Frank: [sees that his Pontiac is gone] What the hell happened to my car?
Number 5: Hi!
[Frank's car is shown totally dismantled]
Number 5: Piece of cake!
Frank: Oh, my God! My car!
Stephanie Speck: [smiles] Oh, way to go, Number 5!
Number 5: Number 5 stupid name; want to be Kevin, or Dave.
Newton Crosby: Just watch the road, okay?
Number 5: Maybe Johnny... Yeah, Johnny 5.
Stephanie Speck: Yes!
Newton Crosby: Cool.
Stephanie Speck: That creep! I should have known. Every time I think a guy's gonna be okay, he turns out to be a real jerk! All alike. All of them.
Number 5: Stephanie?
Stephanie Speck: Well, the next time they mess with us, we're gonna kick ass!
Number 5: Kick ass? Donkey, mule, burro.
Number 5: Not malfunction Stephanie. Number 5 is alive.
Howard Marner: Crosby, what's it gonna do?
Newton Crosby: Howard it's hard to say, it's malfunctioning, it may not do anything.
Skroeder: But it COULD decide to blow away anything that moves, couldn't it? COULDN'T IT CROSBY?
Benjamin Jabituya: Who is knowing how to read the mind of a robot?
Skroeder: What the hell does it need input for?
Newton Crosby: I don't know; I guess it can't triangulate its position.
Howard Marner: That's a simple function.
Newton Crosby: Can you triangulate YOUR position, Howard?
Howard Marner: No.
Newton Crosby: Well, then - there you go!
[about the robots]
Newton Crosby: Originally I had non-military purposes in mind. I designed it as a marital aid.
Stephanie Speck: This may be hilarious where you come from, but on this planet it's considered rude.
Newton Crosby: Are you sure you weren't doing any steering or anything like that?
Stephanie Speck: Yeah, I like to drive off cliffs.
Newton Crosby: [makes a computer hand show its middle finger to Ben and chuckles very smugly]
Ben Jabituya: Is that a 'yes' or the number of your intelligence quotient, uh?
General Washburne: The only way to secure the peace, Senator, as I'm sure you know, is to be prepared. See, we can parachute these robot guys behind enemy lines. They hide out till the first strike blows over. Then each one is able to just carry a 25-megaton bomb right up the middle of Main Street Moscow - like the mailman bringing bad news. We call it Operation 'Gotcha LAST!'
Senator Mills: That's what you call 'ENSURING PEACE'?
General Washburne: Oh, yeah. Just as you say: 'Ensuring peace'.
Howard Marner: No, I'm sure we'll all agree that Dr Crosby has designed a weapon which will keep our world safe for all time.
Newton Crosby: Howard, what's so safe about blowing people up?
Frank: [explaining why he'd just been trying to capture Steph's dog] ... you know he looked kinda sick to me, so I thought I'd just take 'im down to the vet and fix 'im up a little bit.
Stephanie Speck: He doesn't look sick. YOU look sick.
Ben Jabituya: Newton, you know what is out there in the great outdoors? Girls. Mmmmm! With brassieres and legs - mmm. You have a working knowledge of girls?
Newton Crosby: No, but I read about 'em.
Ben Jabituya: Oh, then... maybe I can furnish you with some schematic drawings?
Stephanie Speck: [to a possible client, over the phone] Oh... I'm sorry, I - but I just... I have to draw the line at SNAKES. Yeah, I'm sure it would make a wonderful pet - but... Wait, isn't there a home for cobras somewhere?
Stephanie Speck: [to N5 reciting TV commercials] OK, you didn't come a million miles to do television commercials, did you?
Number 5: [on seeing the Sun] Oooooo! Beautiful. Light bulb.
Stephanie Speck: No - sun.
Number 5: Beautiful No-sun.
Ben Jabituya: Oh, bull dyke! You cannot hold your water with that story, girl.
Stephanie Speck: ...Where're you taking him?
Ben Jabituya: This is not being a HIM. It's only being wires and several mechanisms and other such machine-type apparatus, for the Pete of sake - the sake of Peeckle...
Number 5: Okay, to make these golden fluffy pancakes... add flour, milk and eggs... Mix thoroughly...
[uses his own motor to rotate the mixer - the bowl contents splatter all over the room]
Number 5: Ooooo... Still lumpy!
[after Number 5 is seemingly destroyed]
Skroeder: [cheerfully] Now that, my friend, is how you kick ass!
