Short Circuit (1986)
Steve Guttenberg: Newton Crosby
Newton Crosby : Holy shit.
Number 5 : No shit. Where see shit?
Newton Crosby : Where are you from, anyway?
Ben Jabituya : Bakersfield, originally.
Newton Crosby : No, I mean your ancestors.
Ben Jabituya : Oh, them. Pittsburgh.
Newton Crosby : Why did you disobey your program?
Number 5 : Program say to kill, to disassemble, to make dead. Number 5 cannot.
Newton Crosby : Why "cannot"?
Number 5 : Is *wrong*! Newton Crosby, Ph.D not know this?
Newton Crosby : Of course I know it's wrong to kill, but who told you?
Number 5 : *I* told me.
Newton Crosby : OK. Listen closely. There's a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. They're out playing golf. They're deciding how much to give to charity. The priest says "We'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands inside the circle, we'll give to charity." The minister says "No, we'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands outside of the circle, that's what we'll give to charity." The rabbi says "No no no. We'll throw the money way up in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps!"
Number 5 : Hmmmm. Oh, I get it! Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho! Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee! Nyuk, nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!
Stephanie Speck : What's going on? Is he laughing?
Newton Crosby : Yeah! Yeah! And the joke wasn't even that funny, and I think I screwed up the punchline. Ha ha ha ha!
Number 5 : "Whatever God wants, he keeps!"
Ben Jabituya : Ooh. Her pants are blazing for you, Newton Crosby.
Newton Crosby : Will you grow up?
Howard Marner : Crosby, we're going to have to ask you to surrender the robot.
Newton Crosby : Stat?
Howard Marner : Stat!
Newton Crosby : What does that mean, anyway?
Howard Marner : I don't know. But that's not the point.
Newton Crosby : Of course, I know it's wrong to kill. But, who told you?
Number 5 : I told me.
Howard Marner : Hey! Who told you you could take Number One?
Newton Crosby : Howard, logically, if we need protection from Number Five - this is the best weapon we could have.
Howard Marner : Great. Great. So, instead of 11 million dollars on the loose - we're gonna have twenty-two.
Ben Jabituya : And plus, we are needing gas money.
Howard Marner : Crosby, what's it gonna do?
Newton Crosby : Howard it's hard to say, it's malfunctioning, it may not do anything.
Skroeder : But it COULD decide to blow away anything that moves, couldn't it? COULDN'T IT CROSBY?
Skroeder : What the hell does it need input for?
Newton Crosby : I don't know; I guess it can't triangulate its position.
Howard Marner : That's a simple function.
Newton Crosby : Can you triangulate YOUR position, Howard?
Howard Marner : No.
Newton Crosby : Well, then - there you go!
[about the robots]
Newton Crosby : Originally I had non-military purposes in mind. I designed it as a marital aid.
Newton Crosby : Can you believe it's been five years since I've driven?
Ben Jabituya : I would say ten.
Newton Crosby : Are you sure you weren't doing any steering or anything like that?
Stephanie Speck : Yeah, I like to drive off cliffs.
Newton Crosby : [makes a computer hand show its middle finger to Ben and chuckles very smugly]
Ben Jabituya : Is that a 'yes' or the number of your intelligence quotient, uh?
Howard Marner : No, I'm sure we'll all agree that Dr Crosby has designed a weapon which will keep our world safe for all time.
Newton Crosby : Howard, what's so safe about blowing people up?
Ben Jabituya : "Unable. Malfunction."
Howard Marner : How can it refuse to turn itself off?
Skroeder : Maybe it's pissed off.
Newton Crosby : It's a machine, Schroeder. It doesn't get pissed off. It doesn't get happy, it doesn't get sad, it doesn't laugh at your jokes.
Newton Crosby , Ben Jabituya : [in unison] It just runs programs.
Howard Marner : It usually runs programs.
Ben Jabituya : Newton, you know what is out there in the great outdoors? Girls. Mmmmm! With brassieres and legs - mmm. You have a working knowledge of girls?
Newton Crosby : No, but I read about 'em.
Ben Jabituya : Oh, then... maybe I can furnish you with some schematic drawings?
Ben Jabituya : [noticing that Newton is having a hard time driving through the semi-dark streets of town] Do you know what most people are liking at night?
Newton Crosby : No, what?
Ben Jabituya : Headlights.
[reaches across the dashboard and switches the lights on]
Newton Crosby : Oh, yeah... that's a lot better! Thanks!
Skroeder : [after watching Crosby disassemble Number 5] What the hell is the matter with you, you four-eyed idiot?
Newton Crosby : [mumbling to himself] What an asshole.
Skroeder : [angrily] I heard that!
Ben Jabituya : [just before he and Crosby go to meet with the public] Please wait for me. I need to go and use the jack.
Newton Crosby : It's the "john."
Newton Crosby : Let me tell you something. I don't like those NOVA guys any more than you do. In fact, I don't care if they ever get Number 5 back. But I wanna see it.
Stephanie Speck : If I show you where he is, do I have your word: You will not experiment on him, you will not flip the switches, and you will not take him apart?
Newton Crosby : Absolutely. You have my word.
Stephanie Speck : Okay. He's out back. I'll take you to him.
Skroeder : [walks up to them] Well, while you're at it, young lady, you can take me, too.
Newton Crosby : [surprised] Skroeder!
Skroeder : Terrific job, Crosby. Thanks for the help.
Newton Crosby : No. I had nothing to do with this!
Stephanie Speck : You bastard! You're a liar!
Newton Crosby : Number 5, What do you make of this?
[hands Number 5 a Rorschach blot he just made using tomato soup]
Number 5 : Hmmm... Wood pulp, plant - vegetable - tomato, water, salt, monosodium glutamate...
Newton Crosby : Okay, thank you. Now you're talking like a robot.
Number 5 : ...and resemble - look like - butterfly, bird, maple leaf!
Number 5 : Number 5 stupid name; want to be Kevin, or Dave.
Newton Crosby : Just watch the road, okay?
Number 5 : Maybe Johnny... Yeah, Johnny 5.
Stephanie Speck : Yes!
Newton Crosby : Cool.
Ben Jabituya : Newton Crosby, you must make instantaneous appearance. Marner says that! You have to go hobnob with the bigwigs.
Newton Crosby : Ben, I don't hobnob. If you like all that PR crap, why don't you go hobnobbing with the brass! Have a ball!
Ben Jabituya : Oh, I am sick of wearing the dress in this family.
Howard Marner : Where did you disappear to?
Newton Crosby : I was hobnobbing!
Newton Crosby : Where is she going? I thought Howard told her to stay put.
Ben Jabituya : Go figure out chicks, man.
Newton Crosby : Look, lady, all I can see is that something mechanical was screwed up and I'm gonna fix it. Okay?
Stephanie Speck : Okay, fine. Fix it, Einstein!
Newton Crosby : I plan to.
Stephanie Speck : Here's the deal: Number 5 is alive. I mean, he is *really* alive, like you and me. You see?
Newton Crosby : I understand. They can seem quite life-like. But, they are still machines. Just like your stereo or your vacuum cleaner.
Stephanie Speck : No. I know he's a machine. You're a machine. I'm a machine. We're alive! How it happens, who the hell knows? But, it has happened.
Newton Crosby : Skroeder came in with his gestapo and ruined it all!
Ben Jabituya : Oh, those bunch of male type organs.
Newton Crosby : That's incredible! This guy's a genius!
Number 5 : Well, above average.
Newton Crosby : It's Crosby, Newton Crosby.