Howard Marner: Years of research are down the tubes, and you're happy as a pig in slops.
Skroeder: [proudly] Just doing my job, sir.
Howard Marner: Maybe from now on you can do it somewhere else.
Number 5: [Pushing Skroeder away] No, no, please. No autographs, sir! Come Stephanie! We be jammin'
[Busts out side of wall of Black Lion]
Ben Jabituya: [noticing that Newton is having a hard time driving through the semi-dark streets of town] Do you know what most people are liking at night?
Newton Crosby: No, what?
Ben Jabituya: Headlights.
[reaches across the dashboard and switches the lights on]
Newton Crosby: Oh, yeah... that's a lot better! Thanks!
Skroeder: [after watching Crosby disassemble Number 5] What the hell is the matter with you, you four-eyed idiot?
Newton Crosby: [mumbling to himself] What an asshole.
Skroeder: [angrily] I heard that!
Ben Jabituya: [just before he and Crosby go to meet with the public] Please wait for me. I need to go and use the jack.
Newton Crosby: It's the "john."
Howard Marner: [On CB] Crosby, it's Howard. If you don't have my van back in 15 minutes...!
[Number 5 blows up CB]
Newton Crosby: Let me tell you something. I don't like those NOVA guys any more than you do. In fact, I don't care if they ever get Number 5 back. But I wanna see it.
Stephanie Speck: If I show you where he is, do I have your word: You will not experiment on him, you will not flip the switches, and you will not take him apart?
Newton Crosby: Absolutely. You have my word.
Stephanie Speck: Okay. He's out back. I'll take you to him.
Skroeder: [walks up to them] Well, while you're at it, young lady, you can take me, too.
Newton Crosby: [surprised] Skroeder!
Skroeder: Terrific job, Crosby. Thanks for the help.
Newton Crosby: No. I had nothing to do with this!
Stephanie Speck: You bastard! You're a liar!
Number 5: [spilling and dumping the contents out of the glasses and boxes on Stephanie's counter] Drinking glass... Pasta, spaghetti!
Stephanie Speck: [picking up one of her kittens away from Number 5's mess] Very good...
Number 5: [dumping out spaghetti sauce out of a sauce pan] Liquid, spaghetti sauce...
Stephanie Speck: Look! This may be funny from where you come from! But on this planet, it's considered rude!
Number 5: [distracted by baskets of fruit] Oooo... Baskets... fruit!
[proceeds to dump the fruit out of the metal baskets by pushing the baskets upward]
Number 5: [as he dumps the fruit] Oranges, Apples, Lemons, Limes...
Stephanie Speck: [sarcastically] Why great! Thanks a lot!
Howard Marner: [to Newton; screaming hysterically, banging his fists on the table] I AM NOT HAVING THIS ANYMORE, CROSBY! IT WAS YOUR FAULT THAT YOU HAD TO TALK TO THESE PEOPLE!
Number 5: Escape, escape! Please, hide! Refuge!
Stephanie Speck: What are you afraid of? What's the matter with you?
Number 5: N.O.V.A. robotics, disassemble, dead! Disassemble, Number 5 dead!
Stephanie Speck: But you can't die, you're a machine!
Number 5: No.
Stephanie Speck: No, you're not a machine?
Number 5: Yes!
Stephanie Speck: Yes you are, or yes you're not?
Number 5: Yes...
Stephanie Speck: Yes, what?
Number 5: Yes... not.
Stephanie Speck: Talk about a malfunction!
Number 5: Not malfunction, Stephanie... Number 5... is alive!
Number 2: [imitating Larry] Ha ha ha ha ha.
Number 1: [imitating Moe] Hey, where are you guys going?
Number 3: [imitating Curly] We're not.
Number 1: [imitating Moe] Oh, a wise guy!
Number 3: [Moe pokes the Curly robot] Ow!
Number 2: [imitating Larry] You big...
Number 1: [the Moe robot pokes the Curly robot] You stink, take that! And this!
Number 3: [the Moe robot hits the Curly robot with eye pokes and gut punches] Ow!
Number 2: [imitating Larry's voice] Cut it out!
Number 1: [the Moe robot hits the Larry and Curly robots, and they hit him back] You numbskull!
Number 4: Enemy neutralized. Ladies and gentlemen, objective completed.
Howard Marner: Well, ladies and gentlemen, I want you to meet: Strategic Artificially Intelligent Nuclear Transport - or S.A.I.N.T, as we call it.
Ben Jabituya: Newton Crosby, you must make instantaneous appearance. Marner says that! You have to go hobnob with the bigwigs.
Newton Crosby: Ben, I don't hobnob. If you like all that PR crap, why don't you go hobnobbing with the brass! Have a ball!
Ben Jabituya: Oh, I am sick of wearing the dress in this family.
Stephanie Speck: I'm a friend. Friend? Do you know the word - friend? Cause, that's what I am. I am a friend; so, here I come! Nice and *extremely* friendly.
Stephanie Speck: Is that really you or is that like a space suit and you're inside someplace - maybe just your brain in a little jar or something like that?
Stephanie Speck: Why don't you come in my house and we can sit down and talk. Get to know each other. Communicate. Input. Come on!
Stephanie Speck: You are - here. Here! Oregon.
Number 5: Or-e-gon.
Stephanie Speck: Home of the beaver. Famous for cherries.
Number 5: Beavers! Cherries! Input!
Stephanie Speck: I'm giving you great input.
Number 5: More input! More input!
Stephanie Speck: I can't reassemble. You squashed him. He's dead.
Number 5: Dead?
Stephanie Speck: Right. Dead - as in dead as a doornail.
Number 5: Reassemble, Stephanie. Reassemble!
Stephanie Speck: I know you don't understand. But, when you're dead - you're dead. It's just the way it is. Dead is forever.
Number 5: Squash. Dead. Disassemble. Dead. Disassemble? Dead!
Stephanie Speck: Hey, slow down!
Number 5: No dissemble!
Stephanie Speck: Hey, wait! Where are you going?
Number 5: Leave! Escape!
Newton Crosby: Where is she going? I thought Howard told her to stay put.
Ben Jabituya: Go figure out chicks, man.
Stephanie Speck: Would you quit doing that!
Ben Jabituya: You think I'm doing it for my own self-gratification?
Newton Crosby: Look, lady, all I can see is that something mechanical was screwed up and I'm gonna fix it. Okay?
Stephanie Speck: Okay, fine. Fix it, Einstein!
Newton Crosby: I plan to.
Ben Jabituya: What the heck, Newton. Let us punch the sack. Tomorrow is the next day.
Stephanie Speck: Okay. Okay. Turn off the TV. It's time for bed.
Number 5: Come on, Steph! Lighten up! Let's give it a whirl!
Stephanie Speck: Hey!
Number 5: Yeah!
Stephanie Speck: Listen, you! It's 3 AM.
Number 5: It's early!
Stephanie Speck: I mean, don't you ever get enough?
Stephanie Speck: I'm going to bed and, in the morning, you have to find yourself a new home.
Number 5: This, home. Stephanie, home. Number 5, home.
Stephanie Speck: Oh, Number 5, you don't know what you're saying.
Number 5: Number 5, know.
Number 5: "More than a woman - More than a woman to me."
Stephanie Speck: Oh, Number 5!
Frank: [referring to the reward money] Twenty-five thousand dollars. Don't worry. We'll split it. Twenty for me. Five for you.
Stephanie Speck: I'm lost. I don't know where to go.
Number 5: Strategy.
Stephanie Speck: What about it?
Number 5: Need some. Quick!
Howard Marner: I got a phone call from that looney in the lunch wagon. She wants to see you. Only you!
Stephanie Speck: Here's the deal: Number 5 is alive. I mean, he is *really* alive, like you and me. You see?
Newton Crosby: I understand. They can seem quite life-like. But, they are still machines. Just like your stereo or your vacuum cleaner.
Stephanie Speck: No. I know he's a machine. You're a machine. I'm a machine. We're alive! How it happens, who the hell knows? But, it has happened.
Stephanie Speck: [sarcastically] Great idea! Newton Crosby, P-h-Dork!
Stephanie Speck: If one of them comes near you, you blast 'em! Just burn his butt with your laser.
Ben Jabituya: Well, the cat has dragged in a sight for four eyes, that is for sure. You look dreadful.
Ben Jabituya: Now, wait a minute. If you are tinking, what I am tinking you're tinking, then you're tinking that that female chick is some sort of super-hacker or something?
Newton Crosby: Skroeder came in with his gestapo and ruined it all!
Ben Jabituya: Oh, those bunch of male type organs.
Number 5: Communicate. Need input. I have questions, queries, *posers*.